Whew girls, I need some help!

[misysu2]

A few years ago, My boyfriend and i were coming across a big committment decision-- moving with him. I asked him for a little space so I could think about this and evaluate our relationship, and he took this as me trying to break up with him. It took us a long time to heal from this and I realized that I love him more than ever.

Two years down the road, he still brings it up every now and then. He said he won''t forgive me until I can do something symbolic and productive that will undo the power differential I created. However, how do you undo a concept of power? I can understand if I Broke something, then you can fix it or replace it. But what does he want me to do?! Does anyone have ANY ideas? I''m pulling my hair out here trying to think of something meaningful.

 

[neatfreak]

It sounds like he is really insecure with the relationship, and honestly, I don''t know if there is a single "act" that you can do to fix that. I think HE is the one that needs to work on being more secure within your relationship. You shouldn''t need to prove it to him by doing something "special".

Do you tell him you appreciate him often enough? And do small caring things for him? Those types of things should tell him you care, but if that was 2 years ago and he isn''t over it...I don''t really know what YOU can do to fix it. Sorry I don''t have better advice.

 

[Aloros]

This is what I would construe as unconstructive criticism. He wants you to do something to make him feel better, and yet he can''t tell you what he wants you to do? I''m as clueless as you are, misysu2.

It''s been two years. Has your relationship been significantly different since then? Maybe he wants some sort of romantic gesture?

 

[Sha]

It sounds like your boyfriend is himself using power over you by threatening not to forgive unless you do something for him. It sounds like he felt hurt and offended that you wanted space and he wants you to do something wonderful for him, to make up for the hurt you caused. (?)

That doesn't sound very mature to me. You needed space to think about things...why is he forcing you to 'pay' for that decision? Because it hurt him? I think his reaction to your decisiion for space is inappropriate.. it's like he wants to punish you for that. There are times in relationships when you need to take a step back and re-evaluate things, and it sounds like that was one of those times. But he's making you feel guilty for it.

I don't think you should feel guilty... or feel that you have to do something to 'cancel out' the hurt that you caused him. This is not a 'tit for tat' game, it's a relationship. Things happen. He needs to accept the fact that you needed space at that time and not look at it as a personal affront. AND he needs to stop making you feel that you 'owe him one'. You shouldn't fall into that trap. I really don't think you need to do anything here.

Is he someone that's very insecure?

 

[luckystar112]

Your boyfriend sounds a little too sensitive.
You guys almost broke up because you had the audacity to think rationaly before making a big decision?!

Power differential? Unless you want to hear about this for the rest of your life, I think you need to tell your boyfriend to GET OVER IT. Any power differential is in his head. I can just see it now. "I can''t marry you until there is balance on this earth. There seems to be a......power......differential.......throwing our mission off kilter. We must charge through or abort the mission!"

 

[misysu2]

Ya know, I do TONS for him and he openly admits that yes, he appreciates all I do. He thinks that "re-evaluating" is breaking up. Kinda like that old Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" debate. He says he doesn''t think I understand how bad that hurt him. Me breaking up with him, sitting him on a backburner, then deciding I''d take him back, etc.

Overall, our relationship is great and very healthy. We are great communicators, and we both give and take well. At the cost of sounding like I''m making excuses for him, please remember that everyone has their hangups. I am confident he loves our relationship and is very happy, and acts so, until about every 3 months he''ll bring this back up. "I tried to break up with him." He was hurt a lot before I came along so I try to be understanding with him and insecurities like this.

I just don''t know what to do to fix this. I mean, when something is broken you can fix it. But this idea of power? What could I do?

 

[misysu2]

I just wrote a lot and the file didn''t post, but I wanted to tell you that I tried to ask him to get over it and explain my reasoning, and he got MAD.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/26/2007 11:39:17 AM
Author: misysu2
I just wrote a lot and the file didn''t post, but I wanted to tell you that I tried to ask him to get over it and explain my reasoning, and he got MAD.

Unfortunately, this is something that HE needs to get over. There isn''t anything you can do. He''s the one that has issues with this and after two years he should be mature enough to realize that relationships have rough patches and sometimes it''s a great idea to take a step back from things.

 

[diamondfan]

I agree that there is not one "thing" you can do. You did move with him so I guess he is either very insecure as to what you feel and what the status is in your relationship, or he is still somewhat angry/hurt about your not having made a quick decision. I do not know his state of mind and it is hard to know what the magic bullet, the one perfect answer to make it all okay. I might suggest counseling because if he is still harboring bad feelings two years later there is really not a lot that can be done to make it okay, how can YOU make HIM feel okay if it is stuff within himself?

 

[luckystar112]

He''s punishing you. He''s trying to make you feel as bad as he did.
The next time he brings it up to you, I would say something like, "I know I hurt you back then. But that was two years ago. Why can''t you see how great our relationship is now? It really hurts me that you feel the need to constantly bring up this isolated incident. If you don''t know that I love you by now, I don''t think there is anything I can do for you. You have to work out in your head if you can really forgive me, because I can''t take you holding this over my shoulders for the rest of my life."

 

[Hest88]

I''ve been on the other side, where your BF is. There was a totally irrational issue I wouldn''t let go of. How we handled it was by my DH asking me what concrete thing he could do to fix it. After some back and forth with me admitting nothing would work--that it was a stupid emotional fixation on my part--we agreed that everytime I tried to bring up the topic he''d stop the conversation, remind me what I was doing, and, if necessary, walk away until I came down off the ledge. Really, it was like picking a scab. What I had to do was just STOP and have him remind me to stop so I could get over it.

Granted, your BF really has to understand that constantly bringing up the issue has a good chance of damaging your relationship in the long run. It becomes like couple who bring up divorce when they have a serious argument---a showstopper that feeds resentment and eats away at the security of your relationship.

 

[rockzilla]

Hmmm. Proposing to him might do the trick