What would you say.....

[Pushin40]

...if you BFF was marrying the wrong guy?

Picture this.....
All she wanted was to get married.
She bought a house with him and made a big deal about getting engaged.
He did it, they got engarged, then got married a year alter.
And divorced just one year after that.

Come to find out she had serious doubts about him 3 months beofre the wedding but was scared to back out becuase everyting was paid for and set to go.
She said if anyone has asked her if she REALLY wanted to get married, she would have said no but she didn''t have the courage to bring it up.

This made me think. He is a REALLY nice guy but I just didn''t see him as "the one" - ever. I never considered having this conversation with her because I didn''t want to hurt her. I just wanted her to be happy. She told me later that she would always hope/expect her GFs to be honest with her, good or bad.

Hmmmmmm

So would I say it next time? I''m still not sure....

What do you think?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I said it.

I lost the friend.

Years later, after she left him, we slowly became friends again.

For me, while friendship is a little different than commited significant other style relationships, I believe you have just as much of an obligation to be forthright and honest with your feelings with friends as you do with your partner.

I do ask almost every one of my friends if they are sure they want to be getting married. Most often I am doing it just to double check and I have no objection but in a few rare cases, I''ve certainly had my reservations. Some people will listen to what you have to say and some, like my friend, will just cut you off and say you are bitter and jealous. It never crosses their minds you were concerned until they are facing some terrible fallout from their marriage or they have a friend going through something similar.

 

[Rhea]

I say it to a point. I had a friend get pregnant recently and while everyone was congratulating her, I knew it wasn't part of her plan right now. I simply asked her if she was happy. It gave her a chance to express how she really felt and her concerns.

I feel like I get looks when I ask people if they're happy, but it's worth it. I almost always ask if someone is happy before saying congratulations for new jobs, pregnancies, and engagements. It's a really easy question to ask. It doesn't pry and it gives the person a chance to truly express what they are thinking if they would like.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Been there, done that...there was some lost love between us for a while but she got over it. I never made it about anything other than what it was and reassured her that I would support her decision either way.

 

[gwendolyn]

I''ve said it to one of my best guy friends. More than once. A few of us have. We''re all still friends, he respects that I have my opinion, but he hasn''t done anything about it because he''s too afraid of change. Of course, his girlfriend is pushing to get married but he doesn''t want to--he won''t say that, but he has kept their relationship stalled for the entire 7.5 years they''ve been together, so I think it''s pretty clear that he doesn''t want to marry her. But he''s chicken, and he doesn''t want to break up with her either. He''s being stupid, and so is she, and (in my opinion) they''re just wasting time in a relationship that ended years ago, but they are too scared of being alone to leave, and so it continues. They do almost everything separately now, and haven''t ever had one actual conversation about marriage with each other, and they bring out the worst in each other...*sighs* It''s so hard to watch. I know on the one hand it''s none of my business and that their relationship is between the two of them--I know that. But it''s so hard to watch someone you care about spend years of their life with someone who slowly turns them into someone you don''t really recognize anymore. Not fun.

 

[lliang_chi]

While I see nothing wrong with expressing concerns, if your friend isn''t receptive to it, then I''d just drop it.

My sister wasn''t very receptive during her past relationship. Did I know it wasn''t good for her? Yes. I tested the waters, found she wasn''t having it, so dropped it. Hopefully you''ll be there to help her out afterward.

 

[Anna0499]

If I was in that situation I would be as politely honest as I could...maybe expressing my concerns while giving my BFF a chance for rebuttal to convince me otherwise. However, because you said he was a "REALLY nice guy" I would probably not be as concerned as someone who treats my BFF badly. Finding a nice guy is half the battle in my opinion. People get divorced whether the warning signs were there in the beginning or not...so it''s hard to tell. All I would do is hope for the best and that my relationship with my BFF is strong enough for honesty and understanding.

 

[HollyS]

If the woman in question was a very close friend . . very nearly one of my sisters . . I would talk to her just like I would my sisters. I think I would probably know if she was having doubts; at least I should if I''m paying close enough attention to her.

 

[Pandora II]

I said it...

To my sister and to my parents.

She married him, eight year's later they're still together, they fight continually and make each other miserable. They have a 3 year-old daughter who is already in therapy (v. unusual in the UK) because no-one can understand her 'behavioural problems'.

Uh huh, like living in a house with a hysterical, neurotic mother who continually provokes her husband until he flips and they have a screaming match is healthy for kids...

Oh, I was told I was jealous because she, my younger sister, was getting married before me.

She has since told me that she wanted to call it off, but was afraid everyone would have been upset because of all the planning, expenses etc.

My parents now have a 'no getting engaged before you have lived together for at least a year' rule if we want any financial help with the wedding.

Oh, and I'd definitely say it anytime I thought it needed saying.

People who know me IRL tend to expect me to be blunt and say the things others pussy-foot about. Gotta love that Asperger's at times!

 

[Bia]

I said it too and our friendship was toast...I mean it crumbled before my eyes, like it never even was. Looking back, I know she was in denial. She needed to maintain the illusion that her relationship was perfect and that he loved her.

She has since broken up with her liar-cheater boyfriend and although she came to me with an apology and I accepted and told her we could mend it, it couldn''t be repaired. Our relationship is strained and no longer natural-- very sad because she was like a sister to me.

This is a tough call. If a friend asks, you tell her the truth, even if she doesn''t want to hear. Placed in the same situation, I would do it again, if for no other reason than I would want to know.

 

[fieryred33143]

I believe that people should learn from their own mistakes. If my BFF or anyone else close to me was marrying someone abusive, with a drug addiction, is a serial cheater, or anything else to that extreme then I would venture out and speak up, regardless of the consequences. But if the guy is a decent guy and my only hesitation is a hunch that they don''t really look good together or I thought maybe he wasn''t the one, I wouldn''t say anything. Its not my place and people should make their own choices. You also don''t know what''s going on behind closed doors. In this case, your hunch was right...but it may not necessarily be right next time.

I also want to say as a side note that if she were really a BFF, her hesitation is something that she would have freely communicated to you. My best friend tells me about her doubts with her upcoming marriage all the time and we talk through them. That''s what real best friends do. You don''t really have a filter or a mute button with each other. I''m surprised that if she really is a BFF, why she didn''t feel comfortable enough to share those secret thoughts with you. And if she had, then saying something to her about your own thoughts in that case would have been appropriate.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I would voice my concerns gently and honestly-- once. Something along the lines of ''you don''t seem entirely happy with him'' or something like that. I can get away with being pretty brutally honest with my BFFs. They might not like it, but they know I''ll tell them how it is and our friendship can take it (speaking from experience). But after that, I would drop the issue and let her come to me.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 6/23/2008 5:01:11 PM
Author: Addy
I say it to a point. I had a friend get pregnant recently and while everyone was congratulating her, I knew it wasn''t part of her plan right now. I simply asked her if she was happy. It gave her a chance to express how she really felt and her concerns.

I feel like I get looks when I ask people if they''re happy, but it''s worth it. I almost always ask if someone is happy before saying congratulations for new jobs, pregnancies, and engagements. It''s a really easy question to ask. It doesn''t pry and it gives the person a chance to truly express what they are thinking if they would like.

I like this approach!

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 6/23/2008 6:56:10 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I believe that people should learn from their own mistakes. If my BFF or anyone else close to me was marrying someone abusive, with a drug addiction, is a serial cheater, or anything else to that extreme then I would venture out and speak up, regardless of the consequences. But if the guy is a decent guy and my only hesitation is a hunch that they don''t really look good together or I thought maybe he wasn''t the one, I wouldn''t say anything. Its not my place and people should make their own choices. You also don''t know what''s going on behind closed doors. In this case, your hunch was right...but it may not necessarily be right next time.

I also want to say as a side note that if she were really a BFF, her hesitation is something that she would have freely communicated to you. My best friend tells me about her doubts with her upcoming marriage all the time and we talk through them. That''s what real best friends do. You don''t really have a filter or a mute button with each other. I''m surprised that if she really is a BFF, why she didn''t feel comfortable enough to share those secret thoughts with you. And if she had, then saying something to her about your own thoughts in that case would have been appropriate.

I hear what you are saying, and yeah the burdon is not on me to necessariy bring things up. I agree.
Over time, leading up to the wedding, I did talk to her about him, his personality, etc. She thought he just needed to grow up.

My thougths are really can a friend really handle the rejection of their chosen spouce? I didn''t wnat to go there.

If it were abuse, alcohol, or durgs that is an entirely different matter and I would most definily have no problem bringing it up,

 

[decodelighted]

Pushin40,
I don''t think your friend is being fair to you. Its easy NOW for her to admit she was having doubts then (because she knows the outcome). She has no idea how she would have *really* reacted back then if she''d gotten even a small dose of the honesty she''s now wishing she''d gotten. Ultimately its not a friend''s responsibility to save someone from themselves - or to plunge past denial & wake someone up to their own truth. Sure, if you have a strong hunch or proof of wrongdoing or whatever a friend might choose to take that risk & speak up ... but its certainly understandable if one doesn''t. Hindsight is 20/20. Don''t let her make you feel guilty! But I guess keep her request in mind if you see her diving for another cliff.

 

[Aloros]

I have a few friends that I am very close to - I would definitely speak up. These friendships have all survived some brutal honesty, and I think they are stronger because of it.

Anyone else, unless the man or woman was heinous, I''d probably keep my mouth shut. It just wouldn''t be my place.

 

[bee*]

Date: 6/24/2008 11:45:15 AM
Author: Aloros
I have a few friends that I am very close to - I would definitely speak up. These friendships have all survived some brutal honesty, and I think they are stronger because of it.


Anyone else, unless the man or woman was heinous, I''d probably keep my mouth shut. It just wouldn''t be my place.

Yeah I''d be the same. I''d only say it to really close friends.

 

[surfgirl]

One friend had another friend who told her flat out that she didn''t think P should marry her BF. They didn''t speak for a few years after that. P said she was jealous but I told P I agreed with what the other friend said. In the end, P''s husband got her pregnant and then left her when the kid was like less than a year old. Moved right in with another woman. Niiiice guy.

Told another guy friend that his gf was psycho, which he knew, and that he shouldn''t marry her "just to make her happy". They had a kid and split up after a few years of a very bad marriage.

I''d say it again to any good friend if I thought they were making a mistake.