Where should the wedding be? Am I Selfish?

[aquarius_ser]

Now that we''ve been engaged for a month, I feel like we should start planning the wedding. I''m dreading this because we have to make the decision of where the wedding should be. He is from Illinois (all his family & friends are there), I am from Ohio and we live in Ohio. I would like to (kind of) have it on the beach in Florida. Decisions need to be made and he wants me to make them all!! Here are the details:

1. We want a small wedding and it would be nice to have it on a beach in Florida BUT...
2. His brothers and sisters all have 3 kids, and not much money. I don''t think they will be able to come to a wedding in Florida.
3. His mom passed and his dad got re-married - Now he is in the middle of a nasty divorce. AGAIN, not much money.
4. We went to visit on July and none of his friends even showed up to see him, they won''t go to Florida. maybe Ohio.
5. I don''t want it in Illinois really.... Am I being selfish?
6. We could have it in Ohio and then his family and friends could drive from Illinois (4-5 hours).
7. BUT, I want a small wedding and if we have it here in Ohio, my entire family will expect to be invited. There are severe problems in my extended family and I refuse to invite certain people that don''t know how to act.

8. BIG QUESTION: Can I pick and choose what family to invite? My mom says it''s either all of them or none of them.

I would love your opinions....

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, aquarius, I wish I could help you- we''re doing our wedding a block from where I grew up, so I''m no help. But as for the florida/Ill. thing, do what YOU want. If your FI will support your decision, and not question it, I say go to Florida. The people who won''t come (like his friends, you say) in Ohio or Illinois won''t go to Florida either. Ask yourself if you really want them there anyway. Also, think about the people who would go anywhere to see you marry, that''s who you should be thinking of. The people you want and NEED to be with you, I think you should consider where everyone will be happiest, but not above your own needs. It''s your wedding, the two of you, and like my planner told me, "You''re going to piss off SOMEONE, just don''t let it be you." Someone will always have something to say about it, don''t bother thinking too much. As for the all or none thing... how would you differentiate WHO to invite and who not? We''re having a slight problem here, too.

 

[aquarius_ser]

I will make this as short as possible..... My mom''s side of the family is a mess. Their mom passed when my mom was 12, there were 7 kids ranging in ages from 6 months to 18 yrs. There is a lot of animosity between them to this day from things that happened in the past.

My uncle would NOT be invited. He came over my parents 2 years ago and completely went off on my mom (I was there). He was in her face spitting and yelling on her, threatening to kill her. My dad was inside recovering from his lung cancer chemo/radiation treatments. I was standing there and I didn''t know what to do. I didn''t have the phone to call 911 and I didn''t want to leave my mom''s side to get the phone or my dad because I was afraid he was going to hit her or do something.

My Aunt & 2 cousins would not be invited. My mom called my aunt a couple years ago to her for a favor. Their dad was in the nursing home dying and my mom needed someone to sit with him for a few hours. My aunt didn''t speak to her own father because some kind of crap she was mad about from 20 yrs ago so she said no and cussed my mom out. My younger cousin apparently then got on the phone and proceeded cussed my mom out and told her to not call back. Since then, I have been invited to both those cousins weddings. I''ve only went because I didn''t want my mom going by herself. My dad was still sick. Even though I was invited/went to their weddings, I could not and would not invite them to mine.

I''m not close to these people and never have been. They don''t give a crap about me. If they did, they would have atleast called when my dad was sick w/lung cancer. I don''t want them at my wedding. I don''t like being fake to people and have to act like I''m happy they are there.

Do I hold a grudge too long? Am I being a chilldish? selfish?

 

[AmberWaves]

Aquarius, I can relate. I also have at least ONE aunt who I am not inviting, one of my dad''s sisters, almost the same reasons as you- old family history and things she blames my Dad and other aunt for- like them moving out and going to college (crazy woman, my aunt) and leaving her at home with my grandparents. So honestly, don''t invite them. Your mom sounds like she''s letting a lot of it go, the past mistreatment. My parents luckily enough are okay with me leaving the aunt out- mainly because my brother won''t come if she does. It is YOUR wedding, and if you will be uncomfortable with them there, I say don''t. Explain this to your mom as tactfully as possible, and your reasons why. I hope she''ll understand. Then again, I can be a grudge holder! Despite that. you hurt my family- and you happen to BE family- it''s inexcusable. Whether they invited you or not, don''t make yourself miserable by inviting them.

 

[codex57]

I''d try for Florida first. You can always host a small reception later for those who couldn''t make it.

And no, I wouldn''t invite your aunt and uncle either. It is your wedding after all. If they''re that horrible, I fail to see why you need to invite them to seem "proper". They weren''t proper so why be proper to them. They don''t have to send a gift if they feel insulted. I mean, there are bad things families do to each other and there are BAD things. I don''t know the whole story, but your uncle''s thing doesn''t sound that bad. But then again, I wasn''t there and don''t know the background. Your aunt and cousin tho, I''d write them off.

 

[flopkins]

you should have the wedding where you want it to be. if you want a small wedding in Florida, and your FI is in agreement, go w/that.

 

[Gypsy]

LOL. I'm sorry. But this sounds similar to my situation. We wanted a destination wedding on Peter Island in the BVI -- and because of reasons similar to yours we decided against it. My family is from CA his NJ. So we decided on getting married in DC where we met. Still a destination but more manageable for our families.

Here are my thoughts. Screw the friends... they don't sound like very good friends. As for the dad and brother's and sister's AND your mother... well, I think Ohio is convenient for you and his family could attend so it's a good choice. As for your mother... unless she is paying she's flat out wrong. I would institute a cut off-- immediate family to the niece/nephew level only. Or to the first cousin level only. Whatever your cut off is, as long as you are even handed and FIRM about it, you'll be fine IMO. If your relatives raise a stink just appologize and blame it on finances. "Oh Ron (third cousin twice removed) we would have loved to have you AND (all second, third cousins) but we just couldn't afford it I'm sorry. We'd love to have you and your family over for dinner one night when we come balc from our honeymoon."

ETA: I just read about your specific relative issues. Hello no you aren't being childish. I'm not inviting MY FATHER. Or anyone on his side of the family. It's your freaking wedding. Invite who you like.

 

[firebirdgold]

How many siblings do you two have? How close are you to them? You might be surprised at their positive response to the Florida idea. And there''s always a chance that they may take the florida wedding as an opportunity for a mini-kid free vacation. Also you can do research and dig up the cheapest flights and hotel deals and include it on your wedding website.

We were having the same which family to invite problem (although not as bad as your issues), and we just said to heck with it! We''re doing what we want and going to Hawaii. Fortunately for us we only have one married sibling each and we''re both very close to our sisters. So we''re scavanging everyones frequent flyer miles, and using the money we''d have needed for a bigger wedding for hotel rooms instead. We''ll also post the video on the web.

Take a deep breath. Do what will make you and your fiance happy. It''s your wedding, and you''re only going to do it once.