wondering if...

[jcarlylew]

I am wondering how many other LIW (or MIW?) are experiencing the same problem as I, and what their suggestions are.

Boyf and i have been together almost 2 years, and pretty much living together for 1 1/2 years (quick, i know, i know. it just works!). We have a great relationship, enjoy our time together and our time apart. We''ve even taken seperate and family vacations. We''ve talked about getting married, even what the wedding would be like. heck, we even have a ring ready (even though i know he is bruising becuase its my gma''s ring and he didnt buy it..whatever!)

We just renewed our lease, and boyf reminded me that he does not want to renew next year, instead he wants to get a house (sweet!). All this future talk OF COURSE gets me excited....

So why do i feel like he is dragging his feet on the proposal part? I even told him that sometimes an ering is like a status symbol to a woman as a big screen tv is to him. I know he wants to surprise me, which of course i would love too. But its not just the proposal part - it seems like he is getting cold feet for the marriage part too.

So whats the deal with wanting to buy a house together but not get married??

at least i know that i won''t sign anything until there is a ring on my finger.

 

[trillionaire]

My suggestion? Share his enthusiasm about the house, but also let him know that you would not feel comfortable making that kind of step (entering into a mortgage together) without being engaged. His response will probably let you know where his head is.

From what I hear around here, a lot of people run into "getting him to commit" troubles when they are live in gf''s, so just make sure he doesn''t take that for granted. If he balks, let him move out and renew your own lease. If he wants you in his life, he will keep you there.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 7/16/2008 7:22:56 PM
Author:jcarlylew
I am wondering how many other LIW (or MIW?) are experiencing the same problem as I, and what their suggestions are.

Boyf and i have been together almost 2 years, and pretty much living together for 1 1/2 years (quick, i know, i know. it just works!). We have a great relationship, enjoy our time together and our time apart. We've even taken seperate and family vacations. We've talked about getting married, even what the wedding would be like. heck, we even have a ring ready (even though i know he is bruising becuase its my gma's ring and he didnt buy it..whatever!)

We just renewed our lease, and boyf reminded me that he does not want to renew next year, instead he wants to get a house (sweet!). All this future talk OF COURSE gets me excited....

So why do i feel like he is dragging his feet on the proposal part? I even told him that sometimes an ering is like a status symbol to a woman as a big screen tv is to him. I know he wants to surprise me, which of course i would love too. But its not just the proposal part - it seems like he is getting cold feet for the marriage part too.

So whats the deal with wanting to buy a house together but not get married??

at least i know that i won't sign anything until there is a ring on my finger.

I'm somewhat in the same position. SO is insisting that he'll propose 'soon' (whatever that means... though I've stumbled upon a few things that indicate he is at least thinking about it).

We'll be looking to buy sometime next spring and like you, I want to be engaged before that happens. The problem is, we cannot afford to buy anything under one name alone -- homes are just too expensive here and we won't get approved (we can comfortably afford a property on both our salaries, however). Yet, I don't want this whole issue to make him feel like I'm trying to force an engagement. I just want to... expedite the process. LOL!

I'm trying to wait it out and not get too antsy JUST yet. He wants it to be a big surprise so I won't hit panic mode til Jan or Feb, sometime in there. I know the timing is not right in the near future, but sometime around Christmas would be perfect. We'll see...

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Well... that old saying comes to mind... "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

Hopefully your guy isn''t like that but I know that there are a lot of guys out there who don''t feel motivated to get engaged/married when they are already living with their SO and are already getting many of the benefits of being committed without actually having to take that step.

Although you said that the two of you haven''t even been together for 2 years yet, so in my opinion it''s still pretty early in the relationship, even though you two have been living together for a while. So you two might want to just wait on the whole engagement thing until you''ve been together for a little bit longer. You did say you just renewed your lease and I''m guessing it''s for a year, so that''s a extra year to solidify things and make sure that being engaged/married is something you both are ready for.

Personally if I were you, I would just emphasize to him that you really love the idea of purchasing a house together next year but that you aren''t comfortable taking that step until you are married or at least engaged. Although personally I''m not sure I would want to make an investment as important and huge as a house without being legally married. But really you just need to let him know where you stand and what you will and won''t do while still just being his girlfriend.

Good luck!

 

[Izzy03]

I know this is going out on a limb, but when you said that you just renewed your lease and he wants to buy a house next year, it sounds to me like he is going to propose within the year!

 

[choro72]

Do you talk about the wedding? Or do you talk about marriage? Do you talk about children, compatibilities, your expectations, your goals, your future? ("Your" as in plural) If you have, then I think your BF might have something planned already. Still, I think it''s smart for you to wait to buy a house together until your relationship is more solid.

 

[vita*dolce]

aw, sorry to hear you''re feeling a little discouraged, but i tend to agree with izzy. since purchasing a home together is such a huge commitment it sounds like he''s serious about a future with you. maybe since he didn''t have to buy a ring he feels like he has to plan a really perfect proposal and it''s going to take a little time! don''t worry too much, i''m sure your boy will surprise you soon enough!!

 

[mimzy]

"I even told him that sometimes an ering is like a status symbol to a woman as a big screen tv is to him".

i'm not sure what this means

. furthermore, i'm not sure how that would be motivating to him?

i would just check to make sure that he has the intention of proposing before you begin seriously buying a house. if he can't commit to that, then i wouldn't commit yourself to even thinking about looking at houses with him. not as a punishment or something, but because you really need to stand firm in your commitment to yourself that you made.

 

[bobbin]

i feel this way sometimes too.

we have been living together for 18 months and settlement for our new home is next week!

We have extensively talked about children, marriage, future plans etc.

However he is still not ready to propose for various reasons.

I sometimes find it frustrating that he is ready to commit financially to me (buying a house) and hell, he would love if we could have children right now- he is willing to commit to me for a lifetime that way, but yet not ready to put a ring on my finger?

However, to me marriage is not the be all and end all. It is something I definately want, although I have no idea why and I am happy to be defacto for a while longer. I have absolute faith in him when he tells me he will propose, and I even have a feeling that it may be within the next 18 months.

 

[meresal]

I share almsot the EXACT same story as you. Dating almost 2 yrs, just resigned lease 2 months ago, and C wanted to talk about buying a house. I simply said NO. Not until I am engaged will I even humor the idea of purchasing a house, and not until we''re married will we move in.

I am a firm believer that the journey to the "ring" has been longer due to us living together, and I''m not about to move into a house a watch that time span multiply.

Just my honest opinion.

 

[LaraOnline]

A lot of guys are really financially motivated to buy a house, they see it as a great way to get ahead. If the female of the party is not married, it is kind of like a ''mates'' arrangement, where both parties chip in equally. It''s too hard to do it on your own (so goes the thinking). So, why would a man not want to buy a house?

It all comes down to family values. I see quite a few girls who would prefer the ring (at least an engagement ring) before the house contract. But... usually the guy wins.

Personally, I think it''s a little unfair of the guy to put that pressure on girls... but it''s kind of another hoop you have to jump through these days, isn''t it.
Shame.

I guess if you break up, you''re still a step ahead financially.
That''s not a bad thing.

 

[Lauren8211]

I am definitely in the same position as you. If I hadn''t brought up engagement and weddings, it wouldn''t have even crossed his mind. It''s not that he doesn''t want to, he''s just not in any hurry because he knows it''s going to happen.

We talk about getting engaged all the time, we also have the ring. I think my BFs thing is he wants it to be this huge "THING" he wants to get some weird epiphany to make it happen. Like a sign from above. lol.

He just wants it to be this huge surprise. He''s in no way dragging his feet. We know when we''re getting married -- just not when we''re getting engaged.

BF also wanted to buy a house before marriage, and I said no. I said buying my first home is something I''d like to do with my husband, not with my live-in boyfriend. He realized why that would be important, and definitely saw my side of things. He understands how important marriage is to me, but he wants to really make this special.

Sometimes guys just try so hard they forget that it''s so simple. Getting engaged is two people promising to love one another forever by getting married. NOT a fireworks display with a full band and back-up dancers and celebrity appearances. lol. Have faith in him, and let him do it when he feels it''s right.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 7/16/2008 7:22:56 PM
Author:jcarlylew
I am wondering how many other LIW (or MIW?) are experiencing the same problem as I, and what their suggestions are.

Boyf and i have been together almost 2 years, and pretty much living together for 1 1/2 years (quick, i know, i know. it just works!). We have a great relationship, enjoy our time together and our time apart. We''ve even taken seperate and family vacations. We''ve talked about getting married, even what the wedding would be like. heck, we even have a ring ready (even though i know he is bruising becuase its my gma''s ring and he didnt buy it..whatever!)

We just renewed our lease, and boyf reminded me that he does not want to renew next year, instead he wants to get a house (sweet!). All this future talk OF COURSE gets me excited....

So why do i feel like he is dragging his feet on the proposal part? I even told him that sometimes an ering is like a status symbol to a woman as a big screen tv is to him. I know he wants to surprise me, which of course i would love too. But its not just the proposal part - it seems like he is getting cold feet for the marriage part too.

So whats the deal with wanting to buy a house together but not get married??

at least i know that i won''t sign anything until there is a ring on my finger.

my now fiance and i moved in after 6 months too and it works. he knew (and i made it perfectly clear) that i would not be buying a house and moving in UNLESS i was engaged or that there was engagement on the way. He really understood that i was not "free milk" so to speak (hahah). We did the entire ring process together which made me feel better - ya know.. knowing that he and i were on the same page. we also communicated about marriage a lot... just talk to him!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

I don’t get it. Why do you feel like he’s getting cold feet? Is it because he hasn’t proposed or has he said that he doesn’t want to get married?

Also, you just renewed your what 12 month lease I’m guessing? Which means that if you do get a house, it’ll be a year from now. What makes you think that he won’t propose before then?

The reason why I ask you these questions is because the last thing you want to do is jump the gun with proposal talks assuming he is just having cold feet. You won’t believe how much that ruins whatever he is planning.

If you would have told me that he NEVER talks about marriage or gets frustrated when you bring it up, then that’s one thing. But it sounds to me like you guys are on the same page and he’s probably just working on the proposal. Who knows…maybe he’s thinking he’ll ask during the holidays?

 

[jcarlylew]

wow! thanks for all the advice everyone!! It does help to know that others go through the same thing (though i dont wish it on anyone!)

Trillionaire - Thanks for the advice. Normally i am the one who does all the planning/getting excited, so i just need to check that for now. We will be running a credit check (barf) in the next months so i will bring that up with him.

AB- I agree it is a bit early on, and yes, we did sign another 1 year lease. I agree with your ideas about buying the house and finances together. Thanks!

Izzy - Thanks! i just hate waiting. ..

Choro- We talk mostly about the future such as marriage, kids, faith (i''m religious he''s not). Also future goals, ect. We have gotten through the tough conversations as well.

Vita - Thank you for the encouragement!

Mimzy - it was a joke that my friend and i shared. her husband was the same way before asking her. Not really a motivation tool but sometimes our guys just dont understand ? Thank you for agreeing with my commitment to get engaged BEFORE buying a house. I agree its not a punishment!

bobbin - I''m sorry you are going through the same thing too! I agree marriage (or even the proposal) isnt the end all, but it''s still something that i want

although with that said, my bestfriend got engaged 2 months after they bought their house... so maybe something will be happening soon for you too!

Meresal - Thank you! I need to learn not to humor the ideas so easily!

Lara - I agree with the pressure, but i guess you could say the door swings both ways?

Elledizzy - hee hee, thank you! definately brought some humor in! again, i agree too!

cbs - sometimes it just works when you move in that fast. and other times it does not (as i have also experienced, and the eex was kicked out a month later!). I do talk to my bf, but he is just unresponsive at times. yarg.

Fieryred - you''re right, i am jumping the gun! plus we do have 5 big events coming up from sept through dec. I think i need that baseball bat to my head right now

Thank you ALL for your responses!! I know i just need to keep the faith (so to speak), but its nice being able to vent. I love the different prespectives!! and i will take to heart knowing this weekend while he''s on his bacholor party trip, he''ll be with all married/engaged guys lol