Why isn''t he dying to Marry Me???

[berry922]

My story is this...I have been w/ my bf for almost 6.5 yrs now. I am 24 and he is 26, for most of the 6 yrs I was sure he was the one I wanted to be with forever. However about a yr ago, I started to have doubts. I ended up breaking up with him, it took 1 month for me to realize I had made a terrible mistake, and he was in fact the one I want to be with FOREVER.

This is what I don''t understand, for that month he was obsessed! He would come to my house and not leave until I would talk to him, he would sit there and clean my car and cry at the door, he would leave me gifts and notes. He basically could not live w/out me, and I''m not saying that to be mean, but that was how he was acting! Once we got back together, from that moment on I knew I wanted to marry him, and I was positive he felt the same!

Now almost a year later, nothing! Why? When just a year ago he was so persistent that we were meant for each other!

The last couple of months have not been pretty! I have been dropping hints left and right, but nothing! I am starting to make myself physically sick. I am having frequent anxiety attacks, and prior to this I had never had trouble sleeping and now all of a sudden, I can''t sleep! I am also starting to resent him! I don''t want this to ruin our relationship, but I don''t know how to deal with the physical symptoms I am experiencing!

HELP!

 

[nytemist]

I''m sorry you are feeling so bad! We all can feel for you... a lot of us being in the same situation.

What learned in my own experience is that you must sit down and talk, saying specifically what you want and getting a direct answer out of him where your relationship is going. If he says he wants marriage, don''t be afraid to ask him when. If he says ''no, I don''t see us married but I want to be with you'', the you have to decide if that''s something you can handle. Be clear that you want marriage.

I realize that I don''t know you or him, but what I''ve seen happen is this- one person wants committment, the other waffles on it. They spend time apart. All of a sudden the waffler doesn''t like the change and will do so much to make get the other person back. They get back together and waffler goes back to thinking everything is fine.

I read this a long time ago when I was in the ''will this ever happen'' stage. If the other person thinks you will accept less than marriage, they won''t be motivated to make it happen. If marriage is what you want, have this direct conversation and then make a deadline for yourself of how long you are willing wait.

 

[Mara]

nytemist is right. it's all about expectations.

he already knows he doesn't want to live without you. now how does that translate in he wants to be forever with you.

communication is very key. sit him down and tell him how you feel straight out. tell him that you can't continue on like this and that you are starting to have resentful feelings. tell him you are confused as to why a year ago he was obviously not willing to be without you, but now he is not making any steps for your future together.

many times we assume (and sometimes vice versa) that our partner knows what we are thinking, and that's not the case! neither of you are psychic. so you have to actually speak the words, even though it might be hard to have 'that discussion' about your relationship. make it non-threatening but lay your cards out on the table.

when i did it with my now husband, i said well look, its been 1.5 years now, i'm thinking about the future. he was still thinking well aren't we still 'just having fun'. i was frank, i said you know, i know you are the one i want to be with forever, i can see us growing old together. do you feel the same? if not, then you have to let me know and we have to be apart, because i'm not going to spend time with someone who is not on the same page as i am and waste years of my life hoping. so you have 6 months to figure out if i am the one for you, doesn't even need to be a proposal at the end of 6 months, but there has to be progress. i don't feel it's unfair to give you 6 months to say 'yes you are the one for me and lets take steps for our future together'. he agreed with me, i said we would not discuss the whole thing again (most men hate when you keep having relationship discussions!!) and he could just let me know what he thought when it was time. then we just went about life as it already was. i thought about it sometimes and would ask him 'are you thinking about what we talked about' and he'd say 'yes i am' and i felt okay with that.

YES i loved him and yes the thought of life without him was painful. but i knew i could do it and i was not going to hang around a few more years just hoping that things would happen. that's not my personality and i'd rather be alone than waiting and bitter for someone to figure out that i was the one for them. he knows that about me, and so within 6 months he had not only decided i was the one, but proposed and we had moved in together. we were married 1.5 years later and now we're in our third year of marriage. after we got engaged, he was the giddiest man ever! it was really funny to watch the transition from 'apprehensive to take such a life changing step' to 'this is really the right decision and i'm happy'.

in any case, communication and honesty is key, as well as being able to know that you can put your money where your mouth is. if you tell him you won't wait around forever, MEAN IT. because he will see right through you if you are bluffing and you don't want to be in that position. i agree that if the men think you are fine with the way things are now, they won't always take active steps to change it. why break what's fixed kind of thing.

anyway good luck!! and hang in there. but you have to take frank, honest steps towards your future with him, don't expect that dropping hints or whatever is getting through to him.

 

[KristyDarling]

Nytemist and Mara have given you such great advice, I have nothing to add. Most men really do need a nudge, an ultimatum...Mara''s idea of 6 months for him to make a decision is quite fair and reasonable. Best of luck!

 

[aquarius_ser]

I don''t have much to add to the above posts, they are both correct.

When you tak to him, be firm and remember that you DESERVE to get what you want - A COMMITMENT OF MARRIAGE!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Well...this sounds familiar to me. The crying and the tears and the I love you''s. However, I also gave him a timeline of 6 months or I am leaving. Can you give him some clues and a timeline and can you make do with waiting? You have to decide if you can.

If you are making yourself physically sick than you have to calm down. Men are not the most observant people in the world...

LOL but you should talk to him and say listen this is how I feel and I cannot go against my better morals and values if you dont feel the same or are on the same page by (enter a date) then I have to leave. STICK TO IT!

If you still are not feeling better I would suggest seeing a doctor for anxiety.

Hope that helps keep us posted!

 

[tdiddy]

ditto to what Mara said.

i think the key is that you have to find a way to issue an "ultimatum" without being pushy about it or constantly making it a topic of conversation after the timeline is set (I have friends that would pretty much bring it up at every dinner party, outing, etc. in the company of a group of people when they decided it was "time" which clearly just ticked their BF off). giving him a decent period of time (aka. 6 months) is fair and very reasonable. and you have to be committed to the timeline as well.

good luck!

 

[KristyDarling]

Yeah, I really think you yourself have to be committed to a timeline as well, and prepare yourself for either outcome. That means, start thinking in the back of your mind about the worst case scenarios, i.e. if you live together, have a plan for moving out or asking him to move out. Prepare yourself, brace yourself, and build up your strength for either outcome as it will be life-changing. Not to sound all doomsday, but I find that if you prepare yourself for the worst WHILE hoping for the best, you''re better equipped to deal with things.

Remember that you deserve happiness, and total committment from the man you marry. If it''s your BF, great! If it''s someone else, then you will move on and find happiness elsewhere. And I agree that you need to find a way to deal with your anxiety a bit better. Becoming physically sick over this is just not acceptab;e. Perhaps some counseling will help? Or confiding in a close friend?

 

[allycat0303]

Well I think that guys can go a little nuts when they are faced with the actual prospect of losing you, and they are going to go to extreme lengths to prove that you should give them another chance.

Once upon a time (I think 4-5 years ago), I broke up with my boyfriend. He lost 8 pounds in ONE WEEK because he was too upset to eat, and 2 sent me HUGE bouquets of blue roses. I think he called me about 30 times in one week even though I wasn''t taking his calls

. In any case, we got back together, and of course sometimes he takes me for granted and sometimes he''s a little moody because he''s tired. The point is that once they''ve gotten over crisis mode, they tend to revert back to more normal guy behavior.

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. He might hav been adament that you were meant to be together, but that doesn''t necessarily mean "married together" or "married together NOW" I think it''s important to clarify exactly what you are expecting and WHEN! I think men don''t necessarily get hints. If they did, no wife would ever recieve blender for her anniversary again

 

[anchor31]

I noticed that nowhere in your post you mentionned discussing marriage with him, or that he''s told you he wants to marry you. Yes, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but to a lot of men that doesn''t necessarily mean marriage. If you haven''t discussed this, it''s important that you do that before going to the ultimatum step. And don''t worry, discussing marriage doesn''t ruin the magic!

That said, welcome to PS!

 

[berry922]

Sorry Ladies, I guess I wasn''t clear enough in my first post!

We have talked marriage, and he is all for it! We have even discussed the date! The issue here, as shallow as it sounds, is the ring!!! Right now his business is slow, and I guess my problem is that I am upset he is not doing everything he can to buy me a ring! Instead of going out and doing side jobs or picking up another part time job, he spends his "free" time going fishing!!!
I am just so frustrated that we have discussed the marriage part and the only problem now is that he can''t afford a ring, or at least not the one he would like to get me! Which I could understand if he was working his butt off, and still coming up short! That is not the case and the fact that he is not putting effort into this, is driving me crazy! And I have even brought this up to him, and he still has no motivation! I know it all comes down to just being patient, but my problem is that I am physically not handling it well!
I think the other part of my problem, like I have mentioned b4 in previous posts, I lost my mom last year! So that could be a big part of why I am physically feeling the stress of this situation! I still have not dealt with that, and I think that this is just adding to the hurt that I feel! Maybe I am not making sense, all I know is that I can''t stand feeling this way!

I definitely think seeing a doctor about my anxiety, would be a good idea!

Thanks for all your support ladies, just finding this site has helped with some of my built up frustrations...

 

[ephemery1]

Berry, if the major concern is just the ring, have you thought about contributing to that cost at all? I don't think it's shallow to look forward to having a nice ring (within reason)... and I would be concerned if your boyfriend wasn't working at all and/or spending all his money on unnecessary, extravagent purchases. But I think I would feel guilty if my boyfriend were working extra jobs and sacrificing his free time solely to save up for MY ring, while I sat around waiting!

Have you talked about budget yet? Once you have mutually decided what you would like to spend, why don't you assess how much he has saved (or is planning to save) and then contribute to that in order to get the ring you want? Or he could agree to buy the stone, while you pay for the setting... there are lots of options!

Who knows... he could be more motivated if he knows you are working towards it together. Or he could be more motivated to do it all on his own if he is a traditional kind of guy and doesn't want you helping at all!

 

[berry922]

style="WIDTH: 95.24%; HEIGHT: 73px">Date: 8/25/2006 11:01:28 AM
Author: ephemery1
But I think I would feel guilty if my boyfriend were working extra jobs and sacrificing his free time solely to save up for MY ring, while I sat around waiting!

That is not it at all, I am not expecting him to work 70-80hrs a week! Right now he works 20-25 hrs a week! Work a normal 40hr week and I would be satisfied!
And I have said that I would give him money towards a ring, but he is very against that idea! So I know that is out of the question!

 

[bobacha]

I was in similar situation not too long ago.. well we''re both certain that we''re getting married, we''d agreed it''s gonna be in 2007 .. but I really REALLY wanted a ring to symbolize our commitment and kinda to show people that yes I''m engaged

It''s tiring to hear people''s comments that sounds like they feel sorry for me that I am still in an "unsure" state after 6 years. .. it''s even tougher for us since we''re a long distance couple. Some of my friends even suggested that I should be "looking" for someone new.. it''s just frustrating... I guess when I said that I had a boyfriend .. people just don''t think it''s serious..

Before he didn''t think an engagement ring is necessary. Moreover in our culture, we don''t really wear e-ring. He was thinking we would just get married when it’s time, in 2007 ( date to be discussed by our parents ).

But finally I made him understand that it’s very important to me for him to take the next step (i.e. get engaged ) NOW….

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 8/25/2006 11:33:09 AM
Author: berry922

style="WIDTH: 95.24%; HEIGHT: 73px">Date: 8/25/2006 11:01:28 AM
Author: ephemery1
But I think I would feel guilty if my boyfriend were working extra jobs and sacrificing his free time solely to save up for MY ring, while I sat around waiting!

That is not it at all, I am not expecting him to work 70-80hrs a week! Right now he works 20-25 hrs a week! Work a normal 40hr week and I would be satisfied!
And I have said that I would give him money towards a ring, but he is very against that idea! So I know that is out of the question!

Hmmm... thanks for clarifying... I can definitely see why that would be frustrating, and on a deeper level than just saving for a ring. It seems like something you may want to address before marriage comes along, since there will always be major purchases (houses, cars, etc.) to save for... it could end up being REALLY frustrating for you if he is content to work part-time while you are the one scrimping and saving to get the things you need. Or he may not be considering an e-ring an important purchase, in which case you may want to talk about that too!

If you haven't already, I think it is VERY important to have a conversation together about ring budget, to get a sense for what he has saved and/or how much he is expecting to save before making the purchase. At that point, you might be able to talk about some other options like paying for the setting on your own. He may respond better to having a serious, rational conversation, than he would to a random suggestion given in the heat of emotion. I know my fiance was VERY opposed to my contributing to the cost, or having anything to do with the ring at all, even when I said things like "ok, fine... can I just help pay for some of it then??"..... until we really sat down and talked about it, and he began to understand and respect my point of view.

 

[aquarius_ser]

So is the only thing holding him back from purchasing a ring is his financial situation? Why doesn''t he want you to contribute financially? He doesn''t believe in that? Can you insist on paying for half and explain why?


My FH could not afford the ring I wanted at the time I wanted it. But I was like you, getting impatient, etc, and I wanted it soon! He also did not want me to contribute because he didn''t think it was "right". I don''t know if it made him feel inadequate or what. I insisted on contributing. I took the lead on everything, setting up jeweler appts, paying for half of the ring, etc. But you know what, he''s happy, I''m happy, and I''ve had my ring 3 weeks now.