A rather complex problem

[AdiS]

Date: 10/8/2008 5:25:28 AM
Author: somehowcollide
Hey Missy, thank you for sharing your story. I too am from an Asian family, but Southeast Asian to be exact. The criteria here is the same. Often in my culture the emphasis on education is not emphasized as much the idea that the alpha male should be the primary breadwinner; doesn't matter how he does it, but he needs to be bringing home the bacon!

When I met my fiance I told him, point blank, if my parents don't like you or if your parents don't like me, we aren't going to do this. I know how it is in our (refering to me and FI) culture and it is simply not worth the pain and heartache of going against one's parents. Their constant disapproval and meddling will seep into the relationship and cause it to deteriorate. As much as I like happy endings and love stories, it seems as though this is turning out to be the case in your situation.

Sometimes, reality stinks but we have to face it. And to be honest, a part of me truly believes that my parents are wiser than I am, and that their good judgment and prayers will bless my marriage.

I would never, ever suggest that someone leave their SO. I have no idea what the dynamics of your relationship are, and this person may truly be your soulmate and other half; he may complete you. But if it were me, and only me, I would choose to look for someone else and would have made that decision before getting serious with my partner. I hope you will not take offense to my blunt response.

ETA: I just re-read what I wrote and yikes! I almost sound brainwashed. But there are certain realities or truths to the societies in which we live. I suppose this is just the stark truth from my perspective.

somehowcollide, I really don't mean this to sound as if I am criticizing your right to have a personal opinion. But I have to ask anyway-what could be more worth it than being with the love of your life? Again, this is just my personal way of thinking and my feelings, but I know I'd rather die than letting go of my husband because of someone else's issues with him. I know he feels the same. He'd proven it already. And sometimes we don't have to face reality; we have to fight to change it. OK, maybe I sound a little brainwashed now too. lol

 

[LaraOnline]

Firstly Misscuppycake,
I wanted to say how very sorry I am that you are having troubles seeing a clear road forward with your man at the moment.

That's a horrible experience and, interestingly, it is one that very many of us have been through.
Even girls that have not really been with a man until they were married tell me that they have had VERY intense relationship experiences, that can leave them with a sense of confusion and disillusionment (at the time).

So, you know that broken engagements, half-way there engagements, dreams without end for years on end... such is the stuff that dreams are made of, and when a bride walks down an aisle, you can bet for a FACT that she has had an emotional life above and beyond the immediacy of the relationship that she is currently in!

I found out a couple of days ago that my mother-in-law was ENGAGED to another guy before she met my husband's dad! He dumped her because he 'got' religion, and she wasn't religious enough!
She met up with him at a reunion a couple of years ago... he's not religious any more.

So don't feel bad about this man going a little shaky.

I know you probably feel pulled all around right now, but if he's not the right one for you, he's just not. And it's probably not just about your parents, either. Take it one day at a time, but 'seize the day'! It does no good to moon. I've got a great tale about mooning over dumb lost love, I've posted it before...

My mum never liked my bum boyfriends. She loves my husband. Parents like partners who will actually create a good life with you. Just because a boy is a nice person does not mean he's got the guts or the character to suit you for life. Practical is just as important as romantic, as well, take it from a die-hard romantic.

 

[somehowcollide]

Date: 10/8/2008 9:27:53 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 10/8/2008 5:25:28 AM

Author: somehowcollide

Hey Missy, thank you for sharing your story. I too am from an Asian family, but Southeast Asian to be exact. The criteria here is the same. Often in my culture the emphasis on education is not emphasized as much the idea that the alpha male should be the primary breadwinner; doesn''t matter how he does it, but he needs to be bringing home the bacon!


When I met my fiance I told him, point blank, if my parents don''t like you or if your parents don''t like me, we aren''t going to do this. I know how it is in our (refering to me and FI) culture and it is simply not worth the pain and heartache of going against one''s parents. Their constant disapproval and meddling will seep into the relationship and cause it to deteriorate. As much as I like happy endings and love stories, it seems as though this is turning out to be the case in your situation.


Sometimes, reality stinks but we have to face it. And to be honest, a part of me truly believes that my parents are wiser than I am, and that their good judgment and prayers will bless my marriage.


I would never, ever suggest that someone leave their SO. I have no idea what the dynamics of your relationship are, and this person may truly be your soulmate and other half; he may complete you. But if it were me, and only me, I would choose to look for someone else and would have made that decision before getting serious with my partner. I hope you will not take offense to my blunt response.


ETA: I just re-read what I wrote and yikes! I almost sound brainwashed. But there are certain realities or truths to the societies in which we live. I suppose this is just the stark truth from my perspective.

somehowcollide, I really don''t mean this to sound as if I am criticizing your right to have a personal opinion. But I have to ask anyway-what could be more worth it than being with the love of your life? Again, this is just my personal way of thinking and my feelings, but I know I''d rather die than letting go of my husband because of someone else''s issues with him. I know he feels the same. He''d proven it already. And sometimes we don''t have to face reality; we have to fight to change it. OK, maybe I sound a little brainwashed now too. lol

Adi, you are not criticizing in the least, your response was genuine and polite. Perhaps I am too pragmatic and realistic, but I wouldn''t be happy if I knew that the people closest to me were unhappy. It would be this dark cloud over my relationship, and I just couldn''t bear that. In the same vein, if I met a girl at work who I clicked with very well, but my fiance expressed a sincere disapproval regarding her with valid reasoning, I probably would not try to be friends with her. Perhaps that wasn''t the best example... There is one caveat, and I mentioned it in my previous post. The issues with my future mate would have to be disclosed right in the beginning, likewise, if the relationship were to end that would have to happen early on as well. It gets much more difficult once you become attached to one another. There is no way anyone''s opinion could get me to leave my man now!

(Sorry for the threadjack)

 

[AdiS]

somehowcollide, thank you for your honest answer, I was a little worried that you might feel insulted by my frank question!

Misscuppycake, I''m so sorry that you''re going through this right now! Please bear in mind that when a realtionship is under the pressure caused by such serious issues, people tend to say things they don''t really mean. I hope you guys can sort this out. You have my sincere sympathy and hugs!

 

[Haven]

misscuppycake--I''m so sorry to hear about all the turmoil you''re going through right now. I hope that you and your SO can either patch things up or reach a place where you feel good about moving on.

As for the previous part of this thread, I just want to say I agree with Lara and purrfectpear, and perhaps this is a good time to seriously look at your SO and consider your parents warnings.

Here''s a story: My parents married 30 years ago. My mom''s mother hated my dad. She repeatedly told my mom that he was below her, that he was a slacker, that he was going to be a horrible husband and that my mom was better than him. My mom was young (21) and had just graduated from Northwestern University on a nearly full scholarship. My father was also 21, and hadn''t gone to college at all. My parents first dated when they were 13, and then again for several years before they married. They were in love. My mom ignored her mother, got married, had kids, bought a house, etc. My father has never held on to a serious job for very long. My mother raised us girls nearly alone, always paid for everything, worked multiple jobs and held down a serious full-time career at the same time. She basically spent her entire marriage making excuses for my dad because she loved him and he really appeared to be a kind, well-intentioned albeit misguided man the whole time. Well, three weeks ago my dad left my mom. He had an affair, moved out, and is living in some hotel somewhere. Turns out, he is a slacker, and my mom is better than him.

Now, I am NOT saying that your SO is like my dad, but I am saying that sometimes a mother''s intuition might be worth some consideration. And figuring that out before you do or do not get married could potentially save you years of heartache and a messy, painful divorce.

Good luck, we''re all rooting for you!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/26/2008 10:33:37 PM
Author: misscuppycake
Yeah it is partially a cultural thing. We are Asian although I refrained from saying that because I really don''t like to give the Asian culture a bad name. I know that is not what is COMPLETELY guiding the ''craziness'' of my mom. She has a lot of issues, some anger problems, and we''ve had our share of rough times so it''s culture mixed with the my-way-or-the-highway mentality. It''s been a really rough ride but I truly appreciate all the support I have gotten from you guys thus far. I really think this is something I''m just going to have to fight through and it''s great to know people are standing by me in the process.

My boyfriend is also white, this poses a slight problem as well but the breadwinner issue is the most outstanding problem.

Me: Asian, has a degree, breadwinner.
Him: White (Australian), no degree, when I met him didn''t make much (he has advanced tremedously in the 3 years he''s been in the US).

My (lighthearted and joking) advice: Wait 10 years until you are 32 to get married. Your parents will be DESPERATE to marry off their "spinster" daughter and will love ANYONE.

I am kidding, of course...but have found this to be somewhat true with single asian gals over 30 and their parents. My own mother wanted me to marry a Korean when I was 23 and it was tough telling her back then I was dating a white guy. I got married at 33 to a different white guy and I think my mom was seriously relieved. Fortunately, she never pressured me about anything...she''s a class act that way.

 

[misscuppycake]

Sadly we couldn''t get through. We ended it a few nights ago.

 

[ladypirate]

*Hugs*

I''m so sorry.

 

[LaraOnline]

Don''t worry sweetheart. Better for him to fade now, than to not measure up later.

Honestly, the ''also rans'' in my *past life* really were not the best for me (in a big way), although it took me a long time to come to terms with that.
You''ve got about a decade to find a great bloke... don''t panic just yet, ''kay?
And perhaps like TG says, your mum will learn to relax a little as well.
Most important thing: Get stuck into life!

 

[CharmyPoo]

I sympathize with you and really there is no right answer here that anyone can give you. I think there are three perspectives here.

View 1 - Your parents know something you don't (ie. He is not right for you)
My parents disliked all of my boyfriends in the past including one I dated for 5 years. Back then, I didn't see eye to eye with them and thought they didn't know what they were talking about. Now, I know they were absolutely right. They saw the writing on the wall and I didn't. In fact, my parents were right about so many things but I just had to find out my own way.
View 2 - Your parents can't see what you see (ie. They are to selfish to be happy for you)
With my current boyfriend, my parents didn't always like him. My parents live in Asia and are surrounded by wealthy friends similar to you. My sisters and I lived in Canada since we were 8. Anyways, my parents felt he wasn't ambitious enough, good enough with people .. in short, they thought I could do better. The difference is that my parents would never disown me - they will tell me what they think yet support me to make my own decisions. My parents now accept him as a son. She said to me .. "I will learn to love him because I can see how much he loves you and that is all that matters". My boyfriend's parents didn't like before either - they felt I wasn't "house wifely" enough and I was spoiled. Yet, they took a similar view as my parents - "if my son loves her so much, we will make an effort to get to know her better and love her too". We all get along wonderfully now.
View 3 - Do you actually agree with your parents (ie. You don't think he is right for you)
This one is a very personal decision. Do you care that you will be making more money than him? Is who he is enough for you or do you want a doctor/lawyer inside? Think about these questions without taking into consideration the hardship your parents have added to your life.

To be honest, I am the breadwinner but my boyfriend holds his own and is smart and hardworking. His contributions to our family in something that means so much more and something I can't put a monetary figure on. He looks after me and all the dogs that he never wanted. I have spoken to several women and these thoughts are not unique. Many women go through these same decisions and many ultimately decide that they don't care about the money. I don't want to generalize but I have noticed that men are comfortable with looking after women and paying for everything. Women on the other hand are less comfortable with looking after their men financially.

A doctor or lawyer may not love you more than a salesperson will. At the end, all the money in the world isn't going to buy you love. I think money can bring happiness (I do get happy with a new purse or a new piece of jewelry) but that is not the same thing as love. My family has always raised us to be independent - we need to do well enough to be able to look after ourselves financially.

ETA: I just read all the posts. I am sorry to hear that it is over. You are still young! People are getting married much later these days .. there will be the right person!

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m so sorry to hear that.

((((Hugs)))))

 

[CharmyPoo]

Haven - I read your story. Your mom sounds like a wonderful and strong person.

 

[ash313]

So sorry, sweetie

Sending love and hugs your way...

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/9/2008 11:08:20 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
Haven - I read your story. Your mom sounds like a wonderful and strong person.

Thank you, Charmypoo, she is wonderful.

Misscuppycake--I''m so sorry. Here''s to bigger and better things! I hope your girlfriends do for you what we do for each other whenever bad things happen--show up on your doorstep with a tub filled with candy, ice cream, and microwave popcorn, and all your favorite DVDs. Gets rid of the blues every time.

Good luck. And stick around, please. We want to see what great things happen in your life next.

 

[blondebunny]

All I can say is I feel for your SO... My brother was in this position... he didnt go to college but had his own successful business, but his GF''s parents never liked him because they felt he wasnt good enough for their daughter just because he didnt have a college degree... My brother easily could have gotten one, was very smart, but was an entrepreneur and had his own visions and it wasnt to go to school.... It caused a lot of problems in my brothers life, and the ultimate break up of him and his GF.. and her thinking he wasnt good enough because her parents brainwashed her, and actually he was trying to go back to school so her parents would approve of him because he loved her THAT much... but he actually killed himself the day before he was supposed to sign up for class... and I do believe that a tiny part of what depressed him was her parents making him feel less of a person because he chose not to go to college.. although Im saying this is a very extreme case, and was only a very TINY part... Im sure it might(?) be getting to your SO for your parents to constantly think he isnt good enough for you...

Maybe you could show your parents how him being a part of your life helps to compliment you, and make YOU a better person. I mean it doesnt seem like he held you back from anything, like getting your degree and getting another one, maybe you could show them that he was a very big part of finishing and doing well in school, and he helps keep you focused...

What exactly do they think that makes them think he isnt good enough for you?? Is it because he doesnt have an education?? If so, Im pretty sure Bill Gates droppped out of college.. and look how successful he is (I dunno if he did... but im pretty sure it was him or some other really successful person)...

Okay well goodluck and Im sure its a hard time for you...