A new low in waiting...public humiliation.

[fatafelice]

Well, this past weekend was my older sister''s wedding. I knew going into it that it was going to be painful. My BF and I have been together twice as long as my sis and her new hubby, but we are several years younger. All those relatives and friends...I was mentally prepared to handle it all in stride, laughing and joking my way through (read "crying on the inside"

)

My sister wanted my BF in the "family" photo at the church, which was sweet, but I couldn''t help but feel a little bitter about the fact that while he may feel like family, we still have a way to go.

It got ugly when, after dinner, my BF and I were sittng alone with my step-father. Out of the blue, he looks at my BF and says, "Well, Mike, what''s the plan here?" I literally got up and ran away, so I do not know how my dear SO replied.

I thought I had reached rock bottom for the night when my sister''s spacey college friend came up and asked to be introduced to my fiance. I had to correct her, then she felt awkward and I just kept trying to laugh it off, even when she said, "No, I swear someone told me you guys were engaged!"

I made it through all that. Then I was hustled by a few of the gals to the floor for the bouquet toss, despite the fact that I had no interest in trying to catch it. I tried to pick the flower girl up and hold her so she could catch it, but my sister''s other bridesmaids wouldn''t allow it...Because they all had a plan. A plan which culminated in my sister counting to three, winding up...and turning around and handing me the flowers. In front of all the guests. I think the photographer even got a good shot of it. I was so humiliated and I wanted to be mad at my sister, but I know that she and the others meant well. it just hurt to be standing there and know that even if one of the guests didn''t know the situation behind the stunt, someone would surely fill them in. "Oh, that''s the bride''s sister, poor girl. She''s been waiting forever..."

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

My BF was sweet. He didn''t really talk about it because he could see that I was upset. He did tell me that he had immediately asked the DJ to play "our song" when he saw what happened, so that we could dance. Trying to get him to dance is like pulling teeth, so I apprecaited the effort. Unfortunately, the DJ refused because my sister had requested some other songs, so I just had to slink off to the bar.

At least it is all over for now.

 

[Erin]

I''m sorry - I hate the bouquet toss - I become a second hand smoker when I sense it coming.

 

[FireGoddess]

Oh man. Your sister might have thought that her little plan would be funny, but it SOOOOOOOOO wasn''t - especially at your expense. Did she really think that would make you feel better?

At least your BF was there to witness it all - because all of that was NOT cool and he SHOULD see it. I''m sorry that happened to you, especially in front of a crowd.

 

[caligal]

Oh I''m so sorry about the whole situation! You''d think your sister would know better!!

 

[ellewoods]

I am so sorry for how stressful and upsetting your sister''s wedding turned out to be! Sure it was her wedding, but it''s also a family event which means it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable for you too, and anyone who said inappropriate things about your couple-status was just terribly rude and insensitive. I am sure your step-father wasn''t trying to embarass you or your boyfriend, he was probably honestly wanting to know what your boyfriend thinks about your guys'' long term plans, but he shouldn''t have asked your boyfriend while you were sitting there! I guess that''s just another thing guys/men don''t understand....your step-father didn''t understand how hard the day was going to be for you anyway, so he thought he wasn''t being out of line with his comment, but hellloooo, he made it even worse!

Your sister''s flaky friend was an idiot. I don''t care how good intentioned people are when they ask if you''re engaged, or mistakenly think you''re engaged......I would NEVER ask anyone if they''re engaged or comment on them being engaged unless I knew for 100% certainty that they are engaged. And for god''s sake, couldn''t the stupid girl have just looked at your hand before she made such a dumb comment? I hate it when people don''t understand how hurtful/upseting that question can be to a girl who is not engaged but planning on being so relatively so. And I really don''t understand why people who are curious about whether other people are engaged are not don''t discreetly look at the woman''s left hand to see if there''s a new ring on it. Sure, some people are engaged without rings, but would it kill the nosy busy-bodies to look at her hand first before they open their mouths and make someone feel bad?

I would have killed my sister if she had done the planned-bouquet-handover thing. But I am sure she didn''t do it to hurt you, she probably thought it was a little funny and she probably also really would rather you have her bouquet than anyone else -- and I mean just for the emotional keepsake purpose, not even considering the you''re-getting-married-significance.

There''s no way I''m doing the bouquet toss at my wedding at all. Not just because it''s uncomfortable for non-engaged-but-in-a-serious-relationship-girls, but I also think its silly to herd adult women in front of everybody and create this frenzy, like everyone is fighting to get the honor of getting married next. I mean, what the heck does that mean anyway? That getting married is so important that everyone is willing to jump around and act like fools and embarass themselves in front of everyone to try and catch some flowers?

That being said, at one of my good friend''s weddings about 2 years ago, they called all the "single" girls to the dance floor for the bouquet toss. I reluctantly walked up there with a few of my friends, staying in the back as to not look like a complete idiot. Then the inevitable happened, the bouquet was thrown and the women in the front row jumped up and elbowed people out of the way and got aggressive and looked completely stupid. The worst part? The woman who caught the bouquet (another friend of mine) had elbowed and jumped and fought to catch the bouquet -- and she was ALREADY ENGAGED! What the heck?

 

[snuga]

I''m sorry you had to deal with that.

Weddings are so stressful, especially if it''s your sister and you want to be getting married too.

I was in my boyfriends sister''s wedding this past summer and that was difficult. People automatically assumed we were engaged because I was in the wedding.. It was all "oh your sister-in-law" looks so beautiful. I had to correct them, explaining that she was not my sister in law and we were not engaged...

ugh...

Although I also think the tradition of the bouquet/garter toss is not something I want at my wedding, the wedding bouquet toss at her wedding was also caught by an engaged woman, and the garter toss was caught by an engaged man... What is that about??

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/17/2005 8:21:39 PM
Author: kalispera
Although I also think the tradition of the bouquet/garter toss is not something I want at my wedding, the wedding bouquet toss at her wedding was also caught by an engaged woman, and the garter toss was caught by an engaged man... What is that about??

Hmmmm...I would NOT be putting myself into the garter toss/bouquet thing if I was already engaged. The whole point is for single people or those dating but not engaged to participate. If you''re already engaged....wouldn''t you logically be getting married soon anyway?! And even if it''s a long engagement and the wedding isn''t that ''soon'', it kinda takes the fun out of it if someone who''s engaged catches the thing.

 

[Jelly]

Fatafelice, I''m so sorry to hear about your miserable time at your sis''s wedding.

It''s good to hear that your boyfriend was supportive through it all.

Although it may seem horrible now, things are never as bad as they seem. Twenty years from now, you''ll have a "story" to tell and (hopefully) get a good laugh out of the whole thing.

 

[ellewoods]

I totally don''t understand why engaged people jump in the bouquet toss either. This girl I''m talking about was the next in line to get married in our group of friends -- her wedding date was set, beautiful luxury hotel booked and paid for, etc. I''m sure she was excited thinking about her wedding, but why couldn''t she have stood respectfully at the side, or even stood on the side and smirked at the unengaged and single girls who were anxious to catch the bouquet, for whom it might have been really meaningful to catch it? And she didn''t even catch it and act surprised and blush and all of that. She jumped up and grabbed it, and then thrust it in the air and danced around. We knew she was getting married next, we had all gotten the invitations! So why the show?

 

[Mara]

I think every wedding of someone you are close to is hard to handle when you are single with no prospects or sometimes even worse dating with a flaky prospect. But if it was me I would have used the opportunity to tell your BF when your dad said that...YEAH, hey what is the deal! *insert sweet smile* HAHA. In the bouquet scenario I would have turned around and looked at your BF and pointed at the bouquet. Everyone would start laughing. Turn it into humor. Esp since YOU are the one waiting. Why shouldn''t BF feel a bit of the burn from time to time?

Gotta be creative sometimes.

 

[MissAva]

I am sorry. *hugs*

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/17/2005 10:13:35 PM
Author: Mara
I think every wedding of someone you are close to is hard to handle when you are single with no prospects or sometimes even worse dating with a flaky prospect. But if it was me I would have used the opportunity to tell your BF when your dad said that...YEAH, hey what is the deal! *insert sweet smile* HAHA. In the bouquet scenario I would have turned around and looked at your BF and pointed at the bouquet. Everyone would start laughing. Turn it into humor. Esp since YOU are the one waiting. Why shouldn''t BF feel a bit of the burn from time to time?

Gotta be creative sometimes.

I have to say - this sounds exactly like something I would do. Kinda gotta go for the joke to lighten the mood sometimes...although, maybe the BF wouldn''t appreciate becoming the butt of the joke instead of you!!!! But then again...looks like he needs a kick in the rear.

 

[memsy]

i think you should focus on what your boyfriend did.. i think it was incredibly sweet that he had the band play your song so you could dance..

and honestly? maybe that pressure will get him in gear???

but i''m sorry you had to go through this! ugh, how stressful. sounds like you''re a trooper though!

 

[jenwill]

As a fellow sufferer in the bouquet toss horror (my name was announced OVER THE SPEAKERS to come and join in the toss.....with all of the other single girls, and i do mean girls- they were twelve! I was 33.) I can totally sympathize. While we would all like to have the quick comeback, at the moment it is happening it is too horrible to comprehend.

It was nice of your boyfriend to at least try to arrange for a dance, and like others have said, this may be the nudge that he needed to realize what YOU are going through.

 

[Mara]

Date: 10/17/2005 10:24:05 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 10/17/2005 10:13:35 PM
Author: Mara
I think every wedding of someone you are close to is hard to handle when you are single with no prospects or sometimes even worse dating with a flaky prospect. But if it was me I would have used the opportunity to tell your BF when your dad said that...YEAH, hey what is the deal! *insert sweet smile* HAHA. In the bouquet scenario I would have turned around and looked at your BF and pointed at the bouquet. Everyone would start laughing. Turn it into humor. Esp since YOU are the one waiting. Why shouldn't BF feel a bit of the burn from time to time?

Gotta be creative sometimes.

I have to say - this sounds exactly like something I would do. Kinda gotta go for the joke to lighten the mood sometimes...although, maybe the BF wouldn't appreciate becoming the butt of the joke instead of you!!!! But then again...looks like he needs a kick in the rear.

Haha totally FG...in fact I HAVE done that bouquet point with raised eyebrows and a grin in the past...with a great ex of mine where we didn't plan to get married, but it was fun to torture him at weddings!! tee hee.

 

[appletini]

This happened to my BF at two weddings we were at this summer. The first one, all the other wives were telling the groom where my BF was standing during the garter toss, so that he would be the aim. The second, the groom turned around and ran right up and handed it to him.

 

[nytemist]

That''s so hard to go through. Big hug to you and be proud you survived it. I went through it at my best friend''s wedding 2 years ago. I was in her wedding. Of us all in the bridal party, it was me and her 2 nieces that weren''t married. From the moment I got to her house a 11 in the morning, in the limo, at the reception and in the bar we partied at after the reception until about 3AM, some asked when my BF and I were getting married... most assumed that we were engaged since EVERYONE ELSE was married, engaged or had just gotten divorced (so people ''understood'') Her mom, her friends, her aunt... anyone who knew me over the years came and asked me "so when is your big day?" I was repeatedly deflecting it with "well, nothing has been discussed yet." By the time we hit the bar, I reached my limit. Her aunt was the worst- she looks at my BF and says "so how long are you going to string her along?" I started gagging on my drink I was so shocked. I tried to leave the table or start talking to someone else since I didn''t want to hear what answer he came up with, then she looked at me and said "so what''s happening that he won''t make an honest woman out of you?" By this point I snapped (since BF was way too nonchalant about this) I said "I guess I''m not the one.'' She says "oh, well it helps knowing where you stand" and she continued socializing with others at the table. BF was so red-faced from embarrassment and anger at my answer. Later in our hotel rooom he was about to pick a fight but I said first hey, people have been asking you an honest question. What''s your honest answer? At the time he didn''t have one and didn''t make for a good night (or next day)

It sucks so bad that people don''t realize how hard that is for a woman to hear when they are waiting and feeling like they aren''t good enough already. It may lead to a good conversation between the two of you about when things will go forward.

Who knows????

 

[MissAva]

Why is it always assumed that if a couple has been together for a bit that they both want marriage? Or that if one party is dragging their feet it must be the guy? Am I the only one who finds this annoying? For heavens sake I am 22 and in Feb will have been dating the same guy for 5 years. We are not exactly over the hill, and yet whenever people see me they give me these looks full of pity, or little pats, like I am dying.
Everyone assumes it is the man who needs to be ready. What do woman have some sort of experation date? We are not all despreate loonies just trying to catch a man. Arrggg, I swear if I had not found PS and the LIW I would be having weekly tantrums, people can be real idiots at times.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 10/18/2005 11:49:59 AM
Author: Matatora
What do woman have some sort of experation date?

Oh, Matatora, I love you so much! You brought tears to my eyes! Let''s never discuss politics again!!!

Big hugs,
Deb

 

[JCJD]

Date: 10/18/2005 8:56:53 AM
Author: appletini
This happened to my BF at two weddings we were at this summer. The first one, all the other wives were telling the groom where my BF was standing during the garter toss, so that he would be the aim. The second, the groom turned around and ran right up and handed it to him.

Thank heavens for this appletini! My beef is why everyone always asks the GIRL when the BOY plans on proposing?!? I mean, if women were the ones who traditionally propose to the guy, I''d understand why people ask women, but come on!


So sorry to hear about this fatafelice. Hopefully this will elicit some good conversation and perhaps a define-the-relationship talk with the boy. My standard response to these types of questions was "I don''t know, why don''t you ask him, he''s in charge of it you know." or some variation on the theme. Still frustrating, but it puts the "blame" on the "guilty" party.

((((((((((((HHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!))))))))))))

 

[MissAva]

Date: 10/18/2005 12:10:05 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 10/18/2005 11:49:59 AM
Author: Matatora
What do woman have some sort of experation date?

Oh, Matatora, I love you so much! You brought tears to my eyes! Let''s never discuss politics again!!!

Big hugs,
Deb

Done and Done!

Hugs back at you!

 

[fatafelice]

Thanks, everyone! I am starting to feel better. I guess I just had to detox from the "poison" of all those good intentions. Plus, I am trying to focus on how sweet my BF was. And I am proud of myself for not flipping out an provoking a major fight

I just hope it is soon. It would have been nice to go to the wedding already engaged, but I will settle for by Christmas. He said one time that he thought it would be by then, but I don''t think his saving is going very well. If it isn''t by next summer, then I will have some serious thinking to do.

 

[Shay37]

Fatafelice, the one thing that struck me in the situation is that perhaps is there any chance that your BF cooked up that whole bouquet thing with your sister as a willing accomplice? I don''t know. It just got me to thinking. The way he responded was very thoughtful. He didn''t respond as if he was feeling cornered. He responded as if he wanted you in the spotlight. Is it possible? Can you ask him?

shay

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 10/18/2005 11:49:59 AM
Author: Matatora
What do woman have some sort of experation date? We are not all despreate loonies just trying to catch a man.

I love you girls, each and every one of you. Mata, you rock. Mara, you crack me up. Elle, right on. Go LIW!!

This is utter crap, FF, and I give you

for having way more composure than I would.

This is why I won''t be having a bouquet toss at my wedding. It''s nonsense and it is more often embarrassing and hurtful than it is fun.

 

[anchor31]

I never saw a bouquet toss that way... Then again, the last wedding I went to was a little over two years ago, my BF''s friends were getting married and my not-yet-BF had invited me. We were seeing each other at the time, but not officially dating yet (we did fall madly in love with each other on that day though

), so I just participated and had a laugh.

However, the man who caught the bouquet was already engaged and had two young boys who did not find funny at all that their dad was trying to put the garter back the bouquet-catcher''s leg (who was also already engaged). I''m not sure that part of the game should be included when children are present. We think it''s funny, but it''s a grown-up game, and I feel for those little boys.

I found it a bit strange that engaged people participated, too. I mean, of course you''re next to get married, you''re engaged! I know you''re still "officially single", but be nice and move over, please!

Cheers!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 10/19/2005 8:48:53 PM
Author: anchor31
I never saw a bouquet toss that way... Then again, the last wedding I went to was a little over two years ago, my BF''s friends were getting married and my not-yet-BF had invited me. We were seeing each other at the time, but not officially dating yet (we did fall madly in love with each other on that day though

), so I just participated and had a laugh.

However, the man who caught the bouquet was already engaged and had two young boys who did not find funny at all that their dad was trying to put the garter back the bouquet-catcher''s leg (who was also already engaged). I''m not sure that part of the game should be included when children are present. We think it''s funny, but it''s a grown-up game, and I feel for those little boys.

I found it a bit strange that engaged people participated, too. I mean, of course you''re next to get married, you''re engaged! I know you''re still ''officially single'', but be nice and move over, please!

Cheers!

Are you kidding me? That is bizzare....and just doesnt jibe with the serious nature of a wedding to me.

 

[goldengirl]

Matatora, traditionally the garter-catcher puts the garter on the bouquet-catcher''s leg, and traditionally, THEY are the next couple to marry. Which, you can imagine, can be quite a funny pairing at times!

 

[appletini]

I got so lucky last night...and no I did not catch the bouquet. Why was I so lucky? Because they did not have a bouquet and garter toss at the wedding!!!! I was so excited, it was so nice to not be singled out, and no one asked any *personal* questions. Although I was occassionaly mistaken for a wife, and I had to correct that I was a GF.

I wasn''t going to go, but flew in yesterday afternoon, at the last minute. And my bf said that when he gave his rehearsal dinner speach, he told everyone that the groom had ruined his life, because his proposal was so elaborate with a yacht, etc, and now the bf has high standards to live up to for me. Now I wish I''d been there to hear it in person. I told my BF I''d just be happy if he popped the question, yacht is optional.

 

[Kit]

Fatafelice, that sounds like a complete freakin'' nightmare. You poor thing! IMO tossing anything up in the air for others to catch at a wedding reception should just be outlawed. Ugh!!

 

[fatafelice]

Well, I''m glad to know I''m not a crazy person for being so bothered! Thanks everyone! On the bright side, I didn''t have to deal with that whole garter thing...gross!

A few days ago I finally lost it (drat that PMS), just started crying, and then BF and I had yet another long, emotional discussion. I am definitely feeling better about our relationship, but my ring prospects are not looking good for any time prior to Christmas. Buying the house last year has kept finances pretty tight. *SIGH* Guess I''m lucky that he is worth all this waiting!

Insult to injury...One of the other bridemaids sent out an email link to the pictures her husband took at the wedding. You guessed it...the moment was definitely captured for poserity.