What would you do?? MOH issues...

[Brown Sugar]

Hi Everyone,

Ok, so I just thought I''d get everyone''s opinion on this situation because I myself am torn as to what I should do. The background is this- I got married 2 years ago and had some serious issues with my best friend who I asked to be my maid of honour. I was kind of wary of asking her to take on this important role since things turned weird between us since I got engaged. Essentially, she ignored the fact that I was engaged- she never said she was happy for me, never asked to even see my ring! She actually thought I was kidding when I broke the news to her. Anyhow, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked her to be my MOH to which she accepted. What a mistake! She never helped at any point in the planning of my wedding- not once did she ask to go dress shopping with me, to discuss flowers, cake- Nothing. Even at the wedding, she disappeared half the time, leaving me to carry my huge train by myself! If anyone else acted excited about my wedding or spoke to me about it, she would tune out and practically sulk in the corner. It was even a hassle to get her to plan me a bachelorette party, I almost did that myself! so sad

...Anyway, while I can accept that she was feeling a little jealous or whatnot, I think she should''ve been able to put that aside and stepped up to her duties as a MOH or even decline to be one if she couldn''t give 100%. Now, two years later I know her boyfriend is going to propose soon and I am afraid of what to say to her if she asks me to be her MOH. While 2 years has passed since my ordeal, I am still angry at how she behaved around my wedding and honestly don''t know if I can fully commit wholeheartedly to being her MOH. If asked, should I decline, or swallow my pride and be the MOH I only wished she were for me??

 

[Clarygrace]

You deserved better than what your MOH did for you....sounds like she was pretty selfish....

It''s upto you to decide...you are the better person, and you''ll do what is in your heart to do. I personally, would have a chat with her about how you feel and give her the opportunity to explain herself first. Do you know that she will ask you?

Best of luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

I think it''s unfortunate that she behaved in a manor that was hurtful to you, but I''m not quite sure how one can harbor anger for two years while still maintaining a good friendship with someone. Almost everyone has been hurt by their friends at some point. I know I have, but part of friendship is owning up to your feelings, working things through and then letting go and moving forward. I think that you are still sad, angry, hurt, etc. by her actions should answer your question. Your being part of her wedding is not the best idea.

 

[tanyak]

Date: 10/2/2006 4:26:54 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I think it''s unfortunate that she behaved in a manor that was hurtful to you, but I''m not quite sure how one can harbor anger for two years while still maintaining a good friendship with someone. Almost everyone has been hurt by their friends at some point. I know I have, but part of friendship is owning up to your feelings, working things through and then letting go and moving forward. I think that you are still sad, angry, hurt, etc. by her actions should answer your question. Your being part of her wedding is not the best idea.

I''m with KimberlyH. I agree that your friend wasn''t the most supportive person in a lot of aspects such as sulking when people talked your wedding and not being happy for your engagement. The actual planning details could be a little different. I''ve been a bridesmaid before, and I didn''t bring up details such as cakes, flowers, invitations, etc. first. I figure that is the bride and groom''s domain, and if she needed help, she would ask me. Same with dress shopping - I let her suggest a time and date. For my own wedding, all I asked of my bridal party was that they buy a dress and shoes and show up on time. A couple of girls who lived nearby went dress-shopping with me, and that was nice.

The one thing I''ve learned after being on wedding boards for two years

is that brides all have different expectations of what they want out of their bridal party. If you need or want something, just ask. People, not even bridesmaids, can''t read your mind. Now if you ask and people still ignore you, that''s another matter entirely. I''m not excusing her behavior, but I think people can get hurt over expectations and miscommunication.

 

[Brown Sugar]

Thanks for all of your insight!

I didn''t delve too much into the progression of our relationship, but essentially since my engagement up until now, our friendship has cooled off dramatically. We don''t speak nearly as much and don''t have the same bond as we once did. Honestly, I am hoping she asks her sister to be her maid of honour, but their relationship has been rocky for most of their lives, which is why I think I would be the next runner up, so to speak. I did attempt to tell her how I felt after the wedding, but she essentially got defensive and didn''t take ownership to anything, so I just dropped the issue. From all my friends'' experiences with their weddings and bridal party, I am totally aware of people''s different ideas of what a bridal party''s duties are- but I think it''s one thing for her not to have gone dress shopping with me, but it''s quite another for her to agree to be my MOH and be so uninvolved in the wedding that she called me 3 weeks before the wedding to find out when it starts and where she''s supposed to be

! Oh well, I''ll let you know how this turns out as she should get a proposal this month. The truth is I am still disappointed with what happened (even 2 years later), but I know I still care for her and want her to have a fabulous wedding experience like I did in the end.

 

[firebirdgold]

If I hadn''t been trolling wedding stuff for a while I would have had no idea of what the role of the MOH actually is. There''s a pretty good chance I''d think it mainly did involve showing up and wearing a certain dress.

 

[diamondfan]

I think you need to follow your heart. Maybe she will get engaged and be able to reflect a bit, now that she has her ring, and realize she was less than a good friend to you during your engagement and wedding. Then again, she might not. She might not even ask you to be her MOH, but if she does, you can accept and be the kind of MOH you would have liked for her to be, or you can pass. You can say nothing as to why or you can say that you feel it would be a hardship considering her actions and attitude toward you during your time. Probably best to decline and say nothing, if you feel you cannot get past how you feel. If you can, go for it, and do it with an open heart. What she did stinks but is not that uncommon, sadly.

 

[Mara]

Tough call...i asked one of my best friends to be a matron of honor even though she and i were not as close as we used to be when she got married which was about 5 years before i got married. i don't know why i felt like i just had to ask her, i felt somewhat obligated to our friendship, but figured she'd be a MOH like i was...aka detail oriented, interested in what was going on, but she really wasn't. she lives about 40 min away and i think she also felt like my maid of honor (she was the matron) and i were closer both in spirit and proximity, than she and i were at that point, but she totally mentally checked out. it didn't really bother me persay because we had kind of cooled the relationship over the years anyway, so this was nothing 'new', but i guess it bothered the other maids and at the wedding there was all this behind the scenes 'why isnt she helping' kind of thing i didn't even know about til later. at the wedding she also didn't hang out with anyone in the party, she just went off with her husband and i didn't require anything from her because i knew she didn't really feel it.

anyway...that made me realize that asking her to be my MOH just because i was hers does not make for a great MOH!! hehe. sure i was a great one to her, i know i was...but time had passed and we had changed, and we just were not as close as we were. so in reality, i kind of wish she would have not accepted my asking her to be my MOH even though i know that's a weird situation too. but i really feel like if someone feels they cannot wholeheartedly be involved in the wedding with happy helpful feelings for the bride, then decline. so if you feel like you still have some mental baggage going on, and i totally would understand if you did, since i kind of do as well and our relationship cooled off even more after my wedding...then i'd say to decline if she asks you. i don't think there is anything wrong with being honest and just saying if she asks (if you don't want to do it that is) that you feel like you two have drifted a bit and are not as close as you used to be and that she deserves someone who is very close to her heart to be in that honored position. of course she might go 'oh that's you' and then you are still in the awkward position...so i'm not sure how exactly to say NO if that is how you feel but don't get roped into it if you don't feel it 1000%. IMO it could just lead to drama later...aka she may not feel like you are doing enough, if she speaks up you might explode and tell her she wasn't good at your wedding etc. ay carumba! hehe.

 

[codex57]

I wouldn''t do it. Friendships change. I''ve noticed it seems to happen a lot more often with girls than with guys. Since your friendship has cooled off, what qualifies her as a best friend anymore? If you do do it, it sounds like she''ll be asking more out of obligation than anything else.

 

[flopkins]

say yes (assuming she asks you) *only* if you can be the MOH you wanted HER to be - ie, be excited, actively participate and plan prewedding showers/bach/etc...

If you don''t think you can do that, I would just very kindly decline. Otherwise, the resentment you are harboring will only create tension and dilute the quality of your role as her MOH - and you will essentially be doing to her what she did to you - not good IMO. Better to not be a MOH than a bad one.

Although I do agree w/some other posters in the way that perhaps she didn''t know what you expected. I was MOH for a friend before I got married, and boy, she was a WAY better MOH for me than I was for her. Partly bc I didn''t really know what to do, it was the first time I had been in a wedding party at all.