Adoption Thread

[canuk-gal]

HI:

This thread continues to be my favorite--thanks for those who share here!

cheers--Shaorn

 

[onedrop]

IG: Avery is such a gorgeous baby! Congratulations to you and DH on getting the adoption finalized. I really hope that D will at some point be at peace with her decision, I really do feel for her being so young and dealing with all of the feelings that she must be experiencing. You have been really wonderful to her through this.

Bella: Thanks to you for updates on B. He seems to be such a great kid! My thoughts and prayers go out to you, DH, and B in trying to deal with the loss he experienced in Ethiopia. It's so wonderful to have resources out there to help kids in his situation.

I thank both IG and Bella for being so generous in sharing Avery and B with us PSers and also sharing their adoption experiences in this forum. It's been a real blessing for all of us participating in this thread to read your stories. I know it's not always easy to share such personal details, so I really appreciate what you both have done. Thanks so much!!!! I look forward to reading more updates as you choose to post them!

 

[AGBF]

Wow, IG! Avery just gets more and more beautiful! I am so sorry about the problems with D. I had no idea (obviously) that they were going on! I am glad you are treating her with compassion and also glad that her mother sees the big picture and that she is receiving help. My own daughter just had two psychiatric hospitalizations within the past month and a couple of the young women hospitalized with her (I got to know them because it was set up like a college dorm!) were there for post-partum depression. Neither was a teenage mother, either! One, however, had twins. A new baby (as you know) is a huge burden! D has no idea what she would have gotten herself into; all she has is a fantasy.

Avery, of course, must come first. She is your daughter and has formed bonds of love with you. Obviously she cannot be given back to her biological mother, no matter how sensitive to D's supposed needs you want to be! You have a hard balancing act. Luckily, you have enormous grace under pressure and are the ultimate lady. You will find the right path!

Kiss Avery for me!!!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[AGBF]

Hello, all. I'm new to PS, and have just recently started looking a bit at the areas outside of the sparkle zone. This thread caught my eye, and although I'm not sure I really belong in here,

Oh, kefira, be sure you belong here! You are so very much one of us! How could you doubt it? You are at the heart and soul of an adoption! Thank you for sharing and please, please stay around!!!

Hugs and love,
Deb/AGBF

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thanks so much for everyone's affirmations. parenting is tough, and figuring out how to deal with the complex issues around adoption (loss, birth families, birth cultures, extended family, etc.) is even more complicated!

We had a great day today and, despite all the questions I come on here with, I cna't emphasize enough how resilient, loving, smart, funny, and amazing my son is We are so blessed! We're going to see a highly recommended attachment therapist this week just for a check-up/check-in to see if we're on the right track and get any suggestions she may have.

In the meantime, here's B rockin his fave sunglasses, hat, and fleece by the Hudson today:

 

[hay joe]

Bella, IG and others, I often think about how lucky your children are. Thank you for helping the truly needy.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Aww Bella! He is so adorable! Hope all is going well with his adjustment!

Hope new people in who are in the process of adopting or who have adopted will join this thread!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IG_hope that all is well, please post an update when you can!

Orbaya hope that your adoption is progressing.

AFM-We are still completely and totally head over heels in love with B (though some days can be hard for all of us, most of the time he is total joy!) DH isn't sure if he wants to or is ready to start another adoption (I very much want to!) but he's agreed to go to an info session in June... babysteps towards our next child

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Bella, congrats on gearing up for your next round of adoption! That's terrific! Will it be another Ethiopian adoption? Best of luck!

Things here are quiet, but busy. My husband and I have the same birthday (along with my sister, obviously, as my twin), so we've been busy celebrating our birthdays at the end of March, my son's in mid-April, and my daughter's is tomorrow. We continue to write to her birth parents through the agency, but have yet to be informed they've looked at her file

The one thing I'm starting to grapple with is how/what/if we share any of DD's history with DS. Obviously she has the right to know first, but what right, if any, does a sibling have?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Hi Logan!

We would love to adopt another Ethiopian child but there are a lot of ethical issues currently going on so we'd only feel comfortable doing what we did with B, adopting a waiting child whose paperwork was already complete. It doesn't seem that there are many "waiting kids" younger than B right now and DH isn't open to adopting a child older than B, which I can understand. So, I would say that Ethiopia and other African countries are places that we are trying to be very proactive in child sponsorship, family reunification, and care for orphans and vulnerable families, but unless a situation obviously presents itself I don't think that our next adoption will be from there (now in a few years that might be a whole other story! )

We are going to an info session on domestic adoption particularly for AA, hispanic, and biracial families (of course I told DH I couldn't go by my super white self ) and we're trying to learn more about fostercare adoption (not foster to adopt, but straight up adoption of legally free children) as well as infant adoption. We're also trying to figure out what level of known drug/alcohol exposure we would be comfortable with, particularly taking into consideration the impact that decision will have on B's life...it's a really different process and set of considerations than our Ethiopian adoption, so it feels like we are starting from scratch again...

I'm interested to hear your thoughts/journey on figuring out what to share of DDs story with DS. We'll be there at some point in the future (DH wants more kids definitely, his question is just when and how they join our family, not if. I feel like siblings will probably learn all of each other's stories but am not sure how or when. Glad you get to blaze that trail before me

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I personally think you tell the child when they are young about their adoption and the other children are told as well and they all just all grow up knowing the stories. I think when it is sort of kept quiet like it is a secret it can become a big deal. I just think you give as much information as needed but not more than the child would be comfortable knowing. I embellish a little because I have no idea of the specific details of my child's story, but I have always said that her parents loved her so much that they made sure she was left in a safe place where she would be found and eventually matched with a new family since they could not keep her. And truly, she is such a sweet child, that I believe it must be true.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

DS, my mom always said the same thing about us too! We also grew up not knowing the circumstances behind our adoption (turns out, they are a little different than what we'd imagined).

Don't get me wrong- DD knows she was adopted and DS hears us talking about it, reading adoption books, etc. I meant more how you tell your other kids the difficult circumstances about their sibling's adoption story. I believe DD's story is her own to tell/that she will hear about how and why she was placed for adoption from us and no one else, and that she should have the choice whether she wants to share those details with anyone else. But does that include her brother as well? Do we have a right to share her story with her brother or should that ONLY come from her? Does that make sense? Am I overthinking this? I'm just worried b/c she has a difficult story (not the typical Korean story of young unmarried woman) and one day when we give her the paperwork, she will read hurtful things about her parents and how she came to be.

 

[tammy77]

bumping for vinjewels

 

[vinjewels]

Sorry for the interruption/late join...I will be reading/doing some research as my SO and I are in the beginning stages of talking about the possibility of adoption. Thanks again Tammy77 for telling me about this thread. It will be a great help!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Hello everyone!

I know, I know, long time no post. I'm such a bad PS'er. In reality, I've shyed away from posting much online at all because of how things were going with D. I went completely offline, deleted my FB account, and I just went into a private protective mode, if that makes sense.

Anyway, things seem to be going better for her. She is seeing a therapist, the constant communication has stopped, and things are, dare I say, good! We don't talk often anymore but who knows if that will change once she gets into a better place. Her mom did say that she is doing much much better which makes me happy...I want her to be well.

Avery is doing so well! We are just amazed by how much we love our little girl! She charms people everywhere we go and is really such a happy baby. She even suffered through an ear infection without any sort of fussiness. The only way I knew something was wrong was because she stopped eating and was tugging at her ear. She is up on her hands and knees, rocking back and forth, showing an interest in food, and sits up on her own unassisted. She will be 6 months in a couple weeks and is such a joy! I don't even remember life without her.

Now that I feel more comfortable being online, I'll be more active in posting. Off to read and catch up...but first, a recent pic of my beautiful girl.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Bella - B is absolutely adorable. What a handsome guy! I admire you and your DH because despite the few obstacles to overcome in your and B's future and you're ready to jump back in and do it all over again! Wow, my hat is off to you! It's easy to see how in love with B you both are. I can't wait to hear what route you decide to go next. How did the therapy go?

Logan - I, too, think that your DS will eventually know the story of your DD's history and probably from her. I agree that generally, it shouldn't be too secretive but maybe the nitty gritty details should come from your DD when she's ready to share them with him.

Deb - Hi!! How are you lady? Thanks for your kind words. How is your daughter doing?

Diamondseeker - How are you doing? I also hope others who are in the adoption process or thinking about it will join in!

Vinjewels - I read your other thread inquiring about adoption. I encourage you to read this thread when you have the time. It really is filled with great information, encouragement, highs, as well as some lows. It's all part of the process and it helps to hear from others who have been there. I can't wait to hear what you decide!

Kefira - thank you for sharing your story. It's so nice to hear from the other perspective and your story is very important! I'm so glad that the experience was a positive one for you. Do you have any contact with A or his family?

To Onedrop, Hay Joe, Sharon, PetitePoire, puppmom, LC, JGator, and Clairtek - thank you so much! I appreciate the support and the well wishes!

Gosh, I've missed you guys and I can't wait to hear about others who are travelling this journey.

ETA - I just noticed I can't see my photo from my previous post. Can anyone else see it?

 

[bubbly1126]

IG, I am not able to see it.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Attempting to upload a photo again. Grrrrr, I have no idea why PS won't let me upload! I can see it just fine when I preview...

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IG-So happy to "see" you here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! welcome back!!!!!!!!!!

I think that PS is having some overall photo issues judging from some other threads, but I can't wait to see precious Avery!!!! She must be so big!

Yeah, we are head over heels in love with B and I would be totally done with a second adoption already if it wasn't for my methodical, slower paced DH The attachment therapy was helpful, really just a validation that we were doing all the "right" things, that he was doing great, and that all the stuff we had read in books and implemented was very helpful and effective.

The info session on domestic adoption was helpful. We like the agency and they have a lot of services for expectant parents, including options counseling (almost 60% of people who have the counseling do not choose adoption) and interim care so that the child typically doesn't go home with their adoptive families until the paperwork is done and parental rights are terminated, as well as post-placement counseling for birth parents and all of it is free of charge to them. DH and I came up with parameters that we both felt pretty comfortable with (as I outlined in the other thread) and we would both very much like to adopt from Ethiopia again, but the bottom line is that DH really feels like he wants to try getting pregnant again and time is not on our side in that department (I am almost 34 and he is almost 36 and we tried for 2 years previously with no success--3 years really if you count the past year, but since we are still co-seeping, um, that doesn't really count . I am on the fence but am willing to try. So, I'm currently researching chinese medicine and non invasive fertility boosters that we both feel comfortable with.

I would prefer to adopt, and am certain we'll adopt at least one more time in the future, but for the next 6 months we are going to give TTC a whirl. In the meantime, I am getting our ducks in a row so we could start another adoption as soon as DH is on board (I am not thrilled with the idea of doing all that paperwork again, but once you start it's like--ok, here's what we have to do, let's start plowing through )

Either way, B will always be our baby, but we can't wait for him to be a big brother too!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IG_she is GORGEOUS!!!!

and just to keep it real...we are all fine, but today was a rough, rough day.

Combine a naturally bossy/stubborn kid, with regular 3 year old obnoxiousness, and the fact that we are just one week away from the day B joined our family (there's a lot of research demonstrating that kids have a conscious and/or subconscious memory of major changes and traumas resulting in emotional challenges and acting out around "trauma-versaries")...and you get a day filled with several mini meltdowns and one epic, hourlong, hatefilled screamfest, and a mama who was about 5 minutes from joining in.

(DH was sleeping b/c he worked the night shift last night, had been up for almost 40 hours, and had a really intense shift last night...somehow he slept through the whole thing ).

Parenting is hard work no matter how your child joins your family, but adoptive families definitely have an added element of complexity.

 

[lliang_chi]

IG, OMG, look at your gorgeous daughter!!! She's getting so big! I can't believe she's sitting all by herself and nearly eating "real food." I'm glad T is doing better and is getting to a better place. You and your DH are such wonderful people to have room in your heart for everyone. Avery is truly blessed to have you as a loving mother.

Bella, HUGS re: the screamfest. I hope B's anniversary will become a happy anniversary he'll remember. I can see how such a big transition would be hard on little tykes that don't have the capacity to process everything like us adults can. Are you guys doing anything to celebrate with B? Do you guys call him Samuel or B? I remember you said that Samuel was the western name you gave him.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

IG!!! Oh, my, Avery is just a DOLL! I know you must be having the best time!

Bella...very exciting that you are working on a sibling for B! I hope things go well no matter which path you take!

Logan...wow, sorry for the very delayed reply. That definitely is different when there are uncomfortable/bad/traumatic events involved in an adopted child's story. I think my personal feeling is to give the minimal amount of information necessary and not go into complete detail if the information would be too troubling for the child (and certainly some information might not be appropriate for a child to know until they are older, if ever). This is the one reason I am really glad I do not know details about our daughter's birth parents. We can just speculate and make the story a best case scenario.

 

[Skippy123]

IG, how are you all doing? awww beautiful little one

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Wow, no updates in almost a year! Any news anyone?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Our update is that B is 4 (will turn 5 this fall), is amazing, and we feel so blessed to be his parents.

We were considering starting another adoption in 2014 (either domestic adoption or Ethiopian waiting child adoption) but I got a surprise BFP so if all goes well, B will be a big brother in February! We hope to adopt again in the future, but I think that it won't be for a few years now.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Praying that all goes extremely well, Bella!!! Babies are such a blessing no matter how they arrive! Thankful to hear B is doing so well, too!

 

[lliang_chi]

Oh my Bella, I can't believe B is going to be 4 already! What a joy and he sounds absolutely adorable with the new Baby Roo

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Our update is that B is 4 (will turn 5 this fall), is amazing, and we feel so blessed to be his parents.

We were considering starting another adoption in 2014 (either domestic adoption or Ethiopian waiting child adoption) but I got a surprise BFP so if all goes well, B will be a big brother in February! We hope to adopt again in the future, but I think that it won't be for a few years now.

Congrats on your pregnancy! I hope you are feeling and doing well. Can you believe B will be 5? Is that old enough to go to kindergarten in the fall?

My daughter turned 5 in May and we're gearing up for a big transition to kindergarten. I am thinking of enrolling her in Korean language classes in the fall too, with her best friend who's also Korean, but not an adoptee. I might take some too! We can learn together.

It's been interesting to follow the massive changes in Korean adoptions recently, and I have to confess I'm so glad we adopted before all the changes.

 

[BrightSpot]

Huge congrats to all of the adoptive families. What beautiful little ones!

I have a question for you ladies. My DH & I have been TTC for almost 3 years & just had an unsuccessful IVF. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately & am pretty ready to move on to the next step to try to build our family but I haven't done any research about adoption, just opened my mind & heart to the possibility.

Now a little back story. My mom's best friend K raised her granddaughter A after the girl's father died (& mother left). A had a teenage pregnancy several years back & my mom's friend now raises this daughter (her great granddaughter) as well. A had become pregnant again & they seem to want to give the child up for adoption. They decided on a family but it just fell through because the family didn't want an open adoption.

I just found out about all of this & am considering asking my mom if DH & I could be potential adoptive parents for this child. I'm very excited at thr prospect but don't know if it's a real possibility or not. I have no idea what to ask or what an adoption looks like though. If anyone could offer any guidance or things to consider I'd be most appreciative.
DH & I live in NYC & A lives in Oklahoma.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Domestic is a lot different than international. I think the greatest risk with domestic is the birthmother changing her mind after the baby is born. I have seen it happen a lot and it is pretty devastating. You have to check on the laws in OK to know what would be involved in adopting out of state. But with an open adoption, I think the distance would be good from your standpoint, if they'd allow it.