what was he thinking....

[miss sunkist]

hi ladies!

I have been creeping on this forum for a while....and after seeing everyones amazing support and advice for smurfysmiles I thought I would ask you guys for some advice too...

ok so my BF and I have been together for 2 years and have been living together for a year and a half. We live a few hours away from our hometown (funnily enough met where we currently are but from same town originally). Anyways...we have been thinking of moving back closer to our parents, and finally came to a decision to go for it and move closer. After that decision (we are talking hours here) this is what BF says....(the just of what he said)

- not sure we should live together when we move back
- not sure he sees marriage in our future

WTF!!!

he later goes back on it saying that he doesnt see marrige "right now" and thinks that if we were to move in together at home it would indicate that we are going to get married! again WTF!!

so what has these years together meant to him?a joke since we weren''t in our final living place?

needless to say im furious, although i have calmed down a fair amount compared to when it happened. We have talked lots and lots and he did a lot of back peddling...but it still doesnt make it better to me that much...he still said it, even if he claims he didnt mean it.

We are still living together now but I have decided that I''m going to go ahead with the move back regardless and now he is up in the air and cant decide. if things were to work out we would be a 2 hour drive away. i have put him in the position that he has to prove to me that I am worth it to him or when I move that is it.

ok i need truthful advice, no matter how bad it sounds, i need to hear it. Do I try to work things out or is he (as another topic says...) "just not into me"

ugh thanks for making it through my rant!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Not sure he wants to live with you?! Honey, I''m sorry, but I think he was pussy-footing around trying to break up with you. After living together for a year and a half, it should be a given that you''d still be living together if you moved unless you were to break up. I''m sorry.

 

[miss sunkist]

ya i know...thats what my gut tells me too

figures that i come out of lurkdom on LIW only to announce my non LIW status lol

 

[stryeyes102]

So very sorry your going through this!!

The truth- What someone else wrote in another thread comes to mind; Allison D. bought this up

"I''ve found that when a person (man or woman) blurts something without thinking, it''s usually truer to how s/he really thinks/feels. They actually disclose what they really feel instead of what they think you want them to say." Heres the thread

It could be that he''s just unsure, or even perhaps, scared?

Big Big hugs your direction. And I think your right to do what you have. Throw the ball in his court and see what happens.. If he doesn''t follow you, it wasn''t meant to be(or maybe not right now) and there are much better men to come.

Keep your chin up!

 

[miss sunkist]

you know im really trying to see the positive in this, at least i know now rather than a few more years down the road right?

I read that quote and it totally hit home for me and i really agree with it too.

part of me feels like he got scared, so give him a few months to sort himself out, but another part is like F#@$ this, i deserve more

its a crappy situation to be in, since he does seem like he is really trying now, but I cant shake what was originally said

thanks for the quick replies!

 

[HisLadyLove]

Date: 4/30/2008 5:11:36 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Not sure he wants to live with you?! Honey, I''m sorry, but I think he was pussy-footing around trying to break up with you. After living together for a year and a half, it should be a given that you''d still be living together if you moved unless you were to break up. I''m sorry.

I''m going to have to agree with Gwendolyn on this one! It''s not fair for you to have to wait on him! I like to think that every relationship leads to marriage (someday), so if he wants to take a step back to that goal (more of a train ride back), it''s not worth it in my opinion, especially after 2 years! Although it''s hard to think that you need to start all over, but you neeed to do what is best for you!!!

 

[Blair138]

I agree with all of the above posters. If he said it, he means it. He may have recanted because he saw your reaction. Move, let him follow you and if he doesn''t, then you''re better off.

 

[KCCutie]

I just have to say in response to your original question:

He obviously wasn''t thinking!

I think you are doing the right thing. Do what you need to do for you.

Unfortunately in my experience when a guy says he''s not sure if he sees a future with you it means he''s pretty sure he doesn''t. That doesn''t mean he can''t have a mind blowing revelation and realize what and idiot he was for saying that, but personally it would take a lot more than an apology for me take him back after that. I say this now b/c hindsight is 20/20 but 2 years ago when my now ex pulled this crapola on me (only he had also been seeing another girl behind my back and didn''t know I knew)I pined away for months and wanted nothing more than for him to come back to me. Now I see just how silly that was and wish I had moved on sooner. I wasn''t the one for him and proof of that is that he just got married a couple weeks ago. He doesn''t deserve you and you deserve much better.

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh dear. Well...Honestly, I''d say cut your losses and move on. It sounds like he was trying to break up with you and then when he realized that that would be it-done, finito-he got scared and tried to back peddle. I''m so sorry my dear, I know that had to be hard to hear from him and hard to hear from us as well as your friends.

I think you need to listen to this part: "but another part is like F#@$ this, i deserve more"...


But no matter what happens, you can always come here for support and advice.

Welcome to the board!

 

[tberube]

I hate to be negative, but words like that smell of a guy who is cheating, or otherwise looking for a way out. If I were to give any advice, I''d say make your move back home, without him. Empower yourself enough so if he follows through on what he said, you won''t be surprised or more disappointed than you need to be.

 

[HollyS]

Move. Without him. Let him have exactly what he wants. Don''t be fooled by any backpedaling that he may have done since he spoke up. He meant what he said when he said it. So believe him. Move out and move on.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 4/30/2008 6:32:36 PM
Author: HollyS
Move. Without him. Let him have exactly what he wants. Don''t be fooled by any backpedaling that he may have done since he spoke up. He meant what he said when he said it. So believe him. Move out and move on.

DITTO DITTO

 

[Just_Me]

So sorry, but I would definitely leave if I were you.
I was in a similar situation once - the guy said he was "confused" and "unsure" about the status of our relationship. I hung in there for 2 months with his wishy-washyness and it was pure torture! Finally I had enough and broke up with him for good. I really think (like some of the others said) he wanted to break up but was too afraid to do it.
I''m so sorry. I''m sure this is not what you wanted to hear.

 

[Octavia]

I''m in agreement with the other posters, but I also wanted to say that this board is so much more than a bunch of not-quite-engaged-yet ladies (and a few guys). You can also be a lady waiting for the right guy to come into your life...so please don''t worry about "LIW status" and do feel free to vent if you need to!

 

[ringshopper2008]

from a guy''s perspective - i agree with the others - move on from this guy. if he really does want you, he''ll come crawling back. living with someone for 1.5 years, and then stating that you think you should live apart - is essentially admitting that you aren''t 100% sure you even want to be dating, let alone living together.

he may wind up regretting this decision, especially when you are 2 hours away and he is sipping on some lonely drinks - at which point you will be able to re-establish all important "hand" in the relationship (or former relationship). then, you can decide whether you want to allow him another chance, or if you are better off without him.

be thankful that this information came along before you guys settled into your new living place. it could have been worse.

 

[alli_esq]

It''s so hard to say, knowing absolutely nothing about the quality of your relationship...

all I can say is, like everyone else here has said, you need to respect yourself and do what''s best for you. I know personally, when I was unsure about moving in with my old BF at a year and a half mark, it made me realize that I really did not want to be with him anymore...and if he''s ALREADY living with you being unsure--well, it doesn''t look like he values your relationship as much as he should.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/30/2008 5:11:36 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Not sure he wants to live with you?! Honey, I''m sorry, but I think he was pussy-footing around trying to break up with you. After living together for a year and a half, it should be a given that you''d still be living together if you moved unless you were to break up. I''m sorry.

Ditto. I''m sorry honey, but you really will be better off in the long run.

 

[brooke.lynne]

sunkist,

I''m sorry to hear about your ideal. It seems we are all pretty unanimous about how you should react. I think ringshopper is on the money: "he may wind up regretting this decision, especially when you are 2 hours away and he is sipping on some lonely drinks - at which point you will be able to re-establish all important "hand" in the relationship (or former relationship). then, you can decide whether you want to allow him another chance, or if you are better off without him."

Keep us posted!

 

[Laila619]

Date: 4/30/2008 5:02:59 PM
Author:miss sunkist
hi ladies!

I have been creeping on this forum for a while....and after seeing everyones amazing support and advice for smurfysmiles I thought I would ask you guys for some advice too...

ok so my BF and I have been together for 2 years and have been living together for a year and a half. We live a few hours away from our hometown (funnily enough met where we currently are but from same town originally). Anyways...we have been thinking of moving back closer to our parents, and finally came to a decision to go for it and move closer. After that decision (we are talking hours here) this is what BF says....(the just of what he said)

- not sure we should live together when we move back
- not sure he sees marriage in our future

WTF!!!

he later goes back on it saying that he doesnt see marrige ''right now'' and thinks that if we were to move in together at home it would indicate that we are going to get married! again WTF!!

so what has these years together meant to him?a joke since we weren''t in our final living place?

needless to say im furious, although i have calmed down a fair amount compared to when it happened. We have talked lots and lots and he did a lot of back peddling...but it still doesnt make it better to me that much...he still said it, even if he claims he didnt mean it.

We are still living together now but I have decided that I''m going to go ahead with the move back regardless and now he is up in the air and cant decide. if things were to work out we would be a 2 hour drive away. i have put him in the position that he has to prove to me that I am worth it to him or when I move that is it.

ok i need truthful advice, no matter how bad it sounds, i need to hear it. Do I try to work things out or is he (as another topic says...) ''just not into me''

ugh thanks for making it through my rant!!

That sucks!

To put it bluntly, my experience is that when a man tells you something, believe him. In this case, your boyfriend said he is not sure he sees marriage in your future. I would take that at face value. He''s only backpeddling because he saw how upset you were. It sucks, but I would give him a ton of space, and not move with him. I would be super hurt and ticked off! I don''t think a man would say this if he saw you as his future wife. I''m sorry but at least he was honest. Small comfort though right?

 

[miss sunkist]

thanks you guys for all the support!

i think you just confirmed what i was thinking. I''m going to continue on with my plan and move without him, im not putting my life on hold for someone who is unsure!!

the only thing is I cant move for another 2 months, but I have been out every night so far with friends or to the gym or something to keep myself busy and make him realize my life doesnt stop without him. He already has done the crawling back, but i''m still keeping the ball in my court saying the next 2 months will be a trial and if I don''t like what happens thats it. In my heart I know when I leave it will most likely be it, but I feel unfair just calling it a day now when he seems to be really trying to improve, but dont worry I will not forget everything you, my friends and parents have said and I am not taking this decision lightly....being very strict on his behaviour

I will keep you posted!

 

[brooke.lynne]

Sunkist,

It sounds like you are totally on the right track, and I''m glad you are taking a stand. Good luck with everything!

 

[Delster]

Welcome to Pricescope miss sunkist!

I agree with the other posters. Sounds like he wanted to hide your relationship once you moved back home that''s a bad sign and you deserve better. Well done you for sticking up for yourself. We''re all rooting for you!

 

[Lauren8211]

Sooo good to see a girl who can walk away when she knows she needs to

Makes me proud! ::sniff,sniff::

It'll be so great when you get to come back to this board with a man who worships you, and tell us you're engaged!

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 4/30/2008 10:19:51 PM
Author: miss sunkist
thanks you guys for all the support!

i think you just confirmed what i was thinking. I''m going to continue on with my plan and move without him, im not putting my life on hold for someone who is unsure!!

the only thing is I cant move for another 2 months, but I have been out every night so far with friends or to the gym or something to keep myself busy and make him realize my life doesnt stop without him. He already has done the crawling back, but i''m still keeping the ball in my court saying the next 2 months will be a trial and if I don''t like what happens thats it. In my heart I know when I leave it will most likely be it, but I feel unfair just calling it a day now when he seems to be really trying to improve, but dont worry I will not forget everything you, my friends and parents have said and I am not taking this decision lightly....being very strict on his behaviour

I will keep you posted!

You are a VERY STRONG WOMAN! You are doing the right thing.....keep busy! You''ll get thru these next 2 months.

I ditto comments from all...

I know it hurts, and I DO remember the pain - breaking up with my ex and crying, literally, for 3 days straight because he was "done
with me." But in retrospect - if I ever saw him again, I would thank him because I wouldn''t have the relationships or the sucesses I now have in my life...... if we had stayed together.

Everything happens for a reason.

 

[sklingem]

I agree with most of the previous postings: you are making the right decision(s). IMHO you should already be through with it ... "trying" to love someone is not something you can do.