Who is supposed to come to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner? .. and a tip etiquette question.

[MommaChristine]

I didn''t want to post twice so here are my two questions at once ..

Who exactly is supposed to come to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner? None of FI''s immediate family is in the wedding but I''ve been told that they''re supposed to be there .. he has a huge family!

Since I''m already on the rehearsal dinner topic - can I have them pay for their own dinner? I''m pretty blunt and have already said this to the majority of the wedding party - they know we''re paying for everything ourselves and don''t have extra money to spend so they''re ok with it. Is this seriously tacky?! The fact that we just can''t afford it trumps the tacky fact, but I am curious.

Do I need to tip our vendors? I always thought that you were supposed to but was told that since the amount we''re spending is such a big amount (4050 and 2700 for venue and caterer) that don''t tip them. Does this also count for photographer, cake, pastor, florist etc. or is there a percentage that we''re supposed to tip them?

Thanks!

 

[neatfreak]

1. Immediate family I think should be included. Cousins, etc. need not be IMO.

2. Yes it''s tacky. Is there a way you could have a casual picnic or BBQ? Something where you wouldn''t be asking people to pay for their own plate?

3. Yes you tip vendors generally unless they own the company. Amount is up to you as is any tip.

 

[MommaChristine]

Thanks neatfreak. I never knew that ownership played a part in the tips - all of my vendors except the venue own the business for the services they're providing - I WANT to tip them good but thinking about it now that you've said that I realize that the profit is also theirs to keep.

FI has 5 brothers and sister all of which are married with kids .. a BBQ would be fine if it was just his parents but it's going to be rough with his entire family. I guess I kind of figured that since they're the friends and family closest to use that it might be less tacky since they know us so well.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:27:35 PM
Author: MommaChristine
Thanks neatfreak. I never knew that ownership played a part in the tips - all of my vendors except the venue own the business for the services they''re providing - I WANT to tip them good but thinking about it now that you''ve said that I realize that the profit is also theirs to keep.


FI has 5 brothers and sister all of which are married with kids .. a BBQ would be fine if it was just his parents but it''s going to be rough with his entire family.

Do they all live nearby? Could you do a potluck type thing at a park? I think that''s a lot less tacky than inviting them all out to dinner with you and asking them to pay KWIM?

A BBQ can be done on very little money if you keep it simple...

 

[swingirl]

What?? Pay for their own dinner??? If you can't afford the costs associated with a wedding and having attendants (tips, dinner, etc.), you shouldn't be having an expensive event. Can you down scale things to fit your budget? Or do a pot luck? Or invite less people?

By the way, the groom's family usually provides the rehearsal dinner.

 

[MommaChristine]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:37:13 PM
Author: swingirl
What?? Pay for their own dinner??? If you can''t afford the costs associated with a wedding and having attendants (tips, dinner, etc.), you shouldn''t be having an expensive event.

I don''t think that''s fair. We''re having a laid back rehearsal that I could afford if it wasn''t for all of the family on FI''s side. There are 40+ people not including out of towners who are technically supposed to be invited to the dinner. I simply can''t swing that because we''ve paid for the entire wedding on our own. I appreciate your honesty but that''s a bit harsh in my opinion.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:48:10 PM
Author: MommaChristine

Date: 5/30/2009 9:37:13 PM

Author: swingirl

What?? Pay for their own dinner??? If you can''t afford the costs associated with a wedding and having attendants (tips, dinner, etc.), you shouldn''t be having an expensive event.

I don''t think that''s fair. We''re having a laid back rehearsal that I could afford if it wasn''t for all of the family on FI''s side. There are 40+ people not including out of towners who are technically supposed to be invited to the dinner. I simply can''t swing that because we''ve paid for the entire wedding on our own. I appreciate your honesty but that''s a bit harsh in my opinion.

Ok pay for their own dinner, no. But I can understand how you''re feeling at least to some degree. That is a lot of people and yes, the groom''s family is supposed to pay for it..but they''re not. I second the potluck idea if at all possible..

 

[MommaChristine]

Thank you for adding to that. I could invite less people but would that not also be considered tacky to not invite all of our immediate family? Perhaps our parents only? I''m not familiar with pot luck dinners but it''s something that I''m going to look in to as an option. As for FI''s parents .. they refuse to pay for any of our wedding. They didn''t have a big wedding so in their opinion we (or their other children) should either.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:48:10 PM
Author: MommaChristine

Date: 5/30/2009 9:37:13 PM

Author: swingirl

What?? Pay for their own dinner??? If you can''t afford the costs associated with a wedding and having attendants (tips, dinner, etc.), you shouldn''t be having an expensive event.

I don''t think that''s fair. We''re having a laid back rehearsal that I could afford if it wasn''t for all of the family on FI''s side. There are 40+ people not including out of towners who are technically supposed to be invited to the dinner. I simply can''t swing that because we''ve paid for the entire wedding on our own. I appreciate your honesty but that''s a bit harsh in my opinion.

How are there 40+ immediate family members? I really think you only need to invite the bridal party and your CLOSE family (like mom and dad, siblings, and grandparents).

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:52:32 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 5/30/2009 9:48:10 PM

Author: MommaChristine

Date: 5/30/2009 9:37:13 PM


Author: swingirl


What?? Pay for their own dinner??? If you can''t afford the costs associated with a wedding and having attendants (tips, dinner, etc.), you shouldn''t be having an expensive event.

I don''t think that''s fair. We''re having a laid back rehearsal that I could afford if it wasn''t for all of the family on FI''s side. There are 40+ people not including out of towners who are technically supposed to be invited to the dinner. I simply can''t swing that because we''ve paid for the entire wedding on our own. I appreciate your honesty but that''s a bit harsh in my opinion.

How are there 40+ immediate family members? I really think you only need to invite the bridal party and your CLOSE family (like mom and dad, siblings, and grandparents).

This is a good idea as well..if future family is insisting you invite more than core family, then tell them they can pay for that part of it. Easier said than done I know..but it sounds like they are throwing in some cousins, etc.

 

[MommaChristine]

40+ includes our son, my parents and my sister .. and his parents, 5 brothers and sisters, their spouses and children. Plus 1 for our pastor and 2 for our musicians. I'm telling you .. he has a HUGE family!

ETA - that also includes my dad's parents and his dad's parents .. so 2 sets of grandparents and our wedding party - 4 on my side and 5 on his.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:54:52 PM
Author: MommaChristine
40+ includes our son, my parents and my sister .. and his parents, 5 brothers and sisters, their spouses and children. Plus 1 for our pastor and 2 for our musicians. I''m telling you .. he has a HUGE family!


ETA - that also includes my dad''s parents and his dad''s parents .. so 2 sets of grandparents.

Can you forgo the rehearsal dinner then? And after the rehearsal time it so you can invite people back to your place for snacks and drinks only or something?

I understand that money is an issue here...but it is really rude to ask them to pay for their own meals.

You could also just invite parents and bridal party and stop at that. Is that a possibility?

 

[MommaChristine]

I could do that. I just looked at our contract and rehearsal is actually at noon .. so maybe we could BBQ on the beach for an early dinner since we''re already right there at the oceanfront? Hm. Would it be rude to not invite siblings?

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Maybe you could find out who really wants to come. Only have those there that really want to be there.

Sometimes people get invited out of obligation and then attend out of obligation. That is a waste of time and money on both fronts.

How about making it optional for those you think you need to invite but let them know that if they prefer to not attend that it is no big deal?

ETA I always thought that the rehearsal dinner was only for people that were in the wedding and at the rehearsal.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/30/2009 10:01:45 PM
Author: MommaChristine
I could do that. I just looked at our contract and rehearsal is actually at noon .. so maybe we could BBQ on the beach for an early dinner since we''re already right there at the oceanfront? Hm. Would it be rude to not invite siblings?

Not if they aren''t in the wedding party IMO.

If you do a BBQ you could ask the local people to bring a dish-that''s an easy way to cut costs without offending people.

 

[NovemberBride]

Date: 5/30/2009 9:27:35 PM
Author: MommaChristine
Thanks neatfreak. I never knew that ownership played a part in the tips - all of my vendors except the venue own the business for the services they''re providing - I WANT to tip them good but thinking about it now that you''ve said that I realize that the profit is also theirs to keep.

FI has 5 brothers and sister all of which are married with kids .. a BBQ would be fine if it was just his parents but it''s going to be rough with his entire family. I guess I kind of figured that since they''re the friends and family closest to use that it might be less tacky since they know us so well.

I just wanted to respond to the part about tipping. I think what Neatfreak meant is that is it not as customary to tip if the person providing the service directly to you owns the business. For instance, in most instances there will be servers at the wedding provided by the venue or caterer. You are tipping them, not the person who owns the business. Many of those people rely on tips (standard 15-20%) as part of their salary and in my opinion you have to factor that cost in when deciding whether you can afford a particular vendor. However, sometimes a gratuity or tip is included, I know a 20% gratuity was included in the bill for by venue, so we did not ti on top of that.

Also, price has nothing to do with whether you tip or not - would you not tip in an expensive restaurant because the meal was more expensive?

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 5/30/2009 10:11:10 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 5/30/2009 10:01:45 PM

Author: MommaChristine

I could do that. I just looked at our contract and rehearsal is actually at noon .. so maybe we could BBQ on the beach for an early dinner since we''re already right there at the oceanfront? Hm. Would it be rude to not invite siblings?

Not if they aren''t in the wedding party IMO.


If you do a BBQ you could ask the local people to bring a dish-that''s an easy way to cut costs without offending people.

In the weddings I''ve been a part of, sibs have been invited to the rehearsal dinners whether or not they''re in the wedding party. I always look at the rehearsal dinner as an opportunity for everybody to relax a bit before the big day, and for couple''s close familiy and closest friends (i.e. the ones in the wedding) to meet each other if they haven''t already.

But... the rehearsal dinner doesn''t have to be formal. One of the most memorable RD''s I went to was an informal get-together at the groom''s house, with picnic style food and a yummy cake. Memory-wise, the more formal sit-down dinners at restaurants haven''t had the same staying power.

 

[Elmorton]

If your rehearsal is at noon, why don''t you do a rehearsal lunch instead of rehearsal dinner? You can get a sandwich platter for 40 for less than $100 at somewhere like Subway (or even better, a local place), get some 2 liters of soda, and a few bags of chips. If someone is local, you could ask them to whip up some coleslaw or macaroni salad, and you could make a couple dozen cookies. It''s cheap, but it''s food - and I''m thinking you could throw everything together for $200 -50. Make it a "picnic on the beach." I think that would be nice.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 5/30/2009 11:42:18 PM
Author: Elmorton
If your rehearsal is at noon, why don''t you do a rehearsal lunch instead of rehearsal dinner? You can get a sandwich platter for 40 for less than $100 at somewhere like Subway (or even better, a local place), get some 2 liters of soda, and a few bags of chips. If someone is local, you could ask them to whip up some coleslaw or macaroni salad, and you could make a couple dozen cookies. It''s cheap, but it''s food - and I''m thinking you could throw everything together for $200 -50. Make it a ''picnic on the beach.'' I think that would be nice.

Ditto!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I think there are some great suggestions here..just wanted to reassure you that it''s going to go great, be beautiful, and everyone will have a great time!

 

[CaliCushion]

You have gotten some great ideas here. I think a picnic on the beach is a nice idea, and can be done cheaply. In terms of who to invite to the rehearsal lunch....I feel that you are only obligated to invite members of the wedding party and parents/grandparents. You can invite as many people as you want, but keep in mind costs go up when more people are invited. I do not think that it is ok to ask people to pay to go to your rehearsal lunch. Think about it. They have taken time out of thier lives and spent money to be in your wedding. You do not have to have a fancy rehearsal lunch at all, but your wedding party should not have to pay.

 

[cara]

Date: 5/30/2009 10:01:45 PM
Author: MommaChristine
I could do that. I just looked at our contract and rehearsal is actually at noon .. so maybe we could BBQ on the beach for an early dinner since we''re already right there at the oceanfront? Hm. Would it be rude to not invite siblings?

Much better to have a casual affair that you can afford. Lunch, BBQ on the beach, cocktails-only rehearsal event all better than making people pay on the spot.

Typically siblings are invited to the RD. Sorry. Some siblings might not mind being excluded but... probably a risky course of action.

 

[mayachel]

I completely agree that if these family members are not the mom&dad or grandparents OR in the wedding it would be easiest to not include them. If his parents throw a stink about it, let them know graciously that they would love to have them all attend, however the costs for hosting two events in such a short period of time are beyond your means. If they would like to pay for the additional family members you would welcome their support, but have no expectation that they should do so.

 

[Allison D.]

I have to say that I''m a big fan of the BBQ idea. Not only will it be a cost savings for you, but it''s likely much more family-friendly than going out to a restaurant.

Hub and I chose to do an informal BBQ rehearsal dinner at our friends'' house the day before the wedding. We weren''t concerned with cutting costs; we were more focused on doing something that suited our informal, laid-back personalities and would be enjoyable for our guests, too. In New England, July weekends are premium weekends for outdoor parties, so having the BBQ meant they wouldn''t have to miss out on that.

Since our wedding was so small (29 people), we just invited everyone to the rehearsal BBQ too. Everyone stayed for HOURS; we started at 4pm and broke up somewhere around 11. It was just an incredibly personal and intimate way to spend time with everyone we cared about, and it really led to a relaxed wedding day the following day.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I do think that asking someone to pay for their meal when they are there to help you is pretty tacky.

I think you should consider other options.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 5/30/2009 10:01:45 PM
Author: MommaChristine
I could do that. I just looked at our contract and rehearsal is actually at noon .. so maybe we could BBQ on the beach for an early dinner since we''re already right there at the oceanfront?

Since it''s at noon it doesn''t have to be a ''big formal dinner''. Somethng more laid back will be fine. Personally, I dont'' think you ''have'' to do this or ''have'' to do that for your wedding. In the UK where I live, it''s not expected that a rehearsal dinner has to take place especially as the bride and groom are already paying for the big day.

BTW, I''ve only been to 1 wedding in the US, everyone paid for their rehearsal dinner meals - it was no big deal and we had a great time.

All the best

 

[Haven]

Here''s another vote for a less expensive meal after the rehearsal that you can afford.

 

[KimberlyH]

Yet another vote for doing what you can afford. A beach party sounds like the way to go, and family friendly. Or if you''re totally opposed to that, invite siblings but not children who aren''t in the wedding to help cut costs. If I were one of your attendants and you told me I had to pay for my meal at the rehearsal dinner I would probably opt not to go, or go begrudgingly and be offended.