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What would you do? (long)

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XChick03

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Jan 29, 2006
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I have a dillemma and could really use some of that great PS advice.

Okay, let me start at the beginning. I used to live with my great-grandmother because the rent was free, it was close to my college, and she really needs someone to help take care of her. She''s 92 and has Alzheimer''s and has trouble doing things on her own. She''s always been one of my favorite people so the situation worked out great for both of us. However, there were some major downsides to it. Her house is nice, but needs major work done and she''s such a pack-rat that everything is just cluttered everywhere. No matter how many times I cleaned out the fridge a week, it would always end up being gross again because of her. Also, she likes to put things in the weirdest places. For example, I once found my homework in the oven and my cell phone in the dishwasher. Needless to say, it wasn''t very easy on my nerves and I spent a lot of the time, really stressed out.

In November, my boyfriend was offered a great position in Savannah (we''re from Charleston) and after lots of talking and tears, we decided to go for and we got an apartment here together. After being here a little less than a month, my boyfriend realized he hates his job and misses Charleston a lot. No offense to anyone from Savannah, but its just not anything like Charleston and we were both born there and lived there most of our lives.

Now, to the present. My great-grandmother has had a really hard time since I moved and won''t allow anyone to take care of her or go to a nursing home. I guess her pride is that last thing she has to hold onto. They even tried letting her move in with my dad, but she wouldn''t have it. My grandfather, her son, said that if we move back to Charleston and move in with her, he''ll give me $300 a week to take care of her (basically what I did before for free) plus we''ll get free rent, gas, groceries, etc.

My boyfriend definitely wants to do it because we need to start saving money for the wedding and for a house, but I am having my doubts. I love my grandma to death and really want to help her, but I''m not sure moving in with her would be best for us. Living there before was no picnic and its been great having our own apartment with just the two of us, well and our puppy. I know that financially it''d be the best for us, but I am not sure our relationship will do too well. We''d have no privacy, hardly any free time, and though it wouldn''t be her fault, grandma would stress us both out. Also, once we move in with her, it''ll be really hard to move out. What would you do?
 
Hi,
I had a friend in a really similar situation, and she lived with her grandmother for three years. Although it wasn''t always the most fun situation, she now has her own beautiful condo at 26 years old, and I at 29 years old am still renting, and not even close. I know it would be alot, and I''m not in the situation, but if you could do it, I think it would be wonderful. When I am old, I would love it if my grand daughter would do that for me. Could you set it up this time so there is the possibility of more privacy? Maybe also that you could neaten up and make the place more livable? You would be in such a good position if you could do this, and your grandmother would like it. I bet she would benefit from your dog as well. Just a thought.... Tiffany
 
She does love the dog, because I first got her when I still lived there, but she also had a bad habbit of letting her out of the backyard. If we did decided to just get an apartment, we''d still be able to save money, just not as much, plus I''d still go over to her house every day and spend time with her. I also forgot to mention, I''d have virtually no free time because everyone would expect me to be with her 24/7. I know it''d be a great thing for her and money, I''m just worried about what it might do to our relationship.
 
My question is, do you need the stress that this will bring on top of everything else? Also, take the money out of the equation. You both have to do it because you want to, not because it''s a way to save money. Your bf may be fine with it now, thinking how much cash, etc, but how thrilled will he be as your great-grandmother gets worse and you can''t leave her for even 10 minutes? I think the money would be better spent on having someone come in and help her on a part-time basis until she has to go somewhere where she can be cared for 24 hours a day, which is impossible for you and your bf to do if you want to work and have a life. I personally think this has to be about do you want to do this and why? Also $300/week is getting off cheap for your grandfather. Full time care whether at her home or in a nursing home will run more like $1000+/week.
 
Oh, my...

My heart goes out to you having to figure this out! My first impulse is to tell you that you must do what''s best for YOU...that you''re too young to have to shoulder this burden, and that it really is up to your grandfather or your father to take charge of her care.

It''s interesting that your BF wants to do this. If you do decide to move back with your Great Grandmother it''s important that he clearly understands that this was his decision too, and that he will have to carry his fair share of the load.

From your description of your GGM''s mental state, I''m surprised she''s being allowed to live alone even now. The sad, heartbreaking truth is that the time may very soon come (if it already hasn''t) when she will HAVE to go a nursing home, whether she likes it or not.

Alzheimers/dementia in a loved one is the WORST and most PAINFUL disease to contend with. I just think it''s a shame that people as young as you should have to.

If you do decide to move back in, I''d INSIST not only on receiving a stipend, but even more importantly, getting outside help (3 or 4 times a week, paid for by rest of the family.) I don''t think any person or relationship could survive a 24/7 regimen of caregiving.

And if your sweet GGM objects, bless her heart, she''ll simply have to be overruled.

Good luck, Dear..

JMO widget
 
x chick,
Whenever I make a really big decision I write things down. It will help you be more honest with yourself...Make four lists. 1- a pros list for living with her 2- a cons list for living with her 3- a pros list for not living with her 4- a cons list for not living with her. If you do this, and you write evrything you can think of....you will have your answer.
 
I like the idea of writing down all your pros and cons! That has been a helpful part of decision making for me in the past as well.

I know you''re worried that moving in with your grandma will put a strain on your relationship, but have you thought about it the opposite way--that it might make you stronger as a couple by gaining the experience? I totally understand where you''re coming from, but I also think the situation could work to your advantage in the end. If you two are planning on raising children someday I think you could compare the experience of taking care of your grandma (who, having Alz. is somewhat like being a child again in that you will have to constantly supervise). Maybe you and your boyfriend could learn to look at it more as an opportunity rather than a situation to completely stress out over. And you will always be able to look back and remember that you did everything you could to help a loved one through a very difficult time...Just my .02, hope it helps.
 
Wow what a tough decision...on one hand you've got the desire to help out your family, help out your grandmother who you obviously adore...but on the other hand you have this fresh relationship where you guys are planning your future together and family stress is the last thing you want to heap onto it.

I am very close to my family and I know how guilty I feel when I don't go visit my grandma enough...I can't even imagine if we were asked to live with her to assist her and the family, esp knowing how she feels about it. BUT on the other hand, it's putting your own life on hold to do this...and at the most exciting, most independent part of your life.

Very tough decision, esp since you are very happy with the way things are now with you and your fiance/boyfriend and puppy. I guess you have to figure out what you will feel best with inside (mentally), and long-term as well. Will you regret doing one thing or the other later?

I have to say that I adore my grandma but I could never live with her, gosh I lived next door to her for a few years and that almost drove me insane enough. I even still have DREAMS sometimes that she is walking into my house and I am naked (no that didn't happen but she scared me a few times by walking around the backyard and saying Hello at my screened sliding door!!) or something...I think that older people tend to have no idea on boundaries etc at that point. Also, when Greg moved in with me at that point, he kind of had to take Grandma on as well and it wasn't a 'strain' since we weren't living WITH her but he had to adjust his own habits and spend time talking to her, explaining things from time to time and just had to learn to be patient with her, had to stop what he was doing sometimes and go help her out with something, etc. So even living in close proximity you have to make adjustments!

Well good luck and let us know how things turn out!
 
First of all, I appreciate all the advice. Thank you all so much.

Now, to try and reply to everything. My boyfriend and I both want to do this because we both love my grandmother, she already calls him her grandson and he calls her grandma, and every time we go to Charleston, its really heartbreaking to see how hard life has gotten for her since I left. The money part is just an extra bonus, but its a really good bonus because we''re living paycheck to paycheck to now. And I also think $300/wk is cheap for 24/7 care, but its also free rent, gas, groceries and she pays for my car insurance, so thats not that big of a deal.

For about three weeks after I moved, my grandfather hired a nurse to stay with her during the day, but grandma called him every night crying and complaining about her. She even claimed the woman was trying to steal from her just to get rid of her. Making a really hard decision, he decided that it was so upsetting to her, it might be even worse on her health than living alone. Then they tried putting her a really nice nursing home, but they can''t force her to go to one. There''s a law that says she has to consent, so that didn''t work either. Needless to say, she''s the most stubborn woman ever. And honestly, her health isn''t that bad. She had a check-up a few months ago and the doctor said there wasn''t a thing wrong with her aside from her mental condition, which comes and goes. I mean, she still does yardwork, so she''s not as helpless as one might think.

My BF is all for it, the only problem is that he''s never lived with her and when I tell him how stressful it was he just says "it can''t be that bad." And as for the rest of my family: she has two sons, my grandfather and great-uncle. My grandfather lives 60 miles away and his wife, my grandmother, has a really bad heart condition. She''s already had 3 heart attacks and now she''s got an undiagnosable spleen problem, so he really has his hands full with her and even though he''s the strongest man I know, my grandmother and great-grandmother would just be too much for him to handle. My great-unlce is the complete opposite of my grandfather, he''s a selfish jerk and really acts like he doesn''t care about his own mother. He lives 2 blocks away and hardly ever visits. My grandfather tried to get him to let my GGM move in with him but he wouldn''t do it. My father is also useless, but thats another story. My aunt would be happy to take care of my GGM, her GM, but she has 3 kids and one of them is a toddler so it''d be really hard on her.

I feel like if we don''t do it, nobody will and I don''t want her to die miserable and alone.
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I''m really the only person she will let take care of her and the only one she trusts.
 
Mara, as far as regretting one thing or the other, I have a feeling I''d regret either one. If we do move in with her, and its as stressful as I think it will be, especially with trying to plan a wedding, and we end up figthing, I''ll regret that. On the other hand, if we don''t do it and something bad happens to her, I''d never forgive myself.

Living with her was quite a challenge, but it had its good moments too. She made me laugh a lot at how stubborn she can still be. And she''s so fiesty. She never walked in on me naked, but once she walked around the house naked. That was quite a day.
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I did make a list of pros and cons, but the list ended up being pretty much equal. So that was no help, go figure.

And Monarch, you''re very right. We have already been through a lot together, especially considering we haven''t been together that long. The move here was really hard on us just because we both miss our home and families, but it has made us stronger. And there was another really heartbreaking incident we went through just 5 months into our relationship.
 
Xchick, I wish you the best whatever you decide to do, and I''m sending positive thoughts your way!
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If you do choose to move in with your grandma, I bet you can find lots of resources with which you and your boyfriend can educate yourselves about Alzheimers and caring for someone who has it...tg for the internet! Probably plenty of good support groups, etc. as well. Best of luck to you!!!
 
This is a very tough situation.

I applaud you for being such a good great granddaughter for that whole time while you were living with her.

If you move back in with her, I agree with the earlier suggestion of getting additional help. Insist that the rest of the family is equally responsible for her care such as visits, taking her to medical appointments, take her shopping, etc.

We all make sacrifices for our families and you may find that the living with her and being with her through the last days of her life may change you and make you a stronger person.

Best of luck.
 
I know what you mean re: regretting it one way or another...which just plain sucks. There''s no right or wrong answer necessarily, but I think that if you feel like both options are equal in terms of pros and cons, then just do it, live with her and make her happy and try to keep your relationship going strong as well. If you find it''s too much you can take action then, but at least you won''t feel the guilt or regret later in life about not doing whatever you could to assist the family and make her last years happy.
 
After hearing everyone''s great advice and spending an hour talking about with my mom, I am leaning towards moving in with her. As a couple, we''ve survived worse and it would make her so happy. I am going to talk it over more with BF/FH and show him the list of pros and cons to make sure its what he really wants to do and explain how hard it will be on us. I still have to talk to my grandfather, too and tell him it would be a huge responsibility with just us and see what he says. Hopefully we can find some way to work it out so that everyone will benefit and keep their santiy intact. Thanks a lot everyone.
 
Hey, just a little note (no advice, since you''ve almost settled on it)... my boss'' mother has recently been placed in a home. She was diagnosed with dementia last year, and has steadily been deteriorating. She also did the shoes in the sink/accusing the maid of "repainting her picture frames" just to annoy her. I agree that she may need more help sooner or later. Over the past year, I''ve watched the family get so stressed out, not even because they lived with her. She had live-in care, but they had to move her to a home last week. Your grandpa should get Power of Attorney, so if your GGM is really starting to get worse (and I hope for your sake she doesn''t) she will no longer be able to decide for herself what is really GOOD for her or not. And if he doesn''t have the Power of Attorney, there is probably nothing they can do to get her in a home. Because my boss got it, he was able to cover her medical expenses, and arrange to put her in the home (which is a very nice place with her own room looking over the ocean) with no legal problems. Even if your GGM is okay now, we know nothng about how fast she could progress, since Dementia/Alzheimers is relatively hard to pin down, time-wise. Different people are affected in different ways. I applaud you on this, and I wish you the best of luck.
 
You know, I''m almost positive he does have POA. That''s odd, I never thought of it before (which is funny considering I''m a law student.)
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I guess he just doesn''t want to force her to do something she''s completely against.
 
That''s completely understandable, but keep in mind that she''ll probably never say, "Okay, put me in a home". And that he may need to do what''s best for her. I''d argue that I was fine, too. Even if I wasn''t. My boss was told that once she becomes a bit incontinent, it''s time.
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I wish you the best best luck. I think you''re doing a great thing.
 
I understand how you feel. I love my grandma but living with her would stress me out to no end. However, it I could live there for free, I think I would deal with the scarifice if that meant I could pay off more bills and have more money for our wedding.

I would talk to you FI and make sure he understands the stress taht this could potentially put on you two. Maybe if you agreed to have a ''date night'' once a week, no ifs ands or butts, it would help the stress level with you two.
 
XChick03,


Ok I don't know your grandparents financial situation, but would it be possible for your grandfather to hire help on specific days? For example, friday and saturday night, make it specified that a nurse comes to stay with her during those nights, so you can have a date night. That way, you can have some down time. You would still be there for her most of the time, but at least you can feel like it's not a 24/7 job.
 
Oh my, I''m so sorry. This is certainly a tough situation because on one hand you want to be there for her and on the other hand, you don''t need the added stress of it. What about hiring a companion to come in during the nights or days to help? Sometimes they don''t view these people as intruders once they become close to them. My great Aunt had Alzheimer''s and the family hired a companion for her who became like her friend. She lived with her and took care of her. It was nice for her because she had someone with her and nice for us because we knew she was being taken care of and in her own home.
Good luck!
 
My grandparents are more than financially secure, so they could afford to hire someone else to help. That''s a great idea, I will talk to him about it and see what he says. The first lady they had come and stay with her during the day was actually one of her friends from church. It was kind of funny because my grandma was really nice to her when she was around, but as soon as she left she''d call her "stupid" which is probably the most offensive thing she''ll ever say. She''s such a fireball, I love it.
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Just an update: My fiance and I stayed at my GGM''s house over the weekend, because we were in town and didn''t feel like wasting money on a hotel, especially since we got one V-Day night. Anyway, the situation a lot worse than I realized. Her mental state has gotten increasingly bad and the house is in such bad condition, it would need about $10k worth of work just to make it liveable again. My FI and I decided there was just no way we''d be able to care for her and do all the things she needs. I spoke to my grandfather about it and we decided it would be in her best interest to be put into a nursing home. It wasn''t an easy decision to make, but I really think its the best thing for her at this point. Thanks again to all of you for your great advice.
 
I''m sorry to hear about your grandmother''s illness.
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I hope that things will turn out for the best and that she will be well cared for. You''re very brave for trying.
 
I''m so sorry to hear that your great-grandmother has taken a turn for the worse...

It does indeed sound like a nursing home is best....

She''s very blessed to have such a loving great granddaughter..

widgt
 
I''m so sorry that she''s gotten worse, but it''s all for the best, and you did a very great thing. Best wishes to you and your family.
 
I''m so sorry to hear about her deteriorating condition...it''s so sad to think about losing those so close to us and watching them change.

It sounds like the nursing home decision is for the best...good luck.
 
Thank you everyone for the kind words.
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Mara, you''re definitely right. I can remember about 10 years ago when she was on top of everything. Sadly, those memories seem almost like they never happened, but every once and a while you can see a glimpse of who she used to be and she still hasn''t lost her sense of humor.

Thanks again and if any of you are interested or have some ideas for me, I''ve already gotten her engagement ring and am trying to think of a nice way to reset it as a RHR. The thread is here if you have any suggestions.
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Your family is in my prayers!
 
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