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Invited to Bridal Shower, but no wedding invite?

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SarahLovesJS

SarahLovesJS

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Wowow. Okay, someone in my family is getting married in August. We (Mom and I) were invited to the bridal shower and couldn''t make it, but sent a nice gift by way of family member''s parents. I know they got the gift (no, not because of a thank you card..) because they told me they''re using it and love it. Okay, so that''ll suffice. Well, it''s a little over 30 days before the wedding and no wedding invite to be seen. Yes, it COULD still come. But considering that we live like not even 20 minutes from each other, I know it hasn''t been mailed and is just taking forever to get here. So if it does come at some point then I am obviously wrong, but this brings me to a question. What if there is no invite for us? Honestly, I don''t really want to go, so I would prefer that we aren''t invited. But WOW..anyone ever been invited to a shower without being invited to a wedding? I mean we already bought a gift for the wedding as well after being invited to the shower! It''s already wrapped! I hope we still have the receipt.. All the etiquette books I found said that it''s very rude to be invited to the shower, but not the wedding am I wrong?
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Oh and did I mention that I''ve been constantly bragged to about this wedding since the beginning of this year?
 
Date: 6/23/2008 7:59:26 PM
Author:SarahLovesJS
All the etiquette books I found said that it's very rude to be invited to the shower, but not the wedding am I wrong?
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Oh and did I mention that I've been constantly bragged to about this wedding since the beginning of this year?
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How rude indeed! Sarah, this is my understanding as well - no wedding invite = no bridal shower invite.
 
Wow...that is unbelievably rude. That is so rude that I would most likely call them out on it. Yikes.
 
Hmmmm....

In my family, and generally speaking in my part of North America, it is a common occurence when someone is having difficulty accomodating everyone to the wedding guest list, to include people on a bridal shower invite list.

So cousins, nieces, old aunties and neighbours are invited to a bridal shower so they can share in the bride's joy.

For us, this is a normal thing. I'm kind of surprised to hear that it's thought of as rude by others!
 
Yeah that seems rude to me. I'm only inviting people to the shower that are already invited to the wedding. They'll see their wedding invite before their shower invite. I don't know what you could say to them about it though. Maybe there's a nice way to ask them when the invitations are being sent out? Kind of innocently like, oh hey I didnt get mine yet? Because who does that, really? Maybe it did get lost?

I got invited to a bachelor/bachelorette party a few weeks ago that I went to and I am totally not invited to their wedding. I went anyways but it was a bit odd.
 
Just to play devil''s advocate here, is there a chance that the hosts of the shower put together the shower list and NOT the bride? That would explain why you''d be invited to one and not the other...

That''s the only good reason I can think of, otherwise it is weird.
 
I was once invited to a shower, but not the wedding. The wedding was in Florida, though and I live in Pittsburgh, so there was no way I could''ve gone to the wedding. The shower was in Pittsburgh so I guess that''s why I was invited to that.
 
Date: 6/23/2008 8:54:28 PM
Author: neatfreak
Just to play devil''s advocate here, is there a chance that the hosts of the shower put together the shower list and NOT the bride? That would explain why you''d be invited to one and not the other...

That''s the only good reason I can think of, otherwise it is weird.
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This would be my assumption as well.

The host of the shower invited friends of the bride.

The bride and groom had their list for the wedding.

Ideally the B & G would pay attention to the shower invite list and make sure those people were included in the wedding invites, but maybe this couple either had budget/space issues, or just weren''t particularly sensitive to etiquette
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Date: 6/23/2008 9:42:13 PM
Author: robbie3982
I was once invited to a shower, but not the wedding. The wedding was in Florida, though and I live in Pittsburgh, so there was no way I could''ve gone to the wedding. The shower was in Pittsburgh so I guess that''s why I was invited to that.
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I suppose that makes sense, logically, if they knew you for sure that you wouldn''t be able to go anyway... but I do think that it''s still really weird!

Sarah, I hope your invite got lost in the mail. Otherwise, geez, it does come off as gift mongering, IMO. I get what neatfreak is suggesting, but it seems unlikely that the person throwing the shower would be so dumb
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Hey everyone, just wanted to answer the questions. I am 99.9% sure the person getting married made the list because well..yeah I am sure they haven''t relinquished control of anything about this wedding yet and I really doubt that would stop at a shower. But anyway, as for budget issues or anything that seems really odd and I don''t think that is a problem. It would also be odd considering how I''ve been told for months to "save the date" and keep my "calendar clear" for that date. But hey who knows, maybe they just are being horribly slow at getting invitations out or they suddenly changed their minds.
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I just wouldn''t put it past them to invite us to a bridal shower to get a gift, and then drop us for the wedding. Sorry for such an indirect rant, and sorry if I am not really making a lot of sense. It''s a very weird, yet typical situation.
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yes I have...it was a co-worker...it''s funny because her grandma said to me at the shower..."I''ll see you at the wedding"...and I said...I''m not invited...and her jaw dropped!
 
I was invited to the a shower & not the wedding once. It was back when I was in college and didn''t know how things went. I would''ve like to see my friend get married but whatever. I don''t see her anymore so it''s no big on my part.

Sarah, I''d just mention to them you never received the invite. Or have someone mention it indirectly. I didn''t get an invite to my cousin''s wedding, but my parents did, address: The Surname Family. I double checked with my cousin if I could bring my FI. Later, I mentioned it to him & his FI in passing, (kinda funny story: even though it said The Surname Family my mom responded with 2 accepting, not 5 (or 6 counting FI). So Mom kinda dis-invited us to the wedding) and she was like, "What?!? I sent one out to you & your sister. What the hell happened to it!" So invites do get lost in the mail.
 
I would try to do some reconnaissance to figure out if maybe they haven''t sent invites yet or it was lost in the mail. As much bragging and date dropping as seems to have gone on, you certainly can''t be held in contempt for inquiring this close to the date. They''ve given you every expectation that you were invited. To answer your question, though, I''ve always heard/thought that it''s rude to invite somebody to the shower and not the wedding. FI''s aunt is throwing me a shower next month, and when we were all around the dinner table (us, FI''s parents, aunt and uncle, and grandmother) and the topic of the guest list came up, the very first thing said by basically everyone was "well, only people on the wedding list, of course...". Even the men were in agreement on that one.
 
Date: 6/24/2008 10:24:35 AM
Author: ladyciel

FI's aunt is throwing me a shower next month, and when we were all around the dinner table (us, FI's parents, aunt and uncle, and grandmother) and the topic of the guest list came up, the very first thing said by basically everyone was 'well, only people on the wedding list, of course...'. Even the men were in agreement on that one.
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Ditto, though my mom is breaking this rule for me
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it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise... she's inviting very elderly very extended family that live close to the shower location (my hometown), that won't be invited to the actual wedding (in CA), but will be invited to the post-wedding hometown reception. It's a little bit weird and I don't like it one bit, but there was no arguing with her
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I would inquire about the wedding since they spoke to you about it so much. It would be very strange if you were not invited, in my opinion.

As for the shower invite/no wedding invite question, it is considered extremely rude in my social circle to be invited to a shower and not the wedding. The shower is a little gathering to shower the couple with gifts, but the wedding is the real celebration of their marriage, so excluding a shower guest from the wedding is like asking for the gift but not asking for them to celebrate with you, IMHO. It doesn''t sound like this is the case with you, though.

The other thing is that perhaps your invite was lost in the mail. FIVE of our friends never received our (beautiful, engraved, hand-calligraphied) invitations. Not that I''m extremely frustrated with the postal service about that, or anything. Argh. But my point is that perhaps this happened to you, and the happy couple just thinks you haven''t yet responded.
 
Date: 6/23/2008 8:14:03 PM
Author: LostSapphire
Hmmmm....

In my family, and generally speaking in my part of North America, it is a common occurence when someone is having difficulty accomodating everyone to the wedding guest list, to include people on a bridal shower invite list.

So cousins, nieces, old aunties and neighbours are invited to a bridal shower so they can share in the bride''s joy.

For us, this is a normal thing. I''m kind of surprised to hear that it''s thought of as rude by others!
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I''m with Lost on this one. Our wedding is pretty small and my future mother in law wanted to throw a shower for her friends that she couldn''t invite but had been around when my fiance was a baby. our venue only holds 100, if we were to invite everyone that came to that shower on top of the ones that are going to be at the shower my mom is throwing, our guests would be eating in the driveway!! I really think it''s a way to include friends who want to be a part of some of the events. Isn''t it better to be a part of something then nothing? I''m really not understanding the rudeness thing but to each their own. I guess the rudeness may come out of thinking it''s a gift grab? Maybe it''s a cultural thing too. Oh well i guess my FMIL made an etiquette blunder and I guess my mom and my girls will as well in a couple weeks...we can''t all be perfect
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I would think the invitation got lost in the mail (or was delivered somewhere else by accident) if someone tells you to save the date many times, I can''t imagine them not inviting you. It''s just too strange. Maybe they are all wondering why you haven''t replied yet.
 
Date: 6/24/2008 12:16:20 AM
Author: musey
Date: 6/23/2008 9:42:13 PM

Author: robbie3982

I was once invited to a shower, but not the wedding. The wedding was in Florida, though and I live in Pittsburgh, so there was no way I could''ve gone to the wedding. The shower was in Pittsburgh so I guess that''s why I was invited to that.
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I suppose that makes sense, logically, if they knew you for sure that you wouldn''t be able to go anyway... but I do think that it''s still really weird!


Sarah, I hope your invite got lost in the mail. Otherwise, geez, it does come off as gift mongering, IMO. I get what neatfreak is suggesting, but it seems unlikely that the person throwing the shower would be so dumb
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Unfortunately I think it happens all the time Musey...my best friend JUST had this happen. Her future MIL wanted to throw her a shower, she said yes, MIL didn''t clear the invite list with her ahead of time and invited absolutely everyone she knew AND invited ALL of the extended extended family to the shower too. My friend had NOT planned on inviting all those people and ended up having to add almost 50 people to the guest list for the wedding!

I just think that it happens often when someone is throwing a shower with their friends in mind rather than the bride''s guests...
 
Wow. This has never happened to me. My guess is it''s lost in the mail. I really hope you inquire politely. With the wedding so close they are probably wondering about your rsvp. I mean, they are finalizing table arrangements, etc. all the last minute details too.
If you really were not invited to the wedding I would be terribly suprised. This is probably one of the largest etiquette blunders that one could make when planning a wedding. True, perhaps she didn''t plan or double check the list, but really she should have or one of her BMs should have thought to ask her to
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Guess what everyone!! It arrived today.
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So..I was wrong. I do apologize for complaining and venting about rudeness and being wrong. I had to update because otherwise..well I''d be lying to keep the thread up! Oh well. Now it looks like I have to go maybe.
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And guess what? It''s the same day as FI''s family reunion!! I want to go the reunion so bad..it''s the last chance to meet some of the guests invited to my wedding.
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ROFLMAO! I'm glad it all got sorted out Sarah! Again, too funny
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Yeah I look like a fool now, haha. I was so hoping it wouldn''t come!
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LOL! I don't think you look like a fool at all - this was just a perfect example of Murphy's Law. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time too
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I think often the shower invitations are sent close to the shower but not to the wedding time. So there''s a huge time lag in when you get the different invitations. It sounds like this is what happened to you and it''s happened to me a few times before.
 
Date: 6/24/2008 4:35:50 PM
Author: Aim_Turbo
Date: 6/23/2008 8:14:03 PM

Author: LostSapphire

Hmmmm....


In my family, and generally speaking in my part of North America, it is a common occurence when someone is having difficulty accomodating everyone to the wedding guest list, to include people on a bridal shower invite list.


So cousins, nieces, old aunties and neighbours are invited to a bridal shower so they can share in the bride's joy.


For us, this is a normal thing. I'm kind of surprised to hear that it's thought of as rude by others!
Click to expand...
I'm with Lost on this one. Our wedding is pretty small and my future mother in law wanted to throw a shower for her friends that she couldn't invite but had been around when my fiance was a baby. our venue only holds 100, if we were to invite everyone that came to that shower on top of the ones that are going to be at the shower my mom is throwing, our guests would be eating in the driveway!! I really think it's a way to include friends who want to be a part of some of the events. Isn't it better to be a part of something then nothing? I'm really not understanding the rudeness thing but to each their own. I guess the rudeness may come out of thinking it's a gift grab? Maybe it's a cultural thing too. Oh well i guess my FMIL made an etiquette blunder and I guess my mom and my girls will as well in a couple weeks...we can't all be perfect
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If it's what's seen as normal by you and the people you're inviting, then I doubt it would be perceived as rude, since it's common where you're from.

I have been invited to showers and not weddings before and felt offended as many other mutual friends were invited to the wedding because they were huge events, but I just didn't make the 200+ person guest list for whatever reason (probably because she'd done tons of "couples only" parties that I wasn't invited to since I didn't have a boyfriend for a while). Oh, but the bride made sure to email me her registry links two days after I received the invite to her shower, JUST in case the shower invite got lots in the mail. And guess what? Not a single thing on their registry was under $50. Definitely smelled like I was being eyed up as an extra gift, not as someone to share in the joy of their matrimony, so I declined the invitation.
 
Date: 6/25/2008 2:44:05 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/24/2008 4:35:50 PM
Author: Aim_Turbo

Date: 6/23/2008 8:14:03 PM

Author: LostSapphire

Hmmmm....


In my family, and generally speaking in my part of North America, it is a common occurence when someone is having difficulty accomodating everyone to the wedding guest list, to include people on a bridal shower invite list.


So cousins, nieces, old aunties and neighbours are invited to a bridal shower so they can share in the bride''s joy.


For us, this is a normal thing. I''m kind of surprised to hear that it''s thought of as rude by others!
Click to expand...
I''m with Lost on this one. Our wedding is pretty small and my future mother in law wanted to throw a shower for her friends that she couldn''t invite but had been around when my fiance was a baby. our venue only holds 100, if we were to invite everyone that came to that shower on top of the ones that are going to be at the shower my mom is throwing, our guests would be eating in the driveway!! I really think it''s a way to include friends who want to be a part of some of the events. Isn''t it better to be a part of something then nothing? I''m really not understanding the rudeness thing but to each their own. I guess the rudeness may come out of thinking it''s a gift grab? Maybe it''s a cultural thing too. Oh well i guess my FMIL made an etiquette blunder and I guess my mom and my girls will as well in a couple weeks...we can''t all be perfect
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Click to expand...
If it''s what''s seen as normal by you and the people you''re inviting, then I doubt it would be perceived as rude, since it''s common where you''re from.

I have been invited to showers and not weddings before and felt offended as many other mutual friends were invited to the wedding because they were huge events, but I just didn''t make the 200+ person guest list for whatever reason (probably because she''d done tons of ''couples only'' parties that I wasn''t invited to since I didn''t have a boyfriend for a while). Oh, but the bride made sure to email me her registry links two days after I received the invite to her shower, JUST in case the shower invite got lots in the mail. And guess what? Not a single thing on their registry was under $50. Definitely smelled like I was being eyed up as an extra gift, not as someone to share in the joy of their matrimony, so I declined the invitation.
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Yikes!!! That''s not cool! I''ve just been a little worried now, I don''t want to offend anyone! I''m didn''t put on the last shower and I''m not putting on the next one either, oh well too late now I guess.

boo I don''t want to be the bride zilla
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