women happiest with first love, men with serial loves

[LaraOnline]

This is an interesting article...

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/women-are-happiest-with-first-love-and-men-with-serial-monogamy-study-finds-577451.html

 

[trillionaire]

... My SO is my first love, so I will smile about this, and make sure he NEVER sees it!!! mwahahahaha!

I am his too.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

That''s funny cause we''re the opposite. I''m actually FI''s first love (first girlfriend actually too) but I''ve been in several relationships.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 8/10/2008 3:25:33 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
That''s funny cause we''re the opposite. I''m actually FI''s first love (first girlfriend actually too) but I''ve been in several relationships.

DITTO!

 

[Junkenpo]

I notice the article is from 2003?


Is it supposed to cover UK women, or all? Because I shudder at the thought of marrying my first love! LOL Or even my 2nd love. My DH is "Third time''s the charm," and I wouldn''t have it any other way!

As for him, he''s the kind of guy that actually is happiest when he''s in a long-term relationship, so he was happy to tie the knot with me!

 

[LaraOnline]

Yeah, I noticed the article was from 2003, as well. However, I don''t think the psychology of people will have moved on significantly from then. I think the study remains interesting, as I''ve never seen the information couched like this before.

If anything, to some extent we seem to emphasise a ''sameness'' between men and women in romantic opportunity - at least in politically correct circles - in our current culture.
This is one reason why I felt this study was interesting, it flies in the face of what we tell ourselves everyday.

Personally I wonder how important the cultural component is... perhaps people are happy when they achieve what is seen as romantic ''success'' - for women, romantic success is probably marrying your first love, whereas for men, western culture emphasises their playing the field with a dozen willing ladies.

I think this plays an important factor.

I wonder how men and women who live in a more monogamous culture would fare in this survey?

Would Hindu men fare have the same result, being happier if they had several broken relationships behind them? I think likely not, for society would not deem them successful.

Watching the world around me, modern western patterns seem to suggest, to some extent (because of course patterns do not represent individual experience) that modern romance moves like this:
first flush of love,
deepening of love,
woman starts dreaming of marriage or increasing intimacy,
man pulls away or refuses to come closer,
increasing unhappiness from the woman,
one of them - possibly the woman - must break off as ''going nowhere''
man feels he has a lucky escape, and moves to greener pastures, to start the cycle again!

I don''t think our current dominant culture is particularly kind to women. Of course, I wouldn''t like men to be unhappy either, but ... it is interesting to note that women that have never been with a man reported greater happiness than women who had several broken relationships.

anyway, perhaps i''m one of very few people interested in this stuff. I''m still young enough to remember my twenties, and I''m not sure I got the upper hand in the experience!

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 8/10/2008 3:41:40 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 8/10/2008 3:25:33 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

That''s funny cause we''re the opposite. I''m actually FI''s first love (first girlfriend actually too) but I''ve been in several relationships.

DITTO!

Thritto!

 

[LaraOnline]

Of course, the psychology of pregnancy prevention is conspiciously absent from these types of newspaper articles.
Yet most women seem acutely aware of the risk they are taking when beginning an intimate romantic relationship.

That concern, understandably, heightens as the relationship continues.
Yet our culture, and the men in it, seems happy to pretend that these concerns are minimal for women.
In fact, our culture seems to celebrate women who reject the baby/family aspect of romance.

But in many cases, pregnancy concern is a dominating aspect of our private romantic experiences.
And perhaps we wouldn''t want it any other way, because the risk of pregnancy - no matter how minimal - seems to make the relationship ''real'' for women, the risk of pregnancy makes love a truly intimate experience.

Anyway, rant over. Look forward to reading any other discussion.Sorry for the long posts!!

 

[PuddingFace]

Quatro? Regardless of the word, same here.

 

[Booper717]

I don''t know if it''s just where I live, but I''ve really noticed that it seems the old sterotypes of men vs. women are changing. I see alot of relationships end because of the girl being unfaithful and unable to stay in a committed relationship for a long period of time. I also noticed alot of guys wanting serious relationships while the girl is uninterested and would rather have something much more casual. Not saying all girls (or guys for that matter) are like that. Just an observation I''ve made over the past couple of years. I find it funny because woman are the ones that are always sterotyped for chaseing after commitments.


I have had two previous serious relationships (both that I ended)... my SO has had two as well. The first one for both of us starting at a very young age.

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 8/10/2008 7:08:02 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Yeah, I noticed the article was from 2003, as well. However, I don''t think the psychology of people will have moved on significantly from then. I think the study remains interesting, as I''ve never seen the information couched like this before.


If anything, to some extent we seem to emphasise a ''sameness'' between men and women in romantic opportunity - at least in politically correct circles - in our current culture.

This is one reason why I felt this study was interesting, it flies in the face of what we tell ourselves everyday.


Personally I wonder how important the cultural component is... perhaps people are happy when they achieve what is seen as romantic ''success'' - for women, romantic success is probably marrying your first love, whereas for men, western culture emphasises their playing the field with a dozen willing ladies.


I think this plays an important factor.


I wonder how men and women who live in a more monogamous culture would fare in this survey?


Would Hindu men fare have the same result, being happier if they had several broken relationships behind them? I think likely not, for society would not deem them successful.


Watching the world around me, modern western patterns seem to suggest, to some extent (because of course patterns do not represent individual experience) that modern romance moves like this:

first flush of love,

deepening of love,

woman starts dreaming of marriage or increasing intimacy,

man pulls away or refuses to come closer,

increasing unhappiness from the woman,

one of them - possibly the woman - must break off as ''going nowhere''

man feels he has a lucky escape, and moves to greener pastures, to start the cycle again!

I don''t think our current dominant culture is particularly kind to women. Of course, I wouldn''t like men to be unhappy either, but ... it is interesting to note that women that have never been with a man reported greater happiness than women who had several broken relationships.

anyway, perhaps i''m one of very few people interested in this stuff. I''m still young enough to remember my twenties, and I''m not sure I got the upper hand in the experience!

I think this thread is interesting, especially what I''ve highlighted. It''s something that is evident, even when a man is about to be married. Until recently, women got to open gifts for the future home and talk about babies with the grandparents while the guy was out having lap dances and enjoying his "last night of freedom." Women seem happy that they aren''t going to be single anymore and (most) men view it as something that needs at least one more round of promiscuity before they "settle down." This obviously is becoming less true with women also having saucy bachelorette parties. I think it''s always funny - the couple where the guy wants to have strippers but doesn''t want his FI to have them. Such funny double standards and more insight into the whole "woman should only want to be with one man while it''s acceptable for the guy to want to be with multiple women" thing. The same is true with the guy who sleeps around getting high fives and the girl who sleeps around getting labeled a whore.

Media always portray men as insatiable, "visual creatures" while showing how dreadful it would be to be stuck with, God forbid, only one woman all your life. Lots of men are afraid to get married because the nagging wife that doesn''t put out and stops taking care of herself seems to be such a mainstay of Western media.

I certainly wouldn''t have been happier marrying my first love. Or the several that followed after that. But I''ve been called a feminist more than once, so maybe I play by different rules.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Hmmm. I had a few thoughts after reading this.

- Isn''t staying with one''s ''first love'' relatively rare nowadays? I''m not saying it doesn''t happen, but IME it''s certainly not the norm. My cousin and his wife are the only couple I can really think of who would qualify. It just seems odd to me that statistically, there are enough of these couples to demonstrate such a strong effect.

- I have always tended to think that MOST people are better off dating several partners / dating around prior to settling down. Most being the key word. I just think many people need some time to find out what they REALLY want out of a relationship and out of a partner -- sometimes that takes a bit of trial and error. I feel much better equipped to settle down with SO having had a few serious relationships beforehand. My judgement wasn''t always stellar in my younger years. So, staying with my ''first love'' wouldn''t have worked for me at all.

- While I guess some women may define success as marrying your first love, I would''ve been desperately unhappy if I had! In fact, my first ''real'' mature relationship would''ve lead to marriage had I stayed. But he wasn''t the one, I wasn''t happy and I knew that. So knowing it could''ve gone further is... I guess, flattering, in a way-- but by no means is that enough to make someone truly happy in the long-term IMO.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:30:19 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
Hmmm. I had a few thoughts after reading this.


- Isn't staying with one's 'first love' relatively rare nowadays? I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but IME it's certainly not the norm. My cousin and his wife are the only couple I can really think of who would qualify. It just seems odd to me that statistically, there are enough of these couples to demonstrate such a strong effect.


- I have always tended to think that MOST people are better off dating several partners / dating around prior to settling down. Most being the key word. I just think many people need some time to find out what they REALLY want out of a relationship and out of a partner -- sometimes that takes a bit of trial and error. I feel much better equipped to settle down with SO having had a few serious relationships beforehand. My judgement wasn't always stellar in my younger years. So, staying with my 'first love' wouldn't have worked for me at all.


- While I guess some women may define success as marrying your first love, I would've been desperately unhappy if I had! In fact, my first 'real' mature relationship would've lead to marriage had I stayed. But he wasn't the one, I wasn't happy and I knew that. So knowing it could've gone further is... I guess, flattering, in a way-- but by no means is that enough to make someone truly happy in the long-term IMO.

I read somewhere that the best number of relationships to have is 3, before settling down. I don't remember the source, but I will look around. I don't know if that was three inclusive, or exclusive.

I personally have only dated 2 people, including SO. I'm his first and only GF, which used to REALLY freak me out. I sometimes tease him and tell him that he can't appreciate how great I am because he hasn't dated anyone else. He has no idea how good he has it

. I never imagined that I would be in a five year relationship with someone I met in college. I always imagined dating around in my 20's and enjoying the single life. I really don't feel like I've missed out, but I have asked SO if I can go speed dating. It just sounds so INTERESTING to me. I mean, a bunch of 5 minute mini-dates HAS to be hysterical... I could make for my whole 20's on 40 minutes or less!

 

[Carbonlove]

Date: 8/10/2008 11:07:50 AM
Author: trillionaire
... My SO is my first love, so I will smile about this, and make sure he NEVER sees it!!! mwahahahaha!


I am his too.

Same with me and the BF! Been together 11 years since we were 15!