Yay, he got the job! In ... Houston?

[Circe]

In any of you have any experience with LDR-style marriages, I would very much appreciate your advice ....

But first, a little backstory seems fair. My guy and I had been the doing the long distance thing when I was in grad. school, me on the East Coast, and him on the West - luckily, he had a lot of job flexibility, so we had a two-weeks on, two-weeks off arrangment going. Cushy, right? Nevertheless, we were both delighted when I landed a position less than two hours away from him (being in academia, the two-body problem is rampant). We bought a house half-way in between, I learned to drive (if not to love the driving), and all was well!

Except for one little thing ... his job, which, while great, wasn''t a permanent position, and we both started to worry a little bit about how we''d manage a two-academic family down the line. He started poking around for non-academic jobs, hoping for a little more flexibility, and managed to land a wonderful position in a really competitive field with a company that has offices all over the world. Terrific, right?

Except for one thing ... their LA office isn''t hiring this year, and anyway, his abilities are a better fit with their Houston office to start (he''s transitioning from the sciences into business, so it''s a great bridge to be in the part of the country that houses the bulk of the energy industry).

I''m thrilled for my husband - this is a fantastic opportunity, and I''m incredibly proud of him. But the logistics are freaking me out a tad. Long-term, I think this is going to be great for us. But short term?

The way his new job will work is as follows: he''ll be traveling intensively during the week, but his weekends will be sacred. So we''re planning for me to move closer to my university (living so far away has put a bit of a cramp into both my work-schedule and my social life), with him popping down for weekends, and me making the occasional trip out to him when I''m not going mad with work (still being in academia, my weekends are decidedly *not* sacred). But ... selling our house? Keeping two apartments? Managing the travel without going mad, or engendering resentment on either side? HELP!

... and, that turned into a nice bit of tl;dr. But, at any rate, it''s nice to get it off my chest and think it out a bit: if any of you have any suggestions on how to manage, I''ll be eternally grateful. Meanwhile, it''s back to the massive stack of papers to be graded on my decidedly non-sacred weekend ....

 

[Maisie]

I don''t know how you manage being married and living apart. I would hate it.

 

[neatfreak]

Oh geez Circe...I totally sympathize. My DH and I are both finishing our Ph.D''s in different fields, but were both planning on entering academia. Now that we draw closer, we realized that it might make more sense for DH to use his other skills and go into industry (not a bad thing, he loves it and it pays much more!). Unless you can manage to get joint appointments somewhere, it seems so hard to manage.

Anyway, I digress. Back to you. I personally wouldn''t do it unless it was a short term thing. But that is just me. Do you have tenure at your university? Is it possible that you could begin the job search process for a position near Houston? Could he maybe wait a bit longer and see if something opens up in LA?

I guess if he is always travelling during the week anyway it doesn''t really matter where he is based, but I think it would take its toll on me after a *very* short period of time. Hope you guys can work it out as it seems like such a good opportunity for him!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

How accommodating is the company he''s working for?

When DH and I were dating he worked for a major, multi-national consulting company and would often travel during the week and be home on the weekends. Several of his coworkers kept small studio apartments here on the East Coast, but had a home with a wife and sometimes even a family in the midwest or west coast. The company would pay to fly them back to their hometown on weekends or fly their wives to the East Coast for the weekend, whichever worked best. One guy had been doing it for 5 years (no kids), but for the others it was a very short term solution.

In terms of the logistics, would his company be willing to pay for any type of corporate housing and pay for him to fly to the West Coast instead of back to Houston on the weekends?

I think it can work for some couples--I never really minded him travelling during the week, I was always very busy anyway and it allowed me to spend more time with him on the weekends. Also, I enjoyed flying out to where he was sometimes. He decided to get out of consulting before he proposed, though, he seemed to think the distance would be harder in a marriage.

When we were engaged I was living in the midwest and he was on the east coast, I got an amazing job offer there, but they were not as accommodating and it would have been expensive to see him every weekend. In the end, I decided that it was a bad fit and moved back to the east coast shortly after.

I think that in the short-term, anything can work, but if his job is flexible with letting him travel back to the west coast to see you on weekends, it would make it much, much easier for you both. I know that because you''re in academia your weekends will be full, but just being able to see each once a week will make it more bearable.

 

[Circe]

Thanks, all, for the sympathy and the suggestions. More specifically ....

Neatfreak, that's exactly it. Unless you're incredibly lucky, or famous enough to swing a spousal hire (which neither of us is, as yet), establishing two secure positions in the same locale is nigh on impossible. Good luck to you and your guy! I'm tenure-track out here, but it's my first year. I *could* go back on the market, but, well, I really like my university, and being that I just started, I'd kind of feel like I was screwing them over if I left after a year. Namby-pamby moral issues aside, the failing economy doesn't seem to be helping the already-tight academic market at all: I know a number of brilliant people in my field who went on the market this year ... and none of them found spots. Will next year be better? Maybe. But however you cut it, it's still going to necessitate at least a year of LDR. Waiting for something better would be a bit of a gamble for him, as this position really *is* perfect, aside from the proximity issues ... so it looks like we're just going to have to figure out some good coping strategies.

NewEnglandLady, what you're describing is pretty much precisely the situation that we're going to be in: we still need to get the details from his company, but that's the scenario as I understand it. It's incredibly reassuring to hear that it's doable! I'd been feeling a little nervous about the possibility that "weekends are sacred" could be equivalent to the academic shorthand of "low teaching load" ... good intentions that don't necessarily correspond to reality.

 

[Rhea]

I feel for you. I have a few professors that had this problem. Even after working so hard for tenure everything was up in the air if the other spouse changed positions.

I don''t have any tips on how to deal with it. Both fortunately and unfortunately (I liked only doing my own laundry and he liked only cleaning up after one person

) our LDR days are over.

I like NEL''s idea of asking the company to fly your partner to your area rather than to Houston on the weekends.

Another thought, while your weekends aren''t scared, that could be a good thing. In my LDR experience (3 years while dating internationally) it can be a bit easy to get used to having only free time with your partner. DH had a real tough time going from every second we spent together to be dedicated to us to having to share me with various other tasks such as vet appointments and me actually wanting to watch TV in the evenings. We tried to keep it as normal life as possible while seeing each other but you know how things can be.

How short term is short term, btw?

 

[Circe]

Short term for us is going to be relatively long term, no matter how you cut it: he''ll be stationed in Houston for at least 2 years, with the possibility of a transfer once he''s grounded in the field, and able to draw upon his experience *there* as opposed to his science background, which is most applicable to the energy industry; me, even if I went on the market next year (which I have some qualms about), it would still be at least a year more at my current location. Grah, academia ... I love *everything* about my field except for the various geographical restrictions.

We''re pretty used to the LD thing in terms of strategies while we''re apart ... it''s more the weirdness of the weekend-only schedule for actually seeing one another that concerns me. It''s going to necessitate a massive amount of travel for a relatively short amount of time together, and I want us to figure out how to make the most of it without either of us feeling unfairly pressured. Am eagerly awaiting further details, and hoping that there''s some magic business solution that I''m just too emotionally involved/humanities-minded to see ....

 

[appletini]

Well as a Houstonian who works in the energy sector, I can tell you that there are quite a few colleges in the area for you to find a job (even if you have to go as far as College Station, Prarie View, or Galveston). And if your DH is getting into the energy industry even if he''s going to be here for at least two years, there is a very good chance that he''ll continue to have Houston as a base of operations, even if he has "temporary" assignments elsewhere in the future.

 

[Circe]

Hm ... interesting point, Appletini. Could I ask you ... what''s Houston like? I''m a native New Yorker, and living out in LA, I miss urban life madly: LA may be one of the largest urban centers in the country, but the sprawl makes it feel fairly suburban to me (we''re out past Pasadena), and it''s the one big downside. Short-term, even for the occasional weekend, if Houston is more urban, this could be good for us in terms of general happiness: long-term, we''d been discussing the possibility of moving to a more urban center (NY is home, but Seattle, Chicago, and Boston have all been pie-in-the-sky possibilities) somewhere in the distant future. We''d never really considered Houston, and I''m completely in the dark about what life''s like out there. Could you (or any other Houstonians) maybe fill me in on what the downtown area is like, the public transportation, the general feel of the place?

 

[appletini]

H-town is huge and spreadout, but there is a big difference between being in the burbs and close in. There is a reason why we are one of the fattest cities...the food is fabulous! Everything inside the loop is urban and upscale. About 10 years ago was the start of a revitalization project for downtown that actually made it fun to hang out there after work...great hotels, theaters, bars, etc. The midtown area near downtown has lots of apartments, townhouses, and its all walkable to restaurants and bars. However the for a big city we have a much lower cost of living. In gerenal everyone is very friendly (Southern hospitality) unless you are driving. And Houston for the most part is very casual, which is both good and bad, because you can go to to a 5-star restaurant for dinner and see people wearing jeans, but thats just how it is. Although Houston was not designed for mass transit...we did a get a light rail for the super bowl and it goes from downtown, to the medical center and ends at Reliant stadium. We do have a bus system, but I''ve never used it.

Here is a link from the Baylor College of Medicine website about life in Houston...
http://www.bcm.edu/about/houston/

 

[Circe]

"In gerenal everyone is very friendly (Southern hospitality) unless you are driving. "

This cracks me up, because as a NY pedestrian and an LA driver, I like to joke that I''m the bastard love-child of the coasts, and the worst of all possible worlds. Thanks for the info.! This has me feeling more optimistic about the possibilities the move engenders. An affordable, walkable downtown area would be a godsend for us, even if it is just on weekends. I really appreciate this - I''m leaving for a conference tomorrow (perfect timing, universe!) but I''ll probably start a new thread for specific Houston coolness sooner or later. Again, thanks!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Everyone needs to make their own choices in life, and I know nothing about you, Circe, or your relationship except what you have written here, so take my opinions with a grain of salt!

If it matters, I am in academia too and my hubby works in the private sector...

I firmly believe in not going out of my way to "test" my marriage, so in that same light I would absolutely not have a long distance marriage. I could tolerate a few days a week, but I think a couple should be together more than they are apart. Of course, some couples may actually benefit from the type of long-distance marriage that you describe--couples where both people have a strong need for independence and who really prize their time alone, for example, could benefit from such an LD relationship. Alternatively, some people may not find the time apart that stressful on their marriage--couples where both people are more introverted and so don''t meet lots of "interesting"

strangers. One of my colleagues was apart from her husband all through grad school and then was apart from him during the week for another 2 years when their first academic jobs were in different cities. She found the whole thing very romantic, but then I think she and her hubby are both fairly independent and introverted people! Although I am independent, I am not introverted, so I would not have an LD marriage for more than a couple days a week.

Iif you are tempted to go to Huston, I just wanted to point out that as an assistant professor already you may actually be very marketable. You can still apply for assistant professor positions, and your competition will be mostly graduate students, who may or may not have the teaching and supervising experience that you have. Once you have tenure it can actually become very hard to move around, b/c positions for associate profs are less common (at least this is how it works in my field, I don''t know about yours). Don''t feel bad about "ditching" you job, people understand the demands of two-career families.

Hope it all works out! If you choose the LD thing, I guess as long as you know about the challenges and do everything you can to keep the bond with your hubby, your experience could be like my colleague''s... she still talks about those early years of her marriage with fondness and smile on her face!

DD

 

[curiopotter]

Circe,

I have great empathy for your situation. DF''s career path is also geared toward the energy industry (luckily we''re in Houston where there''s a huge energy sector) and sometimes I worry about him being sent away for long periods of time.

I think short term, phone calls, webcam conferences, and trips are your best bet to stay connected to your hubby, but long term, I think you should try looking for another job here in Texas. Inside Houston, there''s Rice University, The University of Houston, Houston Baptist University, Baylor University; The University of Texas and A&M University have sattelite research facilities here as well. College station is only a few hours away, Austin has a ton of schools and is only 3 hours away from Houston. Heck, even Dallas is 4.5 hours away.