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misscuppycake

misscuppycake

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
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164
So I haven''t really had a chance to fully explain my story here but it''s getting close to "crunch time" and I could really use some wise advice from everyone here.

Basically, s/o and I have been talking about an engagement in the very near future (he keeps shortening the timeline which is bittersweet as you will soon see). That would normally be great and wonderful, except that my parents have hated my boyfriend from the start. We''ve been dating 3.5 years and if anything, the anger has only intensified. They feel he is not good enough for me because I am more educated and will ultimately be the bigger breadwinner in the family. Both my parents were educated in North America and live in a rather western society, but they have very traditional views that the man should be "better" and "richer".

In any case, my mother is particularly intense about it. My relationship with her has never been great but it''s been bearable. Ever since I started dating s/o though, things have been seriously strained. She spends hours yelling at me and telling me how disappointed she is with me despite everything I have achieved over the past few years (finishing a university degree and getting a second one now). She has even gone so far as to tell me SHE hated me for dating him. A few weeks ago, she mentioned that the day we get engaged, she will disown me entirely. There will be no promises as to whether she will show up at the wedding or not and she will kick me out (I am currently still living at home and I was waiting until I was finished this final year to move out, hopefully into a marriage if things had gone as planned). She is so furious at the thought of it even happening that I can''t deny my "engagement dream" is slowly but surely turning into a nightmare.

I lay awake at night, horrified at the thought that after he pops the question, I will have to come home to yelling, screaming, and turmoil. Then my mom won''t even show up to my wedding.

I''m so very torn about it. My s/o seems to think the proposal will "rescue me" from her horrible ways (she does have some issues and we''ve always had some problems) but I just don''t know how to feel. I want to be excited like everybody else, but there''s such a scary aspect to it.

Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone does have ANY words of advice, I would take them. Thank you.
 
If my mother was acting like that towards me and didn't care about my happiness, I would beat her to the punch and disown her first.

But that's just me.

You can't live your life being unhappy and if your mom is making you feel that way, the healthiest thing to do is get out of that environment and get out NOW! I wouldn't even wait til the engagement if I were you (unless you don't believe in living together until engaged or married).

Ok I'm done now :)
 
I can see how its hard for you - on one hand your parents just want the best for you (even if they''re a somewhat old fashioned and their views may not coincide well with modern couples and marriages) but on the other hand you want them to recognize that you are truly happy with your S/O and therefore this IS the best for you.

Have you talked to them about what worries them as far as you being the breadwinner in your marriage? Why they''re so passionate about this? Maybe getting to the reasons behind their beliefs will help you to then talk to them about you''re emotions towards your SO and how your happiness is not completely reliant on him making more money than you... that both incomes can combine to provide a safe life for the two of you.

I know it can be hard. Close friends of mine have dealt with similar situations with their parents, not regarding marriage but regarding their lifestyles and friendships. In the end both the friends and their parents had to come to a compromise with one another but theres still tension and fights. Its an on going effort, you know? I''m sorry you''re having such a hard time though
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Time to be happy for yourself and all that you have achieved through school.... Sounds like you have to do what is best for YOU, and your SO. I pray she comes around, but don''t get your hopes too high.

This just kills me, as you are doing what we want our kids to do, get higher education, do well in life. I feel bad for you. Am guessing it''s a cultural thing?? I have never heard a Mom saying they''d disown their kid. I am not asking to open up a can of worms here. I respect all cultures. Just trying to understand.....
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Hugs to you, I wish you nothing but happiness going forward.!!!
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Yeah it is partially a cultural thing. We are Asian although I refrained from saying that because I really don''t like to give the Asian culture a bad name. I know that is not what is COMPLETELY guiding the "craziness" of my mom. She has a lot of issues, some anger problems, and we''ve had our share of rough times so it''s culture mixed with the my-way-or-the-highway mentality. It''s been a really rough ride but I truly appreciate all the support I have gotten from you guys thus far. I really think this is something I''m just going to have to fight through and it''s great to know people are standing by me in the process.

My boyfriend is also white, this poses a slight problem as well but the breadwinner issue is the most outstanding problem.
 
Hello, sweetie. Before I get into my response, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are having to go through this. This time in both your lives (yours and your SO''s) should be one of joy, not anger or shame, but this is what the situation is, so we''ll try to help support you as best as possible.

I too make more money than my boyfriend and am more educated than he is, and although we come from different countries, our cultures are similar enough that we have not experienced what you have. However, others on PS have, and a few have had to make that incredibly difficult decision to leave their families behind in favour of the new families they were making with their future husbands and wives. I think that, as long as *you* are perfectly happy with the way things are in your relationship (in other words, you don''t resent the fact that your man makes less money than you, right?) and want to move forward with your engagement, you should. You are not responsible for your mother''s happiness, and if you tried to let her dictate your life, you''d almost definitely guarantee that you yourself would not be happy. Your priorities are different. The thing is that your mom had her life to live the way she wanted to; she doesn''t get yours as well.

It will be sad for you both if she can''t adjust to the fact that you will be married to a man to whom she doesn''t approve, but you will have the comfort (such as it is, anyway) of knowing you are following your heart and breaking down cultural barriers to be with the man you love. It will be very, very hard, but as long as you and your future husband stay true and supportive of each other, I think you will be happy. And maybe one day, your mother will realize that she should be proud of everything you are and happy because you are happy. But until then, I think you need to think as if she will stop being a part of your life so you can start to make that mental adjustment of her impending absence in your life.

My heart aches for you and your future husband, honey. I hope you communicate your concerns to each other and that you both will stay strong.
 
You need to calmly explain to you mother (write her a letter even) and tell her that this is the man you have chosen to love honour and spend the rest of your life with. And that you hope that one day she will find it in her heart to be happy that her child has found the love and happiness that I am sure you deserve.

This is totally selfish and unfair of her to do this to you. You need to move on without her blessing if necessary. Hopefully one day she will come to the understand the error of her ways and make amends. I only hope you can forgive her.

This is your life and your happiness on the line. Don''t sacrifice it for your mother. You don''t owe her anything but you owe it to yourself to be happy.

Accept the upcoming proposal with joy and excitment and move out of home if you need to. Don''t let her destroy this happy special time in your life.

I have to say though, it sounds like the issues lie with your mother and not your bf. He doesn''t need to prove himself to her. If you are both happy together then that''s all that matters. Your Mum will get over it eventually. She is just using emotional blackmail to hurt you and get her own way. She is probably just scared of losing you, but it''s no excuse for her behavior.
 
Hi Miss Cuppy Cake!
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Well, I''ve seen you around, but I can''t remember all the tidbits that would play into this little situation you''ve got going on, for example how old you are, what your job is (or intended job), and what your SO does for a living.

I was the typical rebellious child myself, (although my mother was pretty relaxed - I think in retrospect, too relaxed). My mum had the idea that I should learn from my own mistakes... and I ended up cr*p creek by following my nose, let me tell you!

I guess like most people, I have heaps of stories to tell, but before you alienate your mum completely, you should be *completely* sure that there is not a GRAIN of truth to any of the fears she harbours regarding your SO.

Not that I''m saying you should call things off if indeed there *was* a grain of reality surrounding your man, but it might help you see things from your mum''s position, and it might give you another perspective on this relationship you have.

You say you will be earning more than him... have you actually worked at the coalface of the job you are intending to move into? What if you don''t like it? What if, like many men do in their 30s-40s, you get *really* sick of your profession, and yet have to keep plugging away to put food on the table for your family? Are you planning on having children in the future? If so, how do you think you will manage career vs childraising. If you are chief bread-winner, this is an important issue, and not just from a ''personal development'' perspective.

Sorry if all this is sounding heavy, but I thought of absolutely NONE of these things when I fell in love. My mother didn''t like him and surprise surprise, he was the wrong person. All ended well in the end, but let me say, I had a *very* lucky escape. However, he also was not interested in marrying me, and was generally a lay-about, selfish person. (Oh, but he was very creative!
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)

Don''t think for a minute I am dissing on your man. Just putting another perspective, for you to chew over when thinking about how to deal with your mum...
at the end of the day, her vision of an ideal lover for you is probably not going to gel with your full reality... but it would be nice (especially for your mum''s enjoyment and peace of mind) if the two of you could be friends with each other.
 
Date: 9/27/2008 5:26:24 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Hello, sweetie. Before I get into my response, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are having to go through this. This time in both your lives (yours and your SO's) should be one of joy, not anger or shame, but this is what the situation is, so we'll try to help support you as best as possible.

I too make more money than my boyfriend and am more educated than he is, and although we come from different countries, our cultures are similar enough that we have not experienced what you have. However, others on PS have, and a few have had to make that incredibly difficult decision to leave their families behind in favour of the new families they were making with their future husbands and wives. I think that, as long as *you* are perfectly happy with the way things are in your relationship (in other words, you don't resent the fact that your man makes less money than you, right?) and want to move forward with your engagement, you should. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness, and if you tried to let her dictate your life, you'd almost definitely guarantee that you yourself would not be happy. Your priorities are different. The thing is that your mom had her life to live the way she wanted to; she doesn't get yours as well.

It will be sad for you both if she can't adjust to the fact that you will be married to a man to whom she doesn't approve, but you will have the comfort (such as it is, anyway) of knowing you are following your heart and breaking down cultural barriers to be with the man you love. It will be very, very hard, but as long as you and your future husband stay true and supportive of each other, I think you will be happy. And maybe one day, your mother will realize that she should be proud of everything you are and happy because you are happy. But until then, I think you need to think as if she will stop being a part of your life so you can start to make that mental adjustment of her impending absence in your life.

My heart aches for you and your future husband, honey. I hope you communicate your concerns to each other and that you both will stay strong.
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Ditto to EVERYTHING the lovely Ms. Gwen said.

I just wanted to add one thing - PLEASE do NOT let your SO think that your engagement is going to be the catalyst which erases all the problems your family has with him and your decision to chose your life with him. From the sounds of it, the proposal is going to cause a few more unplesantries to arise before the dust can settle (however that may be). I would hate for him to be thinking of the situation as a Superman scenario where he feels proposing is going to be akin to him swooping you out of the burning building while your parents are watching thus leading them to have a change of heart. You need to prepare him for the fact that their opinions are probably not going to be swayed at this point. I also think it is very important that he be aware of what you will be facing. Not to cause him to hold off on proposing but to help him prepare to be there to support you fully.

Out of curiosity, has he tried at all to speak to your parents about his intentions? While I realize this may be difficult for him and would probably have little to no effect on their overall opinion, perhaps at the very least it could instill a pinion of faith in his ability to stand up for your relationship. At the absolute worst it would at least give him an idea of what YOU are facing.

I am sorry that you have to face this issue. However, the important thing to remember is that while it may feel as though you are alone - you are not. This is a decision both you and your SO are making TOGETHER.
 
Look at it from your mom and dads point of view. They''ve been supporting their daughter and putting her through college. You were doing every thing an asian daughter was supposed to do. Then WHAM, you start dating a non-asian slacker (in her opinion), but you''re still living off of them.

I think you can see why your mom thinks she has a right to tell you what to do, and what not to do. You aren''t independent.

If this is really only about his earning power then you should leave your parents home and make your own decisions. However, if there is anything about your guy or the relationship that you aren''t telling us, but that your mom knows, then maybe you should consider that parents often see things clearly. You need to search your heart and decide whether they are just being controlling or if they are trying very hard to keep you from making a big mistake. Is he mature, responsible, making the most of himself (if you aren''t going to be rich you can at least be industrious)? Only you know what''s really going on.
 
I dated a man my parents HATED for 7 years. They hated him so much that my father thought about paying him to leave me. If he rang their house and my father answered he would yell up the stairs "It''s that w****r on the phone for you" without putting his hand over the receiver or anything.

When I reached 20 and we had been dating for 2 years, my parents told me that the day we got engaged would be the day they cut me off without a penny and out of their lives.

They were very direct about why they disliked him - they thought he was a slacker, that he''d never earn enough to support me or a family, that he probably drank too much and was generally a bad thing.

In hindsight, they were 150% correct on everything and if I could go back I would have listened to them and saved myself years of heartache.

Instead, I walked out and didn''t come home for over 2 years - I came back when they asked me to, not because I had to. During that time I supported myself completely and I think they realised that I would make my own decisions/mistakes and was capable of doing so and looking after myself.

I dated a few more nightmares and then DH. My parents adore DH - he''s the first man that any of their 3 daughters have dated that they like, and with good reason!


I agree with Lara and PurrfectPear.

First, be sure that he really is right for you - I spent way too much time defending my ex because my parents hated him so much and to be honest if they hadn''t been so obviously anti I would probably have wised up earlier. So make sure that their dislike isn''t driving you closer together for the wrong reasons.

Secondly, you need to become more independant. If you are still living at home and being supported by your parents, they will not see you as an adult.

Thirdly, getting engaged will not change your parents feelings.
 
Wow!! These are some amazing responses and to tell you the truth, a lot of them are far more intuitive than the advice I''m even getting from close friends. So about my background:

I''m 22 yeasr old (S/O is 25) and I am currently completing my teaching degree. In British Columbia, we do our undergrad degree first and then get a second degree (B.Ed) so I''m in my final year of that. I''ve known that I wanted to be a teacher since I was 7 so even though there are those possibilites that I will not enjoy my job, etc. etc. I really think I will. I''ve been waiting for this FOREVER and it''s finally here. It''s a really big year for me.

As for the implications about my s/o actually not being right for me. I will not deny, we are essentially "two strangers from two different worlds" but we really have done a lot to keep the relationship strong. We''ve worked together through all the ups and downs caused by my parents and I just feel like anyone who would stand by me despite the horrific situations really is something special. He is very kind to me and even in my mother''s fury, she cannot deny that. She has never said he is a bad person, simply that he doesn''t "belong in our echelon of society". He is not "our kind of people". It''s so stupid but my mom has a lot of issues with saving face and looking good in front of her wealthy, dentist/doctor/lawyer friends.

In any case, I know the whole "Superman" complex that s/o is subconsciously creating is no good but I think he also just feels trapped by my parents. He hates that they still put out a curfew for me, that I''m not allowed to see him more than 1-2 times a week, and how they feel they can sometimes still "ground" me which is super embarrassing but true. In the beginning, he told me he was going to ask them for my hand in marriage (this was before we''d been dating for very long, he just said that was the ideal he was brought up with) but after a very humiliating incident in which he asked my father for permission to go on a trip to Mexico with me, I think that is out of the question. It was probably one of the most embarrassing situations I''ve ever been in. Needless to say, we did not end up going on that vacation.

So that''s just a little more background info. It''s not a pretty situation but a lot of my friends seem to think I should just get the heck out of here, live my life as I please, and forget about my mom. This is difficult for me despite everything but I''m getting very close to that point.
 
You''re not alone in this. Be strong and prepare to be honest with yourself.
Do you know, deep in your heart, do you just know that this is the man for you, The One? If so, you have to try to explain this to your parents. And if it doesn''t work, be ready to make a choice. The hardest choice ever-your parents or your man. Because there is no compromising here, no way to make everyone happy.
My hubby''s parents don''t like me and that is the nicest way to put it. I could never completely understand why, since I''m coming from a good family, I''m well educated and now I have a prestigious, well paid job and so does my hubby. Still, they believe that I''m no good for him. We tried to change that, we really wanted to make them see we''re very much in love and happy together. At one point they started insulting me and my family in front of DH and that was it. He left them for good, he stopped calling them, stopped visiting them. I never wanted this for him and I even tried to restore their relaionship but he was unyielding: "If they don''t accept my wife, they don''t accept me".
With time we accomplished an uncertain truce and we visit them a few times a year on bdays and so but that''s all. My family is a different case. They fell in love with DH immediately and they have always been so supportive. We even live with them right now, since our home is still being built.
Point is, some people won''t change and they won''t accept that you are responsible for your own happiness. Others will be your friends and will always be there for you. I sincerely hope your parents will come to their senses, but you have to be prepared for the worse scenario too. Sometimes you have to fight for your "happily ever after" and make sacrifices. Good luck!
 
Date: 9/26/2008 9:25:54 PM
Author:misscuppycake
So I haven''t really had a chance to fully explain my story here but it''s getting close to ''crunch time'' and I could really use some wise advice from everyone here.

Basically, s/o and I have been talking about an engagement in the very near future (he keeps shortening the timeline which is bittersweet as you will soon see). That would normally be great and wonderful, except that my parents have hated my boyfriend from the start. We''ve been dating 3.5 years and if anything, the anger has only intensified. They feel he is not good enough for me because I am more educated and will ultimately be the bigger breadwinner in the family. Both my parents were educated in North America and live in a rather western society, but they have very traditional views that the man should be ''better'' and ''richer''.

In any case, my mother is particularly intense about it. My relationship with her has never been great but it''s been bearable. Ever since I started dating s/o though, things have been seriously strained. She spends hours yelling at me and telling me how disappointed she is with me despite everything I have achieved over the past few years (finishing a university degree and getting a second one now). She has even gone so far as to tell me SHE hated me for dating him. A few weeks ago, she mentioned that the day we get engaged, she will disown me entirely. There will be no promises as to whether she will show up at the wedding or not and she will kick me out (I am currently still living at home and I was waiting until I was finished this final year to move out, hopefully into a marriage if things had gone as planned). She is so furious at the thought of it even happening that I can''t deny my ''engagement dream'' is slowly but surely turning into a nightmare.

I lay awake at night, horrified at the thought that after he pops the question, I will have to come home to yelling, screaming, and turmoil. Then my mom won''t even show up to my wedding.

I''m so very torn about it. My s/o seems to think the proposal will ''rescue me'' from her horrible ways (she does have some issues and we''ve always had some problems) but I just don''t know how to feel. I want to be excited like everybody else, but there''s such a scary aspect to it.

Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone does have ANY words of advice, I would take them. Thank you.
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In addition to what everyone else has said, I''d strongly suggest moving out. Based on what you''ve written, it sounds as though you don''t want to live with your SO before you two are married, so it moving out alone or with a friend an option? You can always try to find a 6-month lease somewhere.

The thought of you returning home after your engagement- which is supposed to be a happy time- to such negativity like you described honestly made me sad for you. Even if your parents dislike your SO, you shouldn''t endure that kind of treatment. Especially because, as you said, he is very kind to you-- it''s not like he''s abusive or anything like that, he just doesn''t live up to your parents (somewhat superficial, IMHO) ideal.

I think moving out could also potentially improve your relationship with your parents. Once you are no longer financially dependent on them, they won''t have as much ''leverage'' to use against you. As a more independent person, you will be on more of an equal playing field in general and maybe they will be able to learn to respect your freedom of choice a bit more. As long as you are living under their roof and relying on them financially, it sounds like they will continue to use that against you.

Though, if I may be nosy: is your SO ambitious with solid career goals in mind? For me, it''s not the money or being a ''professional'' that matters so much as the ambition and drive to do something with one''s life. My SO is in a blue-collar profession but he busts his butt and has a number of plans for the future (I wouldn''t trade him for a doctor/lawyer ANY day and I bet my also protective parents wouldn''t either!).
 
Absolut_blonde, in answer to your question (because I am not very good with the quoting), my s/o admittedly does not have a very luxurious job (he sells cell phones) but I really do believe he works very hard at what he does. He puts in long hours and has applied for a better position just recently. He hopes to some day have a managerial position although this may take some more time. I believe he is doing all he can and if I didn''t, I wouldn''t be with him. I am a very ambitious person myself so I likely couldn''t stay with someone who just sat around all day, not knowing what to do or not caring.

I really DO see my parents'' concerns and I know that for them, it''s a shocker because they have had wealth from the beginning. They have great jobs and their parents both helped them out a lot with THEIR own wealth. It''s been a cycle of wealth and I think my parents can''t understand why there is suddenly this huge "road block" in their plan.

As for moving out, it''s true that I do not believe in living together before marriage and would really like to save that. I''ve talked to my parents about moving out before with a roomate, and as is not surprising, my mom expressed her distaste in that suggestion. I am considering it although I really did want to be able to live at home while finishing this last year off because the tuition bill is through the ROOF. One year is costing me more than my entire undergraduate degree and I''m not even currently working because we were told not to get part time jobs during our practicum. I don''t know though, a lot of people are telling me that moving out might just be the ticket and believe me, I have considered it time and time again. Perhaps this is the last straw and I really am going to have to "bust out of here" even if it means a drain in finances, big time.
 
I''m asian, and my parents were like this with my sister and I. There is still some residue hate directed at my brother-in-law (he''s viet though, so that is a plus). My parents were a little crazy too, when I started to date my fiance. He''s white too, and at the time we started dating he had finished high school and had no intention of going furthur.

In any case, a better catch was definitely *richer and asian* but my parents started to love him 7 years in the relationship when he finished his electrical engineering degree, and landed an incredable job which made him the *richer*. Of course that is totally superficial because he is the same guy he was in the beginning. Of course the perfect guy would be a Vietnamese doctor, but they have calmed down a bit. They feel that a doctor-doctor relationship might be too much. This is part of culture. And it''s a very superficial. But I think if you persist, they will eventually accept him. Trust me. No one is more conservative and crazed them my parents. So you can do it.

Good luck!
 
Actually Ally, he''s not the same guy. Your guy went from being a high school grad with no plans for the future, to a guy who finished college with an Engineering degree. No small feat there. I''d say he''s proved himself as a responsible guy and in that 7 years he showed them he had matured and was SIL material
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PurfectPear,

He is not a different person then he used to be. He worked hard before at his job, and he works hard at his job now. He has the same morals, and the same enjoyment he had of life before. He doesn''t buy or care about things that he didn''t before, and his life still revolves around the same things: family, me, friends, and sports. He''s not even particulary ambitious, but rather takes things as they come. He never goes running after a promotion, or tries to network or gain favors. He never stresses about whether he is going to get a project or even if his boss likes him. He is really one of the most easy going, take it if it comes, and leave it if it doesn''t. He will never let work interfere with his social life, or his enjoyment of sports. He always just tried to do his job well. When he worked as a sales associate, or when he worked in a factory packing boxes, his work ethic, his hobbies, and the people he cared about were the same. I am always stunned at the level of his success, because he has spent so little time chasing it.

The problem is that I feel a lot of asian cultures, put WAY too much emphasis on *what you do for a living* *how much money you make* rather on whether or not this person is a good person, or even if he makes you HAPPY. A husband is NOT a status symbol, although very often parents will discuss it in terms that make it practically as that.

I don''t think because you make a lot of money that makes you a *good* person, or even a *mature* person. And I am all too familiar with all of this yelling, screaming, threatening disownement for the sake of choosing a husband that is *appropriate* in their parents eyes, even if the person is the FURTHEST thing from appropriate for you. I mean humm "Vietnamese doctor...check...he must obviously be completely perfect for you." No matter that he has nothing to say to you, likes to smoke drugs before he goes to work, and thinks we should have an open relationship, because he''s a Vietnamese doctor, so he has to be perfect. I think a lot of asian cultures spend too much time analyzing the bank account and not enough time judging the quality of the person. I can''t remember the last time someone said about a man "Oh he''s a really good person" Instead it''s always "He''s really rich". Although I am very relieved that my parents changed their minds and accept him, I am very cynical about the reasons for their change of heart.
 
Date: 9/27/2008 9:41:06 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Actually Ally, he''s not the same guy. Your guy went from being a high school grad with no plans for the future, to a guy who finished college with an Engineering degree. No small feat there. I''d say he''s proved himself as a responsible guy and in that 7 years he showed them he had matured and was SIL material
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What a load of BS. Since when does a person have to qualify for SIL material. If you truly love and respect your family, then you should support their choice in partner, even if you don''t like it. Human beings shouldn''t have to conform to some kind of mould that fits nicely on the shelf
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Hopefully you''ll feel differently when you are a parent. My future DIL will not have to have a certain profession, a Phd, or come from a certain strata of society. She WILL have to have at least a high school education, either a job or be a student, and have a level of maturity if she wants me to embrace her as a daughter. I''m not having a DIL that has no ambition whatsover, is unemployed and living at home off her parents unless she''s in school.

Thankfully my son would never date a slacker. He probably has higher expectations than I do
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There are consequences in life. If you want to be a total slacker then you shouldn''t expect everyone to embrace you.
 
I AM the breadwinner of my family. I have the higher education. He has a high school diploma.

My mother is very old-fashioned and believes women should be SAHMs while the men work.

But she also understands that I can be with someone that has all the money in the world and still not be happy. It''s not about being well off. It''s about love, communication, respect, and a happy/healthy partnership. It took several years for my FI to show my mother that he was an equal partner and that he could take care of me. And I explained to my mom that while her approval means the world to me, she has had a chance to live her life the way she wanted and its my turn to live mine.

Like I said it took years but she now loves him like a son. She knows he''s a good man and she knows that together we make good decisions for the household.

Instead of your FF talking about proposing and being done with your family, you guys should really sit down with them and talk about what is bothering them. Make him defend himself but in a non-confrontational way. Once you''ve done this and if they still don''t come around, then that''s fine. It''s your turn to live your life how you want to but at least you can always say that you tried.
 
Date: 9/26/2008 9:35:26 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
If my mother was acting like that towards me and didn't care about my happiness, I would beat her to the punch and disown her first.

But that's just me.

You can't live your life being unhappy and if your mom is making you feel that way, the healthiest thing to do is get out of that environment and get out NOW! I wouldn't even wait til the engagement if I were you (unless you don't believe in living together until engaged or married).

Ok I'm done now :)
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Doubtful.. that is your parent.

I know how difficult this is for you..because afterall, that is your mother and she always will be. However, you cannot live your life for anyone else BUT you. So your mother has issues with your FF.. she needs to deal with them. If you have decided that this is the man that you want to marry .. than say yes to the proposal.. and tell your mother that although you love her.. you love him too and you ARE going to marry him.

maybe once you get engaged you can keep it to yourself for a week or too to make sure that she does not spoil your time.

good luck. i know this situation must be SO hard on you both.
 
Oh Misscupcake, what a dilemma you are in. *sigh*

First of all, I am Asian too and more importantly, a mother as well. I understand the culture all too well, as well as the demands and expectations that come with the whole package. I see both your point and your mother''s because, well, I can relate to the 2 of you as a daughter and as a mother.

I understand that you are your own person and that you should be entitled to blaze your own path. I am all for that. However, at such a young age, I am also fearful that you may not be mature enough to know which of the hundred paths that lie in from of you you should take. My own daughter would say that this is her life to live and her mistakes to make. BUT I LOVE HER. And if I can help prevent and spare her the heartache and suffering of such a mistake, I will do everything in my power to spare her. And that likely includes telling her who she can and cannot see. Is that wrong? Not in our culture. Westerners will say that I am meddling and controlling but in my mind, I am guiding her towards a bright future.

And therein lies our conflict. My daughter was born and is being raised here - as American as apple pie. While we (DH and I) were raised to always defer to our parents'' guidance, the American culture has taught her to be independent and to be able to think for herself (admirable qualities, I admit) hence the disconnect.

All I can say is, do not rush into anything right now. Do you really want to be engaged/married, or do you simply want to get out of your mother''s shadow and be free to do whatever you want?

Early this year, after a spat with my daughter (note that she is only 14, and our problems are still of the teenage rebellion type), I told her that for as long as she was living under my roof, eating the food I paid for, and wearing the clothes I bought, she would simply have to abide by my rules. I also said that all I ask in return is that she allow me to give her an education (through college) and the day she graduates from college is the day that she can choose to do whatever she wants without any more meddling for me.

Would it hurt me any less if she ended with some bum who does not have a job? Sure it will. But, if after I send her to college she opts to open a tattoo shop because that is what makes her happy, then I would have done my job as a parent and she, in turn, would have fulfilled her end of the bargain.

Sorry for the long winded post - this issue just struck a chord with me
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That is quite a dilemma...

If this were me, I would tell my mom that I love her and I want her to be a part of my life and she doesn''t have to be best friends with my future husband, but if she loves me then she will at least try to be supportive. I would say I want to be upfront with her...and the reality is that I think my boyfriend is going to be proposing in the near future. I would say that I don''t want the relationship between us to be that both of us are in denial about the engagement, it is going to happen...this is the man I want to marry, and I want to be excited about it but that it is really hard when you know she hates your FF. Tell her that all you are asking of her is to love you and respect you enough to let you make your own decisions while being there for you at the same time. Tell her that though he may not be "as educated as you", the most important thing is that he will treat you right and be a good husband to you. All the finances will work themselves out...

Are you planning on ever asking her for financial help? Because if not, you can say that you and your future husband will work out your own finances and she doesn''t need to worry about that since she will not need to be involved in your financial life.

Your mom loves you and though she may not be happy about the engagement at first, she will be way more likely to come to terms with it an accept it if you are nothing but upfront with her. I wish you the very best of luck with this situation!
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This is some corner that you are backed into, and I really do feel sorry for you. Unfortunately, I do not feel that what your parents are doing is fair to you at all. I am not meaning to disrespect them, but as long as your SO loves you and respects you, is not abusive in anyway and will stand up for you...then what is the problem? So he does not have your parents "ideal" background, nationality or job...that really is not their decision to make. Yes, they are your parents, but you are an adult! I agree with those that said you should move out if at all possible. And I will add that I am a parent. Though my children are still very young, I hope that I will always be able to trust and respect their life decisions.

Good luck to you and your SO.
 
So I just thought I''d give a bit of an update on my situation. Sad to see, s/o and I are starting to have problems now. They''re not all directly related to the family problems but in the end, that''s what it really boils down to. I am very hurt and it certainly stung to hear s/o say that he really wants to re-think the relationship because if we are going to do something as serious as get married, he wants to make sure we can stick it out for the long haul. Needless to say, I am having a very hard time with it and I am truly disappointed that the "dam seems to have exploded" right as we were talking about engagement.

Going through a bit of a rough time here, so thanks for listening.
 
Missy, hang in there. Sorry to hear about the problems you are having.
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I am so sorry to hear this Missy, that is such a shame. I hope everything works out for you and SO. Best wishes.
 
Hey Missy, thank you for sharing your story. I too am from an Asian family, but Southeast Asian to be exact. The criteria here is the same. Often in my culture the emphasis on education is not emphasized as much the idea that the alpha male should be the primary breadwinner; doesn''t matter how he does it, but he needs to be bringing home the bacon!

When I met my fiance I told him, point blank, if my parents don''t like you or if your parents don''t like me, we aren''t going to do this. I know how it is in our (refering to me and FI) culture and it is simply not worth the pain and heartache of going against one''s parents. Their constant disapproval and meddling will seep into the relationship and cause it to deteriorate. As much as I like happy endings and love stories, it seems as though this is turning out to be the case in your situation.

Sometimes, reality stinks but we have to face it. And to be honest, a part of me truly believes that my parents are wiser than I am, and that their good judgment and prayers will bless my marriage.

I would never, ever suggest that someone leave their SO. I have no idea what the dynamics of your relationship are, and this person may truly be your soulmate and other half; he may complete you. But if it were me, and only me, I would choose to look for someone else and would have made that decision before getting serious with my partner. I hope you will not take offense to my blunt response.

ETA: I just re-read what I wrote and yikes! I almost sound brainwashed. But there are certain realities or truths to the societies in which we live. I suppose this is just the stark truth from my perspective.
 
Date: 9/28/2008 8:40:44 PM
Author: allycat0303


The problem is that I feel a lot of asian cultures, put WAY too much emphasis on *what you do for a living* *how much money you make* rather on whether or not this person is a good person, or even if he makes you HAPPY. A husband is NOT a status symbol, although very often parents will discuss it in terms that make it practically as that.
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I think this is exactly why misscuppycake was hesitant to mention that she was Asian in the first place! I am Asian as well and I am also more educated and make more money than my BF. The same goes for my 2 sisters where we all have university degrees that we financed ourselves and two of us have our Master degrees. We are all dating Caucasian men and we have all been in our relationships for 4+ years. The difference is that my parents LOVE all of our boyfriends (mind you, they are all successful and hardworking as well) and more importantly, my parents are proud of me and my sisters because they made a point to raise us as strong, independent and successful women. If we weren''t able to support ourselves and we needed a man to be the primary breadwinner, I think they''d be a little disappointed.

misscuppycake, your situation is really tough and to be perfectly honest, I wouldn''t know what to do if I were in your position! My parents have always been very lenient in terms of the choices I make and the path I take, and the one time they put their two cents in (re: whether I should pursue teacher''s college or my Master Degree), I actually listened because they actually made a point of stating their opinion. With regards to your mother, I agree with other PSers when they ask you to step back and think about why your mother dislikes your SO so much and if you can really see yourself with him forever in the midst of turmoil and tension. First and foremost though, your happiness is key. Don''t give that up at the expense of others...even if it is your mother.
 
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