Wish me luck...

[amc80]

The bf and I are going down to my parents' place this weekend for my mom's bday. We are going to be sitting down with them and talking to them about our wedding plans. We aren't engaged (yet)- the ring will be ready in two weeks, so we are just waiting on that. Because of the type of wedding we want, we had to go ahead and start booking and putting down deposits. We were actually lucky to get the space we did, since normally we would have to book 12-18 months out. My mom is, um, high strung, to say the least. I told my bf that he needs to be sure to contribute to the conversation and make it clear this is his idea as much as mine, otherwise my mom will think it's all me and he's just along for the ride (or that I'm forcing him into it or something).

We plan on starting the conversation with "we know this is out of order, but it's sort of how we needed to do it to have what we want." I'm super organized and have a binder with all of the details, pictures, etc. I will show them the website as well, which they will get a kick out of.

One thing that we aren't clear on is how much (if any) they are going to contribute. If none, then we will still go ahead with our plans, but we will cut the guest list a lot. I'm not too worried since they were going to pay for my brother's wedding (he ended up eloping) and my stepdad paid for both of his daughters' weddings (like 20 years ago). I would honestly be shocked if they didn't want to help out.

We ideally would have waited to be engaged officially before having this conversation, but I'd rather have it in person than not, and they live 7 hours away. My goals are to 1) get them excited, 2) make my mom feel involved, and 3) find out if they want to contribute.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated, other than that, just wish me luck!

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi AMC! That sounds stressful - I'm sorry! *HUGS*

I'm sure they will help, but just in case, stick to the budget that you guys have carved out. I think it's great you have a binder prepared. If anything, it will help your mom realize you guys have put a lot of thought into this already and are very serious about your ideas and timing.

As for your mom, there are a ton of ways she can be involved! From helping to plan showers, going dress shopping with you, helping with invitations, etc. Definitely let her know you're open to her creative input. Later on, you can even build in a special mom-daughter bonding spa day or something, just to let her know how much you appreciate her.

At the end of the day, don't forget that your parents will be the happiest knowing that you are happy and getting everything that you want and deserve in life. This is the beginning of a wonderful and exciting journey for you, and they're happy to be a part of it.

And, before I forget...GOOD LUCK!!

 

[wwmd8118]

GOOD LUCK!! It does sound stressful, but it also sounds exciting. Things are moving along nicely, and now you get to involve your family (and hopefully even get a little help! ). Have fun and let us know how it went once you get back!

 

[SweetPea-<3]

A funny story...as you know, I've started wedding planning before the ring too. A few weeks ago, one of my bridesmaids invited me to go with her to a wedding expo that she attended last year when she was wedding planning. I was so excited that I got all dolled up. Lo and behold, when we get there, a camera crew from NBC comes up to me and asks me if they can interview me on camera. I say "sure", without thinking, and all of the sudden, I'm on camera, and they ask "so, tell us how and when you got engaged". I froze for a second (what am I doing? I'm not "engaged"), took a breath, and here's what I said:

It's an interesting story actually. My boyfriend and I have been talking about taking the next step for several months now, and we started wedding planning about a month ago. The ring isn't ready yet, but we are so in love that it doesn't even matter. Sometimes in life, things don't happen in quite the way and order you think they will. And the best thing you can do is go with the flow.

So, my advice is...just tell them. Tell them you have exciting news and that you wanted to share it in person. Tell them that you both decided that it's time to take the next step and that you've begun planning. Tell them that as part of that process, you picked out a ring together and that it's just taking a little more time than you thought to be finished. Let them know that once the ring has been completed, your boyfriend still intends to propose to you in a formal way, and you will share the story with them when that happens.

If I were you, when it comes to justifying why you started planning, I'd focus more on your readiness to make a commitment than your desire to have your wedding the way you want it. My prediction is that your parents will be so happy for you (and impressed by the maturity with which you approached the situation) that they won't even care about the whole "out of order" business. Let them spend some time congratulating you and basking in the happiness before you show them your plans and broach the subject about the budget.

Not a single person I've told about my boyfriend's and my decision to plan before the ring has said "oh, how sad you don't have the ring yet" or "I'm so disappointed that you started planning without telling me". When you spend enough time fantasizing about engagement rings, it's easy to think that the ring + proposal = formal commitment. But it doesn't. You've already made that decision. The rest is just formality.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

 

[MayFlowers]

It's an interesting story actually. My boyfriend and I have been talking about taking the next step for several months now, and we started wedding planning about a month ago. The ring isn't ready yet, but we are so in love that it doesn't even matter. Sometimes in life, things don't happen in quite the way and order you think they will. And the best thing you can do is go with the flow.

First of all, SweetPea, that is one very eloquent response! I know I wouldn't have been able to come up with something like that on the spot!


amc80, Good luck!!! I'm sure things will go great and we expect an update!

 

[amc80]

Hi all! Thanks for the kind words and advice.

My bf and I drove down to my parents' on Thursday night, getting there around 10pm. Neither of us slept particularly well that night. We both woke up early and were sort of dreading the conversation. We sat at breakfast and new we had to start the conversation, because my brother and his wife were going to be arriving at any time, and we wanted to talk to my parents before that. Finally I just came out with it. There was some awkwardness at first, before I could really gauge what they were feeling. But over all they were excited and happy. I showed my mom my binder and they started asking questions. Then my mom said that my bf hasn't asked them permission yet, and what if they said no? My bf explained that since we aren't actually engaged yet, and assured them he would talk to them before he proposed (scored points with that one). The only part that didn't go as I would have hoped is they didn't make any mention of finances. Not that I expected them to be able to right away, seeing how they were sort of blindsided by all of this.

But, the next day, my mom did bring up the finances. She asked how much we would like them to contribute, and I just said as much as they are comfortable doing. Before this, I was sort of trying to get my mom to talk about it, asking questions about how many people we should invite, etc. She said that they "obviously" want to pay for the reception and my dress. So yay, they are happy, we got confirmation about what they will be paying for (HUGE stress relief), and everyone is excited.

For the remainder of the weekend, any time one of her friends called her she told them the news, and all of her friends are excited as well. Oh, and we met a few of her friends in person, and my mom introduced the BF as her future son in law. So cute!

 

[MayFlowers]

I'm so glad it went well!!

 

[DuckLovingVegan]

I'm happy that it went well also.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Wahoo! I'm glad your talk went well! I'm doubly glad you get to invite everyone you'd like to.

 

[amc80]

Wahoo! I'm glad your talk went well! I'm doubly glad you get to invite everyone you'd like to.

Thanks, so am I! Their offer to pay for the reception and my dress means I don't really have to stress about the other things...like the welcome dinner, we thought we might not be able to swing it, but now it's not an issue. Yay!