Why do we do this?

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I''m sure this has been hashed out before, but whyyyy do we drive ourselves crazy with this stuff?

I ''found'' a bunch of signs indicating BF was on the verge of a proposal, or had at least purchased a ring... And now I''m doubting it. He just had a little money talk with me about which debt deserved his soon-to-be-dispersed bonus from work.. Student loans, car payments, or mattress payments. He seemed to be stressing a bit over it. I can''t imagine him taking on debt over a ring if he''s worried about other ''debts''... And clearly he''s not using his bonus to pay for some bling.

Perhaps I was making too much out of the ''signs'' that I saw earlier. Those gosh darn hopes of mine. Seems like he was just checking out prices or styles or something of the sort.

So a question: Why do all of you want to be engaged? What is it about the engagement? The ring? Wedding planning? I know that I''m just excited to initiate the ''rest of my life'' with BF, but at the same time, I feel like I''m so fixated on a RING and I wish I wasn''t

It shouldn''t be about jewelry, but I feel like that''s what I''m waiting for. Why can''t he just PROPOSE sans gemstone? :sigh:

Sorry for the vent. Hope everyone is having a fab day.

 

[sugarjo]

Maybe it''s the lack of oxygen where we are? Pinky, I think you and I are in the same boat. In the same city. It''s good to know I''m not alone. Hang in there, these boys of ours have to break eventually, right?

 

[FrekeChild]

Why do all of you want to be engaged? Mostly because I don''t want to have to worry about it anymore. The ring, the engagement, the wedding, etc etc etc. I just want to marry him.

What is it about the engagement? The ring? Wedding planning? Not the ring, and not the wedding planning (although that has already been done--everything but contacting vendors and paying practically). I think it''s just about the commitment for me. He''s mine, and we know it, but no one else does. And I''m tired of answering "So, when are you getting engaged?" (I''ll let you know when it happens, but until then you and I are BOTH in the dark!) The ring is a nice bonus, but not necessary.

Why do we drive ourselves crazy? Because it''s anxiety driven, and we have no control over it at all. We THINK it''s coming, but we don''t know for sure and we don''t know when. I will be thrilled the instant I know he''s paid for the ring, but it won''t be REAL until I hear those magic words. I can''t tell you how excited I was when he bought the stone--but that was the cheap part.

I''m guessing the questions were rhetorical, but I figured I''d answer them anyway. Stupid avoidance of midterms.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I think it also the fact that some people really want a "title" with their boyfriend. I have numerous people coming up to me and saying, wow you two are still dating?? Like it isn''t on my facebook, we don''t live together, and we''re never together. I think I just want a ring on my finger to have people ask and say oh, you are engaged? YES HE IS MY FIANCE. I could also do without a ring, but I''m not going to be engaged until a long time away ha. This is not of course everything and every reason why I want to be engaged, just a tiny feeling I have. I clearly love my boyfriend and could probably stay like this with him forever, but I do want it to be a new life together once we share the same name and share our joy with out family.

Sorry if this is all over the place, I just finished writing two papers! My mind is scattered.

 

[CNYHopeful]

I agree that part of it is the commitment factor. I had a similar conversation with my BF recently and wasn''t sure if our timetable is shifting due to financial considerations. Primarily, though, I think the fixation for me is over TIME. Yes, we have forever to be together as husband and wife, but time is precious and so is our future. The matter of engagement, of commitment, means that we would be saying "yes" to our vocation, our mutual calling, and our desire to share our lives together. That we would embrace the sacrifice, the joys, and the unexpected together. For me, it''s not merely about a ring, pretty dresses, and lavish celebrations or even a societal expectation being fulfilled. It''s about realizing and commiting myself without reservation to something greater than myself. And I cannot think of a better person to share that with than my boyfriend.

Not to mention the more practical matters such as: do I plan my trip to Italy next year or not because we may be saving up for a fall wedding and honeymoon? It''s mainly about planning my future with him.

Sorry for the long ramblings.

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 10/13/2008 4:30:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Why do all of you want to be engaged? Mostly because I don''t want to have to worry about it anymore. The ring, the engagement, the wedding, etc etc etc. I just want to marry him.


What is it about the engagement? The ring? Wedding planning? Not the ring, and not the wedding planning (although that has already been done--everything but contacting vendors and paying practically). I think it''s just about the commitment for me. He''s mine, and we know it, but no one else does. And I''m tired of answering ''So, when are you getting engaged?'' (I''ll let you know when it happens, but until then you and I are BOTH in the dark!) The ring is a nice bonus, but not necessary.


Why do we drive ourselves crazy? Because it''s anxiety driven, and we have no control over it at all. We THINK it''s coming, but we don''t know for sure and we don''t know when. I will be thrilled the instant I know he''s paid for the ring, but it won''t be REAL until I hear those magic words. I can''t tell you how excited I was when he bought the stone--but that was the cheap part.


I''m guessing the questions were rhetorical, but I figured I''d answer them anyway. Stupid avoidance of midterms.

i think you pretty much hit the nail on the head though.

for me its not about the ring itsself, but since SO refuses to propose w/o one, then ive become fixated on it at well

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Great responses, all. And I appreciate everyone''s thoughts and inputs and insight.

I''m with a lot of you on the "solidification of commitment" aspect. I trust BF and I will be partners for the long haul, but I''m feeling ready to dive into this commitment head-first. Sometimes saying "Hey, boyfriend, how are you" doesn''t do the relationship justice. People don''t take BF/GF relationships seriously- I feel like I''m always saying, "We''ve been together longer than 5 weeks, you know. We cohabitate. We own two cats together. We vacation.".... Not that I should have to justify my relationship to anyone, but ya know how it goes

I''m just ready to get the rest of our lives started NOW, and he seems to think that event needs to commence with a sparkly stone-- I can''t argue with that, but I''ll be damned if I wait 5 years just for a rock. (Well, I guess if it came to that, I just may have to)

Finally: Seems lots of people are busy, busy with school..... I fo-sho relate. Good luck to all who have midterms, term papers, undergrad/graduate/law school/whatever exams in the near future. Maybe it''ll take our minds offa dreamy, future nuptuals for a little while

Back to studying...

 

[LaraOnline]

My man proposed without a ring! I thought that was pretty much a normal procedure until I found PS! But... when the man thinks and plans and saves for a ring, it means you might get a nicer ring, so that''s a plus! Also then the symbol becomes more potent, for all the desire and delay!
Hope he doesn''t make you wait too long though! That feeling of wasted time does drive me nuts.
Now I''m on the other side of it... we''ve been married five years next year, and my man is turning 40 next year...the ''life pressure'' is starting to mount - kids, money, business worries, new house...
it''s like you finally realise you only have a short time on the planet, and you might NEVER get that pool you always dreamed of having one day/ the ocean-going fishing boat (my man''s dream) / the RB solitaire ring etc etc. the list is endless
So I say: don''t start too young when it comes to married life! But don''t start old either!

 

[dec2410]

i think the same thing to myself everyday...ask the same questions...

every time i look at my SO and wonder when he''ll propose...i have to stop myself. what ever happened to living in the here and now?

well, i wanna be engaged....because i wanna marry my SO! that''s all....plain and simple. i don''t care for the hoopla of a wedding (probably have a family only affair) and i''ve already expressed that i don''t need a ring to get married. however, he has his manly needs/wants...and wants to do the "proposal" right.

why i drive myself crazy? b/c i''m a female addicted to pricescope.

 

[waitinlady]

For me its the fact that i cant wait to start the next chapter of our life together. To be able to call him my husband, start a family etc. The fact that he told me he almost proposed and then didnt because he got freaked out about all the work that goes into planning a wedding has increased my LIW syndrome tenfold. to know he was so close and didnt do it! It is also hard to hear people constantly ask why we arent engaged yet. I dont really care how glamourous the ring or the wedding is.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 10/13/2008 3:32:06 PM
Author:PilsnPinkysMom
I''m sure this has been hashed out before, but whyyyy do we drive ourselves crazy with this stuff?

I ''found'' a bunch of signs indicating BF was on the verge of a proposal, or had at least purchased a ring... And now I''m doubting it. He just had a little money talk with me about which debt deserved his soon-to-be-dispersed bonus from work.. Student loans, car payments, or mattress payments. He seemed to be stressing a bit over it. I can''t imagine him taking on debt over a ring if he''s worried about other ''debts''... And clearly he''s not using his bonus to pay for some bling.

Perhaps I was making too much out of the ''signs'' that I saw earlier. Those gosh darn hopes of mine. Seems like he was just checking out prices or styles or something of the sort.

So a question: Why do all of you want to be engaged? What is it about the engagement? The ring? Wedding planning? I know that I''m just excited to initiate the ''rest of my life'' with BF, but at the same time, I feel like I''m so fixated on a RING and I wish I wasn''t

It shouldn''t be about jewelry, but I feel like that''s what I''m waiting for. Why can''t he just PROPOSE sans gemstone? :sigh:

Sorry for the vent. Hope everyone is having a fab day.

I have a couple responses. On the talk he just had with you: don''t get your hopes up, but I have known many a man who deliberately tried to trick his intended to believing that an engagement is not coming soon, just so the lady would be properly surprised. This actually backfired on my friend''s now fiance when he proposed, and my friend told him, "No, no, no! You said you''re not ready to get engaged yet!" He finally convinced her it was the real thing, and she accepted the ring

.

On the debt thing: under no circumstances, especially in an economy like today''s, should your man go into debt for the ring. With all those other important debts, it is not worth it. Most PSers will agree that you should only buy the jewelry you can afford to pay cash for.

On the engagement anxiety: I think there are girls who care mostly about the ring, but most people would accept a Cracker Jack ring (maybe even engraved at Tiffany''s a la Holly Golightly) if it meant they got to marry the love of their lives sooner. In my case, I wanted to get engaged so we could be closer to beginning our new life together. I didn''t see the point of waiting ''til things were "perfect," since I know that nothing is ever perfect, and I was ready to make the commitment to my now-fiance. I had my own set of anxieties about the ring, but it mostly came from not being in on the selection process. Although it''s absolutely beautiful and a wonderful reminder of FI''s love for me, the ring wasn''t much of a part of my desire to be engaged.

 

[BabyBrown]

So a question: Why do all of you want to be engaged?
I want to be official. I see the engagement as a statement to the world, friends and family that he has the right intentions to do right by me. It also shows people that I''m not a pin cushion (lol) or whatever they think when we''re out and about. I also see it as an important step before we live together.

What is it about the engagement? The ring? Wedding planning?
Like I said before, the engagement is a statement to the world and to me the ring is symbolic of that statement. The ring visually answers the question before anyone even asks :Are they together? Yes We Are!!!

I plan on having a long engagement (since we are in grad school) and want to wait until we''re done. So I''m really not even thinking about the wedding planning.

I feel like I''m so fixated on a RING and I wish I wasn''t It shouldn''t be about jewelry, but I feel like that''s what I''m waiting for.
Girl that''s what I''m waiting for too! I don''t care how that sounds, but that''s how I feel! I had some ''dragon ladies'' attacking me on here earlier, because the ring means or symbolizes different things for all of us. To me... that means that we''re able to move to the next stage, move in together and make a statement to the world...so naturally anything that might hold up the process is devastating to me (regardless of what the dragon ladies

think)

LOL

Best of luck girl!!!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Why do all of you want to be engaged? I want to be engaged to my BF because I believe that he is my soul''s mate.

I believe that he has seen me at my best and at my worst and loves me just the same.

I want to be engaged to him because more than anything, I want to be MARRIED to him.

What is it about the engagement? The ring? Wedding planning? I honestly don''t care about the ring. Of course, I would love a beautiful rock (and I believe that my BF will present me with something completely amazing), however, I''ve even thought about proposing to him because I just really want to be that much closer to actually MARRYING the love of my life. The ring is simply an external symbol (albeit a BEAUTIFUL symbol!) of our commitment to actually be MARRIED to each other. The wedding planning doesn''t stress me out, I think both BF and I agree that we want something smaller and definitely away on a beach somewhere.

I feel like I''m so fixated on a RING and I wish I wasn''t It shouldn''t be about jewelry, but I feel like that''s what I''m waiting for. The reason you feel this way is because you ARE waiting for the RING! We all are. Like I stated earlier, I''ve thought about proposing to him, but that would definitely take the moment away from HIM. Buying a ring, and presenting it to the woman that you are asking to grow old with you is such a momentous occasion for a man (and rightly so!). The wedding day is the BRIDE''s day, but the proposal, is all HIS.

Don''t get me wrong, I absolutely fixate on the ring as well. I want to marry this man and in order to do so, we must be engaged. He refuses to propose without a ring...so I sit and wait and try to hint at rings I like and don''t like (a VERY unwelcome tactic)...and I wait.

But honestly, there is no better place to wait than right here along with all the other women who are also in a perpetual state of suspense.