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Who to invite when the parents are paying

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CaliCushion

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I need your help, brides! For those of you whose parents paid (or are going to pay) for the entire wedding -- how many guests did you and your family invite and how many guests did your husband (or fiance) and his family invite? Did you split the invitations equally between the two families, did your side get more invites, did his? My fiance has a large family and I can forsee problems because he''s going to have more people to invite. I''d love to hear what you did!
 
You really need to be "roughly equivalent" in who you invite from each side. Meaning, if you invite aunts and uncles on one side, you need to invite the other side. If you invite cousins on one side, you need to invite cousins on the other side. If you manage to determine a rule that you think you can get away with (such as "only cousins that one of us has seen or talked to in the last 5 years" or "only cousins that we count as close personal friends") then that too needs to be evenly applied. Its really unfair to say, well, bride''s side is paying, and since the entire extended family numbers 7, that is how many invites groom''s side gets. No cousins, no aunts and uncles, and pick which grandparent to eliminate.

On parents'' friends and whatnot, it would be more OK to just impose a number limit, but be sure to listen to reason if one set makes an argument (ie. we always see these 4 couples of friends together and it would be difficult to pick only 2 of them) that makes sense.

Hopefully, you and your FI have already made lists of who you want to invite (including your families and your parents'' friends) and used these estimates in budgeting.

But if you haven''t been budgeting, leaving that to the funding parents, I hope you only accepted their funding with the idea that they would be considerate hosts. Thus you should discuss the family size discrepancy with them.
 
Cara,

This is much harder than it seems. I have never envisioned a super big wedding, and I don''t really like being the center of attention. I only have about 15 family members to invite, but my parents have many close family friends. Including my friends, my parents and I can condense our list to about 55-60. We are not inviting anyone we aren''t really close with, no dates unless they are in a serious relationship and no children.

My fiance has 23 first cousins! I have met a couple of his aunts and uncles, but I''ve never met any of his cousins. He is close with a few aunts and uncles and cousins, but only sees the rest at family functions, once a year if even that often. His mom said that their invite list was 100.

My parents want to pay for my wedding without strings. However, they want it to be a nice wedding and aren''t really willing to pay for over 200 guests, particularily considering that my fiances family wants to invite over double the guests that we are inviting. See why there are problems?
 
IMO i believe that you need to be able to have equal invite lists on both ends...and i dont think it is fair for ur parents to pay for double the invites coz you finance''s family is significantly larger (Unless they dont have an issue, then problem solved).

What i would do is to talk to ur finace and explain the situation and where you''re coming from and then ask if his family is willing to pay for the ''additional'' guests that they want to invite. I think that way your family is not obligated to pay for the additional numbers, you''re not telling your FH''s family they can''t invite everyone they want and you''re being accomodating..just my 2 cents..hope this helps!
 
Have you chosen a venue yet? If so, how many people will the venue accomodate? If you have a number from the venue, you can go from there. If not...you''re kind of at the mercy of who your parents (the hosts) want to invite, imo. Also, if your parents are hosting (i.e. paying for the entire reception), and you and your FI aren''t contributing the majority of costs, it''s in your best interests to let your parents determine the guest list. Sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear, but in a case where the parents are paying for the wedding/reception, I think it is fair to say that they should have the say so in who is invited and you and your fiance''s (as well as your FI''s family''s) input is second to that.

Another factor that could determine who ends up coming to the wedding (not to say who is invited--that is an entirely different beast) is location. If the wedding is on your parents
 
I''ve heard of some couples and families getting together and dividing up the guest list (the couple can invite X number of people and the groom''s and the bride''s parents have the same rule) but we didn''t do it that way.

While my FI has a much larger family than I do, my side of the guest list is much longer than his. He is the youngest of 5 and his parents have about 4-7 siblings between the two of them. I''m the oldest of two and my parents have 2-3 siblings between the two of them. I''m inviting my cousins and my aunts and uncles but my FI isn''t. My FI and his parents felt that since my FI doesn''t really know all of his relatives, they didn''t want to invite people just to add to their side of the guest list. My parents also have a much wider social circle than my FI''s parents. At first I felt guilty that it was going to look noticeably uneven but then I realized that my FI and his family had free reign to invite whomever they wanted and they chose not to. I also think that my parents felt that since they are paying for the reception (and other things), they were going to invite who they wanted. No one was being pushy about it though. Do I wish the guest list were smaller (it''s at bout 150 now)? Yes. I''ve gotten used to the idea that our wedding is going to be bigger than I had wanted but I''m okay with it (most of the time).
 
Hey Cali. I was in the same boat as you are when I first started planning my August 08 wedding. If you can wrap your head around this, try to follow:

FI''s Family:
Mom (has 8 brothers and sisters)
Real Dad (Has 4 brothers)
Step Dad (Has THIRTEEN brothers and sisters)

- - - - mind you, they ALL are married with an average of 3 kids each

My Family:
I have a total of 10 aunts and uncles from each side, with about 27 1st cousins, whom I''m very close to.

For these reasons of massive overload of family - we''ve decided to only invite those who are 18 and older...we are getting mean looks from lots of people, but if we would include those under 18, that would be an added 60 people to our already crowed guestlist

My advice:
Invite family and friends first - even though your parents are paying, it doesn''t mean that it''s THEIR wedding - they should understand that it''s about you and your FI.

I went to an engagement party for a friend last weekend and I was asked by a couple if I was the bride!!!! I just don''t like the idea of having people at parties/weddings that you don''t know - even if they are friend of the parents.

We are setting our guestlist limit at 250. Priority list is - 1) Family, 2) Friends of the couple - and any space left was split between the two sets of parents for their friends.
 
Thanks for the responses ladies. Msb700 and monarch, I agree that we should have equal guest lists if my parents are paying for everything. I think it is very generous of them to offer to pay for the entire wedding and allow my FI to invite equal guests. Cleopatra, I have no problem with the couples my parents are inviting, they are all very close family friends and like family to me. Plus, my side of the guest list would be really small without family friends.

I wish it were as easy as saying "FI, you and your family get to invite 60 people. Give me your list when you have it ready".

I think FI is going to come back to me and say "You knew I had a large family, I can''t just not invite my family. If your parents really refuse to pay for the extra guests, I will". I have a HUGE problem with that. I''m fine with FI''s parents paying for the extra guests, but I really don''t think they''d contribute anything. If FI contributes to the wedding, it''s the same thing as if I contributed to the wedding. However, FI and I don''t really have money sitting around to pay for 30 extra guests! He nees a new car, we''re saving for a house...you get the idea.

I don''t know what to do! help!
 
Date: 12/13/2007 1:04:06 PM
Author: CaliCushion
Thanks for the responses ladies. Msb700 and monarch, I agree that we should have equal guest lists if my parents are paying for everything. I think it is very generous of them to offer to pay for the entire wedding and allow my FI to invite equal guests. Cleopatra, I have no problem with the couples my parents are inviting, they are all very close family friends and like family to me. Plus, my side of the guest list would be really small without family friends.

I wish it were as easy as saying ''FI, you and your family get to invite 60 people. Give me your list when you have it ready''.

I think FI is going to come back to me and say ''You knew I had a large family, I can''t just not invite my family. If your parents really refuse to pay for the extra guests, I will''. I have a HUGE problem with that. I''m fine with FI''s parents paying for the extra guests, but I really don''t think they''d contribute anything. If FI contributes to the wedding, it''s the same thing as if I contributed to the wedding. However, FI and I don''t really have money sitting around to pay for 30 extra guests! He nees a new car, we''re saving for a house...you get the idea.

I don''t know what to do! help!
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We had similar issues (I mean, HAVE similiar issues!). Granted we haven''t sorted everything out yet, but i have one piece of advice.

You and your Fiance (and maybe with input from your parents, but maybe not!) should sit down and figure out what type of wedding you really want. Is it one with every family member possible, whereby you have to cut back on the quality of food/bar/flowers or whatever? Or is it mid sized one where the food and everything is of a certain quality, and work the guests into that number?

That didn''t make sense. Ha. I''ll try with an example. My FI and I figured out the type/style of wedding we wanted. We wanted it to feel like we were inviting all of our friends to a great dinner, having some great wine, and then having a big party!! We knew what our budget was, and then figured out how many guests we could invite based on all of those things.

So if our price per head was 120 (just for example), we could only invite as many guests as we could afford in our overall reception budget.

Granted, neither of us have huge immediate families, so we knew that if anyone was being ''cut'' it was people that weren''t blood relatives and who were probably friends with our parents (and not best friends).

My parents have been great and have given us their ''must have'' guest list. It is 30 people (thank god). They really wanted us to invite all of our friends and have it be about us.

So we gave my FI''s parents 30 guests. Of course they gave us 60, but we are working on that. Either way, we''ve told them they get 30. If they want to pitch in to pay for their extra guests at the price per head we have already decided on, then so be it.

Last thing I wanted was the wedding being dictated by the fact they wanted to bring extra people especially when they aren''t paying anything!!

Hope that helps. It''s not perfect, but at the end of it, I think my FI and I will have the type of wedding we really want and that my parents are graciously offering to give us.
 
style="WIDTH: 96.73%; HEIGHT: 120px">You and your Fiance (and maybe with input from your parents, but maybe not!) should sit down and figure out what type of wedding you really want. Is it one with every family member possible, whereby you have to cut back on the quality of food/bar/flowers or whatever? Or is it mid sized one where the food and everything is of a certain quality, and work the guests into that number?

My FI and I figured out the type/style of wedding we wanted. We wanted it to feel like we were inviting all of our friends to a great dinner, having some great wine, and then having a big party!! We knew what our budget was, and then figured out how many guests we could invite based on all of those things.
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Oct2008, I''ve always wanted a small wedding. I don''t like to be the center of attention and I think a wedding is a personal and intimate affair. I''d be happy to have a small destination wedding, but a lot of the people I care about most wouldn''t be able to take off work and couldn''t really afford to go, so that''s not really an option.

I want a fun but very nice wedding. I know my parents do not want to cut back on the extras or use a venue that''s not as nice in order to save money, especially since the only extra guests are FI''s guests. I understand their point--why should they host a party that is not to their liking in order to invite guests they don''t even know?

In terms of the budget, there really isn''t one. My parents have come with FI and I to look at all the venues, and I''m allowed to pick the venue I want as long as it is "reasonably" priced. Many of the places we have looked at are within the same price range, and it is a range my parents are comfortable with. It''s not a matter of "we''re giving you $30,000, do whatever you want".

Who knew planning was so stressful?
 
My parents are paying for my wedding.

FI''s family are coming - down to first cousins, plus his parents are divorced and remarried to people with other children. However a number of them are strict Orthodox Jews so they won''t come because it''s on a Saturday, which has helped with numbers a bit.

As we both have big families, a line had to be drawn as we only have space for 120 guests - my parents have invited 14 of their friends and FI and I have used the rest for ours.

FI decided who was invited from his side - his parents weren''t given any say at all. They weren''t bothered at all, just hoped we''d invite them!

Doesn''t seem totally fair I know, but I know all my parents friends really well and they have all seen me grow up. Whereas FI doesn''t know any of his parents friends. Also with them divorced, they don''t have friends in common so their numbers would be so small, they would actually have difficulty in not offending people - so better to invite no-one.

Maybe it''s better if you can say the venue has a space limit or something?
 
Date: 12/13/2007 1:04:06 PM
Author: CaliCushion
I wish it were as easy as saying ''FI, you and your family get to invite 60 people. Give me your list when you have it ready''.

I think FI is going to come back to me and say ''You knew I had a large family, I can''t just not invite my family. If your parents really refuse to pay for the extra guests, I will''. I have a HUGE problem with that. I''m fine with FI''s parents paying for the extra guests, but I really don''t think they''d contribute anything. If FI contributes to the wedding, it''s the same thing as if I contributed to the wedding. However, FI and I don''t really have money sitting around to pay for 30 extra guests! He nees a new car, we''re saving for a house...you get the idea.
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Why do you have a problem contributing to YOUR wedding so that your new inlaws can attend? When it is one of your FI''s priorities? (It''d be a horse of a different color if it was your FMIL pushing to invite every 2nd cousin, but this is your FI''s wedding too.) Of course this is hypothetical, since you are just guessing what his response will be, but it sounds like you WANT your parents to pay for the shindig, but don''t want to ask them to pay for the inconvenient family members of your FI, and you don''t want the funds coming out of your new joint bank account either.

Somehow you need to reconcile the cost with your FI''s desire to invite his fam. Either someone pays, or you convince your FI to invite less of his family.

This might be a little harsh, and I am not saying that you shouldn''t scale back the invites substantially, but you should look at this as a package deal. If you want a small wedding you need to lop off guests on both sides. Your new inlaw''s family needs to be an equal priority to your family, and in this instance imposing an equal number limit would not be "equal". I''m not saying that you have to invite cousins that no one knows, but you might need to make some accommodation in the numbers for the family size discrepancy.

Of course if your parents are hosting they ultimately get to set the rules. But this is a wedding. I hope that they would want to be considerate hosts, hosting the family of their new son-in-law as well as their own family, and I hope you only accepted their offer to host with that understanding, given that your FI feels inviting his family to his wedding should be a priority.

If your parents don''t feel that it is fair for them to pay for your FI''s large family, or you don''t feel that it is fair to ask them, then you may have reached the limits of the traditional funding plan for weddings. If having all the family at your wedding is a priority for you and your FI, then you should contribute. If his parents want to invite 100 people, they should be willing to provide a funding contribution if they are able. And if not, hopefully they would then be more willing to cut down the list, but you and your FI should really be taking the reins, making the list yourselves and drawing reasonable lines.
 
Cara,

I understand what you are saying. FI and I don''t have money to contribute to the wedding, though! He has student loans from college and grad school, he needs a new car, and we want to buy a house. If we put $10,000 towards extra guests, that is literally taking away from a down payment for a car or house and prolonging the time until we can buy. My parents are being very generous with their offer, but financially it doesn''t make any sense for FI and I to put money towards a wedding when we need to be saving and my parents are entirely happy to pay anyways. Yes, my new inlaw''s family needs to be an equal priority, and if they want to invite only family and no friends, that is fine. Most of the invited cousins FI sees only at family functions. He doesnt talk to them on the phone, e-mail them, or see them otherwise. I''ve never met any of them. I get that it''s not fair to invite some first cousins and not others, but it''s also not fair for my parents to pay for FI''s family to invite double the guests! If FI''s parents wanted to try to contribute, I think it''s a different story.
 
Date: 12/13/2007 1:51:38 PM
Author: CaliCushion

style="WIDTH: 96.73%; HEIGHT: 120px">You and your Fiance (and maybe with input from your parents, but maybe not!) should sit down and figure out what type of wedding you really want. Is it one with every family member possible, whereby you have to cut back on the quality of food/bar/flowers or whatever? Or is it mid sized one where the food and everything is of a certain quality, and work the guests into that number?

My FI and I figured out the type/style of wedding we wanted. We wanted it to feel like we were inviting all of our friends to a great dinner, having some great wine, and then having a big party!! We knew what our budget was, and then figured out how many guests we could invite based on all of those things.
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Oct2008, I''ve always wanted a small wedding. I don''t like to be the center of attention and I think a wedding is a personal and intimate affair. I''d be happy to have a small destination wedding, but a lot of the people I care about most wouldn''t be able to take off work and couldn''t really afford to go, so that''s not really an option.

I want a fun but very nice wedding. I know my parents do not want to cut back on the extras or use a venue that''s not as nice in order to save money, especially since the only extra guests are FI''s guests. I understand their point--why should they host a party that is not to their liking in order to invite guests they don''t even know?

In terms of the budget, there really isn''t one. My parents have come with FI and I to look at all the venues, and I''m allowed to pick the venue I want as long as it is ''reasonably'' priced. Many of the places we have looked at are within the same price range, and it is a range my parents are comfortable with. It''s not a matter of ''we''re giving you $30,000, do whatever you want''.

Who knew planning was so stressful?
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Okay well you''ve said a few things that are interesting:

1. You always wanted a small wedding
2. You want a personal and intimate affair
3. Your parents don''t want to cut back in order to host ''extra'' guests from your your FI''s extended family.

I think you should focus on those. I think it is reasonable that your parents are giving money with ''conditions'' (as opposed to the ''do whatever you want'' idea you mentioned) - and you are lucky that they seem to have the same vision as you and your FI.

As far as your parents not having given you a budget, I think it would be helpful that once you have chosen the venue, and figured out the ''per head'' cost to have the type of wedding you and your parents would like, then you can choose your numbers accordingly. Your parents may have to give some type of cut off - i.e. at this venue, we can do 100 guests, etc. just to help you give direction to FI''s family.

Does your FI really want these extra guests? Or is he just considering pitching in to stop his parents from getting upset?

If he really wants them there, then maybe you and him will have to work that out (i.e. you two paying for the extra guests). But if it is just to stop his Parents from getting upset, well then, I''d give them their alloted number of spots and call it a day. You shouldn''t go into debt/struggle financially to pay for guests that you really don''t want there. REgardless, I don''t think your parents should have to pay the extra.

Planning is stressful eh? I have found it frustrating from this type of ''tradition'' standpoint. My FI''s parents think that my parents have to pay for the wedding - they will contribute in the form of a ''gift'' on the day of. That just makes me so upset though. Granted, I am extremely grateful that my parents are paying for the wedding and that we may get a gift, don''t get me wrong. I just don''t understand why my parents HAVE to pay for the wedding, with set costs that involve my parents paying for my FI''s parents guests, and they get the luxury of giving a gift, of any denomination, on the day of teh wedding.

I know that sounds ungrateful, but I''m really not - I guess I just find the whole ''tradition'' of it difficult to swallow sometimes.

Sorry for the rant - just trying to show you that others are going through similar stresses! You''ll be fine! Just focus on your FI at this time and what the two of you would like, and decide carefully when it is important to put your foot down and when you should just let something slide.

Good luck!
 
Date: 12/13/2007 3:12:10 PM
Author: October2008bride

Planning is stressful eh? I have found it frustrating from this type of ''tradition'' standpoint. My FI''s parents think that my parents have to pay for the wedding - they will contribute in the form of a ''gift'' on the day of. That just makes me so upset though. Granted, I am extremely grateful that my parents are paying for the wedding and that we may get a gift, don''t get me wrong. I just don''t understand why my parents HAVE to pay for the wedding, with set costs that involve my parents paying for my FI''s parents guests, and they get the luxury of giving a gift, of any denomination, on the day of teh wedding.

I know that sounds ungrateful, but I''m really not - I guess I just find the whole ''tradition'' of it difficult to swallow sometimes.
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I find this quite interesting as a topic.

I''m one of 4 children - 3 girls and 1 boy.

My father''s take is that he is happy to pay for his daughter''s weddings, but won''t be contributing anything more than a wedding gift for my brothers.

This has always been made quite clear to all of us from as long as I can remember. He opened a wedding savings account the year I was born and we all get a third each - the longer you wait the bigger the third!
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He''s now retired and couldn''t begin to afford to pay much towards a wedding. He also won''t use the wedding fund for my brother because I have a much younger sister who probably won''t get married for another 10 years or so, and he is very traditional in wanting to pay for her wedding since he paid for mine and my sisters.

I can see that it might be a problem if my brother was to marry a girl whose parents didn''t think like he does - though knowing my father, he''d just call the girl''s father and tell him it was his responsibility.

I will NEVER forget the conversation that was had when my BIL didn''t see why he needed to buy my sister an e-ring. Let''s just say she had one on her finger within the week!
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Date: 12/13/2007 1:51:38 PM
Author: CaliCushion

I''ve always wanted a small wedding...

I want a fun but very nice wedding. I know my parents do not want to cut back on the extras or use a venue that''s not as nice in order to save money, especially since the only extra guests are FI''s guests. I understand their point--why should they host a party that is not to their liking in order to invite guests they don''t even know?

In terms of the budget, there really isn''t one...
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Cali, I feel for you here! but your small wedding ship has sailed (you''re looking at over 100 in the smaller size right?) and you definitely want your cake and to eat it too!

Your parents should invite "people they don''t know" because they are the family of their future son-in-law, and the party they are hosting is his wedding. It would be a gift to him and to you.

It isn''t "fair" to them, but life isn''t fair. But others should also do their part.

Your FI should sit down and make a list of the family he wants to invite (not his mother) and you two should talk. Discuss if it makes sense to invite cousins he doesn''t speak to. Should you two pay for those extra heads even if it delays new car purchase or house purchase or school loan repayment. Yes, those are important things in life, but some people place a lot of value on (having their family at) weddings as well. Imagine funding your own wedding entirely - $10k wouldn''t go so far would it? Thus far you have been spared making your own financial sacrifices for this milestone by your parents'' generosity, but it has reached a certain limit.

And I would ask for a contribution from the other side. Even if it isn''t forthcoming, at least then it will be a little more clear why the numbers need cutting.

However, be prepared for some blowback if you say anything like "well my parents didn''t want to cut back on anything just so they could invite more people they don''t know". That isn''t exactly welcoming to their new relations.

I am one of 19 first cousins and we really really stressed over numbers and costs and potential slights, as there had already been a problem when an older cousin wanted a small wedding. But everyone had come around to the idea that wedding cost tons of money, and was prepared for arbitrary rules uniformly enforced. Even though I wanted my cousins there (whom I only really see at holidays - but holidays over a lifetime do add up!) I was prepared to Not Invite Any Cousins to keep it under 100 people if needed. However, there was one set of cousins on FI''s mother''s side we HAD to invite - and I just thought it would be too political to play favorites. We ended up inviting most of the cousins, leaving off only those that had fallen off the grid, so to speak, but it turns out that more of my FI''s cousins ended up showing, even though he has less than half as many. And they had a great time, and we had a great time hosting them. This is not to say that this is what you should do or anyone should do, but that you and your FI should jointly decide on the "fair" solution here.
 
I have a similiar problem. We need to keep the total under 100 as per our agreement with the venue and becuase I didn''t want it any bigger. He has a lot of relatives his mother wanted to invite and he has a hard time saying no since they have a rocky relationship and it was the first time she showed any intrest in the wedding since he is marrying me. We managed to cut the invite list to 120 and here is our solution. We aren''t sending save the dates. We are emailing the few people we really want to be there who don''t already know when it is, and not informing the others until the invitations go out. That way we can tell his mother they were invited, they just couldn''t make it. Since his family are poor planners and something like save the dates are way to organized for them anyway it saves a lot of trouble.
 
CaliCushion,

Help me understand. Your guest list is 60ish people and his guest list is 100ish people. You think it is unfair for your parents to pay for the 40 or so extra people since you don''t know those people (cousins, family friends, etc) right? My fi and I both come from large families and thankfully, I know his family and he knows mine. I guess I''m having trouble figuring out why it would matter. Why not give him 20 extra people, at $120/person that would cost $2400 extra. A lot of money, yes, but a fair compromise.

If you want to make the guest list a non-issue... Why don''t you find a venue with a seated guest count of 120-130 so then they are limited in numbers of guest? And then your fi and family could figure out who they would like to invite.
 
cali, i feel your pain

my parents are divorced and remarried and my family totals 80. We are all really close and involved with each other''s lives.

my FI''s family totals 40, and they only see/speak to 3 of them. but FI insists on inviting all 40 - and he has NO idea if they will come. his family also isn''t contributing anything beyond the rehearsal dinner.

my parents gave us a decent amount for the wedding, but they also want to invite their friends....and needless to say they aren''t thrilled at having to sacrifice family friends for people we''ve never met and he hasn''t seen or talked to in ten years. but it''s important to FI that he invites them, and i can''t very well tell him "no".the guest list so far is at 207. 207!!!

my parents are sort of on my side in that we want a really nice wedding....and the venue is definitely the most important part. my FI and his family don''t see anything wrong with a VFW hall. i am at my wits end trying to figure out how to make everybody happy....

i''ve been considering doing a cocktail/dessert reception so that everybody can come and it can still be at a nice place, because there really is no fair way to split the invitations. good luck.
 
You decide who you want, on both sides, and those are your cut offs. Invite both sets of first cousins, yours and his, or none, invite all children, or none, etc.

From his perspective, it's not fair that you expect him to cut his guest list because his family is larger than yours, something completely beyond his control. The fact that he is willing to pay for those people to attend if your parents can't/won't, and put your financial plans on the backburner to do so, indicates that this is extremely important to him and you should be working towards some sort of compromise (a small ceremony with a larger casual party to celebrate with extended family later, for example).
 
Date: 12/14/2007 9:15:00 AM
Author: KimberlyH
You decide who you want, on both sides, and those are your cut offs. Invite both sets of first cousins, yours and his, or none, invite all children, or none, etc.

From his perspective, it''s not fair that you expect him to cut his guest list because his family is larger than yours, something completely beyond his control. The fact that he is willing to pay for those people to attend if your parents can''t/won''t, and put your financial plans on the backburner to do so, indicates that this is extremely important to him and you should be working towards some sort of compromise (a small ceremony with a larger casual party to celebrate with extended family later, for example).
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I had the impression that her parents said "this is the number we can do" and that was what was causing the cuts to be made. I actually don''t think it is all that unreasonable for her parents to stop at a certain number, however I do agree that if it is important to her FI, then Cali and FI have to make adjustments. But if Cali and FI are not willing/able to put in the extra $$$ to pay for the extras, well then, I don''t think her parents should fork over more.

Realistically, if they invited on a tit for tat basis and one side didn''t have a lot of ''blood'' relatives, to get the numbers down it would cut pretty drastically into Cali''s parents'' list.

i.e. Cali has 1 cousin but 40 friends. FI has 70 cousins and 10 friends. Cut out either cousins or friends and it doesn''t really work out for either party, you know?

I tell ya...this is a tough one and I think most people go through it in some form or another. Hopefully some of the advice has helped!!
 
one non-specific suggestion: whatever decision you make, it should be a conversation between you and your fiance. Once YOU TWO have come to a reasonable conclusions/compromise that you BOTH agree on, break it gently to your respective families. Don''t make it a convoluted four-way discussion. You two come up with a solution that makes sense for you and then each of you talk it over with your own parents. Otherwise you''ll end up with WAY too many cooks in this already tense kitchen!

my fiance and i had a few invitation list issues (the only aspect of wedding planning that we''ve tussled over), and that''s how we handled it. even though my parents are giving a very generous chunk of change, they understand that it''s our wedding, not theirs, and they''ve respected when i''ve come to them and said, "fiance and i discussed it, and we think this way makes sense, for x, y and z reasons."
 
Date: 12/14/2007 12:40:34 PM
Author: AceP
one non-specific suggestion: whatever decision you make, it should be a conversation between you and your fiance. Once YOU TWO have come to a reasonable conclusions/compromise that you BOTH agree on, break it gently to your respective families. Don''t make it a convoluted four-way discussion. You two come up with a solution that makes sense for you and then each of you talk it over with your own parents. Otherwise you''ll end up with WAY too many cooks in this already tense kitchen!

my fiance and i had a few invitation list issues (the only aspect of wedding planning that we''ve tussled over), and that''s how we handled it. even though my parents are giving a very generous chunk of change, they understand that it''s our wedding, not theirs, and they''ve respected when i''ve come to them and said, ''fiance and i discussed it, and we think this way makes sense, for x, y and z reasons.''
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Ditto :-)
 
Date: 12/14/2007 12:26:45 PM
Author: October2008bride

Date: 12/14/2007 9:15:00 AM
Author: KimberlyH
You decide who you want, on both sides, and those are your cut offs. Invite both sets of first cousins, yours and his, or none, invite all children, or none, etc.

From his perspective, it''s not fair that you expect him to cut his guest list because his family is larger than yours, something completely beyond his control. The fact that he is willing to pay for those people to attend if your parents can''t/won''t, and put your financial plans on the backburner to do so, indicates that this is extremely important to him and you should be working towards some sort of compromise (a small ceremony with a larger casual party to celebrate with extended family later, for example).
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I had the impression that her parents said ''this is the number we can do'' and that was what was causing the cuts to be made. I actually don''t think it is all that unreasonable for her parents to stop at a certain number, however I do agree that if it is important to her FI, then Cali and FI have to make adjustments. But if Cali and FI are not willing/able to put in the extra $$$ to pay for the extras, well then, I don''t think her parents should fork over more.

Realistically, if they invited on a tit for tat basis and one side didn''t have a lot of ''blood'' relatives, to get the numbers down it would cut pretty drastically into Cali''s parents'' list.

i.e. Cali has 1 cousin but 40 friends. FI has 70 cousins and 10 friends. Cut out either cousins or friends and it doesn''t really work out for either party, you know?

I tell ya...this is a tough one and I think most people go through it in some form or another. Hopefully some of the advice has helped!!
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Cali stated: "I know my parents do not want to cut back on the extras or use a venue that''s not as nice in order to save money, especially since the only extra guests are FI''s guests. I understand their point--why should they host a party that is not to their liking in order to invite guests they don''t even know?" Which means they would rather slight her future husband''s family than throw a wedding for less cost per person to accomodate the man she is going to marry, and she''s okay with that. But because it is so important to him that these people are invited, he has said he''ll pay for them out of his own pocket; but that''s not good enough either, because that means their savings will be depleted. Somewhere in there a compromise has to exist that suits both Cali and her future husband. And if it can''t be done while pleasing the parents, who are paying, then they need to come up with a whole new plan of action, because they are a soon-to-be-married couple and their first responsiblity is to one another.

An aside, it''s quite common, when people run into guest issues, that they cut a whole group out instead of picking and choosing, it leaves less room for hurt feelings on either side.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone. I''m not sure exactly what I''m going to do yet. It''s not that my parents aren''t willing to cut out anything, but they''re not going to host a party that isn''t at all to thier liking in order to invite all of FI''s additional family. And this isn''t family he is close with, it''s family he only sees at family functions. I also have always wanted a small, intimate, and well, nice wedding. My parents have a hard time grasping that they should pay for a wedding that isn''t even what I want. It''s not that I''m throwing away money, I am a designer and plan on saving money by DIY''ing many things.

FI''s parents certainly are under no obligation to give us any money. However, both his parents make decent salaries, they just don''t save any money. My parents don''t really understand why it''s fair that they saved money for my wedding, and now they are supposed to lower the quality of the venue and invite more people that both they and I would like in order to make FI''s parents happy (wow, run on sentance). And I have to admit I really do see my parents point of view.
 
I have to agree with you on this one cali and I think your parents are being resonable.
Instead of asking how many people he wants, consider asking WHY he wants these people.
If it is because he has always wanted a big wedding that can be worked on. If it is because he doesn''t want to offend his family remind him that the first obligation is to you. It may be because he feels like he is left out of the planning, again, an easy remidy. It could also be that he feels like your family is dominating the wedding and this is his way of evening things out. My rather long winded point is that there is no solution for your current problem, but if you narrow the problem down there probably are good solutions to those.
 
Brazen,

I''m glad you see my point of view! To answer a few of your questions...FI has gone with my parents and I to all of the venues. While he''s prefer certain ones, I''m much pickier regarding the quality of the food and the atmosphere, and he''s pretty much willing to let me have the final say. FI and his parents seem to feel that the prioirty of a wedding should be that it is a a fun party, and that the way to have a party is to have a lot of young people who are going to dance and stay late. FI''s cousins are all in thier 20''s and 30''s, and both him and his parents seem to feel that the addition of all these young people are going to make the wedding fun. However, FI and I already have over 40 friends we''re inviting, and that seems like plenty of "young and fun" people to me! That''s not at all to say that he shouldn''t invite his cousins, but I''m not worried about the wedding being boring or too serious without them.
 
I think that is what you need to focus on then. Maybe "fun" things like lively music, martini ice bars, etc might solve your problem. Other than young people, what makes them feel a party is fun? Could you intergrate those and have a compromise on the numbers?
It does sound like you and your FI have two very different takes on what makes a "good" wedding that you guys should maybe discuss.
 
I think you may need to separate the money issue from the type of wedding you want issue, i.e.

let''s say there was all the money in the world and you and FI were paying for the wedding:
You''d STILL run into the same problem. You and FI have different ideas about how a wedding should be: you are thinking sophisticated, adult tasteful medium sized reception, and FI is thinking yea! all out party huge gathering of everyone we know! (i''m assuming here, if he doesn''t feel that way...just his family.. than ignore this)

I think you''re trying to avoid the VERY difficult issue of compromising between these two types of receptions by bringing the money into it. You''re basicallly saying, well too bad for you FI! My family is paying so my concept of the wedding wins.

Is this the reality of the situation? Yes. Does that mean you should do it this way? My opinion is no, but that''s because i believe the wedding is about the couple...not just the bride. It''s his wedding too - and his opinions should be taken into acccount.
 
Cali--I believe that your parents should be the ones dictating how many guests can be invited from each side, and not the size of your FI''s family. As hosts, your parents have the right to say "this is what we are willing to accommodate, if you would like to invite additional guests you are free to do so."

My best friend had a very similar problem--her parents paid for the entire wedding, and her then-fiance''s family contributed absolutely nothing. Well, the groom''s parents just assumed they''d be able to invite whomever they wanted, and they came up with a guest list of well over 100 people. The bride''s parents set up a lunch with them and explained that they were happy to host 80 guests on each side, and anything over that would have to be covered by the groom''s side. This seems completely fair to me--financial ability aside, nobody should be obligated to spend anything more than they feel comfortable, and they CERTAINLY shouldn''t be forced to compromise on other aspects of the event to accommodate someone else''s expectations.

Good luck, Cali, I know this can be a sticky situation. On the positive side--remember to be very grateful that your parents are hosting your wedding, I''d LOVE it if mine were able to do the same for us!
 
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