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A word of warning
- Thread starter CatLady
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NewEnglandLady
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2007
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- 6,299
Catlady, you are hilarious and I have no doubt you are going to be JUST fine!
Just a little story to remind you that marrying a commitmentphobe is SO MUCH worse than breaking up with one:
When I left my DH (then boyfriend) because of his fear of marriage I joined a group of women going through the same thing. There were two women who''d left their relationships and their boyfriends came back and proposed. Neither guy was ready for marriage, they were both just doing the bare minimum to stay in the relationship (and the women had upped the ante). They both had a MISERABLE time planning their weddings--the husbands weren''t involved, they got into huge fights, but both women had their eye on the prize so to speak, and that prize was declaring victory over their commitmentphobe partners by getting married against their better judgement.
Both are now getting divorced after several years of misery. One woman was older (second marriage) and her husband absolutely refused to sell his house and move in with her after the wedding. She had a daughter and didn''t want to move school districts. He told her that he wanted to get into local politics and couldn''t move districts. When her daughter did graduate, he still refused to let her move in and she discovered that he''d been buying cars and other expensive purchases behind her back. She became so upset that she decided to pawn her engagement ring and found out it was fake. When she confronted him, he told her he didn''t want to spend money on something he didn''t think would last (they did break off the engagement twice--once the DAY before the wedding). She became so bitter that she decided to start having several plastic surgeries (the only thing she claims he would pay for) so that when she divorced him, she''d be "ready" for a real man. Pure craziness that all could have been avoided if she''d just realized that he would NEVER be a real partner!
The other woman was in her mid-thirties and wanted to start a family right away. I hate to say it, but I think one of the reasons she held onto the bad relationship was because she didn''t want to "start over". She moved out of their apartment three times and kept coming back when he''d throw her some crumbs. He did finally propose, but she planned the wedding 100% by herself. After they were married she sold her condo and moved into his apartment until they could find a condo of their own. That''s when the problems really started. He dragged his feet about buying a place because he still had the same commitment fears. Then he freaked out about having kids. She was hoping he''d come around the way he did with marriage, but he didn''t. She ended up filing for divorce and has accepted that she probably won''t have kids at this point because she was desperately holding onto a bad relationship.
As everybody else has said, 29 is still very young! Heck, most of my friends didn''t meet their husband until they were 29 or older (and many are now pregnant or have kids). You absolutely did THE BEST thing you could have. Hanging onto that relationship would have been a complete waste of your life and time.
Just a little story to remind you that marrying a commitmentphobe is SO MUCH worse than breaking up with one:
When I left my DH (then boyfriend) because of his fear of marriage I joined a group of women going through the same thing. There were two women who''d left their relationships and their boyfriends came back and proposed. Neither guy was ready for marriage, they were both just doing the bare minimum to stay in the relationship (and the women had upped the ante). They both had a MISERABLE time planning their weddings--the husbands weren''t involved, they got into huge fights, but both women had their eye on the prize so to speak, and that prize was declaring victory over their commitmentphobe partners by getting married against their better judgement.
Both are now getting divorced after several years of misery. One woman was older (second marriage) and her husband absolutely refused to sell his house and move in with her after the wedding. She had a daughter and didn''t want to move school districts. He told her that he wanted to get into local politics and couldn''t move districts. When her daughter did graduate, he still refused to let her move in and she discovered that he''d been buying cars and other expensive purchases behind her back. She became so upset that she decided to pawn her engagement ring and found out it was fake. When she confronted him, he told her he didn''t want to spend money on something he didn''t think would last (they did break off the engagement twice--once the DAY before the wedding). She became so bitter that she decided to start having several plastic surgeries (the only thing she claims he would pay for) so that when she divorced him, she''d be "ready" for a real man. Pure craziness that all could have been avoided if she''d just realized that he would NEVER be a real partner!
The other woman was in her mid-thirties and wanted to start a family right away. I hate to say it, but I think one of the reasons she held onto the bad relationship was because she didn''t want to "start over". She moved out of their apartment three times and kept coming back when he''d throw her some crumbs. He did finally propose, but she planned the wedding 100% by herself. After they were married she sold her condo and moved into his apartment until they could find a condo of their own. That''s when the problems really started. He dragged his feet about buying a place because he still had the same commitment fears. Then he freaked out about having kids. She was hoping he''d come around the way he did with marriage, but he didn''t. She ended up filing for divorce and has accepted that she probably won''t have kids at this point because she was desperately holding onto a bad relationship.
As everybody else has said, 29 is still very young! Heck, most of my friends didn''t meet their husband until they were 29 or older (and many are now pregnant or have kids). You absolutely did THE BEST thing you could have. Hanging onto that relationship would have been a complete waste of your life and time.
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2008
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29 and you think you''re a dinosaur??? SHEEZE, I must be a FOSSILE!
I read both of your posts, and good for you! You sound much happier.
I have to let you in on a little secret...I''m 40 (how the hell did THAT happen???
). Life just starts getting really good at the end of your 30''s, and the sex at 40 is FANTASTIC!!! You''ve got a LOT to look forward to, ladies. The toys are better the older you get, etc., but most importantly, you learn what is really important to you. By the time you reach my age, you''ll be so comfortable in your own skin and really know who you are and what (and whom) you want in your life, that you won''t give a crap about what anyone else thinks. Oh, and you can see through the BS much better too.
I wish you and the other LIW''s the best of luck. (((HUGS!)))
I read both of your posts, and good for you! You sound much happier.
I wish you and the other LIW''s the best of luck. (((HUGS!)))
EllaMarie
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2009
- Messages
- 36
If you have to convice someone to do anything then it''s just not the right thing to do. I know because I''ve been there. Before I was with my current fiance I was married to someone (several years ago) who showed the same signs and I ignored them and happily went on my way... I don''t know, I guess these types of men want you to stick around but they don''t really want you. He ended up leaving me for another girl. Good riddence!
If nothing else, at least you didn''t marry him. Imagine how crappy it would be to have to get divorced.
I hope you find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I''m also sorry about your best friend. That''s pretty low.
Take care,
Ella
If nothing else, at least you didn''t marry him. Imagine how crappy it would be to have to get divorced.
I hope you find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I''m also sorry about your best friend. That''s pretty low.
Take care,
Ella
Catlady, you rule.
Honey, my Mr. Wrong didn''t stop jerking me around until I was 32! So you are NO dino!! (Though I didn''t have a hot boy to ease the transition, so--good on you there, Missy.)
Keep the franzia on ice and keep it up. I''m finally getting married at almost 36. You are going to be JUST fine. I think you''re fabulous. Come up with some very gracious, quippy way to answer those who think they''re in his court to make it clear exactly who''s in the right here, if you feel like it. Or don''t even dignify it.
You are SO much better off. Better at 29 than in ten years with kids and way more stuff to divide up. Single and Fabulous (no question mark.)
ETA: NewEnglandLady, "The other woman was in her mid-thirties and wanted to start a family right away. I hate to say it, but I think one of the reasons she held onto the bad relationship was because she didn''t want to "start over". "
That''s like, EXACTLY why I think I stayed with my ex for so long. I was with him from 22-32. I was terrified of starting over. It just seemed absolutely impossible that I could ever get to that place with a new person, telling all your stories, the shared history, the shorthand, the symbiosis (read: codependence!!). God, I had NO idea. SO much better off.
Catlady, YOU will be too, babe. Watch out, world.
Honey, my Mr. Wrong didn''t stop jerking me around until I was 32! So you are NO dino!! (Though I didn''t have a hot boy to ease the transition, so--good on you there, Missy.)
Keep the franzia on ice and keep it up. I''m finally getting married at almost 36. You are going to be JUST fine. I think you''re fabulous. Come up with some very gracious, quippy way to answer those who think they''re in his court to make it clear exactly who''s in the right here, if you feel like it. Or don''t even dignify it.
You are SO much better off. Better at 29 than in ten years with kids and way more stuff to divide up. Single and Fabulous (no question mark.)
ETA: NewEnglandLady, "The other woman was in her mid-thirties and wanted to start a family right away. I hate to say it, but I think one of the reasons she held onto the bad relationship was because she didn''t want to "start over". "
That''s like, EXACTLY why I think I stayed with my ex for so long. I was with him from 22-32. I was terrified of starting over. It just seemed absolutely impossible that I could ever get to that place with a new person, telling all your stories, the shared history, the shorthand, the symbiosis (read: codependence!!). God, I had NO idea. SO much better off.
Catlady, YOU will be too, babe. Watch out, world.
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2005
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- 19,491
Another ditto on the 29 does not equal dinosaur! Consider yourself young, in charge of your own destiny, and strong enough to free yourself now rather than later.
I''m 32. Engaged at 25, married at 26, separated at 30...divorced at 32. No children, fortunately, that made things infinitely easier, but even if there had been children I think we''d have all been better off not keeping up appearances. I digress. At 32 I am more sure of myself, more in tune with ME, happier in general and confident! I was very afraid to start over. I did not think divorce was an option, didn''t want to admit defeat, didn''t want to upset my family and friends, etc. But you know what? I made it through a very difficult decision and lived to tell about it, and came out stronger. You will too, Catlady. We are stronger than we know. And...Amen for a box ''o'' wine! Hilarious!
I''m 32. Engaged at 25, married at 26, separated at 30...divorced at 32. No children, fortunately, that made things infinitely easier, but even if there had been children I think we''d have all been better off not keeping up appearances. I digress. At 32 I am more sure of myself, more in tune with ME, happier in general and confident! I was very afraid to start over. I did not think divorce was an option, didn''t want to admit defeat, didn''t want to upset my family and friends, etc. But you know what? I made it through a very difficult decision and lived to tell about it, and came out stronger. You will too, Catlady. We are stronger than we know. And...Amen for a box ''o'' wine! Hilarious!
trillionaire
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2008
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- 3,881
trillionaire
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2008
- Messages
- 3,881
I just want to second the importance of ''seeing the signs'' when you are in a relationship... for all you LIW''s out there.
I know someone who also didn''t tell his family when he proposed. His family found out on Facebook as well, and it took him a week to tell the rest of them... via email. Because he knew they wouldn''t like the decision. A year and a half later, they are separated. There is a lot more to their story, but suffice to say, when a man can''t declare his intentions to the most important people in his life, there is both a reason, and a problem.
I know someone who also didn''t tell his family when he proposed. His family found out on Facebook as well, and it took him a week to tell the rest of them... via email. Because he knew they wouldn''t like the decision. A year and a half later, they are separated. There is a lot more to their story, but suffice to say, when a man can''t declare his intentions to the most important people in his life, there is both a reason, and a problem.
- Joined
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- 26,546
HI:Date: 3/10/2010 11:35:14 AM
Author: ksinger
Now THAT would be just beyond kinky...Date: 3/10/2010 10:47:31 AM
Author: canuk-gal
HI:
Boning?Isn''t that something you do with a chicken?
cheers--Sharon
One of my husband''s favorites: ''Erotic uses a feather, kinky uses the whole chicken.''
Ahha! I was thinking of DE-boning!
At any rate, CL sounds like a hoot and I have no doubt things will just get better from here.
cheers--Sharon
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2005
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- 13,375
I am so sorry for his BS...but I have to give you kudos for making me literally LMFAO! I loved your story and I think it drives a valid point home to all these women waiting around for guys dragging their feet. Good for you for boning that guy! Good for you for moving on with your life! You are a better woman for doing it! Thank you for your honesty! It''s refreshing! I''m sorry I can''t control my exclamation points! I''ll look for you on Hoarders as that''s my favorite show, and if I know it''s you, I''ll come rescue you myself! I have my own home I refuse to sell as that''s a part of my own independence even though I''m not living there, I''m living w/ my FF and he''s cool with that deal I made with him.
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