Why are boys so silly?

[megster84]

Well, I have been seeing a lot of posts from LIW about their confusion in regards to their SO/FF and I figured we needed a posted to hash it out. I do not mean this to be boy-bashing in any way, just a safe place to trade thoughts on why the boys we love do the things they do.

I have learned some insights into the boy-psyche from my SO that surprised me that I thought would be nice to share. I know I have posted about this before, but when we started talking about rings he said how much the idea scared him...like seriously afraid! I was a little surprised at the level of nervousness, it just wasn''t like him. He explained that he wanted to ''get it right'' and after seeing some of my friends get engaged, he was nervous that he would get the wrong ring, or it wouldn''t be something I would be proud to show off to our friends (ie size comparison). I reassured him this was not an issue since I don''t even want a diamond ering (aqua baby!) and he was relieved that I was open to talking about it. He is also nervous about wedding planning because of money and the guest list. He has a lot of friends, and the idea of not including everyone gets a little rough for him (also since eloping it out of the question for both of our families).

Now my questions to put out there, and men please feel free if you are around to add some thoughts, no better way to learn than to go directly to the source! why don''t men like talking about weddings? (this is a generalization, I know) why do men get so freaked out when we want/need to talk about our wedding dreams? why do men think that someday there will be a perfect moment in time/life to propose when in reality, that moment may never arrive?

Any and all thoughts/comments/additonal questions would be welcome! Again, I do not want this to be a boy-bashing session, but rather an information time where we can discuss some issues we face and try to educate ourselves about the opposite sex and why they are so darn silly!!

 

[neatfreak]

I''ll take a stab. I think there are a few things...

1. They aren''t sure they are ready (not always the case...but sometimes)
2. They are stalling because they don''t want to break up but aren''t ready to propose (again, not always the case)

or the big one:

3. It''s like a huge test for them that they have to pass. One of the biggest moments of possible rejection in their lifetime and they don''t want to f* it up!

Just my thoughts.

 

[ckrickett]

I think maybe because when men are young what do they do? play with their GI Joes, little tonka trucks and be adorable. What do little girls do, play wedding and house and have baby dolls. It's like since we are young growing up getting married and having a family is almost ingrained in us. So I think when we reach the age, find the right one it's an easy decision for us. With Boys when they meet the right girl the girl is usually the one to mention getting engaged, and getting married and the boys might be alittle thrown back. They might think we are rushing them or want to get married just to get married. Girls (are usually, not always) more mature then boys. A 24 year old girl might think she is prime age to get married, and a 24 year old boy might think, Hey I got 6 years"
Plus (this being macho, fear of rejecition, and wanting to make you happy) they probably want to do it right, not just for you but for friends. Getting his girl the best ring, having the best suprise, making sure he doesn't embarass you in front of your family! it's alot of pressure on a guy when we are the ones who reap most of the rewards.

My guy and I talk about it. But he thinks I'm obsessed, he is like "you want to get married just to get married" but I don't think he realizes how silly it sounds. He says he is ready and I'm ready but we as a couple aren't ready, and that I can understand, but at the same time it confuses me.

I guess the best thing you can do is let them be (with a few hints here and there) and just love them for being them! because in the end you're going to spend the same amount of time with them married or not he will still be there to love you, so no need to rush anything.

 

[Lauren8211]

Ha. Cute thread.

I think what it boils down to is that (a good portion of) women plan their wedding their whole lives, and men don''t really think about it until they''ve met the woman they want to marry. So we''ve had 20+ years to get used to the idea, and men have significantly less time before we start putting the pressure on. Plus, marriage is always romanticized for women, and for men, not so much. They aren''t the ones supposedly getting swept off their feet. We are. It''s a lot of pressure on them.

I know my FF feels IMMENSE pressure to do a proposal that I can talk about for years to come, so that definitely makes it more stressful.

Also, men always feel a need to "provide" for their wives. So they want things to be perfect so there''s a better chance at success. It''s real blow to the male ego if they''ve lost a job, or don''t have money in the bank. They want to take care of you, and want it to be perfect.

Men also don''t have as much societal pressure to marry. 40 year old men who are single are "bachelors" while 40 year old single women are "spinsters" It''s a double standard, sure, but it exists.

I try very hard to remind myself of these things when I picture my diamond being held hostage for 4 months already!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Nice post. I would have to say I have been confused at times. One of the reasons why I have been on PS for several months without posting in this area. My BF will talk about so much regarding the future with me. The kind of house we want to live in someday, what part of the country we want to live in. About 6 mo into our relationship, he was the one who brought up following me when I move out of the area (at the time that was 2 years away so I was shocked). He will talk about weddings in general, but he will not talk about "his" wedding. When we go into a Tiffany''s, he always goes to the engagement ring section and looks, but I don''t try them on.

Finally when we had more serious discussions about moving out of the area (that will be a year from now), I asked him if he wants to live with me. He looked at me shocked "well yeah." I basically told him I needed to be engaged before we move in together. He said, "I know what I need to do," and we left the conversation at that.

A couple things I can think of. He is a little bit older, so adjusting to not being a single is hard. But on the other hand, I don''t think he was expecting to be this age and single. But also, ealry in out relationship, after my best friend got engaged, he stated that he felt the engagement should be a surprise. He loves those old traditions. He has looked over my shoulders while I am on here and he sometimes says "isn''t this a surprise for anyone anymore." I try to explain to him that everyone has their own way, but he just shakes his head. I think that maybe talking directly about engagement and wedding will "ruin the surprise" for him.

 

[megster84]

I love hearing everyone else''s perspective. I think sometimes I get so caught up in "US" that I forgot to take a step back to look at things. We talk about the future all the time, both of us...house plans, school plans, job plans, baby plans (names too!) everything, nothing is out of bounds. We talk about marriage and how he can''t wait to call me his wife (Mrs....

) but whenever we get close to talking about wedding details...he is all "Why do you want to think about it so far in advance! I can''t even think about it!" He doesn''t get angry, he just thinks I am being silly, and I think he is being silly, and the silly merry-go-round just keeps on going ''round and ''round...hrumph! If I ever have a son, I will make him play "Barbie is getting Married!" while growing up to help his future wife along, hey maybe Barbie can marry one of his GI Joes lol

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

In addition to some of the responses posted here, I''ll add this from my own point of view. My FI told me last night that another guy he works with was recently engaged and asked him, "So, is Michelle busy doing wedding stuff?" My FI answered, "That''s all she ever does... I think she thinks the wedding is next month." He laughed.

I rolled my eyes at him and smiled and went back to browsing photographers. My theory is that some men are completely clueless and do not realize that it takes lots of time and effort to make the wedding happen. He''s always just shown up to a wedding and drank the free alcohol, ate the free dinner, and danced to the music until it''s time to go home, never considering that someone had to book that place a year in advance and coordinate with a ceremony site and choose a caterer and find a security officer while planning for which kinds of alcohol to have etc etc. He proposed on October 12 and we''re getting married next summer, so all the decisions need to be made NOW.

So my point is that they just don''t get the planning and time that has to go into everything, possibly including the proposal. He told me that one night while he was away for a convention, he just clicked and said, "I want to do it now" and actually thought that he would be able to buy the ring, ask my parents and plan the proposal within two weeks. It ended up taking him a month, which was actually really fast considering he was starting from scratch on diamond knowledge and research. We had talked about getting married next summer before, and really I lucked out that he proposed when he did, because in his mind - he was early with the proposal since we have all the way until next year before the wedding!

 

[megster84]

Date: 11/12/2008 9:50:33 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
In addition to some of the responses posted here, I''ll add this from my own point of view. My FI told me last night that another guy he works with was recently engaged and asked him, ''So, is Michelle busy doing wedding stuff?'' My FI answered, ''That''s all she ever does... I think she thinks the wedding is next month.'' He laughed.

I rolled my eyes at him and smiled and went back to browsing photographers. My theory is that some men are completely clueless and do not realize that it takes lots of time and effort to make the wedding happen. He''s always just shown up to a wedding and drank the free alcohol, ate the free dinner, and danced to the music until it''s time to go home, never considering that someone had to book that place a year in advance and coordinate with a ceremony site and choose a caterer and find a security officer while planning for which kinds of alcohol to have etc etc. He proposed on October 12 and we''re getting married next summer, so all the decisions need to be made NOW.

So my point is that they just don''t get the planning and time that has to go into everything, possibly including the proposal. He told me that one night while he was away for a convention, he just clicked and said, ''I want to do it now'' and actually thought that he would be able to buy the ring, ask my parents and plan the proposal within two weeks. It ended up taking him a month, which was actually really fast considering he was starting from scratch on diamond knowledge and research. We had talked about getting married next summer before, and really I lucked out that he proposed when he did, because in his mind - he was early with the proposal since we have all the way until next year before the wedding!

I never thought of that before...they really have no idea (most don''t at least) as to how long and how much work planning an event like this takes, especially since you want to get it right! I will have to bring this up next time he says "Why are you planning ahead, it is soooo far away!"
Thanks for the insight Guilty Pleasure!

 

[sunnyd]

Totally true GP! My guy thought it would take 6 months to plan a wedding and everyone he''d ever known would be invited. Ummm...not so much.

I think the surprise thing is also part of it. Like no one is supposed to say ''wedding'' until the secret ring is on the finger and no one even saw it coming! So when we start talking about it openly, they think ''what?! This isn''t right, I don''t have the ring yet!!'' That part is still stuck in olden times. LOL...

 

[CNYHopeful]

These are some good insights. My SO once mentioned that when he proposes he''ll be ready to get married anytime after that. So, when he''s ready to get down on one knee, he''s ready to head to the altar and live for better or for worse right then and there. For some reason, he might not feel that way right now.

1) A guy will never be truly at ease about marriage until he''s actually married. When a guy comes to terms with that, I think he''s ready to get there.
2) Guys are sold this idea that they have to "live their independence to the fullest" and use up all of their desire for independence before getting married. Whether that be going on some obscure trip by himself, hiking the entire Appalachian trail, buying a new drumset or gymset, etc. They feel the need to enjoy a personal adventure before the novelty wears off.
3) They need to feel that they are willing to surrender everything and be able to sacrifice their wants for someone else.
4) Men want to be at a career or financial position to be able to take care of us. They want to be responsible for paying for the wedding, honeymoon, life together if something happens. They want to be at a place where they can afford a proper home sometimes.
5) If a man feels inadequate or that a woman is unhappy, he''s less likely to ask her to spend forever with him. Men can be more sensitive over how a woman feels because he might feel responsible but afraid to make it worse or to make her spend forever being miserable at him.
6) He has the perfect proposal/ring in mind but is afraid to mess it up or it isn''t the right time, or he hasn''t saved up enough for the ring.

Those are my thoughts anyways.

 

[tessari]

I have heard the "you don''t want to marry me you just want to get married" thing from guys before...like a fear the man has that the woman only wants a ring and a wedding and not the man himself. My BF has never told me that, but I did hear it from an ex, and maybe the ex was right--which is why we are no longer together and he never proposed. Sometimes, even with my BF now, I get so wrapped up in the ring, the engagement, the wedding that I forget what it all really means...because it just is such a momentous time in our lives...but I keep reminding myself to take a step back and make sure to focus on just our relationship, without all the upcoming excitement. I think guys have an easier time wanting to just "be" with their SO and not get all caught up in the engagement/wedding hoopla and I actually think that it''s very sweet...but it can also scare them away when they feel that the focus is off of them. know what i mean?

 

[purselover]

I think some men are afraid of getting married b/c they are afraid of failure. My bf once said to me "it''s one thing to be a bad boyfriend, but to be a bad husband....." divorce is scary to a lot of people, and I think they just want to be extra sure they have "enough" money, and that their relationship is secure "enough" and a million other things even if they aren''t really sure what "enough" is.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 11/12/2008 12:29:38 PM
Author: CNYHopeful

These are some good insights. My SO once mentioned that when he proposes he''ll be ready to get married anytime after that. So, when he''s ready to get down on one knee, he''s ready to head to the altar and live for better or for worse right then and there. For some reason, he might not feel that way right now.

1) A guy will never be truly at ease about marriage until he''s actually married. When a guy comes to terms with that, I think he''s ready to get there.
2) Guys are sold this idea that they have to ''live their independence to the fullest'' and use up all of their desire for independence before getting married. Whether that be going on some obscure trip by himself, hiking the entire Appalachian trail, buying a new drumset or gymset, etc. They feel the need to enjoy a personal adventure before the novelty wears off.
3) They need to feel that they are willing to surrender everything and be able to sacrifice their wants for someone else.
4) Men want to be at a career or financial position to be able to take care of us. They want to be responsible for paying for the wedding, honeymoon, life together if something happens. They want to be at a place where they can afford a proper home sometimes.
5) If a man feels inadequate or that a woman is unhappy, he''s less likely to ask her to spend forever with him. Men can be more sensitive over how a woman feels because he might feel responsible but afraid to make it worse or to make her spend forever being miserable at him.
6) He has the perfect proposal/ring in mind but is afraid to mess it up or it isn''t the right time, or he hasn''t saved up enough for the ring.

Those are my thoughts anyways.

These are some good points. Very well said.

 

[trillionaire]

Men are very confusing. I dated SO for 4.5yr before having a "serious" conversation about marriage. (I never wanted to before then, honestly, the idea of it was enough to give me an anxiety attack!) At that time, he revealed to me that he didn't think that I wanted to get married, even though he wanted to marry me. WTH!?!?! WHY would you date me for 4.5 yrs if you thought that I wouldn't marry you? He's really nuts. If I was a girl saying the same thing about my boyfriend, you all would shoot me out of a cannon and call me a circus clown!

So AFTER this convo (late may/early june), he is looking at rings, like, Pronto. I think he purchased one sometime after the 4th of July weekend, and got it in late July. And he just has it. Just, hanging onto it.

And he has no clue that I know about it. And when I was at his house in September, I was helping to organize his stuff, and he made some comment about how good he was being about letting me "go through his stuff," and good thing he wasn't hiding a ring somewhere or anything.

Then he told me not to organize his closet!

Hmmm... I HAVE managed to stay sane enough not to look for it...

So yes, I don't get boys, and their crazy silly boy logic. Because for a while, I was really excited, then I was anxious, and now I am just annoyed.

I've convinced myself that it's never going to happen. And I kind of believe it.

And it's all his fault.

And I don't even want a stoopid wedding, I just want to elope, just the two of us, and just start our lives together. Geez, I'm a cheap bride, and I still can't get any progress!

(lol at my histrionics!)