Advice for being a guest at a Catholic wedding?

[LilyKat]

Hi everyone,

So my boyfriend is taking me to his schoolfriend''s wedding this weekend. It''s going to be a full Catholic service, and as I''m not Catholic, I don''t have much idea of what to expect. I wonder if anyone here is having one or has been to one, and could give me some do''s and don''t''s on being a guest at one? Including what to wear...

Really excited as I''m going to be meeting his family and friends formally for the first time - never thought things were going to progress this quickly!

 

[ozsparkle]

Dont worry too much you will be fine, and surely wont be the only one new to a catholic service. The priest and the readers will speak and there will be many call and responses that you will hear from the congregation, but its totally fine for you to not chime in. Often if the bride and groom have included an order of service, the response will be printed so you can follow that. Just follow everyone else if they sit or stand, (as catholic services tend to have everyone getting up and down during it) and just go with the flow and enjoy it. Wear appropriate clothing as you would normally at a wedding. Hope this makes sense.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/18/2009 8:38:13 AM
Author: ozsparkle
Dont worry too much you will be fine, and surely wont be the only one new to a catholic service. The priest and the readers will speak and there will be many call and responses that you will hear from the congregation, but its totally fine for you to not chime in. Often if the bride and groom have included an order of service, the response will be printed so you can follow that. Just follow everyone else if they sit or stand, (as catholic services tend to have everyone getting up and down during it) and just go with the flow and enjoy it. Wear appropriate clothing as you would normally at a wedding. Hope this makes sense.

Just want to add, cover your shoulders in the church (technically your shoulders, knees, and head should be covered). Also, just stay in your seat when people go up for communion. Other than that, just follow along. Sit, stand and kneel when everyone else does and don''t fall asleep.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/18/2009 8:42:54 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Sit, stand and kneel when everyone else does and don''t fall asleep.

Definitely need to remember that last part!

Thanks ozsparkle and HH - I feel much better about it. I was wondering about the communion question, glad to know that I can just stay in my seat. My dress has bare shoulders but I''ve got a big pashmina wrap to go over it, so will make sure I''m appropriately covered inside.

 

[meresal]

Don't take communion in the church if you are not Catholic.

ETA: A good thing about Catholic weddings is that there are usually lots of guests, and many usually ARE catholic. It is very easy to "follow the crowd". Nothing to worry about.

 

[Lynnie]

Hi Lily,
I was raised Catholic and DH was not. The first time we went to a catholic wedding, he was a bit upset at me for not "warning" him about all the procedures! We laugh about it now, but honestly, I didn''t think at all to tell him at the time.

Yes, sit and kneel when everyone else does. And cover your shoulders. And sit out for communion (DH wanted to "eat the wafers").
When you enter the church, it is customary to dip your finger in the bowl of holy water that is at the entrance (inside), kneel at the end of the pews (on one knee, like you''re proposing), and make the sign of the cross. Don''t be alarmed - as a non catholic, you don''t have to do this, but just an FYI. Hopefully, you''ll have a program, with the layout of the ceremony, along with hymns and hopefully, the words for them.
There''s a part of the Mass, before communion, where the priest says "Peace be with you". Everyone then says "and also with you". Then the priest will say "Let us offer each other the sign of peace". At this time, you offer a handshake/cheek peck (depending how close you are) to others around you (in arms reach). It''s customary to say "Peace be with you" to whomever you are handshaking/cheek pecking. DH was like a deer in headlights when this happened... he really wished I woulda warned him (as did I... I musta had a brain-fart that day!).

Hope this helps! Also, here''s a couple of websites that walk you through a Catholic mass...
http://catholic-resources.org/ChurchDocs/Mass.htm
http://www.mycatholictradition.com/mass.html

How exciting for you, to be meeting his fam!

 

[LilyKat]

Thanks so much everyone! That''s really helpful. Lynnie, I totally sympathise with your guy, that''s exactly why I''ve come here to ask you wise ladies first

I never knew anything about shaking hands and peace, but I''ll be prepared for it now, rather than crawling under a pew to get away from it all.

 

[jcrow]

a lot of non catholics sit during the kneeling parts. you can also sit during the communion. but i''d suggest standing when everyone else is.

 

[Morgie44]

As a non Catholic, when communion time comes, I usually stand up with my fellow pew mates and walk out, but when I get to the end of the pew, I step backward as everyone else walks to the altar, then just return to my spot. I stayed in the pew once, and people were crawling over me, it was kind of embarassing for me. This way it only happens when they come back, if at all.

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Date: 6/18/2009 10:02:17 AM
Author: jcrow
a lot of non catholics sit during the kneeling parts. you can also sit during the communion. but i''d suggest standing when everyone else is.

I am Jewish and have famiy members that are Catholic so I have been in Catholic Churches a lot. I don''t kneel during the service, but I always stand when others do.

 

[Lanie]

There is also a Prayer of the Faithful where they ask for you to pray for soldiers overseas, clergy members, our President and government, so and so who died last week, etc. It varies, but almost always, the priest will say "We now pause for our own intentions". Some churches (very few actually) allow people from the congregation to shout out prayers like "Please pray for my Aunt Betty who is battling cancer" and the congregation says "Lord hear our prayer". Well, at a wedding, priests don''t customarily allow you to shout out. Like I said, most churches don''t, but at my cousin''s wedding in a cathedral, my aunt (who is used to a small town church where they shout prayers out) shouted out a couple of prayers and it was really awkward.

Bottom line, you don''t have to say anything during the entire mass except for the "Peace be with you" part during the handshakes. And even then, if you forget, just smile and shake their hand/hug them. There will be a lot of standing up, sitting down, kneeling, so you won''t fall asleep.

I''m so glad you are asking these questions and are open to sitting in another faith''s service!!! Have fun at the wedding!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Some churches in different parts of America will invite non-Catholics and Catholics who wish not to receive communion to come up toward the altar, to cross their arms over their chest, and receive a blessing. The priest will simply say a special prayer for you and it''s a way of showing unity without receiving the Blessed Sacrament. This way, everyone gets to participate, and nobody takes communion who doesn''t believe in it as the presence of Jesus.

Usually, it will be written in the program, or the priest will explain it and invite everyone up before communion begins, if this is the practice of that particular community. Most parishes don''t do this, but some of the churches I''ve belonged to do.

 

[doodle]

Seconding CNYHopeful on the Communion bit. If you cross your arms over your chest, it signifies that you don''t want to partake in the ritual, but it keeps you from feeling awkward sitting in the pew and having people climb over you uncomfortably or having to stand to the side and feel like you''re drawing attention to yourself. Catholic weddings are pretty easy though--most of the time, everything you need to know is in the program, so it helps to scan it before the ceremony starts just so you know exactly what''s coming. Also, if you''re particularly nervous about the Communion part, sit far enough back where you won''t be one of the first rows to go--it''ll give you the chance to snoop and see what everyone else did, haha.

 

[LilyKat]

Thanks so much for all the help guys - I really appreciate it. I just had a chat with my boyfriend about everything you''ve told me, and he said "Oh yes, didn''t I mention that to you?" NO, I think you''ll find you didn''t!

I definitely feel much more prepared now. Thanks again.

And Lanie, how embarrassing for your aunt! That''s exactly the sort of thing I have nightmares about doing...

 

[Kelli]

I was just in a catholic wedding last weekend. There were plenty of non-catholics there, including the whole groom''s family. Pretty much just sit quietly and be polite and you''re good to go. You don''t have to participate in anything. Also, I was IN the wedding wearing a knee-length halter dress, and many of the girls, including the bride, were strapless. It was no big deal. Just don''t go in your underwear and you''ll be fine.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/18/2009 3:16:54 PM
Author: Kelli
Just don''t go in your underwear and you''ll be fine.

Darn. So I''ve got to go buy something else to wear?

 

[Kelli]

Maybe just a shawl and some high heels!

 

[Diamond Confused]

Take a magazine or a gameboy... they are soooo long!!!

 

[loriken214]

I''m non-Catholic, but took Communion in a Catholic church one time....I didn''t know I wasn''t supposed to!

Lori

 

[CNYHopeful]

Not your fault LoriKin! It''s the priest''s responsibility to explain it. Only reason is because it means something special and it''s a sign of respect to not receive if you don''t believe what it''s supposed to mean. If the priest or friend don''t tell you, how are you supposed to know? No harm done.

 

[bootsiekin]

I am a non-Catholic Christian, but have been to many masses (DH is Catholic). I was just at a Catholic wedding last weekend - actually I did a reading for it. Now I am wondering if people laughed because my shoulders weren''t covered! (though the bridesmaids weren''t either..)

I stand when people stand and do a lot of the responses that are the same in my church, but I don''t kneel. At weddings I have done the "arms crossed in front of the chest" thing for communion, but I have never heard a priest say to do that at a regular mass.(?) Actually for this wedding it was the priests first one, and he forgot to explain to do that sign if you weren''t Catholic. I did it, and told my friends to do it, but later the bride told me every time she looked up a non-Catholic was taking communion!

 

[loriken214]

We take Communion in our church and everyone is welcome to participate. I only found out later that I wasn''t supposed to in the Catholic church. We believe the same thing. Why is it prevented in the Catholic church for non-Catholics?

I''m just wondering.

Lori

 

[ice-queen]

The ONLY thing I wish I had known about before attending my first Catholic wedding was the whole "Peace be with you" part (basically you shake everyone''s hand around you and say this phrase). I had no idea what was going on- and because people tend to say this phrase quickly, I couldn''t even understand what they were saying! I was completely blindsided when all these people started turning to me from the front, back, and sides of me saying this and reaching out there hands- I think I just smiled and nodded my head and looked like a deer caught in headlights. I''m sure nobody noticed, but I felt like an idiot once I figured out what it was.

You DO NOT have to kneel--- I was worried people would be looking at me strange, but you can hardly tell who is kneeling and who isn''t. Other than that, everything is fairly easy to follow along with.

 

[CNYHopeful]

The difference is that Catholics believe that Jesus is fully present body, blood, soul and divinity, whereas most protestant denominations view it as a symbolic expression of unity (a rememberance feast). My Mom''s Methodist and we''ve had many conversations about this and I know she misses participating.

Catholics hold the belief that communion is not merely a commemoration or a symbolic communion with God, it''s an actual participation in heaven on earth, becoming one with God physically and spiritually in God''s embrace and also being joined with the community on earth and saints in heaven.

Grace is experienced merely by being in the presence of the Eucharist, one does not actually have to receive to benefit from it. If the Eucharist really is the body of Jesus, then to take communion while not believing it is almost like rejecting it. I know that''s not going to satisfy as an answer, but I wouldn''t want to do something that I didn''t believe to be true. When I go to my Mom''s church, I don''t take communion because it means something different to me than a mere symbol and I don''t want to disrespect her faith community. Non-Catholics are always welcome to participate in the liturgy and share their faith and presence at Mass.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 6/19/2009 1:08:44 AM
Author: CNYHopeful
The difference is that Catholics believe that Jesus is fully present body, blood, soul and divinity, whereas most protestant denominations view it as a symbolic expression of unity (a rememberance feast). My Mom''s Methodist and we''ve had many conversations about this and I know she misses participating.

Catholics hold the belief that communion is not merely a commemoration or a symbolic communion with God, it''s an actual participation in heaven on earth, becoming one with God physically and spiritually in God''s embrace and also being joined with the community on earth and saints in heaven.

Grace is experienced merely by being in the presence of the Eucharist, one does not actually have to receive to benefit from it. If the Eucharist really is the body of Jesus, then to take communion while not believing it is almost like rejecting it. I know that''s not going to satisfy as an answer, but I wouldn''t want to do something that I didn''t believe to be true. When I go to my Mom''s church, I don''t take communion because it means something different to me than a mere symbol and I don''t want to disrespect her faith community. Non-Catholics are always welcome to participate in the liturgy and share their faith and presence at Mass.

Thank you!

Lori

 

[Elmorton]

Good tips. My only additional one is that for communion, it's customary to pray before and after. So, if you're not taking communion, you should at least scoot forward during that time and sit at the edge of the pew so the person behind you can kneel and pray if they choose.

Another - also customary to bow when the cross passes by.

Here's the one that my DH freaked out about the first time he went to church with me (I'm Episcopalian, so it's the pretty much the same mass, no pope): if the priest brings the gospel down to the middle of the congregation to read it (sometimes they just do this from the pulpit, so it may or may not occur), and you're sitting in the front half of the church, you turn around so you don't have your back to the priest/gospel. Wait to turn back around again until the priest passes you to go back to the altar.

OH - and if I remember correctly, at the Catholic masses I've attended, the Lord's Prayer finishes with "and deliver us from evil" - the doxologoy (for thine is the kingdom, etc..) is omitted. But I did some poking around on the internet and apparently some Catholic churches do include that part? So just pause there... I used to go to mass with Catholic friends in college, and it was the telltale sign that someone was protestant when they kept going at that part, since most protestants get excited that they finally recognize something in the mass.

 

[ash313]

Date: 6/19/2009 11:04:40 PM
Author: Elmorton
Good tips. My only additional one is that for communion, it''s customary to pray before and after. So, if you''re not taking communion, you should at least scoot forward during that time and sit at the edge of the pew so the person behind you can kneel and pray if they choose.


Forgot a couple - also customary to bow when the cross passes by.


Here''s the one that my DH freaked out about the first time he went to church with me (I''m Episcopalian, so it''s the pretty much the same mass, no pope): if the priest brings the gospel down to the middle of the congregation to read it (sometimes they just do this from the pulpit, so it may or may not occur), and you''re sitting in the front half of the church, you turn around so you don''t have your back to the priest/gospel. Wait to turn back around again until the priest passes you to go back to the altar.


OH - and if I remember correctly, at the Catholic masses I''ve attended, the Lord''s Prayer finishes with ''and deliver us from evil'' - the doxologoy (for thine is the kingdom, etc..) is omitted. But I did some poking around on the internet and apparently some Catholic churches do include that part? So just pause there... I used to go to mass with Catholic friends in college, and it was the telltale sign that someone was protestant when they kept going at that part, since most protestants get excited that they finally recognize something in the mass.

Regarding that last section...FWIW, in all the Catholic churches I''ve been to in my life (mass every week, many times twice a week in my 27 years!) we have always completed the doxology (although we say "For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever"), but only after the priest says "Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day..."

Great comments from everyone so far! I''ll add one more that could throw someone off who is not accustomed to it. In many parishes (mine included) it is customary for the entire congregation to hold hands during the Our Father (often stretching across the aisles). You obviously don''t have to participate if you don''t like, but are certainly welcome to join in and hold hands. I actually quite enjoy it, very unifying!

I have to echo the comment above that it''s so great that you are open to experiencing other''s faith traditions! Enjoy!

 

[wapila1]

Date: 6/19/2009 1:08:44 AM
Author: CNYHopeful
The difference is that Catholics believe that Jesus is fully present body, blood, soul and divinity, whereas most protestant denominations view it as a symbolic expression of unity (a rememberance feast). My Mom''s Methodist and we''ve had many conversations about this and I know she misses participating.

Catholics hold the belief that communion is not merely a commemoration or a symbolic communion with God, it''s an actual participation in heaven on earth, becoming one with God physically and spiritually in God''s embrace and also being joined with the community on earth and saints in heaven.

Grace is experienced merely by being in the presence of the Eucharist, one does not actually have to receive to benefit from it. If the Eucharist really is the body of Jesus, then to take communion while not believing it is almost like rejecting it. I know that''s not going to satisfy as an answer, but I wouldn''t want to do something that I didn''t believe to be true. When I go to my Mom''s church, I don''t take communion because it means something different to me than a mere symbol and I don''t want to disrespect her faith community. Non-Catholics are always welcome to participate in the liturgy and share their faith and presence at Mass.

Just to add, at Communion when the priest holds up the Host he will say "the body of Christ" and the person receiving it will say "amen." You''re literally affirming that believe it''s the body of Christ, so if you don''t believe that you shouldn''t take it. If you don''t know that, you don''t know that though.

With respect to kneeling, in the parish I grew up in and attended many weddings, at the appropriate times the priest would generally say, "kneel or sit, according to your faith." That was helpful so non-Catholics knew they didn''t have to kneel.

Actually, that reminds me of a story about my now-DH, who isn''t Catholic. The first time he''d attended a Mass was at my sister''s wedding. I guess I didn''t really think about preparing him for what to expect. The town I grew up in was heavily Catholic and I guess it just didn''t occur to me that people needed preparation! After the ceremony, my DH (BF at the time) said, "Why did everyone keep interrupting the minister?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I realized...he mistook the responsorials for interruptions. LOL. I explained that and "the handshake and kissing thing" afterward, but I wished I''d done it beforehand! Poor guy.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Lilykat, would you mind a quick threadjack? I wanted to ask what kind of cat you have in your av - he or she is gorgeous!

 

[LilyKat]

Thanks so much for all the tips guys! It''s really kind of you. I love experiencing other cultures and learning about other faiths, so I''m really looking forward to it.

Brown Eyed Girl, she is a Bengal tiger cat. She looks kind of mean in the photo but she is a real sweetie pie! She used to do a bit of "cat modelling" for advertisments and cat education books (before we had her) and that was one of her pro shots