A new dress? What would you do?

[PilsnPinkysMom]

More dress drama from Pils. Goodness gracious!

I called my mom today to tell her that I found my bridesmaid dresses (POB- Vineyards Collection 1422- I stole SunnyD's dress... But honestly, it is TO DIE FOR.. Thanks Sunny )

Anyway, after I finished gushing about the dresses my mom said, "Would you like to get a new wedding dress?" and my dad, in the background, says, "We'd be more than happy to get you one."

Background: FI & I are paying for the wedding, but my parents purchased my dress- which was SO nice of them. Then the dress drama happened- ie: dress didn't fit as the sample did. Found a near-identical sample that fit perfectly. Chalked it up to poor manufacturing. BlahBlahBlah. I'm not in love with my dress, but I don't HATE it. With proper alterations, it could fit well. I did choose it quickly, but it isn't totally "off the mark."

The Math: Dress= $990. Add veil and tax= $1200. Alterations= ~$300. Total= $1500. But right now we're still sitting at $1200. If I ever manage to sell it, I'd be lucky to get $300. New dress... Ha. I feel like I'd be lucky to find one under 1k, and it'd likely cost more like 2k. Or more. Because I'm loving too many costly/designer gowns. Booooo... So ~900 + 2k + new veil & tax & alterations= potentially 4k.

Problems: Guilt. My parents bought my sisters dress and it cost $300-ish off the rack (sample, tea-length... she's marrying July 2010). Also, TIME. The wedding is in 6 months, my mom wants to get one while she's visiting Denver in late July-- so a mere 4.5 months out. That's cutting it close and forces me to rush. So guilt and timing. My parents aren't "loaded" but since becoming empty-nesters they've got more $$ to throw around. I feel awful that Becky (my sis) got such an affordable dress, though. The only way I see things "evening out" is that Beck & her fiance aren't as financially well-off as FI & I. My parents may help them with other wedding costs. Of course, I'd have to verify with my mom and dad. A new dress also makes me feel like a brat. I have a dress. I made the decision to order it. Sure, it doesn't fit right, but that is fix-able.

Question: What would YOU do? Accept their offer? Stick with the dress you have? Something else?

I'm really lost about this. I don't feel deserving of a new dress. A dress doesn't make or break the day for me. I feel bad for my sister. It makes me feel spoiled. But at the same time... I could get a dress that I absolutely love, that needs minimal alterations. Or I could make the most out of what I already have.

ETA: This sounds like lame reasoning, but there's also some negative energy surrounding the other dress. Like... a lawsuit? Just bad memories and bad mo-jo.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

hmm, if it was me, i think i would stick with the dress that you already have. It sounds as though you still like it and with a few alterations it will fit, i would be worried about the guilt thing with your sister having a $300 dress, but then again if your parents are more than happy to buy you a new one and your sister doesn''t mind.... maybe she could have the same amount of money put towards another part of her wedding?

 

[princesss]

I would get the new dress.

There is SO MUCH negativity surrounding that dress. Really. And I''m sure we PSers don''t know the half of it. Your parents have made a very generous offer, and it''s a chance for them to fix a problem for you. It seems odd, because our parents want us to be self-sufficient, but I''m not entirely certain the urge to protect us and solve problems really goes away.

In 20 years, when you look back at your dress, will you be happy if you stick with this dress? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you be able to look beyond it? Contrariwise (sorry, I get the chance to use that word, and I take it and run, lol) if you get a new dress will you be happy with it, knowing what you ended up paying for both? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you look back thinking about how generous your parents were? Or something else entirely?

Personally, I''d get a new dress, sell the old one and give my parents back whatever money I could get for it. And if they wouldn''t take the money back, I''d use it to send them on a trip. Because your parents are champs.

 

[LAJennifer]

I would probably stick with the dress you already have - it is very pretty. So, if you are already out $1200, I''m assuming there was no "after the fact" discount thrown in. Boo.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/5/2009 10:47:18 PM
Author: princesss
I would get the new dress.

In 20 years, when you look back at your dress, will you be happy if you stick with this dress? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you be able to look beyond it? Contrariwise (sorry, I get the chance to use that word, and I take it and run, lol) if you get a new dress will you be happy with it, knowing what you ended up paying for both? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you look back thinking about how generous your parents were? Or something else entirely?.

Not to be a stick-in-the-mud, but I don't think the dress will matter one way or the other twenty years from now! You'll look back and think of the wedding and your journey with your DH since then! But... your wedding is only a few short months from now, and the fact that you didn't just laugh off your parents' offer is telling.

You know your parents better than we do. Would they make this offer if they couldn't do so comfortably?

 

[Octavia]

I would look for a new dress...but at a local gown consignment shop if you have one, or on preownedweddingdresses.com or someplace like that. If you find one you love, in your size, for a reasonable price, go for it. If not, keep the one you have (as long as your day won't be tainted if you end up wearing it). You don't need more stress worrying about whether the new one will come in correctly and on time, but it would be good to have the option to get something new (to you) if the right dress comes along. Just my $0.02

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 6/5/2009 9:56:51 PM
Author:PilsnPinkysMom
A dress doesn't make or break the day for me.

I think this (highlighted above) should answer your question.

I haven't read any of the replies and I haven't been through the dress drama that you have, but I had a 'dress crisis' a while back and really thought I wanted another dress (had it all picked out, etc., etc.). I even went price-comparison shopping and talked to FI about how to afford it, etc., etc. and the woman who sold it to me (she has a super small shop) said she'd take it back for only a mere $50 restocking fee!! Then....I realized something: this day is about the man I'm going to marry and the LIFE we're going to make with each other!! NOT about this ONE DAY in my life!! And, you know what happened? I 'fell back in love' with my dress again and haven't looked back since! Are there times when I think "hmm...I wonder if I would've looked better in something else...," yes. But, I've never, EVER thought about returning my dress since I had that 'epiphany.'

 

[diamondseeker2006]

$1200 is a lot. If you said the first dress was $500 and you could sell it and get half, I''d say go for it. But I think the current dress will be beautiful after alterations. Although I do not understand how the store will not be responsible for the alterations when the sample dress clearly fit you better than the one custom-ordered for you! I honestly don''t think people think too much about their wedding dress after 20 years!

 

[FrekeChild]

New dress. Just the negativity around this one would be too much for me.

ETA: newsboysgrl, her situation is way more extreme than I'm assuming yours was. To the extent that the thread about it has been deleted from here.

 

[E B]

Hmmmm.

First, try not to feel guilty- they offered, no? I don't think it's bratty to want to find a dress you feel beautiful in on your wedding day, especially given the drama surrounding your original dress.

If I were you, I'd take a look at what's out there at or under a certain price point- whatever you think you'd ultimately feel comfortable with. You say you don't think you'd be able to find something for under $2k, but I think you'd be surprised if you consider other options. Bridesmaid dresses in white/ivory and sample gowns (either in store or on a website like preownedweddingdresses.com) can be very affordable choices, giving you an opportunity to find a gown you love without feeling guilty about spending so much (of your parents') money on a new dress.

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/5/2009 11:35:50 PM
Author: VRBeauty

Date: 6/5/2009 10:47:18 PM

Author: princesss

I would get the new dress.


In 20 years, when you look back at your dress, will you be happy if you stick with this dress? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you be able to look beyond it? Contrariwise (sorry, I get the chance to use that word, and I take it and run, lol) if you get a new dress will you be happy with it, knowing what you ended up paying for both? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you look back thinking about how generous your parents were? Or something else entirely?.

Not to be a stick-in-the-mud, but I don''t think the dress will matter one way or the other twenty years from now! You''ll look back and think of the wedding and your journey with your DH since then! But... your wedding is only a few short months from now, and the fact that you didn''t just laugh off your parents'' offer is telling.


You know your parents better than we do. Would they make this offer if they couldn''t do so comfortably?

Hardly a stick in the mud. I''m just the type that associates how I feel about something at the time with how I feel when I look back on it. But since I don''t really have *anything* I can look back on from twenty years ago (since I was three) I guess I made a naive suggestion.

Pils, do what works for you.

 

[pinkstars]

Given your unique situation, if it were me I would definitely want a new dress. I would try to get rid of the old one and start fresh with something that makes me happy and excited(how I think your wedding dress should make you feel.) I can understand feeling guilty about the amount of money that''s going into two dresses, but for the sake of not having that negativity being apart of your wedding I would opt for a new dress. Also, if you''re able to have a new nice experience with your mom again picking out a dress I could see that being something that she would appreciate also.

 

[KatyWI]

Honestly, I''d get the new dress... Especially considering what happened with the one you have.

I spent WAY too much money on my dress, without even THINKING about the effect the cost would have on the rest of my budget. I figured "yay, I can just compromise!" and as it turns out, the dress is still expensive enough that sometimes I wish I''d looked for a more affordable option.

However, *I LOVE MY DRESS*. I love it to shiny happy little heart-shaped pieces. I don''t actually regret buying it, because I KNOW I will look fabulous... not that I think I look fabulous in general, but I feel so good in that dress that I know it''s going to show in my face and in the way I *walk*.

If you honestly believe that if you alter the dress you have you will love it so much you won''t ever think about how much trouble it caused you, then go ahead. But if your parents are making this generous offer, I would take them up on it and not feel guilty... they are doing the best they can to make sure your day is everything you want it to be. I''m sure they will be generous with your sister too, in whatever ways they can.

And even if you don''t end up ordering a new gown... I LOVE YOUR PARENTS for offering. They are really spectacular to try and fix this for you. You''re lucky to have them! (I know you know, I''m just stressing it because I think it''s sooo sweet!)

 

[Winslet]

Date: 6/5/2009 10:47:18 PM
Author: princesss
I would get the new dress.


In 20 years, when you look back at your dress, will you be happy if you stick with this dress? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you be able to look beyond it? Contrariwise (sorry, I get the chance to use that word, and I take it and run, lol) if you get a new dress will you be happy with it, knowing what you ended up paying for both? Will you look at pictures and think of the drama? Or will you look back thinking about how generous your parents were? Or something else entirely?

This is a really valid point - if you are someone who is all about memory association when it comes to things like this, you would probably be happier with a new dress just for the sake of having less "tainted" wedding memories, for lack of a better word (not that the wedding itself would be in any way tainted because of what happened!) If this doesn't resonate with you, then maybe don't bother with it. But I am curious, how much was that Allure dress? It did look lovely on you!

 

[kittybean]

Ugh. I''m so sorry, PPM--all this dress drama totally and completely sucks! You deserve a beautiful dress that you love and feel wonderful wearing.

I think you need to evaluate how you feel about your current dress. Does it have a "bad aura" for you? Will you feel bummed putting it on on your wedding day?

I don''t think you should feel guilty about your parents'' generous offer. I think they just want you to be happy, and it is perfectly okay for you to accept their generosity and look for a new dress--if you really do want a new dress. I actually found my dress at a boutique in the Denver area, and then I ordered it from Netbride, which saved over $700! My alterations turned out to be a very reasonable $200 for how much work my lovely seamstress (who I know is also your lovely seamstress!) put in. She also made me a gorgeous, inexpensive veil. I think you might be able to spend less than you''re thinking and still get a gorgeous new dress that will make you feel perfect on your wedding day.

If you want to take a look around in Denver, I''m happy to do it with you! Maybe a (somewhat) neutral party would help? I''ve been meaning to message Admin to get your contact info for a while

. I really want you to have the dress that makes you feel great, whether it be the one you have now, or an entirely new one.

 

[bee*]

I''m in two minds. $1200 is a lot of money to spend on a dress that isn''t going to be worn so with proper alterations you might love that dress again. But with all the negativity about that dress, maybe getting a new one is a good idea. I don''t think that you have to spend more than $2k though-there are so many beautiful dresses for way under that price. I hope you find the right one!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Ladies, thanks so much for your candid responses.


Hawaiian: Yeah- whether or not my parents will "give more" to my sister is up in the air, but I do need to ask them. My sis would resent me for using up all their money, and I wouldn''t blame her. Then again, my sis has been super sympathetic will all my dress-related drama. At one point she said to my mom, "This should have happened to me, not to Rachael." ...Which is an incredibly selfless thing to say. But I''m glad it happened to ME and not HER. Sista love, I guess.


Princesss: My parents ARE champs

And very giving people. I''m not sure what I''ll think in 20 years- it''s tough for me to say. I won''t ever forget the stress the dress caused or the grief & tears it brought to me and my mom, alike. But a new dress will trigger the same thoughts, I''m sure... but also, as you said, thoughts of my parents. They''re too gosh darn sweet! Man, at this point I''d like to have a ceremonial burning of my dress & I''ll give my parents $1000 out of my own pocket.


LAJennifer: Nope. No discount.

Thanks for the dress compliment... It IS a pretty gown, and a perfectly good gown- or, rather, it will be after alterations.


VRBeauty: I like your "it won''t matter 20 years from now" insight. And, yeah, I''m definitely considering my parent''s offer... As far as their financial situation goes- I haven''t a real clue. The only time I''ve been aware of their finances was when they were bad- ie: after a major health problem and resulting job loss. Even then, they gave my sister and I as much as they possibly could, within reason. So I guess that they wouldn''t offer if it would cause financial hardship. They just want me to be happy. Gosh- it makes me misty eyed to talk about it. :sigh:

Octavia: Nice idea, lady! There''s a sample sale at a local boutique- 30-90% off. Pre-worn, dirty, even slightly-damaged dresses don''t bother me one bit. In fact, I love the idea of buying off the rack, because then I know *exactly* what I am getting.

Newsboys: That ''highlighted portion'' does say a lot, but I sometimes wonder if I''m fooling myself. That being said, your personal story reaffirms that maybe I''m not all that caught up in the dress-thing. I just wish it had been a completely positive experience from the get-go.

Diamond: The store isn''t liable because they dress that they ordered was the dress that came in, regardless of if it matches the sample perfectly... Gah. I''m still salty about that whole situation... Thanks for the dress compliments

It is pretty, and it may help for me to see it with a ''perfect fit'' again.

Freke: I''m very tempted. Every time I look at pictures I think, "That stupid dress..." BUT- that''s different from, "Ew. I don''t like that dress. I''d never wear it." It isn''t an aesthetic thing, but an emotional thing.

EBree: I''ll have to work on the guilt thing. I do need to explore sample/pre-owned... I think I''m forever damaged, though, in that I hate the idea of ordering a dress that I haven''t *actually* tried on- which is what ALL bridal stores do! I know that makes me crazy-- I just want to see the gown I''m going to buy, hold it, try it on, and walk out of a store with it. That means two things: Sample or David''s Bridal. There have got to be affordable options- i mean, I found inexpensive gowns the first time around- it just seems daunting to start the hunt all over again.

Pinkstars: :sigh: I love the idea of a fresh-start with my mom. Sort of a healing process- which, I know, sounds LAME. We''re talking about fabric, not a major life loss or anything- but it was such a "fun" thing that was totally tainted after-the-fact.

KatyWI: You''re a good reminder that the dress *is* important... I guess it is the one thing that is unique to the bride, and not the ''couple'' as a duo. I think quite often that what is important about the day are the vows and commitment and starting of a new life together, but that means that everything else- flowers, music, company, food, clothing, etc, etc could fall by the wayside. Now- technically that''s true- but those things all contribute to making the day extra-special and I would much prefer to have them than not have them.

I''m glad you don''t feel bad about your dress- that''s so important!!! I''m a big fan of "no regrets"

Winslet: I''m a very sentimental person, but still don''t know how I''ll feel about it all. The funny thing is, if I went the new-dress route, I''d seriously consider getting that Allure gown- which sounds CRAZY because, besides the bodice, the dresses are identical. And my current dress could be altered to fit very similarly to the Allure. That, to me, seems like the epitome of wastefulness, and yet, I''m seriously considering it. Its just the mindset thing... The Allure gown was $940 or $950 at the
store where I found it.

Kitty: Don''t feel sorry-- The real drama is over with, thank goodness! And I''ve learned that some things just aren''t worth the hassle. When I put my dress on on my wedding day, if I think about the dress at all, it will probably be something like "So much trouble over some fabric, but in the end at least it fit right." But will that thought change with a new dress? Likely not... it will turn into, "So much trouble over some fabric, but at least I''m in a dress I love, but it cost an extra two thousand dollars." No winning, eh?

Unless I truly find a dress I LOVE for a *little* money, then I will force myself to re-love dress #1, do some crazy ritual with incense to rid it of its bad aura, and pray The Seamstress works some wonders

Anna Be has a sample sale going on through Tuesday, and I plan on swinging by. No real harm in trying a few on, I figure. I may also check out Blue on the 16th Street Mall- my sis found her dress there. The samples were quite dirty, but hey, a little steam cleaning goes a long way. If I move forward with searching for a new gown, I''d love some help! Do message admin., or else, you can play sleuth & find me on F.B. if you have one. I''m part of a group called "Royalaires!" and my first name is somewhere in this post

That should do the trick.

My Plan: So, I''m going to mull it over a bit more and re-chat with my parents and figure out what their motivation is. If they think I''m sorely unhappy with my dress, I won''t take their offer... If they just want me to start fresh- I''ll consider it. I also want to chat with my sis/parents to see how things will be made "even." Finally- I''ve decided that I will ONLY get a sample. That way I know what I''m buying, and I know I''ll get it in time for the wedding. So if there aren''t any killer samples for sale in CO, I''ll be stickin'' with the Allure knock-off. Thanks again. I can always depend on PS for great, honest, answers and feedback. Much love, PS... much love

 

[merrymunky]

I have read through this thread...and I remember the thread about the dress originally.

I would be certainly be tempted by such a generous offer from parents. I would be concerned that there would be a negative energy around the dress and I would want to be sure that the one I wear it definitely THE one. I know that everyone has a different motivation when choosing a dress, but you do want to feel speciial.

It sounds as though you are being very level headed over the decision. You haven''t jumped at it, but you haven''t dismissed it either. With some more careful thought I know you will come to the right decsion.

As somebody else said, we can grow up, but at the end of the day we will always be someone else''s child. Their motivation will be to see their daughter completely happy on the most important day of her life.

Keep us posted.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''d lean towards getting a new dress - I can totally see where there is so much negativity surrounding the one you already have, after all you had to go through, and I think that starting fresh might really help you get away from that. I''m sure your parents wouldn''t offer if they didn''t feel they could afford it.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/6/2009 6:17:05 AM
Author: merrymunky

As somebody else said, we can grow up, but at the end of the day we will always be someone else's child.

What a lovely sentiment!

I'll try to keep that in mind the next time a certain member of my family starts to get under my skin!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I had a similar situation with my wedding bands. I had a pair of mokume custom bands made which cost 1700 , and lets just say the jeweler and I had a big falling out by the end of this whole thing, and it was a very frustrating year-long ordeal for me to get my rings, in the right size, with the right linings etc. And even after all that, there are still small mistakes on the rings now, but I''ve just given up on the jeweler as his attitude and customer service were so bad that I really have lost all faith in him.

Anyways, I thought about selling them and getting new bands since I was so exasperated by him and the ordeal, but I''d probably have to sell them at a pretty big loss. I gave it some time, and a few weeks past and I associated the rings less and less with all the negativity, and now I can appreciate them as just rings again. The negativity has dissipated with time for me, what''s happened has happened, and I learned from it. I have bands that aren''t perfectly what I wanted, but they''re still very unique and lovely, and I''ve made my peace with them. So they will still be my bands. (And my fiance was never part of this project, so the band doesn''t have any bad mojo for him, and he would never even notice the small flaws, lol)

That''s just my experience though, everyone is different.

 

[merrymunky]

Date: 6/6/2009 2:20:56 PM
Author: VRBeauty

Date: 6/6/2009 6:17:05 AM
Author: merrymunky

As somebody else said, we can grow up, but at the end of the day we will always be someone else''s child.

What a lovely sentiment!

I''ll try to keep that in mind the next time a certain member of my family starts to get under my skin!

I''m always saying it. It''s so very true though. Any parent of any child no matter how old the child is, will do anything to ensure their happiness. My parents, still look out for me and probably always will, no matter how old I get!

 

[Steel]

It is very kind of your parents to offer to buy another gown. They derseve lots of daughter credits for that.

My answer to your question is that you should ring/visit your sister and ask her opinion.

You have your parents POV because they offered (unless you think it might be an empty gesture) so get your sis''s view. If she is ok with it then you have no excuse. If you want another gown then get it.

 

[katamari]

I know you will have a great attitude in the end whichever dress you go with, PnP, because you really have been unbelievably good-spirited despite all the drama. Because of that, and because you want to get a dress fairly similar to the one you have, I might recommend you keep it, honestly.

I am generally an irritable, vindictive person, and I could see myself burning it in effigy on the storefront of the terrible bridal shop that shall not be named. But, while I know I don''t know you IRL, I can really see you setting down with friends or family years from now and telling this story laughing hysterically. Honestly, this is probably the worst thing I have seen happen to anyone in my time in BWW and you have made such a small deal out of it in comparison, even though I know it must have caused you major stress and heartache. I really think you could get past it and enjoy your dress. It also seems like you might be more upset at the new dress for costing your parents even more money.

I think your parents are just trying to make it right and be parents, which they are entitled to. It is a very sweet thing they are offering. If you do decide that you want another dress, I am sure you could sell your current dress to another bride who doesn''t know the history and who would be so happy to get such a beautiful dress. The Brides Against Breast Cancer calendar says they will be in Denver in August. The Running of the Brides will be in Cleveland in October. Both of these might be other options to pursue where you can try on the actual dress you would be buying, if you decided to buy a new dress.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 6/6/2009 4:09:28 AM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom

Octavia: Nice idea, lady! There''s a sample sale at a local boutique- 30-90% off. Pre-worn, dirty, even slightly-damaged dresses don''t bother me one bit. In fact, I love the idea of buying off the rack, because then I know *exactly* what I am getting.

This was my plan if I didn''t like my dress -- there are SO many samples and spotless secondhand dresses out there, I''m sure you can find something beautiful if you decide you want to. I think your current plan is a good one, and won''t lead to any unnecessary additional stress! Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best, whatever you decide

 

[kittybean]

PPM, quick question: are you wearing a yellow dress in your FB photo? I don''t want to be messaging some poor girl who has no idea what "PS" is

.

 

[Miscka]

PPM I think your parents are SO sweet to offer you the chance at a new dress. Honestly, since they offered and you did not bring it up, I would get a new dress. You deserve to be TOTALLY in love with your dress, and the ordeal about your current one would be too much for me, if I were in your shoes.

I agree with EBree, though. You CAN find a dress under 2k easily if you limit where you look! I was a little sad because my dress budget was so low ($500) and I have ALWAYS had champagne taste, but I ended up finding something that makes me beam when I put it on, right at my budget. I would just start looking around if I were you. Good luck!!

 

[packrat]

I don''t know what happened w/your original dress but it must''ve been something stressful and bad, and if you look at it and that''s all you can think of, or see in your minds eye reliving your experience, maybe you should get a new one. That being said, if it''s not something that''s going to bother you and you really like your dress-or will, once it''s altered-I''d probably stick w/that one. If you''re unsure, there''s no harm in looking to see what else you can find out there! You might look around and decide you really like the one you have already.

 

[lala2332]

new dress!!!!!!!!

or at least go look. You may find you are happy with the dress you have seeing the alternatives. I would bet that come mid-summer there will be some dress sales, with the economy the way it is. Though I guess that is pushing the time needed to order. I still think new dress as long as your parents offered!

 

[tyty333]

I didnt read all the post but if it were me I would stick with the original dress...in my mind if its not to bad -
you have lots of money invested in it - then I''d go with it. What about buying a dress to change into for
the reception at a much lower price (say like $300 or less). That way you dont spend a ton more money.

I think it was very nice of your parents to offer.