When does late become rude?

[curlygirl]

OK, I know I''m anxious because my wedding is in 31 days so please bear with me! Our official reply by date was on January 2 which was Monday which was a holiday. So there was no mail that day. We know people have been busy with holidays, etc. But is it so hard to write your name on a card, check off whether you are attending or not, put it in the pre-addressed stamped envelope, and send it back?!?! There are approximately 20 people who have not yet responded. Actually, it''s really more like 40 people--20 reply cards not received. We sent the invites out the week before Thanksgiving just because we knew people would need extra time because of the holidays but I just don''t know why people are still waiting around. It''s been 6 weeks! Anyway, they''re technically only a couple of days late but like I said, I''m super anxious and want to move on to the next steps which include place cards, seating arrangements, number of centerpieces, menus, programs, etc. I also just want to know if these people are coming or not!

So, when does late become rude? How long should I give these slackers before I start making calls? I''m definitely going to wait until the end of the week so is it ok for me to start harassing these jerks next week? I know my wedding isn''t their priority but it is mine and I would think they could be a little bit considerate! Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[Jelly]

Slow down! Just because someone is a little late to respond, doesn''t mean they are intentionally trying to be rude.

It''s a busy time of year and people have been busy with the holidays, traveling, etc. If making phone calls will put you at ease, that''s fine. Or a friendly email nudge should do the trick.

Good luck!

 

[flopkins]

apparently this is a problem for everyone... I would give it to the end of the week and distribute a list to your parents/ FI parents to call respective family that haven''t responded, and assign a bm to call your friends list... and have them take care of the delinquent responders!

 

[FireGoddess]

People may not be trying to be rude, but the fact that they''ve had the invitation for six weeks and haven''t bothered to send response cards yet IS rude, whether that is their intention or not. It takes less than a minute to check off "yes, 2 coming, I want the chicken option", and put that sucker in the prepaid envelope.

Giving them a few days or even 3 weeks to decide whether they can attend still means they''ve been sitting on it for another 3 weeks. Give me a break!

I always send response cards as soon as I can. If I know I''m coming, I do it the day after the invite comes. If I''m not sure, I try to figure it out in 1 to 2 weeks and then return it.

Call them up the first of next week.

 

[ellewoods]

Hi Curly.

I do think it is rude to have waited so long and not sent their RSVP cards back. I think you should definitely give these people a call, do it during work hours if you want so you can leave a nice message instead of having to talk to them (and risk sounding irritated)....I don''t think you need to wait until the end of the week or wait until any certain date. If it will help you out in getting answers then go ahead. If you feel uncomfortable doing this, let your fiance make the calls, or your mother, or sister, or bridesmaid, etc.

The problem here is that you sent your invitations at a very very complicated and busy time for people. It was very good planning of you to send them so far back, to give people a head''s up. But the problem is that once a couple days before Thanksgiving hit -- people are crazed, busy, stressed, not themselves, out of their normal routines, etc. etc. until at least the first couple weeks of January.

It''s not your fault that you needed to send the invitations around that time, but I think that explains why 20 people haven''t gotten around to responding. It''s like fast forward once Thanksgiving hits -- you''re dealing with traveling (or hosting guests), family issues, stress, eating too much, taking time off from work or not being able to take time off from work for holiday and family committments.....and then it''s non-stop through the Christmas shopping, financial stress, family stress, etc. etc.....then Christmas hits, and then there''s finding something fun and amazing to do for New Years. People are just starting to get their bearings.

I''m not saying that because all of those things, it isn''t rude of people to reply so late (or have not replied at all) but the time period explains it I think.

For example, I belong to a book club where I have to decline the "featured selection" online each month if I don''t want them to send it to me. Works like a CD club. In the last couple months I have been so busy and stressed I haven''t remembered to simply go online and click "no" to the featured selections. I didn''t do this just once, however, but THREE TIMES. LOL

I have 3 books sitting on my bookshelf, still in their packages, waiting for me to take them to the post office and return them. I know it''s terrible and you wonder how people can get so behind in such things but I think it happens to most people during the end of the year/holiday season.

So give them a call, send an email, you don''t need to give them any more time out of politeness.

 

[JCJD]

You have plenty of time before your wedding to take care of these things if you make the calls at the end of the week. Spend your time this week doing things you can at least start without the complete guest list. You can at least start on the place cards, programs, some of the seating now, and I''m sure you have some other things you can do for your wedding (a bride''s work is never finished

): tie ribbon on your favors, begin addressing thank you notes, wrap your bridesmaid gifts, or take the time to go on a no-wedding-talk-date with your future hubby.


I don''t think these people are intentionally being rude. I''ve misplaced invitations, including response cards, in the mess on my desk or buried somewhere in my bills folder until the week, even the day before the wedding, if not after it. I was unorganized, preoccupied, and careless, but not trying to make the bride''s life harder. I''m sorry to say that it wasn''t until I was a bride myself that I fully realized how important it is to get those little cards in the mail quickly. Unfortunately, my husband still doesn''t get it (even after dealing with very-stressed-out-normally-mellow-me), so if I don''t send them, they won''t be sent, and now they''ll get lost on his desk! I would imagine some of your invited guests have the same faults. I hope none are intentionally witholding information to stress you out.

As a busy, messy, unorganized person, I would definitely appreciate a friendly reminder call in the days/week following the respond by date, and I''m sure these people would as well. And delegate it to people who aren''t as stressed as we brides get.

HTH!!

 

[blodthecat]

I think it is very rude and extremely inconsiderate.

If you have been privilaged in receiving an invite, then you should have the courtessy to reply on time. The bride-to-be shouldn't have to start ringing round, trying to find out who is coming. You've got more than enough on your plate at this time.

I live in England, and it would be considered the height of bad manners not to reply by the requested date.

Sorry, no excuses!

Blod

 

[appletini]

While it is a little on the rude side, I''d give them this week as a grace period...perhaps this weekend you could start making calls or send emails, or ask people who know those guests to ask them for you. Maybe they''ll give you great gifts to make up for their tardiness.

 

[curlygirl]

Thanks for all the great advice and support, ladies!!

While I don''t think anyone is being intentionally rude, I just don''t understand why it''s so hard for some people to respond in a timely fashion. I think I may be more uptight about this than most people because I have planned this entire thing with little to no help from my fiance or family so I''m taking it all very personally. It''s hard to plan a party for 150 people and if anything goes wrong, I''ll feel totally responsible. Also, since we are paying for it ourselves (parents will give us a gift after, I hope!) I''m aware of every nickel and dime that I have spent and if I know how many people are actually coming, I can prepare myself for the financial depletion!

Jelly, you can''t say "slow down" to a bride who is getting married in less than a month!!! Everything is of the utmost importance right now!!!!

Flopkins, I knew I wasn''t alone in this--it happens to everyone. I guess I just expected everyone to know how uptight I am and respond quickly!!

FireGoddess, I''m with you! I always respond immediately. It''s so easy to do, especially when the envelope is address and the postage is paid for!

Ellewoods, I always knew that the timing of this wedding was going to be a factor when sending out invitations. I considered sending them at the beginning of November to give people 3 months but they just weren''t ready in time! I figured if people got them before Thanksgiving, they could send them back right away and then the holidays, etc. wouldn''t even be an issue. I guess you just can''t predict how people will react.

JCJD, I know what you mean, I can''t expect everyone to put my wedding at the top of their list of priorities! I have been working on some of the other small tasks in the meantime so I don''t feel like I''m at a standstill.

Blod, you''re a woman after my own heart! I have always been a stickler for manners and etiquette and am shocked when others aren''t the same way. I''m glad you understand me. Perhaps I should move to England!!

Appletini, I''m definitely going to start making some calls early next week. And I hope you''re right about the gifts!

Thanks again everyone. The next few weeks are going to be insane and I really appreciate all your help!!

 

[njc]

I would definately give them until the end of this week and maybe half of next week. It is rude, but its a busy time of the year even if you did send your invites before Thanksgiving, just for that reason. No matter what, i think you will always have to track some people down. Like JCJD said, it isnt until you are in a situation needing replies that you notice how important it is to get that card in the mail! My first experience was planning a shower for a friend... i even made it easy and gave my email address!

When we made our reply by date, we made sure to have 2 extra weeks built in for the slower replies. Unfortunately we had people that we found out were coming 2 DAYS before... i wanted to ring their necks and FI parents (it was their friends) didnt seem to think it was a big deal... seating had to be redone and place cards made!

 

[icekid]

I don''t know why people don''t understand that it is important to RSVP in a timely manner so you can tie up the last minute details..! Seriously, I would give them another week and then call too.

 

[Caribou]

This is one of my pet peeves.

It doesn''t take a whole lot of effort to check a box or two and slip it in the mail, your guests need to get to getting!!!!! I''d give them until the weekend and then start making calls. I thinking that the majority of the people who have not sent their RSVP back to you have planned their own, been involved in planing a, or been to at least one wedding in their lifetime!!! They know this is important!!!

I read somewhere that some people like close friends & family members sometimes forget because they know they are coming and and you know they are coming so it either slips their mind or they just don''t send it.

 

[pebbles]

Before I had kids, I was super organized. When I received a wedding invitation, I would reply the same day if I knew for sure we were going. If we were not sure, I made sure I mailed it back within a week (It doesn''t take longer than that to decide if you are going or not!)

Now that I have two toddlers, my organization skills are out the window!

I work part time too, so I am lucky to get the weekly laundry done without everyone running out of underwear and socks!

When I was a bride I used to think the same thing -- why can''t people just check yes or no and send back the damn card?!?! Now that my life is a lot busier, I totally understand how you can get caught up in the day to day things and not respond to something like a wedding invitation right away. To me, now, 6 weeks away seems like an eternity. I remember in my head that I have to send the card back, but in reality, I am lucky to send it back in time!

I''m not trying to make excuses for everyone, and yes, it probably is rude of me to now wait until the last minute, but it happens. Try not to be too hard on your guests. You usually don''t have to let the hall/reception venue know how many people you are having until the week before anyway. Throw in the holidays and it is no wonder that all the responses haven''t come back in time.

When we were getting married I belive I had over 40 people to call. I saved it until the week before we had to let the hall know how many people we were having (so basically 2 weeks before our wedding). I hated making the calls but most people were really cool about it and said that they meant to reply but just forgot. No one was mad that I was bugging them; I just explained we needed to know for the hall.

My cousin just called me yesterday to ask if we were attending her daughter''s christening. Dummy me forgot to call.

I would give your guests until at least next week to reply. Then you can make those calls.

 

[rms]

I can agree with several of pebbles'' points, but the fact that you sent invites out around the holidays is not the reason in my mind...I too was amazed at how many people didn''t RSVP on time for our wedding invitations, and there were definitely no holiday conflicts.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Something to think about- postage just went up today. If you didn''t include additional postage on your reply cards (and why would you, if guests were supposed to send them in before the increase!), then there''s a chance that they could get "lost" in the mail. I wonder if the USPS allows a "grace period" after an increase? Dunno??

 

[moon river]

On an episode of ''Whose Wedding is it Anyway'' the wedding planner approached guests entering the reception that hadn''t RSVP''d and requested that they pay if they planned to stay