:}

[lumpkin]

hee hee!!!



How do you make friends with a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut!



I love this thread. I am totally in stitches! I loved the cow one and Elvis Parsley!

 

[wifey2b]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Do you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I''m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don''t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I''m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you''vebrushed your teeth." "I shouldn''t say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it''s certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my word," he replies, "you''ve swallowed my sock!"

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/20/2007 8:59:25 PM
Author: wifey2b
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. ''Father,'' he said, ''I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.'' His father replied, ''Do you love this girl?'' ''Oh yes, very much,'' he said,'' but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I''m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.'' ''No problem,'' said dad, ''all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.'' Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.'' Mom,'' she said, ''When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.'' ''Honey,'' her mother consoled, ''everyone has bad breath in the morning.'' ''No, you don''t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I''m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.'' Her mother said simply, ''In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you''vebrushed your teeth.'' ''I shouldn''t say good morning or anything?'' the daughter asked. ''Not a word,'' her mother affirmed. ''Well, it''s certainly worth a try,'' she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, ''What on earth are you doing?'' ''Oh, my word,'' he replies, ''you''ve swallowed my sock!''

Hahahahahaha!!!! That''s funny!!!

 

[wifey2b]

Cold Feet
by Ruth Ann Dune

Did you ever go to bed at night
And crawl beneath the sheet,
To have your slumber ruined
By a pair of icy feet?

There’s many a poor husband
Who groans in deep despair
When he finds beneath the covers
Lies a two-foot Frigidaire.

What is the use of counting sheep
It’s just a waste of breath;
Those poor defenseless animals
Would simply freeze to death.

It’s bad enough to try to rest
Where heated comforts lack,
But, oh, the shivering torture
Of a chilled foot in one’s back.

No male on Earth can rise at morn
With spirits gay and bright
When he’s been thus imprisoned
In cold storage all the night.

The little wife who shares his bed
May have a heart of gold,
But why did nature spoil the job
With feet so bitter cold?

There’s far more frigid temperature
In a woman’s single toe
Than there is in Arctic circles
Where it’s 45 below.

Why don’t some brilliant scientist
Invent an antifreeze
To bring the circulation back
Below milady’s knees?

Still, there’s one consolation
If you’d check upon it, men.
Be glad your spouse has but two
Instead of nine or 10.

 

[strmrdr]

rofl thats funny babe!
lumbt!

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

(blonde) celeb boards ship and the purser invites her to dine at the Capitains table.

She tels the purser there is no way she is eating with the crew

 

[Skippy123]

Gary,
Your funny!!!! I like blond jokes too! LOL

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/21/2007 1:18:53 PM
Author: Skippy123
Gary,
Your funny!!!! I like blond jokes too! LOL

Gary likes blondes period. No joke, he said so.

I''m still trying to getting over that too, being a brunette an all.

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

Here to the rescue Ellen

Date: 1/21/2007 1:45:35 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/21/2007 1:18:53 PM
Author: Skippy123
Gary,
Your funny!!!! I like blond jokes too! LOL

Gary likes blondes period. No joke, he said so.

I''m still trying to getting over that too, being a brunette an all.

The HBA service is definitely free

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/21/2007 1:53:48 PM
Author: Garry H (Cut Nut)
Here to the rescue Ellen

Date: 1/21/2007 1:45:35 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/21/2007 1:18:53 PM
Author: Skippy123
Gary,
Your funny!!!! I like blond jokes too! LOL

Gary likes blondes period. No joke, he said so.

I''m still trying to getting over that too, being a brunette an all.

The HBA service is definitely free

LOL!

 

[wifey2b]

another cute little poem :}

The Village Blacksmith
Under a speading chestnut tree
The stubborn auto stands.
The smith an angry man is he
With trouble on his hands.
The carburetor seems to be
The cause of all his woe.
He tightens half a dozen bolts,
And still it doesn''t go.
He sits beside the road to give
His brain a chance to cool
And ponders on his training
At the correspondence school.
And then he starts his job once more
And just by chance ''tis seen
The cause of all his trouble is
He''s out of gasoline.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Someone just sent this to me and I have no idea why I thought it was so funny!!!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ''drop off'' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round.

 

[Ellen]

DeeJay, I''ve heard it before, but still funny.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/20/2007 9:11:49 PM
Author: wifey2b

Cold Feet
by Ruth Ann Dune

Did you ever go to bed at night
And crawl beneath the sheet,
To have your slumber ruined
By a pair of icy feet?

There’s many a poor husband
Who groans in deep despair
When he finds beneath the covers
Lies a two-foot Frigidaire.

What is the use of counting sheep
It’s just a waste of breath;
Those poor defenseless animals
Would simply freeze to death.

It’s bad enough to try to rest
Where heated comforts lack,
But, oh, the shivering torture
Of a chilled foot in one’s back.

No male on Earth can rise at morn
With spirits gay and bright
When he’s been thus imprisoned
In cold storage all the night.

The little wife who shares his bed
May have a heart of gold,
But why did nature spoil the job
With feet so bitter cold?

There’s far more frigid temperature
In a woman’s single toe
Than there is in Arctic circles
Where it’s 45 below.

Why don’t some brilliant scientist
Invent an antifreeze
To bring the circulation back
Below milady’s knees?

Still, there’s one consolation
If you’d check upon it, men.
Be glad your spouse has but two
Instead of nine or 10.

I think my Hubby would agree
This poem describes me to a T!!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/20/2007 9:42:48 PM
Author: Garry H (Cut Nut)
(blonde) celeb boards ship and the purser invites her to dine at the Capitains table.

She tels the purser there is no way she is eating with the crew

I actually roared at this one Mr Holloway!

 

[wifey2b]

Date: 1/22/2007 8:18:03 AM
Author: Lorelei


I think my Hubby would agree
This poem describes me to a T!!

Lorelei is a poet
And I wonder if she knows it!
giggle :}

 

[wifey2b]

Ok, how about some marriage jokes :}


The Donkey Trick

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn''t gone too far when my wife''s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said ''That''s once.'' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ''That''s twice.'' We hadn''t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ''That''s once.''

___________________________________________________________________________

The Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband''s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she''d only been mad at him twice.

"What''s the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that''s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

____________________________________________________________________________

The Wedding Ring Curse
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What''s the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

_____________________________________________________________________________

The Wedding Crasher
A little boy was in a relative''s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride''s side and groom''s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

____________________________________________________________________________


The Wedding Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ''why this couple should not be married''. His reception wasn''t disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I''d like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."

 

[wifey2b]

The Bride & Groom
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

 

[wifey2b]

Here is one for Strm...he will appreciate this as well as any other puter techies out there...giggle

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I''m sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It''s even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife''s hard drive!"

 

[wifey2b]

If it''s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Ok, I gotta get a life - I could post jokes all day giggle :}

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

guy wakes after anesthetic and turns to see wife beside him

"you look beuatiful!"

sleeps a bit

Then sees her again "you lookk great"

Sleeps
wakes
Says
"you look good"


She says "how come i dont look as good now as before"

He says "the drugs are wearing off"

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Even in print, nobody deadpans like Garry H. This thread is halir!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Skippy123]

This one is for Gary:







BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

Thx Skippy - I love it - so do all my non blonde staff

An city slicker drove his car into a creek in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn''t move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn''t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn''t even try!"

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 2/5/2007 11:02:30 PM
Author: Garry H (Cut Nut)
Thx Skippy - I love it - so do all my non blonde staff

An city slicker drove his car into a creek in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, ''Pull, Nellie, pull!'' Buddy didn''t move.
Then the farmer hollered, ''Pull, Buster, pull!'' Buddy didn''t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, ''Pull, Coco, pull!'' Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ''Pull, Buddy, pull!'' And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, ''Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn''t even try!''

Haha, that''s a good one!!!

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 2/5/2007 11:02:30 PM
Author: Garry H (Cut Nut)
Thx Skippy - I love it - so do all my non blonde staff

An city slicker drove his car into a creek in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, ''Pull, Nellie, pull!'' Buddy didn''t move.
Then the farmer hollered, ''Pull, Buster, pull!'' Buddy didn''t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, ''Pull, Coco, pull!'' Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ''Pull, Buddy, pull!'' And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, ''Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn''t even try!''

You left off the punch line lol...

The city slicker went back to the city and that''s how the committee was born.
Now ya know the rest of the story.

 

[Sparkster]

Q. Did you hear about the pirate porno movie?

A. It''s rated AAARRRGGGHHH

I know it''s bad but that''s my sense of humour.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 2/5/2007 10:38:30 PM
Author: Skippy123
This one is for Gary:










BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ''Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?''
The other blonde turns and says ''Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????''

LOL!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 2/6/2007 4:22:53 PM
Author: Sparkster
Q. Did you hear about the pirate porno movie?

A. It''s rated AAARRRGGGHHH

I know it''s bad but that''s my sense of humour.

Sparkster. Funny; I like it. I am a cheese ball too!!!!! Thanks

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

Passenger taps taxi driver on shoulder

He screams and drives across 3 lanes of oncoming traffic, nearly killing them all.

He rights the car and immediately apologises and says:



"Sorry -"

"entirely my fault,"

"I have been driving a hearse for the past 15 years."