Would you get ticked?

[bookworm21]

Hi everyone, let me ask a question, since this is a very helpful forum. Please tell me HONESTLY whether I may have overreacted.
For my friend''s birthday, I purchased a gift card for her because she requested it. I asked several different people (all her close friends) to chip in, and everyone was happy to do so because it''s something we do every year. Well, she seemed really happy with the card, no complaints or anything.

Fast forward several months, it''s several weeks past my birthday, and we all go out to dinner. The same friend purchased a gift card for me, with contributions from three different people. Keep in mind that I did not request a birthday present, nor did I expect one. I never do, because I feel it''s more important that I have people there celebrating with me rather than buying gifts. I thank her graciously and tuck away the gift card without opening it to look at the value.

I opened it and found out that each person had contributed $5 for my gift card than we did for my friend''s gift card (although there were 6 people that chipped in for hers.) I was surprised that one person chipped in and asked for my friend''s advice what I should do in return as a thank you, since it was that girl''s bday too, but I didn''t think we were doing a gift exchange.

So my friend emails me and gives me a great suggestion. Then she proceeds with this email (paraphrasing):

"Can I be a bit** here and ask why each person''s contribution to my bday gift was only $20 each? I had to fork over money, which I wouldn''t have had to if everyone gave $25 like I expected."

I got really pi**ed

when I read that and emailed her a scathing reply, essentially lecturing her that a gift is a GIFT, and exactly that. I told her that I give gifts because it makes people happy, and if they ask why they receive so little, it takes the fun out of it. I told her to stop putting a monetary value on everything, that it''s the thought that counts. (This is the woman who complained that people who gave less than the cost of their plates at her wedding were cheap and lacked etiquette.

) I told her that if it would make her happy, I''ll give her the difference between what she contributed to mine and I left it at that.

Now, correct me if I''m wrong, but isn''t that EXTREMELY rude, regardless of how close two friends are? I personally don''t think a question like that should even be asked. I honestly thought that the amount we put in for her bday card was substantial, and the difference per person was only a few dollars. I''m tempted to just not talk to her ever again, because this is something that comes up again and again.

Thoughts?

 

[SeattleSparkle]

I don''t know if I''d completely end the friendship over this, but yeah, that''s really rude.

Gifts are gifts; not obligiations.

 

[AndyRosse]

Would I get ticked? Of course.

Would I end a friendship over it? Well, I''m not in your shoes, so I really can''t say. If this is just another thing to add to your list of "why the heck am I friends with her?", then perhaps.

It doesn''t sound like she is your best friend, so maybe just talk things out and take it from there. I would probably just try to not associate with her as much and instead surround yourself with friends that don''t always make you want to scream and rip your hair out

.

 

[Kaleigh]

Sounds like a very rude friend and who needs those?? If this happens over and over time to say buh bye. Just my 0.2. I had a friend like that once. We were friends since the 3rd grade. She b*tched all the time but I was loyal as we had been friends forever. One day she did something completlely selfish and I kicked her sorry as* to the curb. She was toxic and to this day, I never regretted my decision. But YOU have to feel comfortable in doing something like that. It''s not easy. If you feel that you can talk to her and explain your feelings, then save the friendship. If she''s not the type to listen and is one of those people that it''s all about me, then ditch her. Took me a long time to learn this and thank god I did.

Good luck!!

 

[Mara]

well she did preface it with knowing she was going to be bitchy by asking....

i would have just said..'i dont know, but if it really bothers you, why don't you ask everyone!!!' and then leave it at that. of course she wouldn't ask! i don't know that i would have sent a scathing email to her, esp if she is a good friend...i don't like fighting with my close circle, because they are in a close circle for a reason. we do have our differences at times but we all have been friends for years now and we can pick and choose battles. BUT i will say that when i do feel strongly about something, it is easy to say things to friends you can regret. one of my friends and i didnt speak for a month early this year over a fight we had about how irresponsible she is about her dog (off leash issues), but then we just started talking again and got past it and now everyone makes jokes about it. she knows how i feel and vice versa, no need to belabor an issue you don't agree on yanno. i would just leave it where it is and see if you both can drop it, if you don't want to make it a bigger deal. you spoke your mind at least...feel good about that.

our gang does gift cards that we all chip in for on birthdays, because it's just easier than getting everyone gifts, and there are about 11-12 people in our group now (including SO's) so it just makes sense for everyone to give $20 or something and someone get's a nice $200 gift card to a spa or nordstroms or something. esp since there are about 5 guys in the group and they hate to go buy stuff.

at christmas we all do a gift exchange for 1 person ,drawing names out of a hat and just give a $25 gift, because it's just too costly to give everyone gifts, even though many of these people are our really good friends. everyone knows that no one is made of money and that we are all buying family gifts too, and we all can respect that.

but some people yanno...they always see the glass as half empty!!

 

[FireGoddess]

Very odd how petty people can be sometimes. I love getting gifts but I love buying them more...hunting out something well suited for the recipient...it IS the thought that counts after all. What I don''t understand is that she did the collecting for your gift MONTHS after she received hers- she could figure out how much everyone put in for her gift if it was that important to her...and if she wanted to organize your gift and didn''t want to ''fork anything out'' why didn''t she just do the same amount per person on yours??? I don''t get that.

Regardless, people can be funny about money, though a few bucks here or there should not be a big deal between friends. Anyway, it was rude of her and I think Mara''s comment was well put - tell her to talk to them about it....which she never would of course because it''s a petty thing to bring up. And leave it at that. If she''s upset about it...well then maybe next year she should just receive a few little $20 gifts from separate people and be done with it. See if that goes over better.

 

[strmrdr]

if you stay friends, next year get her mcdonalds bucks.
one per person for a total of $6 :}
Thats what I do with people like that.

or buy em a pack of paper plates and wrap em up.

or glad storage containers.

 

[mrssparkles]

Money is the root of many evils and undeniably it has broken many relationships. I would not be too quick to terminate a friendship just like that, based on a person's crass attitude towards money. What would matter to me more, if I put aside this flaw (no matter how annoying it is), is whether she has been a true friend, and come to my aid when I need it most. If she is someone whom you can trust with your feelings and not betray you, then I think it's a friendship worth treasuring.

But if she is none other than one of the many "social" friends you have, then I think even if you lessen your socialising with her, you are not going to miss her presence too much. But having said that, if she is a member of a clique you keep, it would be uncomfortable if you oust her from the group, who may or may not think she deserves it.

I have lost a girlfriend and her friendship mattered to me. When we were fighting, we were awful b*tches to each other. Our husbands were dragged in, and it was a very painful time. I still miss her till today but we have both moved on. So now, I try not to take friendships too lightly.

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 12/16/2005 8:11:01 PM
Author: strmrdr
if you stay friends, next year get her mcdonalds bucks.
one per person for a total of $6 :}
Thats what I do with people like that.

or buy em a pack of paper plates and wrap em up.

or glad storage containers.

LOL, I like the suggestions

. I have some people those would work just perfectly for hehe.

 

[bookworm21]

Thanks for the replies and advice everyone. I had the entire day to stew about it and decided to just socialize with her less. It''s something that comes up again and again with her, the preparation for her wedding was a nightmare, because she turned into one of those Bridezillas. She was snappy towards her bridesmaids, which included me, and her take on it was: "Everything has to be MY way. It''s MY bachelorette party, and it''s MY bridal shower. I shouldn''t have to help with any decorations or planning or anything." I understand that whole the-bride-is-the-princess thing, but she was extremely difficult.

Strm, thanks for the suggestions, they made me smile. I am SO tempted to give her the Mickey D''s Arch Card to her next year.

Kaleigh, I''m sorry to hear about that toxic friendship. But your experience and comments helped me to see that she is one of those people that''s all about her, so thank you.

Mara, like you and that friend you got into a fight with, me and her had gotten into a couple of fights within the last year alone, usually because of her selfishness. I just shrugged my shoulders and got over it, but this time, it really made me angry that she would be that petty over a measly $5.

Why, oh why, are some women so mean to other women sometimes?

 

[Mara]

I definitely do believe that life is too short to waste time...I keep a small circle of friends and then have acquaintances that I spend less time with, definitely. One of our other friends is having problems with that same gal I got upset with earlier this year and they were kind of going back and forth and not talking and this and that and I told both of them (separately) that they had to decide if the years friendship was worth getting over differences and accepting each other for who they are, good and bad, and if that wasn''t acceptable for them (either one of them), that they should just become more acquaintances than the good friends they once were. Seemingly that is where it is heading, the guy has decided he doesn''t want to be close with someone who doesn''t respect him in the way he requires and so he told her so. So they will probably see each other at our group gatherings but not hang out anymore. Sadly, that does happen in life sometimes, you grow up and/or away from people. Sometimes that works for you and sometimes it doesn''t and you realize the friendship is far more valuable than you thought.

I think stepping back from this gal for a while and seeing how that feels will definitely do you some good, Cinderella!! Good luck.

 

[LizzieC]

Yes it''s perfectly acceptable that you''re ticked... her email was extremely rude and tacky. I''m just going to echo what other people said, and say, you don''t need people in your life who bring you down. Not saying to cut her out compeletly, but it sounds like she''s shown her true colors, so you know now what she''s about and what you are dealing with. If it were me, I''d move her from the "Friend" category to the "Aquaintance Plus" category.

Most importantly... don''t let her (or anyone else) get you down. Gotta let things roll off your back like water on a ducks back, right?

LC

 

[DonaBella]

I think all of us have had something similar happen to us...I had a toxic relationship with a "friend" who was that way. She would buy lunch and expect me to up it with dinner and a movie or her gift to me for my birthday or Christmas became evidentually a competition of sorts. I slowly ended the torture for us both. She was not happy that I was happy in my life and it ruined our friendship. Our relationship diminished and the competition took its place. I knew her for over 20 years and in the last year and 1/2 it wasn''t loving or real so I was upfront with her and honestly told her that I couldn''t and wouldn''t continue this relationship this way...She didn''t like it and saw me as someone who wasn''t willing to spar with her. I still care about her but her life has gone down a different path, one that I cannot and will not support or advocate. I wish her well and that is that. I will say that if she ever needed me, I would still try to be helpful in some form or fashion. That''s just me though...

 

[fire&ice]

Gift Cards - Don''t get me started. They assess a monetary value - that''s the problem with them. Anyway - that''s another story.

Sounds like your friend is the type to"keep score". Some people are like that. Bascially comes down to insecurity. Why is that person''s engagement ring larger than mine? Does my fiance love me less? I doubt whether she will change. Next time buy her a gift. She will never know whether is costs $20.00 or $25.00.

 

[partgypsy]

Yep, I was going to say the same thing. Next time no giftcards. Either buy/make a gift (cake?) or take the person out to lunch. Whatever happened to "it''s the thought that counts"?

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Wow.... I mean WOW... I can''t believe this phrase: "I had to fork over money, which I wouldn''t have had to if everyone gave $25 like I expected." If that doesn''t scream "ungrateful" then I don''t know what does. I honestly wouldn''t end a friendship or anything over it, but I definitely wouldn''t get her a gift the next occasion.

 

[flopkins]

I''d definitely be ticked, I wouldn''t get her anything next year for her bday.... maybe just a card.

 

[Mimikins24]

Cinderella,

I am in agreement with everything that has been posted before. I recently had a falling out with a friend (of about 8 or 9 years) of mine over wedding related issues. Sometimes it takes the stress of a situation or a special occassion (like the current birthday or the previous wedding) to show one''s true colours as a friend.

Since you mentioned that it is a repeating pattern with this particular woman (as it was with my friend), it seems like you have to either decide to put her on the "acquaintance" list or cut ties all together. I''m sure you have a feeling of where you want to take the relationship, but her rude, self-centered attitude is just plain unhealthy. Whatever you decide to do, I agree with buying gifts instead of gift cards next time --- although that may upset her as well, if she perceives that to be "less valuable" than the gift she provides.

Good luck!!! I was also wondering how the other people that were in on the gift felt about these comments?

 

[monarch64]

Ouch! I would certainly not be pleased with her feelings about what she received, as well as the fact that she verbalized them period! Alas, some people are much more focused than others on the monetary value of things, and IMO that tends to limit them in life. While I wouldn''t have had the cajones to do it, you were right in putting her in her place for what she said to you in her email. It''s never proper to question the value of a gift, no matter if it''s a wedding, birthday, or "just because" gift, etc. If I were you, I would chalk her up to a friendly acquaintance, and pay no more mind to the matter whatsoever. She''s not worth your time.

 

[bookworm21]

I think I''ll be moving this particular woman to the "acquaintance" category, which seems to be the general consensus here.

Mara: I did what you suggested. Admittedly, I didn''t give it a lot of time, but I realized I felt like crap after practically every encounter with her.

Deanne: I''m so sorry to hear about that friend. It definitely sounds like the path that my friendship with this woman would go through, so I''m giving up early before I get really angry and say something I might regret. And you''re definitely the bigger person for even wanting to help her in the future, considering her behavior towards you.

F&I & Gypsy: I guess she is the type to keep score, although in her case, it''s more like subtle bragging. I tend to wind up very frustrated and short tempered after every encounter with her. As for gifts, she''s the type that will go to a store to look at the item, just to find out the value of the gift!

aphisgloves and Flopkins: Yep. That''s was my reaction when I read it. It was disbelief that turned into indignation and then anger. She''s not getting anything next year.

Mimikins: Funny thing is, I saw her true colors when I was her bridesmaid for her wedding. You''re definitely right about stress bringing out the real personality in people. Oh, and about the other people who were in on the gift: I highly doubt she said anything to them about it. I didn''t mention it because I didn''t want to start any drama. And if she did mention it to the others, they''re the type to brush it off and chalk it up to her being spoiled while she was growing up.

Thanks for the well wishes everyone! I''m about to go and find me some new friends with a healthy outlook.....

 

[Caribou]

I would be p*ssed off too!!!

My cousin did something similar in regards to nasty rude e-mail. She had invited me and a bunch of other people to a Christmas thing for her daughter. Well after, I received a bulk e-mail from her thanking those who went and then proceeded to b*tch out those of us who didn''t go and blame us for her spending $8 a ticket (she ended up wasting $75 because she pre bought tickets). This nasty-gram was the first I had heard of this Christmas thing so I was kind of p*ssed that she sent this e-mail. So I responded just as nasty back and told her that this was the first I had heard of this thing and if she bought tickets without finding out who was coming than that''s her fault. Then I told her that if she had a beef with any of us that didn''t come she should have taken that up with us individually not in a bulk e-mail.

I saw her at Christmas that year, she didn''t say two words to me. Now we''re fine.....but man I was livid then.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 12/19/2005 3:18:09 AM
Author: Cinderella
As for gifts, she''s the type that will go to a store to look at the item, just to find out the value of the gift!

Now, there is someone with WAY too much time on their hands.

Friendships need maintaining. Sometimes it needs some work and acceptance of traits that can make you crazy. But, at a certain point, if evey encounter exhausts you - then time for a break or even move on. Sorry about your situation.