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Advice Needed (long)

Mashira

Mashira

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2010
Messages
501
I'm going to preface this with: I have a confession, a problem, and don't know if I need a change of perspective. I hope not to come off as childish, because I do have doubts that this may be childish, so I am using you ladies as a sounding board to be sure. Please be gentle!

Friend #3 is getting engaged next month. Her wedding is planned for March 2011, they have already looked at caterers/venues etc together. I am getting engaged either September or November. My wedding is planned for September 2011. As some of you know, I'm pretty much already 'unoffically' engaged. He has the ring, I've seen it, tried it on, and even posted pictures, but because we are traditional/romantic at heart he is still going to do an all out 'proposal' to make it official (even though we already booked the caterer etc) My wedding will be after hers.

That being said, friend #3 is lazy and sucks at planning/organizing. We went to a few expos together (with our BF's) and had a lovely time. Friend #3 saw that I had a three ring binder with dividers and what not (that I made, not bought) to organize wedding information such as venues etc. She also saw that I had an Excel spreadsheet that worked out our prospective budget. She complimented it, and said that she was nowhere near as organized, and was a bit lazy. I took the compliment, and said that she would get her self sorted out when the time drew near, and that I was just jumping the gun a bit because BF and I both know that we will have very little time to plan after the engagement due to school/licensing exams/work.

Friend #3 then asked me to e-mail her my Excel spreadsheet (after deleting the budget, of course.) I was very reluctant. I didn't want to do it. (This is where it gets childish?) I put a lot of time and effort into putting that worksheet together, finding all the items we would need, I have everything on that baby from the wedding license and garter to the venue and catering. Everything. It took forever to put together and get the equations right etc... Well, I sucked it up and I sent it to her.

Then she texts me and asks where our reception will be, because she cannot find a venue. Now... now I'm pissed. Her wedding will be before mine, as I said (and I have no problem with that) but it took me AGES to find the perfect venue, at the perfect price range. I worked hard. I called everywhere. I did the research. And now... now she wants me to just hand it over? NO! I told her, "Honestly, it took me a long time to find this venue, and because you are having your wedding before mine, I don't want you to use the same venue that we have chosen."

She seemed a bit affronted. I was a bit shocked. It went over okay and she said that she understood, but she continues to ask me little things like what church I'm using, what caterer etc... *sigh* It's aggravating because we are in the same city, with the same friends. I feel as though I have done all the work, and she wants to reap all of the rewards because her wedding will be first. Again, I have no problem with her wedding being first, but I do have a problem with doing all the work, her using MY research, and THEN having the wedding first, making mine look like a 'copy-cat' although I am the one that put all of the effort into it.

Is this reasonable? Should my friend have been offended? Am I wrong to think this way? Again... I am rather sensitive about this, so please be gentle. :halo:
 
Personally, i think tis okay to share some information, but not all. I think the Excel sheet sounds wonderful, but she sould do it on her own. I would tell her, i would "help" her find a location, but not do all of the work for her location. If she doesnt want to put in the effort than maybe she should just do a elopement type of deal. I know that some might disagree with me, but i think you have shared more than enough.
 
I'd stop sharing immediately. You have done more than enough. And really, your friends probably already know that you've done your work, and she's been slacking on hers, so if she tries to copy cat your plans, she's just going to look stupid. But I'd still stop sharing. And I would point out that she really should try to create a wedding that is HER and HER FIANCÉ, and not YOU and YOUR FIANCÉ. Yeah, things will be different. But who wants to go to two weddings in the same year where everything major is identical?!

Not me!

But thats why I did something I knew none of my close friends would do-go to Vegas!
 
Your friend IS lazy. She just need a wedding planner. It's ok to talk about stuff, but.. she can't just expect you to plan her wedding. If I were you, I wouldn't want to send her all the info too. Like you did, I would probably suck it up and do it anyways because we're friends. I understand where you're coming from. It's like in school when you did all the stuff and your friends wanted to "copy" or "look" at it. Planning a wedding is fun. It's a good experience and challenge to plan something BIG and information with your future husband. It's once in a lifetime experience. She's just missing out on all the fun.

You guys are like unofficially engaged. You guys actually are very organized. My bf doesn't want to plan anything or call anywhere before we're officially engaged. That doesn't mean I can't google and do my own research online.
 
Thank you ladies for the input! I agree that the Excel sheet wasn't too bad, yes, she should have done it herself, but for friendships sake I sucked it up. My friends don't know that I've been planning, but they certainly know I'm the organized one (I've always been the planner) and it would be rather obvious if she did do all of the same major things (venue, caterer etc..) I also agree that her wedding should be about her and her FF, not me and my FF. The funny thing is that her mother is an event planner, so yes... all she has to do is walk down the hall (she lives with her mum) and talk to her mother. :nono:

Beezygal, that is EXACTLY what it is like! (The friend that asks to copy your homework) And yes, FF is totally into the pre-engagement planning, but even if he wasn't I would still be looking things up for myself. I think it's just part of the fun. I'm baffled as to how she can be 'girly' and 'giddy' but not want to do any of the work.

I'm glad to hear I'm not off my rocker for feeling this way :appl:

Edit: To include another sentence teehee
 
NO WAY would I let her have the reception venue or cermony place, BUT the spreadsheet I probably would have suck up too.

Unless she is asking coz she just wants an idea of what you are doing and doesnt actually want to steal the locations. But still it turns my stomach that someone would think they could use someone elses venues... :(sad
 
ditto...you want the wedding to be a reflection of YOU as a couple...maybe just phrase it that way...tell her that if you share your ideas you're not sure she would find something that would best reflect her and her BF and maybe point her in the direction of some wedding planning books/websites/something
 
Direct her little tushy to the Knot.com, they have timelines on there and everything and will let you know when you need to get things done by a certain date
 
I pretty much agree with the other ladies. I would probably have given her the spreadsheet (I mean, I see where you're coming from being slightly annoyed that you did the work, but to me, something like that is pretty minor). But I would draw the line at reception venues, etc. Next thing you know, she'll be wanting to buy the same dress!

I haven't experienced this in wedding planning, but I've definitely had people benefit from my work in school. And it is very frustrating. So anyway, I think it was a nice, friendly thing to do to share your spreadsheet. But she should be able to do the footwork herself.
 
I'm going to put this very very simply. STOP, sharing anymore information with this friend. Please.

She IS lazy. And you deserve to have everything you want the way YOU want it without it being jipped off someone else who does not feel like planning their own wedding.

Its like one of those people who NEVER studies for any tests and knows you get really good grades because you study your butt off, tries to copy your answers on every single test so they too can get good grades but without putting in the effort (this turned out to be me venting about a girl in one of my classes but I was annoyed just as you were)
 
:lol: No worries, I definitely feel the same way (and have had people wanting to cheat off of me as well) so I know what you mean ;))
 
Stop sharing. And don't feel the least bit bad about it.


It's her wedding, she either needs to get her own arse into gear or hire someone to do it for her, not attempt to copy your wedding.
 
You did enough with giving her the spreadsheet.

No more needed, you're not her wedding planner so don't let her turn you into one!
 
I think it's good to share things with your friend - but not the same wedding dress or venue.
My friends and I shared everything - cake person, make up artist and photographer - we wanted the best for each other.
However we stopped at the themes and making sure we had different dresses and venues.

She needs to be more considerate and understand that because both of you are getting married in 2011, you cannot have the same venue.
 
I agree with everyone else. You made the right decision by sharing the Excel sheet, but not sharing your catering, venues, etc. She needs to plan her own wedding. And I would not have wanted to give her any of that information either.
 
Stop sharing!

Ask her to consider a wedding planner. If she asks about more details, tell her either, "I don't know yet" or "that's going to be a surprise!" Alternate, then repeat.
What are your colors going to be? I don't know yet!
What's your venue? Its a surprise!
Where are you getting your flowers? I don't know yet!
Where are you getting your cake toppers? Its a surprise!

If you didn't want to give her the spreadsheet, you shouldn't have. Don't do things that make you resent people, and don't allow someone to twist your arm into granting them "favors" that you don't want to grant. What's done is done, but don't feel obliged to share any details with this friend.

My first semester of college, everyone in class wanted to be my best friend..until they realized that I wouldn't 1) email them my paper so they could "see how to do it" or 2) send them my notes, etc. So-- watch out for yourself, and don't take it personally if this girl takes it badly that you won't "help" her. I'm hoping that she gets the point quickly, and gracefully accepts the fact that she needs to plan her own wedding. Good luck!
 
Im your boat as well, and almost in the same exact position.. Unofficially engaged, and planning a wedding for september 2011!! However, im sure you have read my one post where i asked if it was selfish to be upset if my soon to be Sister in law and brother in law had their wedding in the same month!== I freaked and i thouht i was being selfish and yes i was, but in your situation, i understand!!

Id be a little upset if she had nothing planned and was taking my ideas! Its your special day, your venue that you would like to think its special for you , especially since u took all that time to find it!

I think u have every right to be a little ticked, i guess you should say.

My situation was going well, the sister in law stated she would have her wedding in october or november, BUT she is having calla lillies as her flower and well so was i...

She said shed be very upset if I used calla lillies like her..

so, i completely changed my centerpeices. ::hmphh::
 
I would not want someone to "steal" my wedding which is what it seems like this girl is trying to do! The excel spreadsheet is one thing, that's a tool, but you don't copy the details! That's crazy! :roll:
 
She needs to do her own work--this is not a group project!

Comparing notes on some things is fine, if she's really having a problem figuring something out it's fine to ask others who have or are planning weddings, but she just sounds lazy and honestly she's the immature one, not you.

Many people go out of their way to make their wedding their own, a reflection of themselves as a couple, and then you have people who want the manufactured version because they just don't have any sort of creative vision. That's fine--call an actual wedding planner, don't use your friends and their ideas as your own, and then (of course) take credit for it when the big day rolls around.

I would just start directing her to websites for ideas next time she asks about your plans, as others have mentioned. She can plan her own wedding. And do NOT tell her anything about your dress. Anything. :roll:
 
Ditto to everything everyone else said (yep, like your friend I'm stealing everyone's ideas! j/k)

Really, stop sharing. It was nice of you to give your friend the spreadsheet and I would have done the same thing for my friend but anything after that I think is up to her. Like Jessie 702 said, direct her to theknot.com and say have at!
 
I was a little bit evil with the dress, I'm afraid to say :Up_to_something: I was a little ticked and showed her the (insanely expensive) dream dress that I wanted when I was little. It's outdated and quite frankly hideous now... she said, "Oooh!, is that the new style now?"
(and I'm thinking to myself... what the...?) I told her it was over 10yrs old etc but, I think she may jump on it. Getting that dress will be her own faux pas for trying to copy my every move :naughty:

IndyLady, I love it! I think the 'It's a surprise' and 'I don't know yet's are about to start flowing! That idea works very well for me, because I don't have to continually tell her 'I don't want to tell you', which for some reason, I can't help but feel bad for/uncomfortable saying :wink2:

Nicole, yes I read your post, which made me extra cautious about how I worded this :cheeky: I'm glad to hear things are going well now!
 
Aw, honesty, the poor girl sounds like she's clueless and has no idea where to begin!

I wouldn't share anything with her other than generic websites and information that you find. I've known people like this, they honestly just have no idea, and before you know it, all of your hard work and ideas end up being presented by them. Not cool.

I think directing her would be fine, but sharing ideas with a person like this is a big no-no.
 
Have you actually talked to her about all of this? I think she may just not get it. Although I am super excited to plan my future wedding, not everyone is like that. Some people just want the easiest solution possible. While I definitely DO NOT agree with you two having the same venue, theme, colors, etc, I don't see the harm in sharing the other stuff.

She may be coming to you because she likes your taste and honestly wants your opinion. Maybe she is not trying to "steal" or even copy your wedding. Even if you had the same florist, caterer, DJ, etc, it still would be completely different because there would be different themes, locations, people etc. She may just need your help. But the first thing I would do is have a conversation with her about it. Once she understands your frustrations, she may back off a little. And if she is still trying to get every detail from you and tries to use them the same way, then you know she is doing it on purpose and can keep all your wonderful ideas to yourself :)
 
I agree with pretty much everyone else. I don't think you're over reacting or being childish. I think it's nice of you to share the spreadsheet with her, but it can stop there. If you worked that hard to find your perfect venue, she can do the same thing! Everyone wants their wedding to be unique. Nothing childish about that.
I bake and am usually willing to share recipes, however, I have 1 signature recipe and when asked, I alter the recipe a tad. It's a recipe I found online and made some tweaks to, so I just send them the original. If it's something someone works hard at and makes their own, it's ok to keep to themselves.
Saying "it's a surprise" and "I don't know yet" is such a great idea! Kuddos to you IndyLady!
Good for you for staying strong Mashira!
 
IndyLady said:
Stop sharing!

Ask her to consider a wedding planner. If she asks about more details, tell her either, "I don't know yet" or "that's going to be a surprise!" Alternate, then repeat.
What are your colors going to be? I don't know yet!
What's your venue? Its a surprise!
Where are you getting your flowers? I don't know yet!
Where are you getting your cake toppers? Its a surprise!

If you didn't want to give her the spreadsheet, you shouldn't have. Don't do things that make you resent people, and don't allow someone to twist your arm into granting them "favors" that you don't want to grant. What's done is done, but don't feel obliged to share any details with this friend.

My first semester of college, everyone in class wanted to be my best friend..until they realized that I wouldn't 1) email them my paper so they could "see how to do it" or 2) send them my notes, etc. So-- watch out for yourself, and don't take it personally if this girl takes it badly that you won't "help" her. I'm hoping that she gets the point quickly, and gracefully accepts the fact that she needs to plan her own wedding. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Yup. Just brilliant.
 
Oh MY! That soooooooooo happened to me while planning. It seemed everything I did, she copied. It drove me nuts. So I just completely stopped sharing and answering questions. THATS the best way out. Good luck!
 
I wouldn't even have given her the spread sheet.
I have known one too many people who played dumb
while I did their work
 
I agree that the sharing should stop with the spreadsheet. She could have use TheKnot's online budgeting tool but you took the guess work out of it for her by making it into a spreadsheet. One of my best friends did the same thing for me since she got engaged 2.5 months before me. She actually offered it, but she wasn't in any danger of me copying her wedding either, we had completely different budgets and affairs.

To keep her occupied direct her sites like weddingwire.com, projectwedding.com, weddingbee.com, etc. This way she can do some easy research of her own. Or just give her all of your cast-off information (like everything you know you won't use).

Good luck with planning and keep your head up! Hopefully this phase will pass.
 
Thank you again ladies, and sorry I haven't replied in a while. BF and I went on a trip to Houston with my mum and just got back! (It was lovely!)

Getting Excited, I briefly talked to her about it and told her that I did not want to tell her my venues etc because it made me uncomfortable to think she may use them, her wedding being before mine and all. She said she "completely understands" but continued to ask me specific things about my wedding, "What venue are you using?" not "Do you know of any good venues I could use?" and this is what bothered me.

Unfortunately I've had my heart a bit broken now. It turns out she is using my church. The beautiful one I was going to use, the one buried deep in the opposite side of our town that took forever to find. She didn't even ask me, it was my fault. I mentioned the church off-offhandedly one day and she pounced, yet again. ;( This is becoming very aggravating.

Clairitek, thank you for those websites, I will be having a conversation with here tomorrow evening and I'm going to refer her to those websites, as well as tell her that she can bounce ideas off of me, be giddy and happy and in love around me, and I will be with her the whole exciting way, perfectly happy for her. HOWEVER I would rather not talk about wedding details anymore. My tact and reluctance to be blunt died with her stealing my church. *sobs*
 
Are you going to have many friends that will be at both weddings?
 
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