What would you do?

[Pandora II]

FI''s parents are divorced and both remarried.

FMIL''s husband has 5 children who are all married and in their 40''s. FFIL''s wife has 3 children aged between 25 and 19.

We rarely see any of FMIL''s stepkids, but see the 2 elder of FFIL''s stepkids.

FI really dislikes his father''s wife and she is very difficult. She actually got sectioned on Christmas Eve and was put on a Section 3 yesterday, so will be in the psychiatric unit for the next 6 months. I hate to say this, but FI is actually hoping they can make it a couple of months longer so she won''t be at our wedding.

I actually quite like her two daughters and we decided to invite them to the wedding - FI didn''t want to, but I said it would make life difficult in the future and I couldn''t be bothered with upsetting everyone. We have an unspoken agreement with FMIL''s stepkids that whilst we''re all glad to see each other and get on very well, there is no need for xmas presents or invitations to anything.

The problem is that FFIL''s wife has a 19 year old son - A.

I have only met A once for a couple of days - at FBIL''s wedding in Chicago.

He spent the whole of their wedding getting very drunk and making passes at their friends - and in a very persistent manner, despite them being there with their partners. My FSIL said she had been embarrassed to have him there - and it was the first time she had ever met him. FFIL''s wife invited all her kids, mother and sister to the wedding without asking!

FBIL''s wedding was a pretty big do with nearly 300 guests. He is also a lot more socially active than FI and I, and his friends are quite a wild(ish) crowd.

My wedding will be a lot more formal - there will only be 120 people there, and all our friends are on the quiet side. We''re more into spending an evening playing board-games at each other''s houses than going out clubbing or to bars. The only single people at my wedding are either over 70 or under 10, everyone else is either married, engaged or living with someone. I really, really don''t want to invite A. I just feel he will make a complete nusiance of himself, drink too much and frankly be quite bored with no-one to chat up.

I feel that it''s fine to invite his 2 older sisters who we see quite a lot of and are in contact with via FaceBook etc and not to invite someone we have only met once and at the most will see once every other year if that. His mother may well never even know that he wasn''t invited - right now, other than being convinced that we have all hypnotised her, she''s not capable of thinking about anything, and likely won''t be for quite some considerable time.

FI thinks we have to invite all 3 of them.

Frankly it makes me feel ill just thinking about him being there. A couple of people behaved inappropriately at my sister''s wedding and my parents were really quite upset as these people had ruined the atmosphere, and upset some of their guests.

What would you do?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I wouldn''t invite him. His mother won''t know, and you can always play the "we wanted a small wedding" card.

 

[surfgirl]

Are the two sisters close with their brother? Would they understand why you're not inviting him? If so, then I dont think it's an issue. If they're close to him, you might want/need to have a chat with them and explain why you're not inviting him...?

Oh, and Pandora, BTW, dont think I haven't noticed you IGNORING my demands for more hand shots of your ering...Dont MAKE me come over there and hunt you down...Please, more hand shots. We only got one and it's not nearly enough. There, I've said my peace.

ETA: Family obligations are so ridiculous sometimes. When I think of all the money I wasted on sending really nice wedding announcements to relatives who couldn't even be bothered to send a card, including two step siblings who I've met exactly one time each, it just annoys the crap out of me. I think if you've met him once, and he's a dolt and a lush, dont bother. You know what sort of atmosphere you want at your wedding. Stick to your guns missy!

 

[cara]

If I read this right, your FMIL''s 5 stepkids are fine NOT being invited. Fine and done.

Your FFIL''s has three stepkids, and you want to invite the older two daughters but not the younger son who made an ass of himself at a previous wedding?

Does this kid live with your father? What is his relationship like with his sister''s - whom you are friends with?

In defense of 19 yr. old boys (with difficult home situations) its possible that he has matured somewhat in the intervening months and his behavior was a fluke.

I wouldn''t be thrilled to invite him UNLESS some family member could talk to him about his behavior at the previous wedding. Which is probably not your father (unless he had a hand in raising him) and probably not his mother, given her current condition. Maybe you could speak to one of his sisters about your concerns if you think it is appropriate given your relationship. If he is as bad as you say, and they are rational people, they should be understanding.

But ultimately it is your husband''s side of the family and I think you have to defer to his instincts on this one, unless the guy is a true menace.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/12/2008 9:28:22 PM
Author: cara
If I read this right, your FMIL's 5 stepkids are fine NOT being invited. Fine and done.

Your FFIL's has three stepkids, and you want to invite the older two daughters but not the younger son who made an ass of himself at a previous wedding?

Does this kid live with your father? What is his relationship like with his sister's - whom you are friends with?

In defense of 19 yr. old boys (with difficult home situations) its possible that he has matured somewhat in the intervening months and his behavior was a fluke.

I wouldn't be thrilled to invite him UNLESS some family member could talk to him about his behavior at the previous wedding. Which is probably not your father (unless he had a hand in raising him) and probably not his mother, given her current condition. Maybe you could speak to one of his sisters about your concerns if you think it is appropriate given your relationship. If he is as bad as you say, and they are rational people, they should be understanding.

But ultimately it is your husband's side of the family and I think you have to defer to his instincts on this one, unless the guy is a true menace.

None of the kids live with their parents, one of the girls lives abroad, one about an hour away from home and I have no idea where he lives, but it's a different city. All of them are at least 4 hours away from where our wedding is.

FFIL has only been married to his wife for 4 years, so had nothing to do with bringing them up. Their real father is dead.

From what I heard from FI's youngest brother at xmas, A is becoming worse not better. One of his sisters is bailing him out financially and is pretty pissed off apparently, but I don't really know if they are close.

I've only met the sisters about 4 or 5 times in the last 3 years. I know them well enough to be okay with them coming to the wedding - if they weren't FFIL's stepkids, they wouldn't be on the guestlist though. I don't really know them well enough to say things about their brother to them.

FI is family-phobic and would be quite happy if we didn't have to do xmas, birthdays or 'family things' at all.


Surfgirl - I am trying to steal FI's camera off him or make him take some more pics. He's being 'too tired' this week. I'll MAKE him take some tomorrow!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Tough one, but honestly, I wouldn''t invite him. You have sound reasons for not wanting to, not least of which is that he behaved badly at a wedding recently, if I''ve understood this correctly.

If it becomes an issue, I''d cite his behaviour as the reason, thus keeping out of family dynamics. Put the onus on him and his behaviour, rather than you and your decision making! I had a relatively small, formal wedding too and we didn''t invite anyone we feared would have a negative impact on the atmosphere we''d worked so hard to establish. You have a strong idea of what you want your day to be and what you don''t want - he doesn''t sound important enough to you to risk inviting him!

Oh, and I keep meaning to ask - did you go with David Austin roses for your bouquet? I remember you mentioning them in another thread.

Jen

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/13/2008 7:07:50 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Tough one, but honestly, I wouldn''t invite him. You have sound reasons for not wanting to, not least of which is that he behaved badly at a wedding recently, if I''ve understood this correctly.

If it becomes an issue, I''d cite his behaviour as the reason, thus keeping out of family dynamics. Put the onus on him and his behaviour, rather than you and your decision making! I had a relatively small, formal wedding too and we didn''t invite anyone we feared would have a negative impact on the atmosphere we''d worked so hard to establish. You have a strong idea of what you want your day to be and what you don''t want - he doesn''t sound important enough to you to risk inviting him!

Oh, and I keep meaning to ask - did you go with David Austin roses for your bouquet? I remember you mentioning them in another thread.

Jen

Thanks for all the replies - I think I''m going to follow my instincts and hold firm on not inviting him.


I am hoping to have the David Austins, Jen. I''m going to see the woman I''m doing the flowers with - who is like my 3rd grandmother - at the end of Feb to discuss what we are doing. I''m going to see what her suppliers can source in that way. I''ve got my mother growing a few, but I can rely on them being in flower on the day!

This is the one I REALLY want to get my paws on:

Lady Emma Hamilton (Ausbrother)

 

[basil]

Do you think that this boy would have much or any awareness that he wasn''t invited? Do you think he would really be offended? It kinda sounds like he''s got enough to worry about other than his once-met step-sister-in-law''s wedding.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

That is one beautiful rose - perfect for a wedding. I have one growing here, but it was only planted a few months ago. I have a while to wait for these glorious flowers!

I bet that has the most wonderful damask scent. If you contact David Austin, they will source it for you if they possibly can, even if you only want one or two blooms. I''ve always found them to be really helpful.

Good luck!

Jen