worst day of my life

[Smurfysmiles]

so as some of you may know, my mom had cancer and we thought they had it under control because that is what the hospital had told us. they said it was ovarian stage 3 and it would be fine. my mom had her uterus, some of her bowels, and a tumor on her colon removed. i recently found out that now they have no idea what the cancer is because it turned out not to be ovarian (i don''t know when they did this recent test). so now my mom is waiting to go to the mayo clinic where they will remove some of her abdomen tissue because it apparently spread to there as well and also to hopefully find out what the hell is going on. the hospital there is completely full so as soon as an open room comes up they will call my parents and they will have to leave at that moment. unfortunately the time line they are giving is the same time that i will be graduating from college which means my parents will not see me get my diploma (which is not the worst thing in the world but makes me feel pretty crappy none the less) they will also not be here for christmas and we have a ton of relatives coming so that will also be very stressful.

on another note, i said i love you to my boyfriend this morning when he dropped me off for work and he didn''t say anything back.

scenario 1- i was at the bar the other night(that he works at- he recently lost his promotion at ups) and i met this guy from a web company which is what my degree is in so i was talking to him about maybe getting a job at the company. the longer the night went on the drunker this guy got and eventually started hitting on me and i pointed out my boyfriend to him many times and made sure john saw that this drunk weirdo kept trying to hit on me and i kept saying "no im sorry i have a boyfriend". well one of our friends saw me give the guy a hug goodbye(i mean i still need a job so i was sucking up) and i wonder if he told john that he saw me hitting on this guy back which is totally not what happened...this was a really weird complicated story to explain, i hope some of you got what i was trying to say. but anyways john was drinking with our friend last night and i think he might have said something like hey i saw your girl at the bar the other night hitting on some guy. and i think maybe that is why he would be upset.

scenario 2- john was too hungover to muster enough strength to say it back, he didn''t talk much as i pulled him out of bed because i was running late shouting hurry hurry i need a ride to work!! i don''t think he got to bed last night until like 5 in the morning.

ugh, and i think i have the flu

 

[risingsun]

I''m so sorry to hear about your mother. What a difficult situation. My prayers are with you. As for bf...you have more important things to cope with in your life right now. If your bf can''t rise to the occasion and be there for you, than he is not worth your tears

 

[cellososweet]

i''m not sure if you are in Arizona, Minnesota or Florida, so I can''t offer you a good medical clinic for a second opinion in the meantime. You mentioned Mayo and those are their centers. So hmmm. . . well. . . I will offer this advice. Please ask your mother''s surgeon or oncologist if they use the Oncotech services. They are a fantastic company that does chemotherapy resistance testing to custom-tailor chemo to what your tumor responds to the best. It''s a great resource. Also, they will be able to have their pathologist look at it to get a primary diagnosis. I would call the pathology lab or your doctor and request a copy of the pathology report that said that it was not an ovarian primary and see what it says. They can be a total beast to decipher, so if you need help, let me know. I''m the pathology report decipher queen. I actually enjoy doing it and can help you out with all the medical mumbo jumbo. Both of my parents have had cancer, most of my family has too, and I work in a lab. So. . . I have plenty of experience if you need help. I sincerely wish you the best. And about the BF, he needs to get over himself. This is a terrible time for you and he should be able to at least let you know what''s up if he''s going to be an ass. Good luck and (((hug)))

 

[Octavia]

Smurfy, I''m so sorry. I wish I could do something more to help, but please know that I (and I''m sure most everyone else here) will be thinking of you and your mom. In the meantime, I''m sending a virtual hug...it sounds like you need one today.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thanks guys, i really appreciate the support my mom will be going to the mayo clinic in rochester, mn. i guess i didn''t know that there was more than 1! as soon as we find out what exactly is going on i will be sure to update you all

 

[bee*]

I''ll be thinking of you and your mother! I hope that she gets into that hospital soon! Your bf needs to be more supportive at a time like this, whether he''s tired, hungover or whatever!

 

[glueck]

Dear Smurfy- First I send you an enormous hug. I am sure you need it. This time is not easy, and it wont get any easier. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 18 and it was awful. It was a big surprise..stage 4... the whole nine yards, so I know where you are coming from. Hopefully the Mayo clinic can find some answers to you millions of questions.... #1 of them.... where is this coming from! Cancer is a terrible beast, and it is a disease that inflicts the entire family. I know it is frightening, but my advice, if I may be so bold, is this. Savour every moment with your mom. Dont let anything distract you from it. This time you will value as a gift for the rest of your life. There is a chance that it will get better, and if so, you will have fought this war right by her side. If not, then you will have a wealth of memories- good and bad- but you will have them, and they are the most precious gift you will ever have given yourself. She needs your focus as much as you need her to beat this thing. Dont sweat the small things. Think of the big picture.... if you need something, ask someone. Stay stong. You can do this, and so can your mom -one battle at a time.
HUGS

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Smurfy: I am sorry to hear about your mom. Hopefully Mayo can help to give you some answers and get things on track for a solid treatment. I am sure your parents are just as disappointed as you that they will be missing out on the holidays and possibly your graduation but, as you know, it is best for them to be focused on getting your mom healthy again.

In regards to your situation with your boyfriend, try not to fret about it. One of my friends is in the process of losing her father, he is fading but doing it very slowly so the situation has become very emotionally draining for everyone around but most of all for her boyfriend. I have noticed that he is very distant and unemotional and I think it is, quite frankly, because he does not know how to deal with the tremendous amount of stress and hurt his girlfriend is experiencing.

Some people, not just men, shut down emotionally in times of high stress/emotion and to others they may seem cold, aloof or even angry. Perhaps your boyfriend is one of these people and is having a difficult time with everything that has been happening in your family. Try letting him know that it means a lot to you that he’s been there for you and maybe plan a special night just for the two of you where you relax together and try to shift your focus to more positive thoughts together. It could be the break from reality both of you need right now.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

I am so sorry to hear about your mom and the difficult time that you are all going through. You will all be in my prayers - sending a big virtual hug your way.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

keepingthefaith that makes a lot of sense. I guess I hadn''t really thought about it that way. He got home last night and woke me up to ask how I was feeling which was nice although I got a little cranky about being woken up! I think maybe he just needed some time to absorb everything that''s been going on because everytime we get bad news it seems to hit us like a wall of bricks.

 

[mirre]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, but Prayer and modern medicine can do wonders. My mom survived breast cancer twice when she was in her early twenties, she didn't tell anyone about it, I'm not sure exactly why but I think she was either embarassed or too scared. I was upset with her for not telling me, even though I was very young and couldn't have understood anyway because I wish I would have been able to be there for her, so my advice is be there for your mom and enjoy the time you have together. If her spirits get down and she looses strength she'll have your's and your father's to help her through it each step of the way. Also, I would like to tell you that my grandfather has colon cancer and has been battling it since around the mid 1970s, he has not had any chemo or anything and he's still surviving it. I understand these are probably very different cases but I just wanted to let you know that beating cancer is possible and I hope that your mom will also be able to say she survived it.

Best of luck to you and your family! Be sure to tell your mom that she has several (although they may be complete strangers) supporters thinking of her and wishing her well.

ETA: I know it will not be the same but are you planning to have another family member or your boyfriend tape your graduation so that your parents will be able to see it if they aren't able to attend?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

and i''ve been lapped 3 times this week....ugh

 

[Deelight]

Smurfy

poor thing you have been going through the washer lately

*sends you hugs* Things will get better soon I hope, modern medicine makes advances everyday. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

In regards to the BF I have to agree with Keepingthefaith people deal with stress in all kinds of different ways some can talk about it some can''t your BF might be one who can''t and this may be his way of coping or trying to find a way to cope. When I am upset and stressed I completely ZONE out into myself, from his POV he probably sees you upset and feels unable to make you feel better, it can make us feel lost and useless when we see someone we love hurting and not able to make it right.

And as for getting lapped try not to think about it too much your time will come

 

[Girlrocks]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be so frustrating for your whole family to have to wait to get in to a hospital and find out where this cancer started. I am so sorry.

As for your BF, I 2nd, 3rd and 4th what others have said about everyone dealing with things differently. My DH mom passed 6 months to the day after we were married from kidney cancer that spread to the bone, and 10 years later, he still won''t talk about it. He has never shed a tear in front of me (even at the bedside at the moment she passed, during the funeral....nothing) and even though we are best friends, have been through the ringer with a cancer scare for me, 3 premie babies that were touch and go for a while, he still to this day does not talk about his mom''s passing.

Please try to focus your energy on YOU and your family rather than trying to figure him out, and try not to let this affect your relationship with him. In a few weeks or months, when the things have sunken in, you can then open a discussion about how this has affected you. Unfortunately, we can''t make people react the way we want them to, so it''s best to focus your energy and attention where it is needed right now....on you and your family. Please remember to take care of yourself during this difficult time and we are thinking of you.

 

[gwendolyn]

I hope you get some good news about your mom and her situation, and if you boyfriend is doing things or not doing things that you''d like him to do for support, try telling him so he can feel a bit more useful. My boyfriend also did the shutting off thing when things got really bad, but once I told him the things that he does that help, he is able to be more supportive.

 

[Steel]

I wish your mother only the very best and hope her health improves very soon.

Regarding your BF, it would be nice that he could support you at this time. If version 1 applies and he feels in the cold because of the guy you were chatting to (albeit about potential work), perhaps you could be more considerate of how he might feel? If my husband behaved like you did ''to further his career'' I would be mad. Get where you need to go by earning it, not by allowing some creep in a bar to flirt with you. No matter how many times you told him to back off, you stayed talking to him and hugged him. I would be mad, that’s all I am saying.

If your BF was upset (same as I would be) then maybe he is a nice sensitive guy, the kind of guy worth hanging on to, especially when you need some support.

0.02

 

[luckystar112]

Maybe I''m missing something, but I''m lost as to how not saying I love you back means that he isn''t there for her? In fact, I don''t really know why that is even such a big deal? My FI doesn''t always say it back to me, I don''t always say it back to him. Doesn''t mean we love eachother any less. I definitely think that the mother''s sickness should be the only priority right now.


/Hope no one takes that the wrong way!!!

 

[Steel]

Date: 12/8/2007 2:56:57 PM
Author: luckystar112
Maybe I''m missing something, but I''m lost as to how not saying I love you back means that he isn''t there for her? In fact, I don''t really know why that is even such a big deal? My FI doesn''t always say it back to me, I don''t always say it back to him. Doesn''t mean we love eachother any less. I definitely think that the mother''s sickness should be the only priority right now.

/Hope no one takes that the wrong way!!!

I am replying here in case the comment was aimed in my direction - if it was thats ok.

I entirely agree that the OP''s mom is the priority here. (Fullstop)

[I added about her BF because the OP had and because other posters were concerned about his potential lack of support. Yup, I think we all agree that saying I love you back to your spouse/partner is not of itself noteworthy but seeing as the OP mentioned it I think we all took the liberty of addressing the matter as if it were now or were about to become an issue. (Well I did anyway) I don''t normally post in areas like this, but as it seemed to me that other posters were concerned about her BF''s potential ''lack of support; considering the family stress the OP must be under, I thought it might be helpful for the OP to get a different point of view. It is all too easy to get hold of the wrong end of the stick, I hope I didn''t. That’s it.]

I reiterate, SS, I hope you mom gets better soon and wish your family only the best.

 

[risingsun]

I was less concerned about the lack of response to "I love you," than John's hangover. OP has more crucial issues than babysitting a drunk bf, IMO. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but my tolerance to drunken behavior is at an all time low

My best wishes to your mother. I went through this with my own mother.

 

[rubybeth]

Ohh, man that''s rough. I really feel for you and you and your family have been and will continue to be in my thoughts.

I don''t live all that far from where you are (I''m in central MN) and know the Mayo does GREAT work, even if it means your mom will have to go away suddenly. They''re the best!! (My dad had surgery done there a long time ago for his back.) Take care of yourself and get the rest you need, and maybe tell your BF that extra hugs (or whatever you like best) would be appreciated right now?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Hello again

First I just want to clarify that I was a little taken back that he didn''t say I love you simply because he says it everytime he drops me off for work so that was why I was a little upset.

Things have gone from bad to worse. My mom''s best friend passed away yesterday from cancer so it has been rough.

On a lighter note I asked john what he wanted for christmas last night and he said a nintendo wii (go figure) and he asked what I wanted and I said a ring to which he replied we''ll see(who knows what that means)

 

[Steel]

Hi SS,

I am very sorry for your and your mothers loss. I understand under the circumstances this can hit very close to your heart. My thoughts go out to all involved.

I hope I didn't cause offence to you in my earlier posts, I mean well.

Go out and buy up that Wii; nobody likes the Christmas rush! Best thoughts for an impending ring buying/giving; though that will come for you in its own good time.

Be well.