Would you confront a friend?

[Logan Sapphire]

As you might remember, I posted about co-hosting a large baby shower. The number appears to have settled at 100 guests

. The organizer is known to be a very blunt, no-holds-barred kind of person- she says what comes out of her mouth without regard to its appropriateness or rudeness. I suggested an idea, and she wrote back that she thought it was lame. She also included the other 2 co-hosts on the email. I thought what she said was rude- there are many other ways to say that my idea wouldn't be good. I normally let such comments go, as do most of her other friends, but for some reason, tonight I felt offended. Do I stand up for myself? I don't want to start a fight, but I'm sick of letting these little comments go. The thing is, this is just who she is. I don't think she meant to be mean, but it came out rudely.

I would just say something like, "I didn't think that was a lame idea" and then leave it and move on. Am I not picking my battles wisely? Or am I just being sensitive?

 

[dani13]

You know what, I am a big believer in saying what you think, and that was FRIGGIN' RUDE of her to do that. And the fact that she included the other people on that email was just loser-ish of her..

But, is she a good friend of yours, and is it worth it to say something? Sometimes people like this are just not worth your time. However, if she is a good friend, I would say something. Dont attack her or stoop down to her level, just acknowledge the fact that she made you feel stupid and that wasnt right of her...

What is wrong with some people????????

 

[moon river]

Take it from someone that walks around with one foot because the other is always in my mouth.

I lack ''Tact'' so I''ve been told. I generally blurt things out without meaning any harm. I would want to be told if I hurt someone''s feelings or made them mad. Tell her. If she doesn''t care then at least you did YOUR part. You can''t change other people. Good luck.

 

[FireGoddess]

I guess it depends how confrontational I feel. I would say something. I think there are nicer way to say things, but this woman may have a thick skin and something like that wouldn't bother her. Perhaps you could test this out by saying, "Don't you think classifying my idea as LAME is rather rude? Because personally, I think people who have no filter for rudeness are rather lame, don't you? Are you catching my drift?" this would be doing it in a language she understands. You could do it your way, the polite way, the "It's offensive to me for you to dismiss my idea as lame to everyone, could you think about how that sounds to the person you're talking to before you say it?" but she might not be the type to understand your reaction.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 3/29/2006 9:15:31 PM
Author: Dani


But, is she a good friend of yours, and is it worth it to say something? Sometimes people like this are just not worth your time. However, if she is a good friend, I would say something. Dont attack her or stoop down to her level, just acknowledge the fact that she made you feel stupid and that wasnt right of her...

She''s a friend, not necessarily particularly close, but more than an acquaintance. She came to my wedding but not as a bridesmaid.

I''m torn between wanting to stick up for myself and not wanting to create more tension over this shower.

 

[dani13]

Date: 3/29/2006 9:18:24 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I guess it depends how confrontational I feel. I would say something. I think there are nicer way to say things, but this woman may have a thick skin and something like that wouldn''t bother her. Perhaps you could test this out by saying, ''Don''t you think classifying my idea as LAME is rather rude? Because personally, I think people who have no filter for rudeness are rather lame, don''t you? Are you catching my drift?'' this would be doing it in a language she understands. You could do it your way, the polite way, the ''It''s offensive to me for you to dismiss my idea as lame to everyone, could you think about how that sounds to the person you''re talking to before you say it?'' but she might not be the type to understand your reaction.

Well, I will tell you, LG, if you are going to say something this is the perfect way to say it... I agree with FG totally...

 

[gailrmv]

I completely sympathize. I have a friend who has no tact and in fact, really diminished my enjoyment of my wedding day because of her thoughtlessness (she was a bridesmaid). I wish I could have gotten up the nerve to confront her back then, but since we live in different states and see eachother very occassionally now, it doesn''t seem worth it. Poor girl can''t keep a guy, most friends, or a job, and I think it is all due to this one problem of hers - no filter. She does have a lot of great qualities about her - funny, smart, cute - but the tactlessness can overshadow it all.

OK, enough about my situation, on to yours - you are already doing a really nice thing by hosting this huge shower. The last thing you deserve is to get insulted, in front of other people, no less. She probably meant nothing by it, and in fact, it might have been less offensive in person depending on her tone, but that''s no excuse for what she said and to whom. I would simply say, in person if possible, "it hurt my feelings when you said my idea was lame and especially since you also copied it to (susie and jane)."

I got some good advice one time that instead of criticizing the other person outright, focus on saying how you felt. They might deny or explain away their own behavior but they can''t argue with how YOU felt. Also, this way you are not accusing, just stating the effect on YOU. Admittedly, the difference is subtle and your friend is not.

I think if you don''t speak up the situation will only get worse. You are doing her a favor in the long run to bring her tactlessness to light.

 

[movie zombie]

perhaps a simple reply to everyone: "you''re entitled to your opinion and i''m entitled to mine. in this instance i still like my idea but understand that you don''t. while we don''t always agree on things, i do think we agree that we want this shower to be a success." then perhaps you can move on knowing you''ve stuck up for yourself but ot made it into a battle. just a suggestion.

movie zombie

 

[monarch64]

This is why emails and word-of-mouth rumors suck. The situation, as presented by the organizer, probably did not paint you in the best light, rather, it reinforced her own point. That''s not fair play, if you ask me. I agree with all of the above posts about the fact that some people have "no filter" for rudeness. If you can find it within yourself, it is within all of your best interests for you to stand up for yourself. Tactfully. If possibly at all, I would call for a face-to-face meeting of those involved to hear all views. If not possible, there''s always three-way calling! You are all involved with the organization of this shower together, and the meaning of the shower shouldn''t be compromised by the three or four of you having issues. If I were the "showeree" I would feel awful if I found out my girls had problems over what to do for my shower. Let your voice be heard, somehow! Good luck!

 

[Mara]

logan..it would depend on your relationship with her and also how you feel...hard to say if i would say something to a friend who said something like that to me...sometimes my friends and i are blunt with each other but it means nothing, like if one said ''that''s a lame idea!'' i''d be like ''well come up with a better one then!''. no biggie. but if someone who i wasn''t particularly close with and already maybe there was tension about something, and a comment like that came through sure it could upset me depending on the person. would i say anything? maybe, maybe not. it would just depend on the scenario and the person. i personally think that only you can answer the question you posed...but if i did say something in that kind of scenario, i might just reply back to all and say something like ''well that was tactful!'' and leave it at that. sometimes you just need to say something to make yourself feel better even if the other person doesn''t ''hear'' you.

 

[Caribou]

logan, I had a similar thing happen yesterday.

My friend/co-worker is the kind of person who can say whatever she wants to you but if you talk to her the same all H-E double toothpicks breaks out. She's like this with everyone and I'm ashamed we've let it go on for so long. Lately, she's been more nasty to me in her responses than normal and only tells me she's kidding when she realizes that I'm upset. This was the last straw: She's been off work all week, I wasn't too concerned (I'm not a worry wort in nature) because I knew if something really bad had happened I would have found out so I knew she was either on vacation or sick. Well she calls me yesterday and says 'Do you miss me not being at work' I didn't realize it was her because she has Bronchitis and she sounded exactly like my mom, who upset me the day before so I'm sure at first I sounded annoyed. But once I realized it was her, I said 'Where have you been?!?!?!" Her response was a nasty 'I've been sick, you idiot!'

She did not say is nicely at all. I was so pissed off that I almost hung up on her. I decided than, that I've had it with her and her nasty attitude and the way she speaks to me. I sent her an e-mail telling her so and telling her to not every speak to me like that again. I'm so frustrated with her at this point, I don't care if we every talk again.

Now, you might not want that to be the end result, who knows, but I would confront her in whatever manner you feel comfortable (e-mail, phone call). If you would never talk to her like that, she should not talk to you that way either, it's called respect.