Why is everyone engaged but me?

[hurt and ringless]

Ok so I know that''s probably not true but I just spent 20 minutes crying anyway because it feels like it. My roommate from college just got engaged, she''s been dating her boyfriend as long as I have been with mine (3 1/2 years), and we just graduated. My boyfriend is three years older than me, we are living together, we both have jobs, we''re saving money for a new apartment next year, we''re talking about getting a cat and planning to have Thanksgiving with his family this year... and my roommate and her boyfriend are living and working in different states. That doesn''t make sense to me. I have friends from college who just got engaged last month and have only been together for 8 months. I probably sound like the worst, most jealous person on earth - but it hurts because I don''t understand why I''m still waiting. All I can do is pray he''s been planning something for when we go away to a resort next weekend... except either I''m oblivious or he''s not left any evidence he''s even thought about engagement. No bills, no hints, no nervousness, nothing. I''m a wreck - how can I stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and start acting like an adult and just be happy for my friends?

 

[BabyBrown]

Hey BabyGirl...

I was feeling the same way a few days ago, and I asked :

Hello Ladies in Waiting,

I need your advice...okay, so I''m trying to stay calm and not drive myself crazy during the waiting stage... BUT it seems that every time I turn around, there are people that I know (friends, family, associates) that are getting engaged. I am truly happy for them, but I want to know from the other ladies in waiting...how do you keep your mind off of an impending proposal, when everyone around you is getting engaged and throwing engagement parties???

I have been doing well, focusing on positive things, working on myself... but it''s still getting to me, what should I do???

They answered:
You sit back and enjoy the relationship you''re in right now...you''re courting, and that''s very special...you''re setting the foundation for the rest to follow.

I just concentrated on my FI and me and on getting to a place where we were ready. Also..I ring-shopped a lot.

That''s a very good question and something that will always be a struggle either until he proposes or you decide to go separate ways. This past year, I attended 7 weddings (was maid of honor in my best friend''s and bridesmaid in 2 others). It was especially difficult trying not to think about it when my brother, who started dating his wife 2 weeks before my FF and I started dating, got engaged and married in the amount of time that we''ve been together. Here are a few things that help me keep perspective:
1) Journal - I like to write about my thoughts and hopes for our relationship. This helps me process my excitement and anxieties.
2) Spend Quality time with friends - I make it a point to see at least two good friends one-on-one each week.
3) Hobbies - pick up a hobby that you haven''t done in a long time or have really been wanting to do. This helps keep you grounded, motivated, and gives FF space and time he needs to do his own things.
4) Read a good book on marriage and focus on a few areas that you can work on now to prepare the healthy sacrifices of marriage.
5) Remember to simply enjoy each moment together and be grateful! My FF and I have a saying that if either of us takes the other for granted, than we are not worthy of the other.

So, be happy for those moving on to that next step. Celebrate with them and enjoy the excitement of hope for your future with an open heart and gratitude for this special time of dating.

Best wishes in the meantime!

******

I mean I love the fact that these great ladies gave me some great advice... just this past weekend I was invited to an engagement party and my SO''s brother just proposed to his girl... I guess I feel okay, because I know that my time is coming soon... I feel your pain baby girl...

I''m here with you...

I hope you feel better soon

 

[miss_flo]

It''s not a race. It''s not a race. It''s not a race.

I have to repeat that to myself every time we get "lapped" by a shorter term, or younger, or less prepared couple. All of our friends are mutual so we''ve been to so many weddings and caught so many bouquets/boutonnières that I''ve lost track.

With that said, I can definitely say I empathize with you and I''m sending a lot of good thoughts, karma, engagement dust your way. You''re both clearly ready for the commitment, it''s just a matter of playing the waiting game now. Welcome to the club of anxious LIW''s - we''re here to support you because we''re going through the exact same thing

 

[jcarlylew82]

hey hun
- i know right now it seems like everyone is getting engaged, i feel it too (my stylist, my cowork, my friends cousin ;p). Have you talked to your guy about what expectations (not to be seen as rules, but what are you both expecting) regarding the future? i know that with my guy, he wanted EVERYTHING to be a surpise. well, i am too anal for that, so we decided that i would be included in the ring process. But that wasnt enough for me. i was really dead set on getting time frame. well, he gave me one, but i doubt it really is as long as he said (6-12 months) but it was enough to tie me over (for now!).
Honestly my fear stemmed from even though he said marriage is what he wanted, for his lack of planning skills, i was afraid it would never happen, and i would have to do everything myself. He just didnt want to be pressured.

i hope that you will feel better soon - i know its very tough but know that you can vent here, and that you are not alone!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Babybrown actually quoted my advice to her...which, I really appreciate...I told her that she needed to just enjoy the relationship she has now, that''s she''s courting and laying the foundation...

Hurt and Ringless...you cannot judge your relationship or hold it up against anyone elses. It''s not fair to you, and it''s not fair to the other couple. Every relationship is different.

Have you even discussed marriage with your boyfriend? Does he know what your expectations are?

A lot of LIW have found it helpful to have a serious heart to heart with their SO''s and set a timeline or at least begin open dialog about "the future".

I am sure you feel lapped, or at least like you''re behind the 8 ball. But the thing is, what you have *right now* is a wonderful, wonderful beautiful thing. You''re in a healthy, committed, stable relationship with a man who loves you. You need to take the focus off getting a ring, and put it back on the here and now, and all the good things you have with your SO. Someday you''ll probably get engaged, then married, then have children...and you''ll look back on this time of your life and think "wow, it was so simple and good and it went so fast, I''d love to just go back and enjoy that time again when things were so simple". It''s much like being a kid and wanting to grow up...you just cannot stand it a moment longer...then, one day you are grown up with bills and responsibilites and a job, and being a kid again doesn''t look soooo bad.

I hope you find a way to be happy and focus on the good things you DO have instead of being miserable over what you don''t. Big hugs!

 

[diamondfan]

It is not about getting is sooner, it is about it being right!!

Also, it is like when you want a baby and everyone seems to be hugely pregnant around you. You are in a state of awareness, if you were not in the frame of mind to get engaged you would likely not notice or care. It will happen, no worries.

 

[Carrots]

3.5 years is no time at all. my friend and his man were together for 10yrs before he got a clue.

 

[iheartscience]

Have you talked to him about getting engaged and married? That should be your first step if you haven''t!

A lot of guys just don''t seem to even think about getting engaged and married until their girlfriends bring it up. Once you''ve communicated clearly to him that you want to get engaged and he agrees that he''s ready, *then* you can start getting impatient!

 

[kittybean]

Date: 10/23/2008 1:07:23 AM
Author: thing2of2
Have you talked to him about getting engaged and married? That should be your first step if you haven''t!

A lot of guys just don''t seem to even think about getting engaged and married until their girlfriends bring it up. Once you''ve communicated clearly to him that you want to get engaged and he agrees that he''s ready, *then* you can start getting impatient!

This is so true!

Soon after we got engaged, I asked my fiance how long he would''ve waited to propose had I not brought up the topic and indicated how important marriage was to me (I had been initiating discussions about getting engaged for about ten months before he proposed). He told me he would''ve waited another year to year and a half--an eternity in my book! I am so glad I was (cautiously) honest with him about my feelings; he was then able to take them into account, and we were able to work together in deciding when marriage would be right for us. Disclaimer: I did not reveal to him the full extent of my LIW neurosis

.

 

[bobbin]

Not everyone is engaged

I can count at least 125 others who aren't

Just kidding, I understand that it can be tough to see others get engaged. A casual acquaintance of ours got engaged to his girlfriend of seven months in May, and it hit me pretty hard, made me kind of crazy for a bit, but I calmed down eventually!

 

[supergirl10]

yep totally been here and it hurts like hell!!!!

first his cousin got engaged and he told me he was "jelous", then my younger sister got engaged to her bf of 5mths. I was bawling for days and days, i reason why did she get to be engaged when i had been waiting for ages and been with SO 4.5yrs. I went off and he suffered my rage for quite a few hours. I was ranting bout how sisters new FI loved her so much and wanted to be with her THAT much that he couldn''t wait to marry her and what had i done wrong that he didn''t want to marry me etc. Looking back i am supremely unrproud of my behaviour but there was one upside. He saw how deeply his holding off (with no logical reason) was effecting me and how much it truly meant to me to be engaged to him and for him to take that leap.

He ended up confessing that he was planning to do it in about a fortnight and what his plans were and he told me about his plans for the design of the ring, he thought it would make me feel better and calm me down. So not only did i act like a totally psycho ibut ruined his suprise!

I am happy to report to you (as encouragement only) that we got engaged about 2months later, the wait was long and nerve racking but it calmed me heaps knowing it WAS gonna happen soon.

I hope i don''t offend anyone as that i certainly NOT my intention, nor am i bagging relationships that move fast but in my experience the ones that move fast, tend to end fast also as they are rushing into things. BTW sister has now broken her engaged when she found him cheating on her with numerous women. Turns out he was just trying to control her proposing and had little intention of actually marring her withing the next 4 years, if at all!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 10/22/2008 8:10:54 PM
Author:hurt and ringless
Ok so I know that''s probably not true but I just spent 20 minutes crying anyway because it feels like it. My roommate from college just got engaged, she''s been dating her boyfriend as long as I have been with mine (3 1/2 years), and we just graduated. My boyfriend is three years older than me, we are living together, we both have jobs, we''re saving money for a new apartment next year, we''re talking about getting a cat and planning to have Thanksgiving with his family this year... and my roommate and her boyfriend are living and working in different states. That doesn''t make sense to me. I have friends from college who just got engaged last month and have only been together for 8 months. I probably sound like the worst, most jealous person on earth - but it hurts because I don''t understand why I''m still waiting. All I can do is pray he''s been planning something for when we go away to a resort next weekend... except either I''m oblivious or he''s not left any evidence he''s even thought about engagement. No bills, no hints, no nervousness, nothing. I''m a wreck - how can I stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and start acting like an adult and just be happy for my friends?

A good start would probably be to TALK to your guy! If you can sit down and have an adult conversation with him about how you are feeling without getting super emotional he can probably make you feel a LOT better.

Talk to him about your future together and ask him if he sees you two taking the next step. DO NOT compare yourself to other relationships - as difficult as it is you have to accept that your time will come when it''s time. By talking to him, you may even be able to get a timeline so you won''t drive yourself completely crazy thinking every trip or hike is going to be it. Trust me, talking to your guy can save you heaps of hurt.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Date: 10/23/2008 11:13:01 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

Date: 10/22/2008 8:10:54 PM

Author:hurt and ringless

Ok so I know that''s probably not true but I just spent 20 minutes crying anyway because it feels like it. My roommate from college just got engaged, she''s been dating her boyfriend as long as I have been with mine (3 1/2 years), and we just graduated. My boyfriend is three years older than me, we are living together, we both have jobs, we''re saving money for a new apartment next year, we''re talking about getting a cat and planning to have Thanksgiving with his family this year... and my roommate and her boyfriend are living and working in different states. That doesn''t make sense to me. I have friends from college who just got engaged last month and have only been together for 8 months. I probably sound like the worst, most jealous person on earth - but it hurts because I don''t understand why I''m still waiting. All I can do is pray he''s been planning something for when we go away to a resort next weekend... except either I''m oblivious or he''s not left any evidence he''s even thought about engagement. No bills, no hints, no nervousness, nothing. I''m a wreck - how can I stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and start acting like an adult and just be happy for my friends?

A good start would probably be to TALK to your guy! If you can sit down and have an adult conversation with him about how you are feeling without getting super emotional he can probably make you feel a LOT better.


Talk to him about your future together and ask him if he sees you two taking the next step. DO NOT compare yourself to other relationships - as difficult as it is you have to accept that your time will come when it''s time. By talking to him, you may even be able to get a timeline so you won''t drive yourself completely crazy thinking every trip or hike is going to be it. Trust me, talking to your guy can save you heaps of hurt.

I agree H&R! I went through something similar over the summer and I lashed out as my SO because I didnt know what to do with these emotions of self pity and jealousy. The best thing to do is talk.. TALK TALK TALK. Dont push anything - but explain that its upset you and you''d like to find some comfort. Like so many posts have said - you cant compare your relationship to any other. Everyone progresses (digresses) at different levels. A relationship is even harder! Up until this point you''ve grown as an individual - everyone progresses differently in kindergarten, grammar school, high school, college/career... and thats all on an individual level. Now you have another person involved and you both have to figure out where you stand before your relationship progresses more. Some relationships are made up of two people who jump into the cold water without a second thought and Im sure these are the people who get engaged after months of dating. Other relationship are comprised of two individuals who need to take big life changes slowly, plan out ever last detail, etc, and they may not get engaged for years upon years. Then you have to consider that its not always two like people in one relationship. Imagine someone who''s biting at the bit to progress matched up with a planner or someone who just hasn''t seriously considered themselves getting engaged or married. Of course these are only two simplified personas that I''m depicting. (SORRY IF THAT WENT ON TOO LONG

) Anyway- point being.. try your hardest not to compare. I know my SO and I aren''t like any other couples we know that have gotten engaged. You need to talk about you and him and what the two of you want to happen in the future as part of a whole. Not if you want what this relationship currently has or what this relationship is moving towards because youre not in those relationships and those people aren''t in yours. I hope that helps sweetheart! Keep your chin up

 

[Haven]

H&R--I''m going to echo the advice to talk to your SO. He is the only one who can really answer your question for you, and I''d bet his answer will be a comfort to you.
And just for a bit of perspective, it sounds like you are rather young if you recently graduated from college. While you may feel surrounded by newly-engaged couples, my guess is that most people your age are not even thinking about marriage. Life is in diapers for you! You have a lot of time to enjoy your SO, and get married, and build a life together.

I love DFan''s words--it''s not about getting the ring, it''s about getting it right. So true.

Good luck!

 

[hurt and ringless]

I have talked to my boyfriend before about this, actually last month when one of my other friends got engaged. Then the other night, after I wrote the last message here and he got home, I''d calmed myself down by then and had been reading a book, and apparently he just knows me wayyyyy too well and still could tell something was wrong, so he asked me to spill - and I did. I just said, "my roommate from college just got engaged, and it''s really bothering me - I''m really jealous like I was last time this happened and I don''t want to be - I just really want to get married to you someday" and he hugged me and told me to stop worrying. I asked why, and he said because I shouldn''t, and he wants to be with me forever too and get married. His most common response is "don''t worry" whenever we talk about it - he always says that and I never understand why. Then I always ask why to see if he''ll say something different, but he doesn''t - it''s always "just because you shouldn''t". We''ve talked about the future a ton, we do want to get married, we''re moving into a bigger place next summer and are planning to adopt a kitten after we move since we''ll finally have room for a pet. I''m still a bit jealous, but I''m getting better, and hoping that if he''s planning on surprising me and picking the ring himself, it''s a pretty one. (Like princess cut with diamond accents on the band set in white gold.) I don''t know, I just can''t tell what he thinks sometimes - is he really planning something? What on earth does "don''t worry" mean?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/25/2008 1:26:33 PM
Author: hurt and ringless
I have talked to my boyfriend before about this, actually last month when one of my other friends got engaged. Then the other night, after I wrote the last message here and he got home, I''d calmed myself down by then and had been reading a book, and apparently he just knows me wayyyyy too well and still could tell something was wrong, so he asked me to spill - and I did. I just said, ''my roommate from college just got engaged, and it''s really bothering me - I''m really jealous like I was last time this happened and I don''t want to be - I just really want to get married to you someday'' and he hugged me and told me to stop worrying. I asked why, and he said because I shouldn''t, and he wants to be with me forever too and get married. His most common response is ''don''t worry'' whenever we talk about it - he always says that and I never understand why. Then I always ask why to see if he''ll say something different, but he doesn''t - it''s always ''just because you shouldn''t''. We''ve talked about the future a ton, we do want to get married, we''re moving into a bigger place next summer and are planning to adopt a kitten after we move since we''ll finally have room for a pet. I''m still a bit jealous, but I''m getting better, and hoping that if he''s planning on surprising me and picking the ring himself, it''s a pretty one. (Like princess cut with diamond accents on the band set in white gold.) I don''t know, I just can''t tell what he thinks sometimes - is he really planning something? What on earth does ''don''t worry'' mean?

Boy speak, who knows what they mean! Have you tried telling him that you''d really like to have more of a conversation about it when you aren''t upset, so you guys can make sure you are on the same page? I think that might really help. There''s a big difference between mutually agreeing to talk about it when neither of you is upset and talking about it when you are crying and clearly upset ya know?

 

[hurt and ringless]

Quite true. Thanks!! Definitely will do... plus I''ve been meaning to ask him if I can help pick out the ring or at least give him an idea of what I like, anyway!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 10/22/2008 9:48:22 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Babybrown actually quoted my advice to her...which, I really appreciate...I told her that she needed to just enjoy the relationship she has now, that's she's courting and laying the foundation...


Hurt and Ringless...you cannot judge your relationship or hold it up against anyone elses. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the other couple. Every relationship is different.


Have you even discussed marriage with your boyfriend? Does he know what your expectations are?


A lot of LIW have found it helpful to have a serious heart to heart with their SO's and set a timeline or at least begin open dialog about 'the future'.

WARNING! THIS POST is not necessarily related to the OP's situation!!!

Italia, your post was very soothing, and patience can be important if the guy is right. But I feel it can be entirely natural to be impatient, or perhaps a little anxious, about what the future holds, if the relationship is not moving in the direction that you, even subconsciously, had been dreaming of.

Some women (like me) find it difficult to live with an uncertain future, particularly when it comes to love, babies and family life...
I'm not 100 percent sure (although willing to be convinced) that it is okay for society to make a girl feel guilty for wanting to get married.

My overwhelming romantic memory from my single days is guilt - guilt that I wanted to get married, when the men around me did not. Why be so demanding and pushy? Why not be fun and single? In actual fact, it was more that I was in the wrong crowd... but I never considered that perhaps I might be right, and my friends might be wrong.

(This does not seem to relate to the OP's situation, by the way, I'm just chatting!!)

I totally agree with you that it doesn't really help to rush it for the sake of speed alone!

But... there are two individuals in a relationship, and I don't NECESSARILY think that a woman's impatience is a sign of anything but that she has a brain in her own head.

In the OP's case, though, it sounds like everything's on the right track!! If she's spoken to him clearly and directly, and he's responded clearly and directly, I guess she better consign her worries to the psychological North Pole to freeze!!

Best of luck, (currently) Ringless!!

 

[mjohnson]

I know it''s frustrating but it''s not true that everyone is engaged. It just looks that way because it''s what you feel you''re missing. It''s like a bald guy who walks into a room and all he sees is hair, or the woman who has trouble conceiving and all she sees is babies.

Just hang in there and take the time to enjoy where you are now.

 

[gladyskristen]

Hi,

I''ve been with SO for more than 5 years and we''re still not engaged (although I THINK he''s planning a proposal). I just keep seeing other people get engaged, some after just being together for half a year. I know the feeling sucks, but whenever I feel down, I just tell myself that at least I''m with SO and not someone else, cos he''s the best man for me and we''ll eventually be engaged.

 

[MissDimity]

Hi All,

I''m also in the same position. We the last or close to second last couple out of all my bf''s friends to get engaged/ married. We have attended 5 weddings this year. Some have been even going out for a shorter period of time, including his brother who just got married last weekend.

And then... finally he buys an ering 4 weeks ago (no proposal yet), and then after his brother''s wedding my bf''s mother ( my future MIL), says in response to all his family saying he should be next, they she would like at least a 2 year break to recover from his brother''s wedding..

Two years.... arrrhhh!

We have been together 3.5 years, living together 3 years.

I''m 26 his 33, does she not want us to get married???

Feeling very depressed...