what would you think?

[cdt1101]

So my BF and I have been together about 20 months. Now I know that''s not a really long time, but last June we bought a house together (he asked me if I wanted to do this), and then in November he took me to look at rings. He even told me last month, that we would be engaged within the next 3 months. He is currently finishing his MBA (he''ll be done in May), and I know he wants to finish this before we get engaged. He also just recently started a new job in NYC. Me, being a girl (and stumbling upon Pricescope), I have been slightly obesessed with getting engaged. So I probably bring it up more then I should. This past Saturday I brought it up, and he was kind of quiet. So after some pushing, he basically told me he doesn''t know if he can marry me, and that he''s just not ready. He thinks I''m too controlling (which I do have control issues, I''m trying to work on). So of course I got upset, and then he was like i don''t want to hurt you....blah blah blah.....and suggested we go out for dinner (which we had already planned), so we did. But I was just very quiet and stuff, and then he''s like...."why don''t you like me anymore!!!!!"..I don''t get it, am I not supposed to be upset? Then to top it off, there was a couple we ran into, and they asked if we were married, and I simple said NO. He acted upset by this? He asked why I didnt'' say "not yet". It''s all so confusing, I just feel like one minute he acts like he wants to marry me, and the next he''s not sure! He''s so wishy-washy about everything, and it''s really frustrating. I don''t want to give him a deadline, but realistically I don''t want to wait around either. I feel like if it doesn''t happen before June (one year since we moved in together), then I should just leave. Do you think this is reasonable? What do you think?

 

[Caribou]

You need to sit down with him and tell him that it isn''t fair of him to tell you that he doesn''t think he can marry you and then act offended when you tell someone who asked you if you are married, ''No!'' Then you need to tell him that you have a right to know if he is has any intentions on marrying you. If he doesn''t, you need to move on.

If he says he wants to marry you but he doesn''t like your controlling way, then you need to figure out if he''s important enough to work on getting that in check. I''ve been in controlling relationships, not nearly as bad as some, but even the slightest bit control from someone sets me off. It''s not fun for the one who is being controlled.

He seems wishy washy and he needs to get that in check. It''s like it''s okay for me to tell you that I might not want to marry you but you can''t let anyone else know that. Seems a little insecure and childish.

 

[cdt1101]

It''s very frustrating because he wasn''t always this way. We used to be on the same page ( at least I thought), but it''s like ever since he got his new job (which was only a month and a half ago), he seems weird. I just don''t understand it, he makes comments about us getting married, and kids, but then tells me he''s not ready, or he isn''t sure.....it''s very confusing.....

I don''t even know why he took me ring shopping, if he was feeling unsure, it just doesn''t add up. I made it very clear to him what I want. And i even told him, his going back and forth makes me wonder if I want to be with him! And that''s when he started getting alittle upset. I don''t get men.....

 

[Caribou]

I''m sorry. Men do really suck.

It sounds like you really need to find out what he''s thinking and why he is doing that. That isn''t at all fair to you.

 

[XChick03]

Wow, talk about mixed signals. He doesn''t know if he wants to marry yet he gets upset when you say "not yet." I''d be pretty upset if I was you.

I was in a similar situation when I started dating my now fiance. We worked together before we dated and it was obvious we both had feelings for each other and even though I asked him out twice, he acted like he was completely uninterested. One night, we ended up hanging out and I thought everything was great, but he was acting really weird after that. He kept saying he wasn''t ready to date me, that we were just "hanging out." After a month of this, I was ready to walk and thats when he finally decided he was ready for an actual relationship.

So, I guess my advice to you would be to talk to him first. I would''ve regretted it forever, had I left him then. Men have a way of sending completely mixed up signals but really meaning one thing. If I had to guess, I would say that he didn''t mean he doesn''t want to marry, but maybe just that he''s not ready yet. That''s how my fiance always did things, completely backwards. Just ask him if he intends to marry you one day and tell him you''re not trying to push him into anything, its just something you need to know.

 

[IndiBlue]

I was in a very similar situation to you not to long ago. My BF of 5 year (now FI) and I had been living together for about a year and it was becoming really hard for me to be acting like we were married but knowing that we really weren''t. I knew that my BF loved me and wanted to marry me, but it was complicated. He was stuggling with the fear of taking the next step, but knew that it as something that he wanted to do at some point. I, of course, was applying a little too much pressure and it all came to head one night when he said he wasn''t ready to be my husband- Which HURT! More then I thought it would because for the last year he''s been acting like my husband.

So we sat down, ironed it all out- and now we''re engaged. So, if you love him, stick with it! It''s worth the wait and the worry!

 

[widget]

Hi, cdt...

I usuallly don''t dip into topics like this...I''m certainly not a LIW...I''m probably two generations older than you!...but here goes:

It sounds to me like he''s got a lot going on right now...finishing up his MBA and dealing with a new job in NY...maybe he''s contending with the fact that he''s just about "grown up" now, and will soon have to face some lifelong commitments..like YOU!

Probably a pretty scary time for most men..

I''d probably back off and not bring up the subject (the M word) at least until June, maybe longer. I''d give him some time to get his bearings.

If HE should bring up the subject, I''d respond only to what HE is saying about it. If he volunteered again that he doesn''t think he can marry you, I''d let him know how heart broken I was and then say: "Then I think it''s time for me to consider moving out and getting on with my life..." That would probably start the conversation ball rolling!

Good Luck!

Just some "ol'' lady" thoughts..
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[cdt1101]

Thanks ladies! You are all so reassuring, and I need that right now. I definitely do not want to end the relationship, but it hurts alot when the person you love says the things you don''t want to hear. I''m definitely not going to bring up the engagement thing for awhile (it''s going to be sooooooooo hard). Hopefully things will work out.

 

[anchor31]

My advice is that when he does bring it up, ask him what timeframe he has in mind, so you don''t get unrealistic expectations. Then both of you will be on the same page again. When my boyfriend was sending me mixed signals, it turned out to be because he had given himself a deadline, and was fishing for hints for the ring and proposal and trying to be "subtle" about it. J, subtle? Ha! He was driving me insane!! He''d talk about it faily often, but when I''d talk about it, he''s close down and say "one day". It frustrated me to no end. Now we both know it''s going to happen this year and we''re both very happy about it.

Good luck!

 

[snuga]

I definitely think you should talk to him about your needs/thoughts, but don''t pressure him into proposing.. I don''t think you would want him to propose if he wasn''t ready. Give him some time, he sounds like he''s very busy right now and under a lot of stress. I would wait a few more months, the summer isn''t too far away, who knows what will have developed by then. Good Luck

 

[ilovesparkles]

Wow, how frustrating! Im not to the point where you are yet ( we still dont even live in the same state) but I know that we are planning on spending our lives together. What I have learned from conflicts is that you should use "I" statements and not "You" statements. And that it works best if you each take a turn giving your whole shpiel. You have the stage to talk about what is frustrating you "I feel ...." and not "You make me feel....." and then give him a turn to tell his side of the story. After each of you has gotten all that info out, then you can talk about it and try to find a middle ground or solution. Another little tid bit, don''t just try to push it to the back of your head for a while. That may be the solution you find together, but don''t cover-up your feelings to spare his -- that is the maddest I have ever been in my life! So talk about it, and perhaps agree that you won''t bring it up again until June. Hope that helps a little or at least gives you some ideas. Keep us posted on how things are going!

Amanda

 

[JulieN]

This is not going to be a reassuring post, sorry to say. I''ll leave space and if you''d rather not read it.











You say he''s acting different recently, and he''s finishing up an MBA, new job in NYC. He''s probably meeting a lot of people, and maybe he''s just got an itch for something else. He says he isn''t sure if he can marry you, but then is offended when you act like you aren''t sure, either. That really isn''t fair. Is it possible you''re his safety net? If this isn''t the case, I''m happy for you. Good luck!

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 2/21/2006 6:42:51 PM
Author: JulieN
This is not going to be a reassuring post, sorry to say. I''ll leave space and if you''d rather not read it.











He''s probably meeting a lot of people, and maybe he''s just got an itch for something else.

I have to say that was my very first thought when I read the original post.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/21/2006 7:01:22 PM
Author: LAJennifer

Date: 2/21/2006 6:42:51 PM

Author: JulieN

This is not going to be a reassuring post, sorry to say. I''ll leave space and if you''d rather not read it.



He''s probably meeting a lot of people, and maybe he''s just got an itch for something else.

I have to say that was my very first thought when I read the original post.

Same here, I''m afraid.

 

[cdt1101]

my BF and I had a talk last night, and I feel 100% better. He said we definitely want the same things, he just needed to get his concerns off his chest, but feels so much better having done that. I brought up the "safety net" issue that some of you ladies mention, and he reassured me that this ABSOLUTELY was not the case. He just has a lot of things going on right now...I''m definitely not going to add to it with talks of engagement! Thanks again for the advise!