Who pays for the wedding rings?

[Spongy]

Hi everybody

I''m new here and it''s so nice to see all the lovely blings out there! I wished I was engaged but perhaps it''s not the right time yet. I hope you won''t mind me asking you what you think of this( hopefully, it''s not a too sensitive topic? if it''is I do apologise )

My boyfriend and I of 3 years have started talkking about marriage and a couple of things came up which I was surprised and I just need to ask your opinion.

1. He thinks I''m being too fussy over my engagement rings and says that I should just accept which ever ring he chooses for me. I have to admit that I love jewellery and what I wear on my finger is important to me as I am fussy over my jewellery
. We''ve gotten into a few arguments as he feels I''m being too demanding especially since I do surf the internet looking at nice engagement rings and I make comments on what rings I like from time to time.
Am I being too selfish by saying that I want to choose my own engagement ring?

2. He thinks that since he will be buying the engagement ring, I should buy the wedding rings? I always thought that the ring was sort of a gift to the girl?

3. Do any of you ever feel ''let down''when you know your fiancee could afford to buy a better ring, but just chose the cheapest? My boyfriend always says that he is not willing to spend on the engagement ring.

Obviously, we''re thinking about our finances and it is a sensitive topic for us and I just wanted to know if anyone had the same problem when they initially discussed about marriage, finances? I do feel a little sad, but perhaps I''m overreacting?
Any advice Pericopers?
Thanks

 

[DonaBella]

I don't know how much this will help or not...but maybe you could approach things this way. If the two of you can just talk about things without getting heated, show him examples here on Pricescope in the Show Me The Ring forum of what you like. Be willing to show him two or three examples of what you'd be happy with and then leave it at that.

This suggestion would give you a chance to physically point out styles you like without demanding a particular one, leaving it to him to select something that also gives him the freedom to make a decision he is happy with.

Most young couples when they get engaged do not have alot of $ to put into a fancy, expensive setting. The ring is important, believe me, I know, but what it represents is more important than how much he spends on it or if it exactly the one you have always dreamed of.

However, if your BF is not willing to do this with you, than maybe your problems are not the ring, but rather, something else. usually when a couple is even thinking of getting married, both parties want to talk and work through things and be on the same page. Maybe he's not there yet...just a thought.

Oh, and usually the guy buys the engagement ring and your wedding band/ring. You buy his wedding band/ring. Keep in mind that each couple now days can work this out to whatever works for them as well...

 

[laurel_aurelia]

hi spongy,

my FI and i bought EACHOTHER''S wedding rings. well, anyway, that was the THOUGHT; we actually ended up buying them out of our joint savings. but we consider it rings that we bought for EACHOTHER. i bought it for him and vice versa. it''s sweet that way. (though -- you DO have the better end of the stick normally.. unless you both go for plain bands, chances are yours will be more lol)..

as far as the engagement ring is concerned, i''m not sure what to tell you.. excpet that anything you get can be "updated" later! if you love the setting, but hate the diamond, it could be an "anniversary" present at some ponit to change it out. same with the setting!

what''s weird is -- growing up i never thought about ring size. when i got my engagement ring (rather, when FI and i started talkign about size) he threw me off. he wanted to get me a 2 ct. (he knew the price ranges.)

i thought it looked fake on my finger. my ring is a 1.5 center stone. i love it.

what are your expectations for a ring?

 

[rainbowtrout]

I'm buying the wedding rings and giving a few hundred towards the setting. makes me feel like I contributed (yeah right compared to how much he put in, but still)

btw, I wouldn't make a fuss about buying the wedding band but I would insist on being allowed to have some input and (as I did with FI) tell him he needs to get over feeling whatever sort of irritation he has at me giving him my prefs. He got to pick how I gave them to him (letter, verbally, whatever), but he got them, darnit.

 

[laurel_aurelia]

good for you, rainbow trout!

 

[Spongy]

Hi everyone
Thanks for replying so promptly!

In respond to all of you and queries, ( hopefully,I don''t leave any out)

I guess sometimes it''s me who is pressing for an engagement as I feel we''ve been dating long enough. It will be 4 years this Nov 06. He agreed to get engaged within 1 year from when he starts work.
He''ll be starting his job soon in a bank while I have been working for nearly 2 years now. He did his masters while I went straight to work after graduating. We met at university.
I do show him some pics of nice rings but he doesn''t seem very interested. He says I put too much pressure on him and he says the only reason why I want the a certain ring, is because other people have it. For eg, when I show him the pictures posted on periscope, that''s what he says, which sometimes hurt me.

Do you think I''m asking too much, if I expect a one month salary for my ring? I''ve already agreed to buy our wedding rings and I don''t mind doing that, it''s just that sometimes, it hurts me to think that he couldn''t care less what engagement ring he will get me.

I do love him very much but sometimes, I have a sneaky feeling that maybe perhpas he doesn''t love me as much as I love him? I think I''m just paranoid now......

 

[ilovesparkles]

We are not anywhere near buying things but I know a few PSers have bought them together. Some guys feel the need to purchase them as their duty and others are not as old fashioned. In my relationship we have tried to split htings in terms of cost. And I imagine we will start a savings account together and save together and purchase our rings with that money. This is what a good friend of mine did.

As far as choosing the setting you have everything from the far left to the far right. Some women pick everything, some women even refuse to be involved. What I have seen as most common is the girl either picks out the setting or give him three choices to choose from. After the ring is purchased he has it and it is up to him to propose and when she gets it. Hope I shed a little ounce of light on things for you.

 

[DonaBella]

Well, take it easy on yourself...and him. Just enjoy each other and don''t talk rings or engagement for awhile and see what happens. Don''t forget to love every minute with him...

If its supposed to, the rest will happen...

Don''t stress out about it too much...be happy, I know this sounds easier than it really is, but try...ok?

 

[Rhapsody]

Men can be weird about purchasing expensive items that they consider unnessesary. I''m sorry that your BF doesn''t care that the ring is important to YOU, whether or not he sees it as important. My BFs attitude was always that it''s his money and he''ll spend it the way he wants to but when push comes to shove he''s always very generous when buying me gifts.

When my boyfriend and I started shopping he told me his budget and said if I really wanted something outside of that I could put my own money in (but he made it clear he didn''t really like the idea of me contributing). He also gave me the option of picking the ring myself or just giving him guidelines and having it be a surprise if I prefered. We were quite democratic about it. I don''t think its selfish to want to choose, more and more women do choose their own rings.

We''re buying each others wedding rings as well, and I think thats the traditional way. It seems a bit rude to insist you buy the wedding rings since he buys an engagement ring.

I don''t really have any helpful advice for you. I think I would try and compromise between his budget and your ideal ring, but it might be hard if he doesn''t want your input. I guess theres always upgrades and anniversary rings in the future!

Good luck!

 

[SoonIHope]

I'm buying both of our wedding rings. Doesn't remotely approach how much he spent on my engagement ring, so it seemed like a nice thing for me to offer. My fiance had assumed he'd have to buy my wedding ring too, but I told him I'd get it and he really appreciated the offer!

As for your engagement ring...I think the crux of the issue is whether he's being prudent and reasonable with regard to your financial situation, or whether he's being "cheap" and intentionally getting you less than you want/he could afford because he doesn't think it's "worth" it. If you check out this old thread you'll see a ton of discussion on what PSers think the difference is between someone not wanting to spend beyond their means and someone intentionally choosing to get the cheapest thing they can, regardless of their girlfriend's hopes/wishes/expectations. Ultimately, YOU are the one who's going to be wearing the ring, and if he cares about you as much as he should if he's about to propose to you, then he should take YOUR wishes into consideration!!!! It is NOT selfish to have certain tastes and care about an engagement ring, so as long as you are being sensitive to a realistic budget (which it sounds to me like you are). But at the same time, you need to make sure that he realizes all this ring-obsession (I say that affectionately--we all have it!

) does NOT mean that the ring is more important to you than spending the rest of your life with him! A lot of guys (FOOLISHLY!) seem to think that if a girl cares about her ring it means she DOESN'T care about the relationship itself! Whereas we just figure we already have the perfect guy...why not the perfect ring too!

In any case, good luck and keep us updated!!! And welcome to PS!

 

[bobacha]

hi Spongy..
last year my bf also said that I should just take whatever he bought me..and his budget was like $2k.. he had no clue how much diamond costs.... but in January after our first trip to jewellers ..I tried on a 1.0ct , he finally got some idea and got interested to learn more about the 4Cs etc.... so I bought him a book about diamond education since he's not the kind who likes to spend time in online boards .. so far he's only read a little of that book but his budget has doubled to around $5k .. I'm pretty sure I will be satisfied with what $5 could get.. but I told him i don't mind paying for the setting and he could use all $5k towards the diamond .. but he said no, he would want to pay for the e-ring fully.. .. I've read that some LIW here also chip in for the setting, and I personally don't see any problem with doing that..

have you both shop and look for rings together ? maybe he's just like my bf before. clueless... a trip to a local jeweller might spark some interest in him to pay more attention to what you want and how important this is for you..


ok now i have to to get back to work.. i've spent too much time on PS while at work today

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/27/2006 2:54:02 PM
Author: Spongy
Hi everyone
Thanks for replying so promptly!

In respond to all of you and queries, ( hopefully,I don''t leave any out)

I guess sometimes it''s me who is pressing for an engagement as I feel we''ve been dating long enough. It will be 4 years this Nov 06. He agreed to get engaged within 1 year from when he starts work.
He''ll be starting his job soon in a bank while I have been working for nearly 2 years now. He did his masters while I went straight to work after graduating. We met at university.
I do show him some pics of nice rings but he doesn''t seem very interested. He says I put too much pressure on him and he says the only reason why I want the a certain ring, is because other people have it. For eg, when I show him the pictures posted on periscope, that''s what he says, which sometimes hurt me.

Do you think I''m asking too much, if I expect a one month salary for my ring? I''ve already agreed to buy our wedding rings and I don''t mind doing that, it''s just that sometimes, it hurts me to think that he couldn''t care less what engagement ring he will get me.

I do love him very much but sometimes, I have a sneaky feeling that maybe perhpas he doesn''t love me as much as I love him? I think I''m just paranoid now......

First, don''t pressure him. He agreed to propose within one year of working and that''s great! Congratulations! Now that you''ve agreed on that however, you should give him some breathing room. He''s not working yet, so right now I''ll assume he doesn''t have the money for a ring that isn''t the "cheapest".

You might not be asked too much with 1 month salary for your engagement ring, but I think it''s not something you should expect. You should expect him to spend what he''s ready to spend. Right now he might not understand why you want a nice ring. Maybe if you explain to him why the symbol of it is important for you, and that you will want to wear something you love for the rest of your life, he''ll understand a bit better. Both of you will have to be flexible on this, and consider each other''s feeling and opinions.

For the wedding rings issue, my boyfriend and I will be buying each other''s rings. He wanted to buy both of them, but I feel that we are getting married to each other, so we should buy each other our rings. But that''s just us, and I''ve heard of a girl here who was buying both the wedding rings.

Lastly, the size and cost of your ring will not determine how much he loves you. Keep that in mind.

Welcome to Pricescope and good luck!

 

[sunkist]

Date: 4/27/2006 2:54:02 PM
Author: Spongy

I do love him very much but sometimes, I have a sneaky feeling that maybe perhpas he doesn''t love me as much as I love him? I think I''m just paranoid now......

This is my personal opinion, but if you are having these thoughts, it doesn''t sound like this relationship is ready to be taken to marriage!

I think it would be wise to wait a year and make sure that your love is solid for eachother and that your lives are ready to devote to eachother selflessly.

 

[Spongy]

Hi

albicocca: thanks for the link, but it doesn''t seem to be working?

ilovesparkles,DeannaBana,Rhapsody,anchor31,bobacha: thank you for your reply

I think I have been having too high expectations and I will try to take things easy for abit and not think too much about my future engagement ring.
It''s just something that I''ve been looking forward to, being once in a life time experience. And it doesn''t help to see your friends and colleagues getting engaged right , left and centre.

Having said that, I really really do appreciate all your input, especially on this sensitive issue. a BIG thank you

Bobocha, perhaps your method of educating your man may work for me. I''ll have to give it a go when the time comes

We haven''t really done any ring shopping yet but I''ll keep you guys posted if we do.

Looking at things, it won''t be any time soon. I''ll have to keep myself occupied with work for the meanwhile!

 

[Spongy]

Hi Sunkist

Your message must have only arrived when I was busy typing a reply.
I think I will have to wait and see as you''ve said..Like what Deanna said, if it''s meant to be, it will happen....
I need to be patient..

 

[SoonIHope]

Whoooops, sorry!

I fixed the link now!

 

[Julian]

I wanted to buy his wedding ring since I wanted it to be from me. He bought my wedding ring and engagement ring.

In Asian culture, the groom also has to buy the bride a diamond necklace, earrings, bracelet and a nice watch. (His family does or he does, actually!) They also have to buy their wives really nice jewelry every time they give birth. Is that also the case in US culture?

But then again, that's going away because dowries are SO 18th century, right?

 

[ilovesparkles]

I forogt to add this funny little story my mom told me. When my dad proposed he had nothing. So he asked her to marry him and she said yes and then he was like "well I suppose you want a ring now huh?" Well obviously lol. But he had nothing so she picked it out and paid for it. $700 back then. So it just works differently for everyone. I am praying my BF will let me help him pay for it because he hates money issues and he knows nothing about diamonds nor cares to learn. But I have a feeling he might be stubborn and feel he has to pay for this himself. Oh well just have to wait and see. Spongy if it helps, know that not all of us on here are getting engaged or even ring shopping just yet either. I know full well that I am a LILTW (lady in long term waiting) and won''t be getting a ring for at least a year and a half. Hang in there girl!