Why is he upset?

[Sunshinegirl77]

I feel lost and don''t understand about B''s behaviour. Last night we went to my daughter''s open house to meet her teachers. In her homeroom her teacher asked if the guy with me was her father. B spoke up and said he was my BF. The teacher looked at him and said "oh, family friend". We live in a semi-conservative area. When we were changing classes B made a little joke to me about knowing i wanted to say he is my FI. The rest of the evening when asked his relationship to my daughter i took a cue from the homeroom teacher and used the "family" friend. I started to think about it and felt that it was appropriate. He is my BF and just someone that lives with my daughter. He is now upsaet that i continued to use the "family friend" thing. I don''t understand why he is upset as he is the one dragging his feet on this engagement? He has had the ring for 3 months. He knew before I moved 800 miles that I was expecting it. I know it will happen at some point, for he even has put me on his life insurance. That has to say something. Just sitting here confused on his reaction.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Perhaps because he has the intention to propose, and so he feels the "family friend" part is uncalled for. Maybe you need to remind him that until there''s a ring on your finger, that''s how the school will recognize him.

 

[tlh]

"family friend" sounds pretty minimizing. It is like when I used to say... no he''s JUST a friend about my guy friends. THey were like.. HEY! what is so bad about having people think we''re an item... am I that bad? and I realized that my clarification was somewhat insulting. Because the person was not only my friend, but a darn good one... and I wondered why I hadn''t said that.

I think if you were looking for a term... "partner" could have worked. Because even though he is only your BF, and not something more, as you''d like it to be... he probably takes part in some of the child rearing... otherwise you wouldn''t want to marry him... so calling him a family friend really diminishes his role... and why he was there at all for the parent conferences.

I don''t think you meant anything by using that term, but obviously he is hurt.. and with good reason. I understand your side too... you''ve given up a lot for him, and he is still waiting on the proposal... and it all can be somewhat frustrating.

Hugs. I''m sure you''ll work through this little "label" error... though there is one way HE can correct it if he didn''t like the term others and you used... Fiancee or husband might sound better to him... and if he is holding up the proposal... this might be the little kick in the pants he needed.

 

[Patchee]

A family friend is totally acceptable in the situations yo u were in concerning your daughter.

And............... he is a family friend anyway. He lives with you and your daughter, hence family (U and your daughter) friend.

If he wants to eliminate the family friend/bf status then he best be proposing. I would have done/said the same thing!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

My take is that I can certainly understand why he was hurt, but in this instance and in our culture (which glosses over certain issues around children), it seems reasonable to use this gently obtuse term. One might be kind-hearted, patient, and open about living together before marriage, but that doesn't mean that the most conservative institutions in our society are.

Sure, it's a bit old-school, but what did he expect from someone who works with children all day before he takes the steps to give the relationship both legal and social standing?

In essence, teacher just called him out and told him to man-up! Hee hee, Sunshinegirl, you just got an outsider to play "bad cop" for you, you lucky girl!

 

[princesss]

It can sting a bit when you know how serious your relationship is, but it's not being recognized. While it's TRUE, it's hard sometimes to realize that nobody takes your relationship as seriously as you do.

A week or two ago, BF got an invitation to his cousin's wedding, and I wasn't invited. Now, logically, it makes sense. They're having a wedding in NYC ($$$!), and they had to draw a line somewhere. We are not married, engaged, or living together. Logically, I know all of this. Emotionally, it stung to realize that other people don't recognize how serious our relationship is, or that we don't get the respect as a couple that we would if there was a ring or two on my finger. He's probably just going through the same thing, only a little worse because he had to hear *you* say it. It's very true, he is (at this point) just a family friend. However, hearing you call him that probably hurt, because it's like you saying your relationship isn't serious instead of somebody outside of the relationship saying it.

A word that works well for me is "partner." I use it in formal situations when I need to give a little more weight to our relationship (like filling out emergency contact forms at work/in the hospital).

 

[Nomsdeplume]

The only reason why he would be upset is if he thought you continued using the term specifically to hurt him or to make a point about him not proposing.
The best thing to do is to explain that you simply thought it would be easier and would require less explaining.

 

[LilyKat]

Honestly, I think it was inappropriate for the teacher to say "Oh, family friend" once you''d introduced him as your boyfriend. Who is she (or he) to redefine your relationships for you? I would probably have given him/her a funny look, and repeated "No, not a family friend, this is my PARTNER."

I would have an honest talk with your boyfriend about exactly what''s bothering him. Is it that other people don''t see your relationship as being as valid as that of a married/engaged couple (in which case, he knows what to do to change that...), or that he felt you in some way colluded with this by going along with it? That you seemed in some way ashamed of your relationship? (as he sees it).

I second the use of the word "partner" as being more serious and grown-up than "boyfriend" in official and parental situations, so maybe that would help in future.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/28/2009 5:24:18 PM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly, I think it was inappropriate for the teacher to say ''Oh, family friend'' once you''d introduced him as your boyfriend. Who is she (or he) to redefine your relationships for you? I would probably have given him/her a funny look, and repeated ''No, not a family friend, this is my PARTNER.''

I would have an honest talk with your boyfriend about exactly what''s bothering him. Is it that other people don''t see your relationship as being as valid as that of a married/engaged couple (in which case, he knows what to do to change that...), or that he felt you in some way colluded with this by going along with it? That you seemed in some way ashamed of your relationship? (as he sees it).

I second the use of the word ''partner'' as being more serious and grown-up than ''boyfriend'' in official and parental situations, so maybe that would help in future.

I agree but to be honest, if the shoe were on the the other foot how would you feel if your boyfriend started introducing you as a ''family friend'' - I''m guessing you wouldn''t be too impressed

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think it was inappropriate for the teacher to redefine his relationship (and I am a teacher). I think it is fine to call him your boyfriend until you are engaged. That''s what he is!

 

[Lozza]

I think that teacher was incredibly rude. She asked if he was the child''s father. Even if he was your fiance or husband, he would still not be the child''s father, so really your relationship status is irrelevant to her question. HOWEVER, she may not have realised you live together and that he is involved with raising your child, so like the others have suggested partner may be a better word to describe him.

Anyway, in my mind, a couple who live together, share finances and share in the raising of a child are committed to each other, and a ring doesn''t change that. Perhaps he feels the same way, and was upset or hurt that you seemed to agree with the teacher on this than stick up for him.

None the less, we can speculate here about why he''s upset, but ultimately you need to speak to him to resolve it. Good Luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

I think it''s totally self involved for him to be pouting and whining when he could have fixed that entire issue with four little words.


WILL YOU MARRY ME


He sounds like a little kid "I wanna be more, it''s all about meeeeee".

 

[gwendolyn]

What a strange scenario. Seems very odd that the teacher would pry into your status as a couple (I too am a teacher and do not consider the marital status of my students' parents to be any concern of mine). I can also understand why your boyfriend wasn't pleased with the term "family friend," as that has a definite platonic connotation (at least to me) and therefore suggests that he has no serious intentions and is "just" a friend, which belittles any feelings you may have for each other.

Just because he has not yet proposed means nothing--does he not still deserve respect for what he means to you, and because he intends to make you his wife and has even bought the ring already? I tend to get rather defensive on the part of the boyfriends who hold onto rings for longer than a week because they are probably planning some sweet and thoughtful proposal, or waiting for a special occasion or date. Yet they often receive blame for waiting (as you have said, it's been 3 months and he is "dragging his feet"), but these same guys would run the risk of an outwardly less romantic proposal if they were to propose with no sentimental plan. And with so much pressure on them to make the proposal perfect, romantic, and a good story to tell others, it may take them time to figure out how to do it. But no matter what they choose, it seems they cannot win! I do not envy them their position.

Regardless, I too would have hurt feelings if I was planning to ask a woman to marry me who then referred to me merely as a "family friend." The family friends in my family are all my parents' age and treat me like a child since they have known me my whole life. That is not how I would want a romantic partner to think of me.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/29/2009 1:32:58 PM
Author: gwendolyn
What a strange scenario. Seems very odd that the teacher would pry into your status as a couple (I too am a teacher and do not consider the marital status of my students'' parents to be any concern of mine). I can also understand why your boyfriend wasn''t pleased with the term ''family friend,'' as that has a definite platonic connotation (at least to me) and therefore suggests that he has no serious intentions and is ''just'' a friend, which belittles any feelings you may have for each other.

Just because he has not yet proposed means nothing--does he not still deserve respect for what he means to you, and because he intends to make you his wife and has even bought the ring already? I tend to get rather defensive on the part of the boyfriends who hold onto rings for longer than a week because they are probably planning some sweet and thoughtful proposal, or waiting for a special occasion or date. Yet they often receive blame for waiting (as you have said, it''s been 3 months and he is ''dragging his feet''), but these same guys would run the risk of an outwardly less romantic proposal if they were to propose with no sentimental plan. And with so much pressure on them to make the proposal perfect, romantic, and a good story to tell others, it may take them time to figure out how to do it. But no matter what they choose, it seems they cannot win! I do not envy them their position.

Regardless, I too would have hurt feelings if I was planning to ask a woman to marry me who then referred to me merely as a ''family friend.'' The family friends in my family are all my parents'' age and treat me like a child since they have known me my whole life. That is not how I would want a romantic partner to think of me.

Great post - very well said Gwen

 

[allycat0303]

Agree completely with PP.

I would probably delight in calling my BF a family friend if he was dragging his feet on proposing. Actually, I would probably start referring him to people as "my friend" plain and simple. He knew you were expecting the ring, and hasn''t given it to you. I don''t know, I''m pretty much, what''s good enough for him is good enough for me. He''s not upset or confused that you moved 800 miles and were expecting a ring. Show the same consideration to him.

 

[ts44]

Here is what I would do. Number one, sit down with him and acknowledge that it was inappropriate of the teacher to redefine his relationship with you. Number two, tell him you were caught up in the moment and the teacher''s very conservative response caught you off-guard and your first concern was not to rock the boat for your daughter, so you just went with it (whether this is the case or not, it is the most diplomatic reason to continue to do so). Number three, be the bigger person and apologize for continuing to use the term "family friend" at the event, as clearly it upset him and that was never your intention.

I do not agree with continuing to use it as a "jab" at him for not proposing yet. A relationship is built on trust and kindness, not selfish children''s games.

 

[allycat0303]

I think it''s selfish to have a woman move 800 miles away from her family, and then buy a ring and keep it for 3 months without proposing. And then throw a hissy fit because a woman with a daughter refers to their relationship in a way that doesn''t suit him.

But that''s just my *selfish-children''s-game* mentality of thinking.

 

[ts44]

Nobody forced her to move 800 miles away, she made that choice. A tough choice, to be sure, but still a choice. She knows he is going to propose, she knows he has the ring, and understandably is impatient, but...it will not happen any faster by needling and teasing. I am sorry that you took my comment personally allycat, I did not mean it to be directed at you in particular.

Also, Sunshinegirl77, I want you to know that I''m speaking from the position of somebody whose fiance had the ring, and did not propose immediately. There are women on this forum who waited for over a year while their fiances had the ring and did not propose. Who is to say what time frame is right for him? He may have something absolutely perfect in mind that takes time to put together, or he may just be waiting for the crystalline right moment. Trust him, and smile, because in purchasing a ring for you he has already expressed his love for you and your daughter and taken the first step to forever.