A poll of opinions: Ring discussion before proposal?

[Lane]

Hi guys! I''m new Been drooling over people''s rings in the other forums, but I belong here

Here''s a question: Many of you seem to have picked out various aspects of your engagement rings (the stone/setting/etc.) before the actual proposal. I''m wondering about how that worked out...

I''m dealing with a very hesitant guy -- we''ve been together 3 years and he''s wonderful, but slow in warming up to marriage. We have agreed on a timeline before this spring, however. The other factor is that we already have a family diamond we''re going to use for the ring.

Anyway, I was wondering about opinions on having the actual ring for the proposal, or going out together to get it afterward? How many people have collaborated on the ring and are just waiting for him to give it to you? OR... do you think it''s better to hold off on ring choosing until after the proposal? Am i being silly for wanting him to propose with the ''actual ring''?
Thanks-I''d love to hear your thoughts

 

[Lane]

Also, just for fun, I''m going back and forth between two settings for the diamond (which was my aunt''s, and it''s important to me to use!)

Here''s number 1:

 

[Lane]

And here''s number 2!

Thanks!!

 

[star sparkle]

Hi, and welcome!

We''re currently in the process of getting a custom ring from WF, with a proposal likely coming in the next couple of months.

When we first started talking about rings I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and would send him pictures and tell him all about it. Then one day we thought it would be fun to go out and try some things on, just to see what they looked like, and it turned out that what I wanted didn''t look all that great on my finger! So I started re-looking, and then I got worried because I didn''t know what I wanted, and then he got worried because neither of us knew what I wanted. For about a week we thought he was going to pick it out himself and would surprise me, but then we determined that there was no way for us to know what I liked/wanted without more trying on and seeing what looked good on me. In the end, since it seemed that it would be impossible for him to just magically pick one out himself that I would like, he said I could pick it out.

Earlier this week we discussed having a stone placed in a temporary setting since it seemed that it was going to take forever to find the PERFECT setting for me, but decided I wanted the actual ring when he proposes. You''re not silly at all!

 

[pjean]

I''ve pretty much designed the ring, but I won''t see it again until my bf decides he''s good and ready. It was really important to him that he be able to propose, and that it be a surprise.

We went ring shopping, and the idea was that he would get an idea of what I wanted, and then go from there. But instead, he realized that it would be easy to get a ring that I really didn''t like at all. He was disappointed, thinking that we would buy a ring together, he''d sign the credit card slip, and I''d put the ring on. That would be it.

The compromise we came up with is that I chose the stone, we went to the jeweler together, and I won''t see the finished ring until he proposes with it. That way, I get to be in charge of the appearance of the ring, and he gets to be in charge of the timing.

I think, in your situation, there are some advantages to this arrangement. It gave us a way to talk about getting engaged that was fun, and didn''t make my bf feel time pressure - he knew that I knew that he wasn''t going to propose yet, but we were looking at pictures, going to stores, etc.

Whatever you guys decide, it sounds as though good things are in the future for you!

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/1/2008 10:30:36 PM
Author: star sparkle
it turned out that what I wanted didn''t look all that great on my finger!

This happened to me too. I wanted a coloured stone in a halo on a thin band. Too bad my hands didn''t...

 

[Lane]

Thanks star sparkle!! I''d love to go into stores and try them on, but i''m really trying to give him some time to just think things over and get used to the marriage thing (which he is trepidatious about for a variety of reasons, and i''m trying to be understanding, bc things really are good). Soooo... i don''t want to get too (more) involved. I''m starting to think i should just wait and see what he comes up with (either proposing with no ring, OR with a random one maybe) and then we can go shopping for settings together? Hmm your plan sounds like more fun, though thanks for your thoughts!

 

[star sparkle]

Just wanted to add that the whole process of ring shopping together has been extremely fun, and my b/f has really enjoyed it as well!

I find it so adorable when I try on a ring and ask him what he thinks, and he says he doesn''t like it because it doesn''t sparkle enough.

 

[Lane]

Date: 2/1/2008 10:32:38 PM
Author: pjean
I''ve pretty much designed the ring, but I won''t see it again until my bf decides he''s good and ready. It was really important to him that he be able to propose, and that it be a surprise.

We went ring shopping, and the idea was that he would get an idea of what I wanted, and then go from there. But instead, he realized that it would be easy to get a ring that I really didn''t like at all. He was disappointed, thinking that we would buy a ring together, he''d sign the credit card slip, and I''d put the ring on. That would be it.

The compromise we came up with is that I chose the stone, we went to the jeweler together, and I won''t see the finished ring until he proposes with it. That way, I get to be in charge of the appearance of the ring, and he gets to be in charge of the timing.

I think, in your situation, there are some advantages to this arrangement. It gave us a way to talk about getting engaged that was fun, and didn''t make my bf feel time pressure - he knew that I knew that he wasn''t going to propose yet, but we were looking at pictures, going to stores, etc.

Whatever you guys decide, it sounds as though good things are in the future for you!

You bring up some very good points here -- especially shopping and talking about getting engaged in a fun way... i think that''s important. AND going into stores makes it easier for men to see tangible rings and judge what they like/don''t like... something they might not have ever thought about before! (like many of us here have heheh)

 

[Lane]

Date: 2/1/2008 10:36:59 PM
Author: star sparkle
Just wanted to add that the whole process of ring shopping together has been extremely fun, and my b/f has really enjoyed it as well!

I find it so adorable when I try on a ring and ask him what he thinks, and he says he doesn''t like it because it doesn''t sparkle enough.

you''re right -- they come up wtih the most random things to comment on! totally funny one day he did say -- hey, maybe we should find a little designer and have a custom setting made that we design together? it was so cute. Course at that moment i was dead set on a tiffany-style setting, and so i said no... and now regretting it... my taste changes a lot heheh but i''m sure i''ll decide one day!

 

[violet02]

My fi proposed with the actual ring. He really wanted to do it that way, it made it seem more ''real'' and official to place the ring on my hand. I originally felt that I was fine if he proposed then gave it to me later but I realized I liked the symbolism with the actual ring. Also buying the ring cemented it in his head that he was really going to propose. Made it more real for him then just a discussion. We went through the process of picking it out and having it made but after it was ordered I left it up to him to pick when he wanted to propose and how (basically the same story as pjean''s). I really wanted to be able to pick my own setting out, since I''m the one who has to wear it all the time. Going ring shopping together also showed me how serious he was about doing this.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Date: 2/1/2008 10:17:53 PM
Author:Lane
Anyway, I was wondering about opinions on having the actual ring for the proposal, or going out together to get it afterward? How many people have collaborated on the ring and are just waiting for him to give it to you? OR... do you think it''s better to hold off on ring choosing until after the proposal? Am i being silly for wanting him to propose with the ''actual ring''?

Several years ago, my bf and I started checking out jewelry stores & rings quite casually. As our relationship has steadily progressed towards engagement and marriage, our search became more serious. We forged a relationship with a local chain B&M store with outstanding customer service and found a couple of settings that I really liked. We talked with them and went to see the settings etc for about 2 years until we started to become really serious about finding the right setting and the perfect diamond. After all of this, I was too engaged in the process to actually not take part in the diamond selection as well.

We became educated together and determined that, unfortunately, despite the great service, the diamonds being offered by this B&M were not the quality of which we were seeking so we found another jeweler who was able to find us our perfect diamond and able to get in our setting as well. Now that both elements of the ring have been found ... I have been excluded from the process by both my bf and my jeweler. I have seen the diamond and the setting seperately, however, I have yet to see my ering actually et with the diamond. I will see it for the first time when he proposes ... unless, of course, I am able to devise some type of diabolical plan to see it before he proposes.

It has been a truly enjoyable experience collaborating on the search for my ering with my bf. I would recommend it for any one who is interested in jewelery and has a strong opinion of what they think they would like.

I do not think that you are at all being silly for wanting him to propose with the actual ring ... I feel the same. My preference, if, for example, finances were an issue, would be to wait to receive the ring than to go ahead and experience the proposal without the ring ... There is no rhyme or reason to it ... it just is that way but to each his own, right?

 

[gwendolyn]

Wow, those are both beautiful settings! Your aunt''s diamond is going to have a lovely home.

I think you should talk to your boyfriend about what his envisions for the proposal, and what you envision. I don''t think you''re silly at all for wanting him to propose with the ring in hand--I want the same thing. I''m a sentimental sop, and I will forever associate that moment when he asks with the ring. So we''re going to shop together, buy the ring, and then he''ll hold onto it until he proposes.

Talk to your guy and see what he wants to do, and tell him what you want, and then figure out what works for the two of you. There''s no ''right'' answer to how to do this.

 

[glueck]

Congrats Lane on your upcoming adventure.

What I have learned here is that there are "diamond gals" and ""setting gals." I am a setting gal. I suspect you might be too. If you have a lovely family diamond coming your way, the "setting gal" in me says he should put in in a temporary setting so he can propose with NO DISCUSSION with you. After all, the family diamond is SO important, the diamond alone will carry the weight of the ring offering at the proposal. (most men like the element of surprise, and discussion absolutey ruins it for them - it is now a topic that is NOT to be discussed in my home....OFF LIMITS, even though we have started some planning and I know he has my antique beauty being sized)

After the proposal, he will be so excited about the process, that the setting search will be tons of fun for you both. It is a win-win. If the diamond is still in is setting and if you like it enough to wear it for two months, just have him size it. it may be a less expensive option while you are designing your setting together.

I am a setting gal, but I am also a romantic gal. The family stone is the heart and soul of the ring. The setting can come when he wants to talk about the ring.... for some men.... that is AFTER the proposal. Boys are funny.... and they need their moment in the spotlight. its the biggest question he''ll ever ask, so I suggest this idea, so he an have his moment, and YOU can have your setting for this perfect family stone.

Just my two cents!!

 

[bee*]

D and I picked out and he bought our ring before we got engaged. I didn''t see it again until he proposed nearly three months later. It was so romantic picking our ring together. I loved it.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Former LIW here- Class of 2005!

I ABSOLUTELY wanted a say in my ring. I'm thrilled that DH was OK with it. I happed to be in Houston on biz, so I went in to look at a couple of stones (princess) and settings (solitares). I ended up falling in love with a stone- it was clearly "the one". I didn't have a set view of the setting- just knew i wanted a solitare. anyway, I narrowed it down to 3, and DH picked out his favorite, which happened to be mine!

The stone part wasn't a surprise, but the setting/proposal certainly was!

 

[Lane]

THanks so much everyone!! Very interesting that the consensus is almost overwhelming that the ring shopping occured together, THEN the surprise proposal. I''d love to do taht, i''m just concerned that my bf won''t want to -- he thinks even talking about rings is stressful at this point, BUT we''ve agreed on a timeline. Perhaps i''ll just give it some more time. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!!

 

[Pandora II]

I got the surprise proposal, and then we started looking for the ring.

FI knew I'd want to design it - in fact I ended up with two rings. It took me 6 months to do the e-ring, so he gave me a placeholder antique sapphire and eternity band to wear in the meantime.

I design e-rings for my friends, and I hate doing it with no input from the girl who's going to wear it..

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Lane! Welcome to PS!

First, I love the rings you posted (the first one, especially)! Second, I don''t think you''re silly for wanting to be proposed to with an actual ring. I think people have many thoughts on the subject. Some love the idea of being proposed to and then going shopping for a ring together. Others, like my FI and I, had their ring made first and then the proposal happened. We looked for a few months and then decided what we wanted. We had Whiteflash make my engagement ring and my wedding band at the same time. I knew exactly what it would look like but my FI wouldn''t let me see the final pictures from WF until after he proposed. I liked doing it that way because we worked together to choose a design we both loved, yet there was that element of surprise, which is always nice.

 

[Independent Gal]

Collaboration = good. FI and I looked at lots of rings together, then he picked one he liked, and told me I could nix it. I was unsure at first, but then fell more and more in love with it. At this point with 6 months clocked of wearing it, I am, like, crazy about it.

But I don''t think it''s ever a bad thing with anything marriage related to collaborate. Even picking bling!

 

[Lane]

Guys, just wanted to say thanks so much for your thoughts. I''m thinking of saying, "The more i think about it, having the actual ring for the proposal is very important to me. Why don''t we look into having my Aunt''s diamond set now (instead of later, which he''s prob. thinking) and then you can keep it and surprise me iwth it when you''re ready?" HONEST opinions... am i being overly pushy, or is this legit? thanks...

 

[ImpatientOne]

I wanted the ring for the proposal. I actually went out and picked out both the stone and the setting, then took my ff with me to show him so he''d know what to get.

I love both of your settings, but depending on the size of the stone, I''d probably go with #1!!!

 

[Diamond Confused]

It depends on the kind of people you are. IMHO you are the one that has to wear it forever so if you feel like picking it out then you should.

My boyfriend said he wants to go out on his own to purchase the ring. In his opinion it is unromatic otherwise. I on the other hand want 100% say in what ring he gets. So here is the compromise we came to: He gives me a budget, I pick the store, style, color, clarity etc. and email him the info when I''m certain of what I want and then he goes out to buy it when he wants. I won''t know when that is so it will be a surpirse.

 

[Diamond Confused]

It depends on the kind of people you are. IMHO you are the one that has to wear it forever so if you feel like picking it out then you should.

My boyfriend said he wants to go out on his own to purchase the ring. In his opinion it is unromatic otherwise. I on the other hand want 100% say in what ring he gets. So here is the compromise we came to: He gives me a budget, I give him a detailed list of what I want (carat size, color, cut, clarity ring style, store etc.) and he'll go out and buy it when he's ready to propose.

It's a win win especially since he won't have to take the time to do all the research. I've spent countless hours at Tiffany's and all he has to do now is go in and pay for it. Choosing a ring is a headache so you save him the stress.

I like the first design by the way.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I think it really depends on you two and what you prefer.

SO asked me for a ''wishlist'' so to speak. I guess he expected me to have all the specs down, from colour to clarity to carats. I personally don''t feel comfortable asking for a specific size of diamond for him, though, because how much he wants to spend is totally up to him (and something I would feel awkward discussing, personally). So, I just emailed him a handful of pictures with the style I like and a description (round, either solitaire or three-stone, six-prong if solitaire). Told him that when the day comes, he can do the rest of the homework. I''m sure he will, he''s the type that will research a lot and I''m confident he won''t get a bad deal or anything.

That''s still super far off, but he wanted it now so it can be a surprise someday. I would prefer a surprise proposal too so it was nice to get it out of the way, so to speak.

 

[Deelight]

I have picked out certain aspects which are the metal: Platnium, how I want the claws to be, the head has to be scooooopy and I would like some little aspect that makes the ring uniquely ours and the size of the diamond I would like The rest is up to him we have fairly similar tastes so I know he will create something beautiful

 

[Isolde]

I don''t think you''re being silly for wanting the ''actual ring'', although it isn''t in any way a necessity for proposal, it certainly adds a special element. I''d suggest going the route of collaborating prior to, and simply waiting for him to give it to you. If you''re very sentimental, you most likely want the ring you''ll be wearing to have been given to you during the proposal, so you always have that association. Really, though, there is no wrong way about it!

As for me, my proposal was a complete and utter surprise, ring and all. I had absolutely no idea that he was going to propose to me, even though I was certain one day we''d end up together in that sense. We''ve been dating for quite some time, but we are also fairly young, so it never even crossed my mind that he''d ask at this point. He bought a ring with what little extra money he had saved, and asked me in December. The fact that it was all a surprise is something I''ll cherish forever; it truly touched me.

Oh, and about the ring. Both are truly gorgeous, though I''m partial to #2. Good luck!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I picked out my diamond and I picked out my setting. I have not seen them set and finished. That will be the surprise

 

[designchica]

Here''s my take on talking about/picking out the ring before the proposal:

My bf and I are looking at rings together and have narrowed it down to two types of stones and three or four settings. While this does take a lot of the fun out of it for him and me as well, there is also a comfort for him in knowing that I will love what he gives me. As he put it, "I don''t want to spend a ton of money on something unless I know you reallly love it". and on my end, there is a lot of comfort in knowing that even though I don''t which ring he is getting, I will love the one he picks because I''ve approved them all. So that is awesome to not have that concern.

However, I do wish it was more of a surprise. But you cannot have your cake and eat it too. There are plenty of opportunities for surprises over the next 50 years together but there are not that many opportunities to get your dream ring.

 

[bensbride]

I''m not engaged yet, but I''m glad Ben and I went looking together. I was another one that thought I really liked one thing and ended up liking something completely different on my finger. He didn''t buy it when I was right there, so I won''t technically know which one he will choose. I think it was nice to at least ask my input. He said, "You''re going to have to wear it for the rest of your life, so I want you to LOVE it!" I want him to have the ring when he proposes so I can slip it on my finger (and it WILL fit because he bought me a birthstone ring in December and now knows what size my ring finger is). To me, it won''t feel real until I have the ring on my finger. I know marriage isn''t just about a ring, but its a symbol and a sign for everyone to know our happy news when that day comes.