You decide. Does this beat T-Guy and the guest book?

[Gypsy]

SO in late May is John''s mother''s 70th birthday.

John had the bright idea at Christmas time, being a loving son, that they should all do something special for his mother. Then he told his sister''s to go plan something. I wasn''t aware of this. When John mentioned to me ONE TIME that they were doing something nice for her I thought they''d do a family dinner at her favorite restraurant or something.

4000 dollars and a 100 people invited later (we weren''t told about this part, John didn''t think to follow up on details, when he talked to his sisters he just made sure that they were planning ''something''), we''re told we need to contribute 1000 to this event, that since John is just about to start a new job on Monday, he may not even be able to attend.

Honestly, every $$ we have is earmarked for the wedding. He knows this. He didn''t realize that it would get this out of hand (although if I''d been asked, I could have told him that he should have told them at the begninning "we are willing to contribute X amount").

This thing is BIGGER than our wedding (90 people on our guest list). And one of his sisters is now talking about hiring a DJ since there will be a TON of people there with nothing to do. I stopped listening when someone mentioned that they should think about flowers. All costs split four ways. They are all MUCH older than John (he was the surprisechild ) and more established. And can afford this thing. They AREN''T PLANNING A WEDDING FOR SEPTEMBER, and apparently it didn''t occur to ANY of them that since we are we MIGHT be strapped for an extra thousand dollars or more.

Seriously, he''s the only thoughtful sibling. His sisters had forgotten it was a landmark birthday. Left up to them they would have all remembered sometime in April and thrown something together... nice and informal and fun. But since John''s been after them since December... they''ve all had time to PLAN.

And boy have they.

Don''t get me wrong. I LOVE FMIL, she''s going to be so touched, and so happy. And she really deserves this... but I could just kill someone.

I can''t attend. Can''t get the time off work, can''t afford to fly out. Can''t BELIEVE this thing has gotten out of hand like this. I''m in absolute AWE. And wondering where we''re going to get the $$.

I''m going to sit here and bang my head against the key board for a while. Maybe the urge to stangle something will pass. Eventually.

 

[zoebartlett]

Wow! I''m not even sure what to say. Can you have John just tell his siblings that giving them $1000 for the party is not something he''s able to do? He can offer to pay some amount towards the party but $1000 is A LOT of money (even if you''re not in the middle of planning and paying for a wedding). Why didn''t they consult with him on the cost before making all these plans? Is it too late to change some things or is everything booked and a done deal?

 

[Gypsy]

I was in a pissy mood and it came through in my voice when I talked to John about it just now. So he was defensive. It''s his mother, her 70th birthday, it was his idea... all of which I get. I told him to tell them that we could afford (barely and not even that in reality) to pay 500 toward the event. He said he''s talking to the three of them this weekend, and they will decide together, and that we would discuss things when I get home and I would have the opportunity to talk to him then. I am admittedly, livid. Still. So, calming down and having a rational discussion is a good thing. Cause right now, I''m just mad. His family is generally very inconsiderate.

Everytime we do a family thing his sister with three FULLY grown children expects to pay the same amount of family contribution that John and I do, with two people. Everytime we go to a restaurant she''s like... we split the bill five ways right. Um. NO. YOu have FIVE ADULTS, we have TWO. MOM is ONE person, why would she pay as much as YOU? So then we end up splitting it four ways, with mom included on our tab. Which is much more fair. But it''s ALWAYS an arguement. Her daughters call her the queen of cheap. And she really is. She''s always trying to foist expenses off on other people. Drives me up the freaking wall. So this is just bringing this all up for me.

 

[scm1012]

I don''t know what to say about your FMIL''s party since your guy is the one who brought it up in the first place and didn''t set ground rules. It''s his mess, let him figure a way out of it by either offering less $$ or reminding his sisters that he has a wedding to pay for later this year.

As far as other times when everyone seems to take advantage of the two of you...you really need to nip that in the bud now and get a backbone. When you go out for family dinners, ask the waiter privately for a separate check for the two of you and whoever you want to pay for...or, chip in for only what you and FI drink or eat and make sure everyone knows that is all you are putting in. You need to stick up for yourself now or else you''re in for a lifetime of feeling as if you are being taken advantage of. And if your FI is always sticking his foot in his mouth, this would be a good time to start teaching him to discuss things with you before he commits to things with his family.

 

[bee*]

Oh gosh Gypsy-that''s rotten!! I think that John has to talk to his sister''s about it and say that he can''t afford to give that much $$. $1000 is a lot to give in. Work out what you can contribute and he can say to them that this is all the $ that he has to give towards it.

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah... we just talked again. He''s going to have a conversation with the one we suspect is driving all the costs up this evening. Especially as his youngest sister (and the most considerate) won''t be able to make it out to our wedding if these plans go through. Which just would not be what his mother would want. There is an easy way to scale the whole thing back... which is to move it to a Sunday event at a different venue (that isn''t available on that Saturday) where both mom and middle sister are members and get a large discount on everything and then cater the thing buffet style from a couple of local restaurants so there is no per head charge. It would cost a LOT less and still be very nice. Middle sister had her daughter''s two sweet sixteen''s there. Honestly FMIL would love it if anything was planned, she''s like that. Doesn''t have high expectations at all. And I KNOW it would really upset her if all of John''s sister''s weren''t at our wedding (she''s mentioned it before). And really his youngest sister wouldn''t be able to afford both. I also told him that what upset me is that when he spoke to his other sister he was vague and said, "I don''t know if we can afford that much." when I really felt that his response should have been "We can''t do it. Absolutely can NOT do it." None of them have to fly out to attend the thing either.

He''s got a backbone... he was just really surprised by all of this, and I think just felt obligated and didn''t want to sound like he was cheaping out on his mom''s birthday.

I told him that in 5 years she''ll be 75 and we can have a big fancy bash for her then. But one where everyone has PLANNED for the expense of it and has had time to save up for it. Not this thing that with 2 months notice we have to come up with a grand.

 

[bee*]

I can definitely understand how he probably feels like he has to go ahead with it, especially as he mentioned the whole thing in the first place. That sounds like a good plan if he suggests moving it to that other venue on the sunday. Your FMIL will have a great time if family are around no matter where they hold it. I hope that it works out!!

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. SO big sis got the hint. Guest list is going to be culled to about 40 people. She does want a restaurant, though. We we''ll see what we can find... No flowers, just a corsage (my idea) for FMIL, no DJ and a nice cake. John made it clear our contribution was NOT going to be large, especially if he''s flying out. Reminded her again and again about the wedding. So, hopefully this puppy is going to be wrangled under control, ASAP.

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh good, I''m glad things are being worked out. It''s a very nice way to celebrate your FMIL''s birthday.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hee hee hee...I could feel the rage all the way over here.

I bet oldest sister has whiplash.

 

[Sabine]

Wow, glad the drama is over! I could feel my blood boiling just hearing about that!

 

[diamondfan]

Houston, we have a problem.

What we have here is a huge failure to communicate.

It was nice of him to take it on in terms of making sure his mom''s milestone did not get overlooked. But, as the wedding is costing you guys a lot, and he is the younger less established sibling, it might have been helpful if he was explicit about what he could contribute.

I think there is nothing wrong with him telling the siblings that A: they should have been more communicative with him along the way as you guys are strapped because of the wedding, cannot attend and starting a new job. and B: that things have gotten out of control and he simply cannot give that kind of money at this time. I think the sooner that is made clear the better.

That really stinks. It might have been better to just take a small group to her favorite restaurant and call it a day. Oy, no good deed goes unpunished...

 

[swimmer]

Wow, that was a rollercoaster just to read through. Dear Lord Gypsy, you have nerves of steel. I hope all is sorted out by now. whew!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Don''t families just make you crazy?!?!

I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this honey - its just too much stress that you absolutely DON''T need right now. I''m glad it sounds like it is getting more under control now. Just stand firm and remind yourself (and John) that you guys are being totally reasonable here.

I agree also about nipping the cheapness issues in the bud - the idea of privately asking the waiter for a check is brilliant, or, alternatively, pounce on the bill as soon as it comes, whip out a pocket calculator, and calculate yours and John''s (and his mother''s if necessary) portion...Then she looks like the jerk if she tries to argue, because you are trying to be fair

 

[DMBFiredancer]

wow, i feel like i could have written your post!!! i'm going through the same exact thing except its his parents anniversary and there's only 2 siblings to split it. when i talked to his sister last week and she mentioned that she was booking the PHOTOGRAPHER for the party, my eyes nearly popped out of my head. i keep asking my FI how much we are going to have to contribute and he keeps skirting the issue, as if he doesnt want to deal with his sister or even TRY to calm her spending on this. i have a bad feeling our portion is going to be more than 1000, but i am hoping not.

hang in there and know that no matter what...everything will work out moneywise for you

i totally feel your pain, though....


edit: i read that things were calmed down...glad to hear! i can only WISH that would happen over here!

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, if you want to kill John (or his sisters) I''d be happy to send you my guestbook. It''s perfect for funerals.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/13/2008 1:04:13 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, if you want to kill John (or his sisters) I''d be happy to send you my guestbook. It''s perfect for funerals.

Hee hee hee TGal! You crack me up!(I had to go back into PS archives to figure out the story. Wow...)

 

[bee*]

Yay glad that it''s being reigned in

 

[monarch64]

Date: 3/13/2008 1:04:13 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, if you want to kill John (or his sisters) I''d be happy to send you my guestbook. It''s perfect for funerals.

LOL, priceless!

 

[BrownEyedCountryGirl]

Date: 3/13/2008 9:52:21 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 3/13/2008 1:04:13 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, if you want to kill John (or his sisters) I''d be happy to send you my guestbook. It''s perfect for funerals.

LOL, priceless!

Oh.Mah.Gawd... I completely forgot what I was going to say to Gypsy after reading that !!!!!

That is too funny !!!!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 3/13/2008 1:04:13 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, if you want to kill John (or his sisters) I''d be happy to send you my guestbook. It''s perfect for funerals.

ROFLMAO. The "Visitors Book"... gotta love it.

 

[Gypsy]

Freke and Sabine... yes, I was livid. Just flat out livid. I''ve been crunching numbers and balancing budgets for this thing and it was like a torpedo hit it all and BAM destroyed all the careful budgetting. Thankfully, John also made it clear that he was to be consulted about anything he is expected to chip in for. He told big sis that if he''s not asked about it in advance and doesn''t approve the funds... they aren''t getting it and can figure out how to pay for things on their own. YAY!


DF... Yes, a HUGE failure to communicate. His sisters are so diverse. The oldest one is the best off of all of them and she has very grandiose ideas regarding parties and events. You should have heard her ''affordable'' suggestions for our wedding... would have cost me three times what I''m paying now when all was said and done. This middle sister is the cheap one. And his youngest doesn''t have much of a backbone. He told them exactly what you suggested yesterday, and things seem to be reigning in nicely, so we''ll see. It would have been MUCH better to just take her to nice restuarant and call it a day. No good deed indeed.

Amber, thank you honey for always being so supportive. Yeah when I got home last night we had a long talk. I told him that I''m feeling very overwelmed right now and like I''m about to shatter half the time. And we talked things through. The cheapness suggestion is a good one, and one I''m going to suggest we do that next time we''re in that situation.

DMB-- I''m SO sorry. The thought of a photographer makes me cringe. I wouldn''t even have known WHAT to say to that. I really hope your situation can be resolved without too much frustration and expense. What helps with us is that even thouhg John is the youngest, he''s also the only son, and in an Italian family that holds a lot of weight. So when he puts his foot down, his sisters listen... at least minimally. I would suggest you get a clear understand of what you all can afford. Make it clear to your man that "X" is the maximum contribution you guys can manage, and that he''d better make that clear to the spend happy siblings. And if you need to vent, talk or scream. I''m here. ((HUGS))

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Oh I am so sorry all of this stress hit you! I am glad to see it looks like you''re working things out.

((Hugs!))

 

[Harleigh]

Phew, Gypsy, you''ve been one busy gal! I''m so glad you''re getting things worked out.

I cannot abide other people who act like John''s middle sister...we have some friends like that that always order the most expensive things on the menu, the most expensive (and largest quantity) of drinks, and then expect everyone else to pay for their share when the rest of us had salad and chicken and an iced tea in comparison to their lobster and filet mignon and two bottles of fine wine.

I have gotten really good at asking for separate checks from the get-go, alleviating the need to split the bill at the end of the evening. Oftentimes, I notice the spendy eaters NOT getting the most expensive things when they''re faced with paying for the full amount of their own bill...love it!

I''m proud of John for sticking up for you guys...hopefully he will continue to do so in the future, too!

Now, go have a glass of wine and try to relax, will ya?

And LOL at TGal! Bring on the Visitor''s Book!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

My goodness, I am glad there have been concessions since the original post! $1000 is absurd for most people. We have had two 50th anniversaries and both were with close family and just a couple of closest friends. The max we had to pay was something like $350. My FIL''s 80th birthday was last year, and I think the gift and dinner came to about $250 per sibling. To me, his mom would have been plenty happy to spend that evening with her children and their families. That way most of the food expense would be each sibling paying for their family and just splitting her meal and a few other close family members and friends. In that respect, if John is going out there alone and the sisters have husbands and children attending, his share should be smaller. Not to mention he has to fly out there and they don''t!