When do you tell Mom?

[KCCutie]

Okay here's my dilemma:

My mom has been chomping at the bit for one of her kids to get married for a long time. I totally understand this as my older brother and I are older than all our cousins on her side and our cousins have all been getting married at an alarming rate. Actually we are the last single ones except the few that are under 18 still. I know my mom just wants us to be happy but she can be a nag about it and in the past teased us relentlessly. She asked me before E and I had our talk if things were moving in that direction and I told her that I thought nothing would happen until after his sisters wedding (which I really believed to be the case) and we had a long talk about why I felt this was hard for E and how I didn't want to push but I felt it would happen. She seemed kinda disappointed but okay with all of this.

Fast forward 2 months. E and I have been looking for a house. From our various talks I think we both agree that we want to have our place by the time my lease is up in August and I know we both want to be engaged before we live together. So I think I'll be engaged by August 31st. Then we don't want a long engagement and will probably have a destination wedding. I'm hoping for early spring.

At this point and with that time-line I should be married before this time next year (Yikes that's not very far away). At first I wasn't going to tell my mom I was going to surprise her with the ring. I know she'll be ecstatic but I didn't want her to go overboard. However she could really use something to be excited about right now as she starts Chemo on May 1st. Besides I just don't think I can keep the fact that I'm buying a house a secret for that long.

I know I need to talk to E about this in case he wants to ask their permission first or something. I just feel like my mom needs all the happiness in her life she can get and I don't want to keep this from her anymore.

What do you think? When do you think you'll tell your mom... as soon as you even expect it or it right after he proposes?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i would tell her. my mom just got done with chemo and i know if i had news like that i would be bustin at the seams to tell her. good luck with all the hospital stuff by the way, i know it can be hard

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I''m a big time momma''s girl - so I asked FI to make sure she knew before he was going to propose, so I don''t see why you couldn''t both go tell her you''re buying a house together, because that''s a big step in the right direction.

He actually went out there two times, once to talk to my mom, and then the next night to talk to both my parents, and that really meant a lot to me.

I can relate how you feel about her starting chemo, too - my mom had a hysterectomy to remove ovarian cancer, and had to go through chemo, and it was a rough time, so please let us know if you need support!

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks ladies!

Yeah I think I would just wait and surprise her if it weren''t for the chemo. She is being so strong through all of this and I am so very proud of her.

I guess I need to talk to my SO about this and make sure he''s okay with me telling her. I don''t think I can tell her and expect her to keep it a secret that just wouldn''t be fair as she''ll be bursting at the seams I''m sure. I''m sure when I explain it he''ll understand. I mean his parents already know and I think my dad has his suspicions so I don''t really see the point in not telling her now. If it were just the engagement that was 3 months away maybe I would just hint, but throwing the house into the equation means I have to tell her about both as my parents would be crushed if they thought we were house shopping without an engagement in sight.

It''s just that things have been changing so fast I''m afraid to tell her because nothing is set in stone and if, heaven forbid, things fell apart I wouldn''t want it to shatter her hopes and dreams too b/c well with the cancer and the chemo that''s the last thing she needs. Obviously I don''t think that will happen but my SO is notoriously flighty and plans can change at the drop of hat. I guess I need to talk to him and really nail this one down before I can say anything.

 

[INdmbLove]

I understand the dilema! One day my mom just popped out a wedding planning guide she had bought at the bookstore- I guess that was my hint to get movin'' already... As if I''m the one stalling! Anyways, I agree with what everyone has said with talking it over with FF- I''m sure he''ll understand the circumstances.

 

[excitedmid40sgirl]

I think it''s great that you''re sensitive to your mom''s feelings and needs now as she begins chemo. Talking to your BF about telling her is a wise idea. Telling moms about stuff can be a hard decision...My much-loved husband of 14 years died three years ago of a brain tumor after a long struggle. I''m in my mid-forties, and my 67-year old mom is SO anxious for me to be happy and remarried. Unbelievably, I have fallen in love with a great man, and we''re headed towards marriage...Every time I talk to my mom, she asks, "Well?" I''m bursting to tell her that my BF is looking at rings and that we''ve discussed it, but I don''t want her to go into overdrive. After all, I''m 45! But I guess you''re always your mom''s "baby."

Good luck with everything, please keep us posted, and I will keep good thoughts and prayers for your mom''s health.

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks excitedmid40sgirl!

I''m going to be 31 in a couple weeks and since I''ve never been married I think our mothers are about at the same level

This weekend we went into a really nice jewelry store so that E could inquire about getting a watch fixed. He''s had it for years and the clasp broke before we even met and he looked on line and said "Looks like I should take it to Tivol" so that''s where we went. When we got there they didn''t even carry that brand they told him he''d have to mail it to the manufacturer so we decided to look around. He looked at other watches and I had to bite my tongue so I didn''t blurt out "You can''t buy an expensive new watch you''re supposed to be saving for a ring and a house!"

Then we walked buy the wedding bands and engagement rings. They didn''t have any Asschers so I pointed out a 3 stone EC and told him I like the step cuts but I like the square ones better. I told him I didn''t like the halos and we talked about how a classic solitaire would be nice and he said he thought 3/4ct was a good size!

Then we talked to his parents and somehow diamonds came up.

On our way home I asked him about the house thing again and it seems like he really hasn''t decided 100%.

He seems pretty sure that when my lease is up we''ll move in together somewhere but he says we could always get a 2 bedroom in the building he lives in now or rent somewhere else. I know it''s probably b/c my job is terribly boring right now and I have way too much free time but we only have 4 months until my lease is up! If we''re going to buy a house we need to start getting things in order soon. Then I said I didn''t really want to wait until after we bought a house to tell my mom. I think she''d feel slighted if I said "Hey mom guess what we bought a house you want to see it?" I think he agrees, but I think I need to wait until we are really serious about buying something.

Apparently my little sister has caught the engagement crazy bug too. She asked my dad the other day if he had money saved up for our weddings!

She doesn''t even have a serious boyfriend, so I know my dad thinks something is up with me.

So I think for now I''m going to keep quite for a bit longer. I think getting my mom all excited would be major pressure on E and I don''t want to do that to him. Maybe in a few weeks I can mention something to my mom and make her swear to keep it a secret until I have more news, but I''ll just have to wait and see how things are going I guess.

 

[KCCutie]

Okay ladies I just can''t take it anymore! I just have to tell my mom and I have to tell her everything b/c it''s all so connected.

My SO''s parents are most likely completely in the know and it''s starting to get to me that we/he can talk to them but I can''t talk to my mom. Right now it''s just a lot of talk about the house. We need advice from people who know about buying houses. We''ve never bought a house before so we need lots of help. I''ve been badgering my little sister with pictures of houses and she''s not much help expect to say "Oh, well that one looks pretty."

It seems every other day now we''re talking about houses or looking into other options and I really need and value her opinion. So she asked me to pick he up something from the health food store today and I''m going to take that by after work. My SO will be shopping with his sister (some story about buying a mother''s day gift....not sure I totally believe that but my b-day is Saturday so hopefully presents for me are on the list too

).

So I''m just going to spill it. It''ll be like a late b-day (hers was 5/5) and early Mother''s Day gift for her I''m sure and better than anything I could buy. I''m going to start with the house stuff which will lead to the engagement (before buying the house) talk which will lead to the wedding (possibly as soon as Jan 09) on the beach talk.

Oh goodness! I''m actually nervous and excited all at once!

 

[gwendolyn]

Sounds good!!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Good luck!!

 

[ladypirate]

Aww, good luck KC!

 

[KCCutie]

Aw! Thanks ladies! I hope I won''t need luck just to tell her....I''m guessing she''ll be ecstatic.

I just hope she listens to me and keeps this quite for just a bit longer. She has a tendency to tell everyone everything to the point that people I''ve never met know all about me and my SO it''s just weird. I''ve had to sit her down before and ask her not to tell everyone my life story I think I actually said if you can''t stop this telling everyone everything then I just won''t tell you anything.....yeah I know it wasn''t pretty. She has tried very hard and she is doing better and I do understand that it''s really hard for her b/c she''s so proud of her kids.

I''m just going to ask that she keeps this our little secret between me, my parents and my little sister at least until I have a ring