I just want to add my .02, for whatever it''s worth. It''s not the living together that''s the mistake, it''s doing so without thinking through the long term consequences of intermingling lives and things when one partner is ready to be married and the other is not. I think a lot of women think that moving in together will garuantee marriage or that it will persuade their boyfriends to wanting to get married. While that may happen, if he wants to marry you he will want to whether or not you live together. There is nothing wrong with being the live in girfriend, it''s what some people choose over marriage. But when a woman thinks she''s going to get her man to marry her because she''s moved in with him she is fooling herself and being unfair to him, unless the expecation of engagement and marriage is laid out in a timeline prior to moving in.
You are ADDED to the list....YAY! let the wait begin!Date: 10/11/2006 12:00:19 PM
Author: stillwaiting
Hi Ladies,
I am very glad to have found this site and have taken you advice and really given it some thought.
We sat down last night and had a very serious discussion about “our” future. I know sometimes it is hard to be honest with a person, and you don’t want to hurt them. We have been together for a long time and I do love him, I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Many people do say that young love can grow apart as you figure out who you are, but we have grown together. Although there are some things that we do not agree with.
Our talk was very positive. I asked the questions and got the answers I needed. The list of reasons was one issue he wanted to work on, which I know we can. I was relived that it was not a whole list.
We discussed that he dose want to get married in 2.5 years after he is done his degree, which I support. And he has plans of proposing within the year. I felt horrible that I needed a timeline of our proposal. He says he can’t give me a date, a month because things like this should be a surprise and he wants me to be blown away! I can understand this!!!
I appreciate very much all your suggestions and advice. I was a very upset yesterday and need some time to deal with my actually feelings. Thank-you so much for all you help.
Now maybe I can officially become a lady in waiting
Just the other day we had a big fight and he confessed he has a list of reasons why he won’t propose to me. I had walked away and said that he could not have meant that, even though he assured me these were his true feelings.
In regards to this comment I had made.
When we were fighting he came back at me and said that he had another reason to add to his list why he did not want to propose to me…yet! Now the previous day I had confronted him about the marriage issue because we had been out to dinner with HIS family and they again started discussing when we would be tying the knot. I was somewhat disgusted with this issue because his sister had said she was thought it was wrong we were living together and we were not yet married…but that is whole different subject.
Anyway when brought up a list, I was very upset and said “You can’t mean that” He told me the next day out of anger that he wanted me to believe this!
The next night when I we sat down to talk, I really wanted to know if there was such a list. NOT looking for the answers to make me feel better, BUT to know if he truly felt that way. He said there was NOT a list that he did want to be with me and get married. Although the issue he did have was when I am confronted with an issue, such as a fight I kind of shut down and need time to process and deal with it before I can really discuss it with a person. We both did agree that it was blown up and communication is important and could have prevented the fight.
Go out there, and get a life other than him
We and “I” do have life separate from each other. I hope that I don’t come off as he is my life and only him…It’s not like I sit at home each night wait for him. We have a busy schedule the both of us and have our own things and out together things. If he were to leave me today, I have my girlfriends, my own life to go one with.
BUT we also have a life together. We have been together for many years, his family his mine and vs versa. I am as close to his mom as I am to my own, our families and lives fit together.
However, out talk made me feel that we are stronger then we have been. I did mention that he DOSE need to deal with hurtful comments, which are hard to forget.
Don''t forget to post in the "Introduce Yourself"
Thanks, I will have to do this!
stillwaiting,
Patchee,Date: 10/11/2006 3:23:40 PM
Author: Patchee
Date: 10/11/2006 2:28:57 PM
Author: Patchee
I am not too sure why I feel insecure. I just feel like in a way we are living together, I am living the role of wife without the ring, the security, and the status of being his wife...but I am only the live-in g/f.
LOL.. Above is your statement (original poster)
Hello... I am the live in too, I think that was our first mistake!
I just want to add my .02, for whatever it''s worth. It''s not the living together that''s the mistake, it''s doing so without thinking through the long term consequences of intermingling lives and things when one partner is ready to be married and the other is not. I think a lot of women think that moving in together will garuantee marriage or that it will persuade their boyfriends to wanting to get married. While that may happen, if he wants to marry you he will want to whether or not you live together. There is nothing wrong with being the live in girfriend, it''s what some people choose over marriage. But when a woman thinks she''s going to get her man to marry her because she''s moved in with him she is fooling herself and being unfair to him, unless the expecation of engagement and marriage is laid out in a timeline prior to moving in.
Kimberly
And while I certainly 110% agree with you Kimberly sometimes you feel like ass when your love does not want to marry you, but you do. I *once* felt like this, people who remember my posts here can attest to such. Now I would not marry him for anything... Because I am happy with me and with our situation but that does not mean that I will be the live in forever.. If he wanted a live in then make it his live in wife... again, that won''t be me. SO many people live to gether unwed and that is fine in every aspect, that is if that''s what they BOTH want. Me, I think why fund his dream of *his* house hishishishis stuff when I could be doing the same on my own? I think marriage is a special bond but also some sort of security for the future. I certainly do not want to be 55 and have never owned my own home because I was too busy living with him, again, funding his dream. As a live in girlfriend which that is what I am we have NOTHING together on the financial end... So, although we are older adults and it is ok to keep financial ends separate you do end up feeling like you have nothing and that your just a live in girlfriend.
I think people who chose not to marry that do and have been living to gether for year are wrapped up financially together whether it is house or cars whatever to me, that IS normal.
What I am doing just is not.
Am I just too far out there or do I have an inkling of some kind of point?
I do think that living together we have learned a lot about eachother, and have probally gotten through the worst of it. Men can be so messy! Plus my bf is the baby of the family and had everything done for him!
still,Date: 10/11/2006 4:21:52 PM
Author: stillwaiting
Kim,
You have a very good advice. if I was in the same situation now I would think this would help me a lot.
Right now me and my bf are on the same path, maybe I am just more excited to get to the end. Plus to tell ya the truth I know I have been waiting for this all my life, to get engaged, married, have the wedding on my dreams. But the more I think about our talk last night...I think maybe with a year before we get engaged I might need that time. Sure we get the comments from out ffamily now about tying the knot but once we do, we will start hearing out the kids...and I know I don''t want to start a family right away. But don''t get me wrong I love kids...but need a little time!
Hi Musey,
Thanks Goodness I am not the only one! my sister after 3 years of being married just got pregnant. I really didn''t think it was out place to ask when..I knew it would happen when they were ready. Even though they are always asking us when we are getting married.Date: 10/11/2006 5:10:25 PM
Author: KimberlyH
still,Date: 10/11/2006 4:21:52 PM
Author: stillwaiting
Kim,
You have a very good advice. if I was in the same situation now I would think this would help me a lot.
Right now me and my bf are on the same path, maybe I am just more excited to get to the end. Plus to tell ya the truth I know I have been waiting for this all my life, to get engaged, married, have the wedding on my dreams. But the more I think about our talk last night...I think maybe with a year before we get engaged I might need that time. Sure we get the comments from out ffamily now about tying the knot but once we do, we will start hearing out the kids...and I know I don''t want to start a family right away. But don''t get me wrong I love kids...but need a little time!
I am so glad you have come to a place of understanding. Relationships, when they are on the right track, can be so amazing and such a blessing.
And there''s nothing wrong with not wanting kids immediately. Hubby and I still haven''t even decided whether or not we''ll have them at all. To each his own...everyone needs to create the life that is best for him or herself, no matter what outside influences say.
I just hope for everyone that they find happiness, and that isn''t always marrying the man they are currently with (this doesn''t seem to be the case for you).
You are definitely not alone. And if memory serves Mara and her husband are in the same boat as mine and I are, undecided. My sister has a 10 month old, she was married for 2 years when he was born. I saw her a few weeks ago and she said "whatever you do, wait 5 years." She was joking of course, because the baby is a ton of work and she's exhausted, but it cracked me up.Date: 10/11/2006 6:03:57 PM
Author: stillwaiting
Thanks Goodness I am not the only one! my sister after 3 years of being married just got pregnant. I really didn't think it was out place to ask when..I knew it would happen when they were ready. Even though they are always asking us when we are getting married.Date: 10/11/2006 5:10:25 PM
Author: KimberlyH
still,Date: 10/11/2006 4:21:52 PM
Author: stillwaiting
Kim,
You have a very good advice. if I was in the same situation now I would think this would help me a lot.
Right now me and my bf are on the same path, maybe I am just more excited to get to the end. Plus to tell ya the truth I know I have been waiting for this all my life, to get engaged, married, have the wedding on my dreams. But the more I think about our talk last night...I think maybe with a year before we get engaged I might need that time. Sure we get the comments from out ffamily now about tying the knot but once we do, we will start hearing out the kids...and I know I don't want to start a family right away. But don't get me wrong I love kids...but need a little time!
I am so glad you have come to a place of understanding. Relationships, when they are on the right track, can be so amazing and such a blessing.
And there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids immediately. Hubby and I still haven't even decided whether or not we'll have them at all. To each his own...everyone needs to create the life that is best for him or herself, no matter what outside influences say.
I just hope for everyone that they find happiness, and that isn't always marrying the man they are currently with (this doesn't seem to be the case for you).
Plus I don't want the only reason to get married be to just have children. I want to enjoy being married for a while
Thanks for the wonderful comments.
My bf is a great guy. I know he dose have a problem with saying things when he gets upset, but I have seen him imporve in this...other then that if for some reason we did not end up together I don't think I would ever find a guy as good as him! I saw a statment made that when you look at what type of husband/father your b/f might make you should look at his father. Might not be always the case....but I know his dad is an amazing father and husband!!!
Hmm...I have NEVER heard a statistic supporting this and am shocked that you say there is a research study supporting this.Date: 10/12/2006 12:43:29 AM
Author: Galateia
The stats debate is something that has cropped up on several threads, and is certainly a fascinating one. FF is doing his PhD in clinical pysch, and has this bizzare love of stats... weird. But I love him, stats and all.
After getting my dander up over one of the other threads, where I felt religious perspectives were using stats to support judgements made on 'living in sin', he linked me to a page that had stats results on the 'significantly higher' divorce rate among religious vs non-religious folk.That eased the knotting of my knickers considerably, and was a good lesson in relying too heavily on stats.
Date: 10/12/2006 1:23:33 AM
Author: RoseAngel04
Hmm...I have NEVER heard a statistic supporting this and am shocked that you say there is a research study supporting this.I personally would have assumed is was the complete opposite...interesting. It can also depend on what an individual or the researchers are defining as ''religious.'' This can be a very fuzzy subject for some...
I have heard that statisics supporting that couples who do cohabitate prior to marriage do have a higher divorce rate.
Mara,
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