10 years?!?!

[fixme]

Hi everyone, Im new here, so please forgive me if this is in the wrong place. I will start with the fact that I am 26, and bf is 30 in a few months.we have been together for four and a half years, living together for three.

Im not sure at this point if I even have a question, I am more confused than anything,...

When we first met, my partner told me about his ex and how much she hurt him (he caught her in bed with his best friend, the next day my partner went to work and she left a note telling him she was going off with his friend as she had found the better man..) it really scarred him, and as a result he didnt see anyone for three years,then he met me. basically he told me very early on that he never wanted to get married. so I spent the next two years of our relationship thinking I would never marry him. it was fine, I didnt have the burning desire to rush off and marry, I just wanted to enjoy our relationship for what it was. Then, bang, out of nowhere I woke up one morning, he was still sleeping, I lay there next to him and it hit me just like that, I love you so much and I want to marry you...

I kept it to myself for over four months, I was reluctent to say anything as I thought I would scare the life out of him, but he knew something was wrong, he sat me down and asked me what was wrong. I basically told him that although I wasnt ready at this point in time, some day I wanted to marry him. He was brilliant about it, and he told me it was funny I brought it up as he had been thinking about it a lot recently. He explained that money was tight, it is, I lost my job a couple of months ago and he has been paying for everything,when I had a job I payed half to everything so I know he is feeling it. we ended the conversation by saying, yes, we both wanted marriage...at some point in time.

Fast forward to now...the other night I was reading a thread on a forum, this woman mentioned that her bf had proposed and they had been together for 6 months, it started us talking again, and he said he had thought of three different ways he wanted to propose to me, he hadnt decided which way yet, and that was all I would be getting on the subject!! when suddenly he said " for what I have in my head, it would take a while to get the kind of money I would need, I plan on only getting maried once, and I want to do it right, I want everything to be right in my own head, and I want to be financially stable for our future together, its the marriage that follows the wedding that counts and I want to do it right.."

I thought it was great, he was obviously thinking of our future, and he wanted us to be stable, then he said "all in all it should take around nine or ten years before I would be in a position to do it"

I guess I just feel kind of crushed, am I really going to be 36 years old before I am proposed to? am I unreasonable to be even thinking about it like that? Im not saying 36 is bad in any way, I just didnt expect to wait that long, I have gone from thinking we would never marry, to we may get married when we are almost 40 and it just seems like a huge extreme, Im just a little confused, can anyone relate at all? am I selfish?

as a quick sidenote, I would never put him on a time limit, as I think we BOTH have to be ready, and I would never leave him over this, I love him and want to be with him weather we are married or not.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, 10 years?! Hmm...is he planning on proposing with a 10 carat ring or something?! I do think 10 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait, especially since you''re not 16 or something. Plus, if you want to have children and if you want to be married before you have them, waiting to get married until you''re 36 is going to be problematic. I''m sure you know that it''s much more difficult to get pregnant later in life.

There isn''t anything wrong with getting married at 36, but that''s clearly not what you want. I think you need to have a serious chat with your boyfriend about when you want to get married. And I don''t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but it could be that him telling you he doesn''t want to get married for 10 more years is a way of avoiding the fact that you want to get married and he doesn''t.

You say you don''t want to leave him, but can you really see yourself with him in 10 years, still not married? It seems like you''re not really happy with that idea since you''re posting here that you felt crushed by that idea.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I would bring up the fact of you have invested that 4 years already and you would like and engagement and marriage and a baby (if that is in your plan) in ten years and start the convo from that point.

Ask him what exactly he needs before he feels he can propose? Is it something that you can both save for together or is he thinking along the lines of owning a home and a new car and paying off debt?

these are questions you and he should talk about, that way you are both on the same page.

Good Luck!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

What I always think is so ironic about these situations is that you guys are already living together!!! Getting married doesn''t change a whole lot as far as daily living goes! If you are already managing to live together financially, then I can''t see why it would take years more to be ready to get married. It just doesn''t make sense! Do you think maybe he is planning to suprise you sooner and is just trying to throw you off? If not, I''d consider one more talk in a few months where you express your need for commitment a little sooner than 10 years!!!

 

[Sharon101]

The other issue is that he is playing the `one day` game. There is no guarantee that he will have the desired amount of $ in ten years. But one thing is for sure......they are pretty valuable years for a woman because those ten years are the ones where most women find their first and hopefully last partner. After the age of 36 you are more vulnerable because you still havent had kids, and you may be meeting divorced men with kids at that age bracket.

Love is great, but it has a way of turning into anger when one party is making all the sacrifices. Maybe you need to talk about the bigger picture, and re evaluate the material things that he is hanging every thing on as a pre requisite. Only you know whether he is just buying time (which is consistant with his original desire of no marriage) or whether he is driven beyond words to give you the life he thinks you truely deserve. Maybe he is being realistic, or impossibly high in expectations of himself?

Good luck, at the very least, he does sound supportive of you in your time of work problems.

Ten years does sound a bit too long unless you were in your teens imo.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/20/2007 11:04:46 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
What I always think is so ironic about these situations is that you guys are already living together!!! Getting married doesn''t change a whole lot as far as daily living goes! If you are already managing to live together financially, then I can''t see why it would take years more to be ready to get married. It just doesn''t make sense! Do you think maybe he is planning to suprise you sooner and is just trying to throw you off? If not, I''d consider one more talk in a few months where you express your need for commitment a little sooner than 10 years!!!

That is so true, diamondseeker! It does seem like so many LIW whose boyfriends just aren''t ready yet already live together! I also lived with my fiance before we got engaged, but I knew an engagement was in my near future, so it was a slightly different situation, I suppose.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/20/2007 11:26:40 PM
Author: Sharon101
The other issue is that he is playing the `one day` game. There is no guarantee that he will have the desired amount of $ in ten years. But one thing is for sure......they are pretty valuable years for a woman because those ten years are the ones where most women find their first and hopefully last partner. After the age of 36 you are more vulnerable because you still havent had kids, and you may be meeting divorced men with kids at that age bracket.


Love is great, but it has a way of turning into anger when one party is making all the sacrifices. Maybe you need to talk about the bigger picture, and re evaluate the material things that he is hanging every thing on as a pre requisite. Only you know whether he is just buying time (which is consistant with his original desire of no marriage) or whether he is driven beyond words to give you the life he thinks you truely deserve. Maybe he is being realistic, or impossibly high in expectations of himself?


Good luck, at the very least, he does sound supportive of you in your time of work problems.


Ten years does sound a bit too long unless you were in your teens imo.

I was thinking the same. They are very valuable ten years. I was with D for 8 years before we got engaged, but we met when we were 17 and wanted to wait until college was through and that we both got jobs etc (although I went back to college again!). If D had told me then that it would have taken another 10 years, much as I love him, marriage is something that I want, so I don''t think I would have stayed with him. I don''t live with him yet, as our house will be ready in 5 months.
I would definitely talk to him again. Why will it take ten years for him to propose. To be honest, it does sound like he''s trying to put it off. A year or two maybe, to get things in order, but no one knows what''s going to happen in the next ten years. Especially when you already live together.

 

[Sha]

So you would be in this relationship for 14 years before the two of you actually get married? Waiting 10 years to propose sounds VERY extreme to me. What in the world could he be planning that would take him 10 years to do it? Maybe you should explain to him that what you really want is to marry him - not a big fancy proposal, or a huge ring, or for the two of you to be millionaires before you actually make it official. All of that would be nice -but it''s not necessary. 10 years??? I don''t think you''re selfish at all! That''s a very long time to wait! Especially for someone you''ve been seeing for 4 yeasr already. And what if he doesn''t want to propose after the 10 year mark? You would have almost ''wasted'' 10 years of your life waiting around for something that never happened!

I would talk to him seriously to find out why such a long time frame.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 12/21/2007 8:47:18 AM
Author: Sha
So you would be in this relationship for 14 years before the two of you actually get married? Waiting 10 years to propose sounds VERY extreme to me. What in the world could he be planning that would take him 10 years to do it? Maybe you should explain to him that what you really want is to marry him - not a big fancy proposal, or a huge ring, or for the two of you to be millionaires before you actually make it official. All of that would be nice -but it''s not necessary. 10 years??? I don''t think you''re selfish at all! That''s a very long time to wait! Especially for someone you''ve been seeing for 4 yeasr already. And what if he doesn''t want to propose after the 10 year mark? You would have almost ''wasted'' 10 years of your life waiting around for something that never happened!

I would talk to him seriously to find out why such a long time frame.

Sha tells the truth. There is something about his response that would certainly bother me! You have been together for quite some time. He needs another 10 years to get his act together? It doesn''t add up...except to put off making a commitment.

 

[tulip928]

Date: 12/20/2007 11:04:46 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
What I always think is so ironic about these situations is that you guys are already living together!!! Getting married doesn''t change a whole lot as far as daily living goes! If you are already managing to live together financially, then I can''t see why it would take years more to be ready to get married. It just doesn''t make sense! Do you think maybe he is planning to suprise you sooner and is just trying to throw you off? If not, I''d consider one more talk in a few months where you express your need for commitment a little sooner than 10 years!!!

egggsactly what I was going to say.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/21/2007 11:29:08 AM
Author: tulip928

Date: 12/20/2007 11:04:46 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
........I'd consider one more talk in a few months where you express your need for commitment a little sooner than 10 years!!!

I don't live with my boyfriend, but he already knows my "time limit." And just to give credit to both sides, I understand your boyfriend's hesitance -- to a point. I'm almost 40 and he's almost 50 - he has two teenagers, I have a 7 year old - and we both came out of hellish marriages. He was married for almost 20 miserable years and stayed in that relationship partly out of Catholic guilt and partly because he didn't want his kids to experience divorced parents. He got divorced because he finally had to - his ex was financially irresponsible and has substance problems, and as a result, the kids live with him. I've already posted a few times here about my ex and marriage. He's said many times that he loves me, that he wishes he met me when we were much younger, etc. We've talked about marriage, and sometimes he'll say that he'd like to get married again, and other times, he says he's not sure. I feel that way sometimes, too.

We've been together for two years at this point, and I've told him that while I don't want to rush into anything, neither do I want to be one of those women who remains "just a girlfriend" for years on end. Matter of fact, he has a good friend who has lived with a woman now for 15+ years (they're in their mid-40s), and I used a conversation about their situation early in our relationship as a door-opener for a talk with my boyfriend, to see where his head was at. This woman clearly wants to get married and hounds the guy constantly for a ring. Pity you if you end up talking to her at a function when she's had too many drinks - she wastes no time telling you and anyone in earshot how she wishes he would buy her a ring, how long does he expect me to wait, etc. etc. He puts it off and puts it off -- and he's told my boyfriend that he never, ever wants to get married. That's the big thing that's wrong - he will tell his friends (my boyfriend is one of his circle of friends, and each one of them has heard this song and dance from him - his commitment-phobia is an inside joke with them) that he never wants to get married and completely blows off the woman who's involved! He won't break up with this woman or move out!! I think he's doing himself (and especially her!!) a HUGE disservice by not being honest and upfront with her about it -- but as my boyfriend said to me, "Some guys, when they're in a comfy situation, don't want to rock the boat. They'd rather waffle than tell the truth and potentially end up alone. Guys in their 40s don't like the dating scene any more than women do. Bird in the hand, y'know?"

I used that as an oportunity to tell my boyfriend, "Well, I'm not entirely sure that I want to get married again, either. But if I were important enough to you, I would expect that after 2 or 2-1/2 years that you'd make a formal commitment to me." He asked me what a formal commitment meant to me, and I said, "Well, if we were already not living together, I'd expect that plans be made for that, and I would also like a ring. I can accept a long engagement and would actually like one, but there is no way that I can be "just a girlfriend" for years on end." We will have been together 2-1/2 years in June 2008, and if a proposal hasn't come my way by then, then I'll have another talk with him. 2-1/2 years is long enough for a man - especially a man my boyfriend's age - to decide whether or not you have long-term potential in his life. If he says something like, "I'm not ready" or "I need more time," then as much as it would hurt, I would move on. I don't want more children at my age, so I am not fighting a biological clock. But I would like to have someone to make a future and grow old with as opposed to waiting around endlessly. I had no problem waiting for a man when I was in my teens and twenties and even in my early thirties (when I married my ex). When you are young, there are often benefits to waiting - like finishing an education, working on a career, saving for a house, etc. But years of waiting don't fly when you're 40 and beyond and already have all that stuff out of the way.

Bridget in Connecticut.

P.S. - If Santa is listening, I'd like one of these under the tree:

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I wasn''t going to chime in on this post because all of the other posters have already said what I am thinking, but I just want to tell you that while you don''t have a "time limit" now, you should seriously consider it. Any man who is already thinking about proposals like he claims is NOT thinking about it 10 years in advance. Any woman on the board who is engaged or married can say that once the man decided he was ready for marriage, the engagement happened within weeks or months--maybe even a year or two if he really needed to save. A man who is anywhere close to being ready would not want to wait another 10 years, especially given your ages. For him to ask you to wait until you are 36 and he is 40 before you''re even married and can begin to think about kids...well, that''s just crazy. I can''t imagine what your response must have been to that.

I know that you think putting the relationship before marriage is what''s most important. It isn''t. You want marriage and you shouldn''t feel bad about that, nor should you wait 10 years and risk giving up your fertile years for a man who asks you to live with him for over a decade before committing to you. Now you''re 26 and still young, but the resentment you''re going to feel in 3 - 4 years will be overwhelming if something doesn''t change now.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 12/21/2007 3:21:51 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Now you''re 26 and still young, but the resentment you''re going to feel in 3 - 4 years will be overwhelming if something doesn''t change now.

I have to second NewEnglandLady here. I was very relaxed about marriage until I started feeling like my fertile time started to slip away. Now, I am only in my late (okay, very late) 20''s and I was told that I should start to consider the possibility of having children soon by my Dr.! It''s been a very long week thinking over and over about how scary it is to think I may not be able to have a family because I was too busy trying to keep myself quiet about what I wanted out of my relationship.

I''m hoping he was just being silly and was trying to throw you off the mark so you wouldn''t be anticipating a proposal every moment of every day.

 

[sunnyd]

does he want kids? another LIW i think had a good strategy for at least bringing up the timeline subject - work backwards. do you want to have children ... by what age would you like to have children ... how long do you want to be married before having children ... etc etc finally down to well then we should have been engaged by last spring.

this doesn''t take anything else like money into account, but it''s a good jumping off point. for a man who''s 30 years old, 10 years seems awfully unreasonable.

good luck, and check back!

 

[DMBsGirl]

Wow, ten years. It''s funny because my FF and I have been together 9 years and I''m not engaged yet. The difference is that we met when we were just out of high school. I was in grad school and totally dependent on my parents until 25, so marriage did not become a thought in my mind until about 26. Now, at 27 I am almost past my breaking point! It has been a bit over a year of WAITING and I can not imagine having to wait TEN more. Once you''re ready, you''re READY. Having to wait ten years PAST the point that I was ready would be a dealbreaker for me. I want to have children within the next 3 or 4 years and that is not something that I want to do out of wedlock.
Also, why ten years? I see that he says he wants to do things right, but what could he ever need ten years for? You say that you would not end your relationship over this, but I see you are unhappy with having to wait ten years and I think a serious conversation needs to be had between you and your boyfriend. Is it possible he was joking?

 

[MoonWater]

Everyone else gave great, thoughtful advice so I''m not going to bother with that. I''m going to say it plainly: DUMP HIM. I am not kidding. If you do want children, or unsure if you do, you will truly grow to hate the man if he steals your fertility years. I am also in my very late 20s and about 2 years ago I sat my bf down and planned a timeline around having children. It is something I would definitely like to do and he is well aware. I flatly said, if we are together, I will have a kid by this time, if you think otherwise, we will not be together. Us not being together any longer is the only way I would wait longer than my deadline to have children. But that aside...who waits TEN YEARS to build up to a proposal? Especially in light if you already being together for 4. My god.

 

[rainydaze]

i think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what his reasons are for waiting ten years. if his ''whys'' are reasonable to you, then you can relax and continue to enjoy the next ten years with him. if they are not, well, good thing you know what is in his head now so that you can better plan your own future. hanging the next TEN years on another person, without knowing exactly what you are waiting for or why, is not wise and has the potential for a lot of pain/confusion/regret. it goes without saying, but i will say it, if the two of you cannot communicate openly about this - about your plans for the future and what he has planned for the next ten years to warrant the wait - your relationship is lacking a major component that is typically crucial for success.

best wishes to you, i hope you can sort it all out as it does seem you have found someone you care deeply for.

 

[fixme]

wow i just want to thank you all for answering so quick, i didnt expect this many replies.

We had a talk about it earlier when he got home from work. i told him i wasnt expecting that long of a wait, because after all he says stuff all the time about the future, the thing with him, if he says it he will do it when he can, I maybe should of explained that he owes his parents 11 thousand pounds, and also has a 6 thousand pound loan from before he met me, he bought an house when he was 20 and thats what he used the money for. i didnt think to mention that last night. when i was working i was helping him with these things, i know its not my debt, but its just the way i am, now i am unable, he cannot afford to pay his parents back for the time being, he has a low paying job with long hours and he feels stuck for money.

last night he explained to me that he said ten years to throw me off a little, to see my reaction, he told me that he does want marriage, but right at this moment in time he is unable to do it financially, he told me the reason he talks about it is because he is mentally taking notes, what kind of dress i would wear etc, i asked what kind of timeline he had in his own head, he told me around 3 years, there are a couple of personal things he wants to do, its a long story, but because of money problems, etc, we have never been on holiday together abroad, we both want to do that whilst we are still dating, we lived 250 miles apart long distance for a year, and because of that we missed out on all the little things other couples can do whenever they like, so we kind of have this thing where we want to do some of that stuff first before we call ourselves married.

i also forgot to add that neither of us want children, i have known since i was 16, and i still do not have the desire to have any, he also has never wanted children, so we are good together that way.

i want to thank everyone again for the advice, and i apologise for freaking out

 

[Steel]

Hi fixme and welcome

,

I would not be worried if I were you, it seems [to me*] you will be just fine together. Just keep up your communication; it is the key.

Good luck and keep posting!

ETA= *

 

[gwendolyn]

Three years is slightly different than ten; glad you talked it over with him.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

So glad you talked to him, three years is VERY different from ten and the fact that neither of you want kids really changes the scenario! I''m glad you''re feeling better!

 

[rainydaze]

hi fixme - i''m so glad you came back and let us know how things progressed! thank you! three years is quite different than ten, in my own head i was thinking ''well i could understand thinking ahead and waiting 2-3 years, but ten?'' i''m very glad you had no problems following up with an open discussion and that it has put your mind at ease.

 

[rubybeth]

Date: 12/21/2007 3:21:51 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Any woman on the board who is engaged or married can say that once the man decided he was ready for marriage, the engagement happened within weeks or months--maybe even a year or two if he really needed to save. A man who is anywhere close to being ready would not want to wait another 10 years, especially given your ages.

I second this! I''m not engaged or married yet, but 10 years!?!?! Sit him down, tell him that this is ridiculous, you don''t need whatever it is that he''s planning.