Who pays?

[Hunali]

If parents are paying for the wedding, how does it usually work? If the bride''s parents pay for the whole reception, does the groom''s family typically contribute in any way? For example, is the groom''s side supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner or the flowers or band? Is there a certain custom to all this?

My fiance and I don''t have any money at all b/c we''re both students and in a TON of debt from our schools. My parents are traditional have been more than generous to offer to pay for the wedding. But I feel SOOOO incredibly guilty about that. I will not ask his family to contribute and neither will my parents, but I was just wondering if the groom''s side is "supposed" to pay for anything at all. BTW, I understand that this is all up to individuals and all weddings are different, I am just looking at what is generally done if the bride and groom don''t pay and the parents do.

Thanks in advance!!

 

[flopkins]

Usu the groom''s family pays for the rehearsal dinner and sometimes the honeymoon. WEstern culture usu the bride''s fam pays for pretty much everything!!

 

[jcrow]

this is from the knot.com:

"In days of yore (okay, as recently as the 1980s), the rules about who pays for what were much more strict. The bride''s family footed the bill for the invitations, announcements, wedding consultant, gown and accoutrements, reception (including site, food, flowers, photographs, videographer, and music), and transportation for the wedding party. The groom''s family paid for the marriage license, officiant, bride''s bouquet, boutonnieres, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon. Today, the division of financial duties is far more fluid. Maybe one side feels strongly about the flowers, while the other side feels strongly about the band -- so go ahead and split it up that way. See what''s on your agenda, then find ways to make it even. Feel free to come up with a game plan that works for you!"

 

[Hunali]

Thanks! I am struggling with this b/c I feel so bad that my parents are footing the whole bill so far, and I don''t know whether or not his family will offer to pay for anything. Even if they just offered to pay for the honeymoon and the rehearsal dinner that would help tremendously. But unforunately I don''t know if that''ll happen, and I refuse to ask or even bring up that issue to my fiance. I feel that his family can offer if they want, and if they don''t, then, well, that would suck.

 

[Layne]

My inlaws didn''t pay for anything- my family offered and wanted to, plus had the funds. His parents didn''t- I had the big wedding my parents wanted. Why not bring it up with FI and he can talk to his parents or at least give you a feel for what they are thinking. The first of many financial discussions.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My future inlaws are only paying for the rehearsal dinner. Of course that is all they offered.

 

[larussel03]

My parents wil prob pay 50-75% and then bf and I will pay the rest. If his parents offered to pay for something that''d be great, but I know that my parents wont mind if they do not. They''d like to have the offer extended though, I''m sure.

 

[lovelylulu]

this is such an interesting question and i have to use this thread to vent

I just got engaged over the weekend and my parents have never met my *financee''s* mom (his dad dies when he was little) so my dad suggested that sometime between the craziness of the upcoming holidays that we all meet in the easiest place for a celebration dinner. Also, my younger brother recently got engaged to his girlfriend, so everyone would be invited to mix and mingle and just enjoy this happy time. my man''s mom is without a doubt a pain in the a**. she really doesn''t know how to interact with people very well, actually not at all. this has led to her leading a somewhat hermit-like exsistence which only compounds her problems of getting on well with others. so, although she has a bundle of money, like others who posted before, my family wait until she offers, if at all, about the cost of the wedding. looks like she won''t be offering -- because when my man told her about the celebration dinner her ONLY response was something along the lines of "she would not be stiffed with the bill, especially not to pay for my little brother and his financee"

WHAT!!!!????!!!!???!!!??!

i''m so insulted and mad and just overall upset by her absurd comments.

the point of this dinner is to get to know each other, to be happy, to celebrate, not to stick someone with a bill. plus, my family would NEVER do that. If my dad ever knew....i have about 20 people come to my graduation in may and he footed the bill for everyone...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this is also the same woman who laughed right in my face after i answered the question she asked "do you believe in heaven?" though i thought it was a strange question, i said "i''d like too" how rude and condecending.

what do you do with people like this!!!!!


wow venting is cathartic

 

[icekid]

I have no idea what will happen for us yet. My dad is in the process of buying a business, plus putting three kids after me through college so I''m not sure what their money situation will be when we get married. My FI''s parents paid for the majority of his sister''s wedding, so he said he is going to ask them if they are going to help with ours. Personally, I would rather wait for them to offer but since he is comfortable asking, then I guess it''s fine. Anything not covered by parents (could be none to all!) will be covered by my FI and me.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

My in-laws didn''t want to contribute anything. They told us they would pay for my bouquet- and never did. My parents footed the entire bill- except for the rehersal dinner- they paid for that but not the booze. They told us it was a rehersal, not a party, needless to say- I didn''t have the greatest people to work with in regard to the division of funds. Thank goodness for my parents, they are great!!

Traditionally, I think that it has a lot to do with where you are from as well. I was rasied up north and have always heard that his parents pay for the honeymoon, the rehersal dinner and the grooms attendents and their gifts.

When I moved to Houston, things were different ( more than wedding etiqute as well... heheheh! ) The grooms family is responsible for the flowers, the honeymoon, the attendents accomedations, as well as the rehersal dinner and the booze and the photographer. I think it really works out to what both parties can come to a mutual agreement on. A lot of the time it is just split down the middle. I think that if the grooms side pays for more than the basic things, they are supposed to be on the invites- heads up.

Hope that helps!!

 

[monarch64]

This is such a great topic, and one that involves so many emotions and feelings of what is the right thing to do. I actually bought a Modern Bride''s Guide to Wedding Etiquette when i got married two years ago...I passed it on to another bride since then but it was very helpful with these kinds of questions. it''s about the same size as the magazine with a bright pink cover...I got it at a Barnes and Nobles I think. Anyway, it pretty much said the same things everyone else has said about who pays for what, but unless your parents and his parents both have that list and know what they''re "traditionally" expected to pay for, how will they know? My MIL was a total bitch about certain things because she thought she had a right to speak up about them but she didn''t because they didn''t pay for anything! She got mad at my parents because they wouldn''t spring for passed h''ors duevres or some stupid cheese and cracker trays and then she offered them a measly $200. My parents had a set amount of what they could spend and that was it...it really upset them that she didn''t think they had done a good enough job of providing the venue, the food, the alcohol (against their beliefs), and they also had to come all the way to Chicago because I didn''t get married in my hometown where they live. It was a very negative experience, because of one person''s need to impress other people.

The best advice I could give on this subject is, if possible, have a little get together with your fiance, his parents and your parents, to discuss how you are all going to split up the cost of the wedding. Look for articles or something you can print out on wedding etiquette and who pays for what, then have those ready so people can see in print what is traditionally expected of them. If this situation doesn''t sound like it will work for you, don''t get too upset, everything has a way of working itself out.

 

[Hunali]

Thanks for all the helpful responses!

My family is planning on meeting his very soon, and I''m sure the wedding will come up. But......for some reason I highly doubt the cost of the wedding and who pays for what will. Needless to say, I will be disappointed if nothing at all is offered b/c I just feel awful for my parents. They want to pay not just for a wedding, but for a nice wedding. My mom keeps telling my dad (who is more on the practical side) that they only have one daughter and this is a wedding and a once in a lifetime event. This makes me grateful, but at the same time, I don''t want my parents to pay for SOOOOO much. i would be ecstatic if his father just offered to pay for the band or something small like that. That small gesture would show just how much he wants to help and that would certainly take off some burden from my parents.

I come from a Russian backgound and it''s a custom to give a large chunk of money as a wedding gift. Nobody gives actual presents. Basically people only register for a shower. Perhaps I''ll use some of the money we receive to pay my parents for a portion of the cost. Unfortunately, I don''t think that''ll go over so well b/c my parents refuse to accept our money.

 

[larussel03]

Another thing I'd like to add...I think the whole notion of the parents having to pay for the wedding is a little odd. Not bad, looking down on it odd, though, just something that I really wasnt expecting from them. It's great and a tradition and everything especially if they can afford it but to me it's odd for them to pay for your celebration. I mean, I'm certainly not made of money, but I was raised to be very independant, and my parents didn't beleive in paying for my college either, even though they could have if they had wanted to. And that doesn't bother me at all, I see it as smart b/c they have their own business and would like to retire at some point I'm sure. So when I was talking to them about having a wedding in 2 or 3 years, depending on when bf and I had saved enough money, and my mom said "what are you talking about, we're going to pay at least 75%" I was suprised. I mean, if they want to help that's wonderful and I'd soooooooooooo welcome it and be eternally greatful (I mean, they've already helped with the ring sitch and have always given me everything I wanted), but I didnt feel that they were obligated to. Of course without their help, the reality is that we woudlnt be having a wedding for 3 or 4 years most likely...