age of marriage

[Clio]

I married at 21, right after college. That was nearly 13 years ago, and for us it''s worked through graduate degrees, cross country moves, and 3 kids. It doesn''t work for everyone, of course, but it can be a wonderful thing. In many ways, we grew up together, and it''s been a lot of fun.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think it''s just a matter of where your priorities lie--I dated DH for 8 years before we were married. I am 26 and he is 28 (we were the same age when we married 6 months ago). Could we have gotten married earlier? Sure, in fact, I don''t think I''m any more mature now than I was 5 years ago . While our relationship was important, my primary focus was on school and on establishing my career. If my relationship distracted me from those things, I would have had to walk away from it. DH graduated from college at a very early age and already had his degree before we met, so we were in different life stages. Fortunately he was extremely supportive, understanding and very helpful through my early twenties. It wasn''t until we both felt we were completely independent financially and emotionally that we started discussing marriage. I do think individual growth is extremely important in order to have a strong marriage--it can certainly happen within a relationship, but I can imagine it''s more difficult to do within a marriage when the relationship is supposed to come firt. Until I was in my mid-twenties, I simply could not put my relationship first.

 

[lyra]

Date: 3/27/2008 7:03:33 PM
Author:oddoneout
Is there an age where it''s too young or too old to get married? The average age (according to stats...in Canada) of marriage seems to be late 20s-early 30s. Do you think your opinion depends on the age you want to get/were married at? Just curious to know peoples opinions.

The right age is when you find the right guy IMO, whenever that is. My daughters are now almost 18 and 21. The younger one has a b/f I''d love to have in the family permanently, and I''m kind of sad that they''re so young. It''s not likely to last I guess. The older one is not likely to marry any time soon as she has 4 more years of school and 2 years of job experience before she reaches her actual occupation. So I don''t know. Yes, I think a lot of it depends on schooling these days. It was not an issue for me because I did short term trade schooling and married at 21. I just want them to find the right guy like I did. This is my 25th anniversary year.

 

[bem3231]

Date: 3/28/2008 1:45:27 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Without considering the individual''s maturity, I think 25 and over for women doesn''t make me raise an eyebrow. A bit older for men.


I got married at 33 (almost 34). It was a great age for me and I don''t regret really enjoying my 20''s and early 30''s as a singleton. However, if you want kids, I''d say marriage at 28-32 would be fab. I''m 35 now and feel like I could have definitely enjoyed married life waaaaaaaaay longer before having a kid.

I can really relate to this, TG... When we get married in July, I will be 35 and my fiancé will be 40, although we will each be having a birthday in September. We both spent many years in university getting multiple degrees, and have both traveled extensively and established great careers. I felt a real ''shift'' in my personal level of self-knowledge around 27. I think that had I married prior to that, things would have been very difficult (I was engaged when I was 23). Most of my friends didn''t marry until their early to mid-30''s. I think that to have married right around 30 would have been about perfect.

My fiancé and I both want kids and so, given our respective ages, will likely start trying to start a family almost immediately after the wedding. This makes me a little sad in that I would have loved to have had a few years to just enjoy being married before having kids became a big priority. That said, I would definitely take meeting the right guy later on as opposed to ending up with the wrong guy earlier!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I totally and completely agree with those who said it is a matter of maturity and not age. My husband and I were both oldest children and married at 21. We have been married for 30 years and almost all of our college friends that married around that time are still married. I still got my master''s, have been to Europe and other places, and have not ever considered that I married too young. Now I have kids that age, and one is mature enough and the other is very far from being ready. Personality, responsibility, and commitment have SO much more to do with whether marriages are successful than age.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it depends on the person and situation. Generally, I would say anything under 21 is young, unless you are both mature and really know what you want. As for an upper age, I think there is not that much of a restriction, unless you are wanting to have a family, in which case there are limits in terms of being able to have kids and being able to care for them. But, as I said, I think each person knows what works for them, and there is no hard and fast rule.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 3/28/2008 12:19:04 PM
Author: bem3231

I can really relate to this, TG... When we get married in July, I will be 35 and my fiancé will be 40, although we will each be having a birthday in September. We both spent many years in university getting multiple degrees, and have both traveled extensively and established great careers. I felt a real 'shift' in my personal level of self-knowledge around 27. I think that had I married prior to that, things would have been very difficult (I was engaged when I was 23). Most of my friends didn't marry until their early to mid-30's. I think that to have married right around 30 would have been about perfect.

My fiancé and I both want kids and so, given our respective ages, will likely start trying to start a family almost immediately after the wedding. This makes me a little sad in that I would have loved to have had a few years to just enjoy being married before having kids became a big priority. That said, I would definitely take meeting the right guy later on as opposed to ending up with the wrong guy earlier!

Lol, I'm in exactly the same situation.

I will be 3 weeks short of 36 when I get married in July (aren't you the 26th July as well bem?) and FI will be 33.

I didn't feel ready to get married until I was 33. It's not that I was immature - I absolutely wasn't, I'd been supporting myself since I was 17 - lived in 3 different countries on my own including 8 years in Italy, had several serious relationships under my belt (including one of 7 years where we may as well have been married since the only thing missing was the paperwork), but I didn't feel I knew myself and what I wanted in life until then.

I also wasn't prepared to give up my freedom for anyone - oh, and then I met FI.

It does depend a lot on your social circle. None of my friends are married or getting married until early - mid 30's, and those people I knew at school who married at 23/24/25 are now all divorced and some of them on their second marriages.

I have a 23 year-old sister and I would be horrified if she announced she wanted to get married this year. My other sister got married at 26 and wishes she had waited and got more life experience instead of marrying the first guy she met after university (mind you her marriage is a disaster and has been from day one).

Having finally decided we want children, we are going to start trying straight after the wedding - we've been living together for 3.5 years anyway, so I don't feel I will have missed out on years together before kids.

Basically, there is no such thing as too old, but I would generally consider anything under 26/27 too young.

 

[Linda W]

I think it depends when two people are ready.

DH''s brother and SIL were married right out of highschool at age 18. They have been married for 37 years now. They are the most loving couple, we have ever seen. They grew together and have 5 adult children now.

I was married at 21 for 5 years. That marriage ended in disaster. I was divorced for 4 years then met the love of my life. DH and I celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary today. I was almost 32 when I married him.

You are never too old or too young to marry. It is when you are both ready and mature enough. My ex-husband, I found out too late, was an abuser. He was a police officer, who thought he could abuse his wife.

Linda

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 3/28/2008 2:50:12 PM
Author: Linda W
I think it depends when two people are ready.

DH''s brother and SIL were married right out of highschool at age 18. They have been married for 37 years now. They are the most loving couple, we have ever seen. They grew together and have 5 adult children now.

I was married at 21 for 5 years. That marriage ended in disaster. I was divorced for 4 years then met the love of my life. DH and I celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary today. I was almost 32 when I married him.

You are never too old or too young to marry. It is when you are both ready and mature enough. My ex-husband, I found out too late, was an abuser. He was a police officer, who thought he could abuse his wife.

Linda

Happy anniversary!!

I hope I get to spend that much time with my hubby, I bet it is really specialy to know someone that well and be together so long.

I''m sorry to hear about your first marriage, but you must be proud that you got out and has the strength to stand up for yourself. It seems many other women in that situation don''t have that strength.

DD

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 3/28/2008 3:17:07 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 3/28/2008 2:50:12 PM

Author: Linda W

I think it depends when two people are ready.


DH''s brother and SIL were married right out of highschool at age 18. They have been married for 37 years now. They are the most loving couple, we have ever seen. They grew together and have 5 adult children now.


I was married at 21 for 5 years. That marriage ended in disaster. I was divorced for 4 years then met the love of my life. DH and I celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary today. I was almost 32 when I married him.


You are never too old or too young to marry. It is when you are both ready and mature enough. My ex-husband, I found out too late, was an abuser. He was a police officer, who thought he could abuse his wife.


Linda

Happy anniversary!!

I hope I get to spend that much time with my hubby, I bet it is really specialy to know someone that well and be together so long.


I''m sorry to hear about your first marriage, but you must be proud that you got out and has the strength to stand up for yourself. It seems many other women in that situation don''t have that strength.


DD

I agree, happy anniversary Linda W!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I think that it just depends on the couple. I was 24 when DH and I married, he was 26. I was 19 when we met and 23 when we got engaged. We will be married 11 years in May.

 

[Linda W]

Thank you Sarah and DD,

I am very lucky to have my DH. I love him so much. He is my best friend.

Linda

 

[Fancy605]

Wow, I don''t think it has to do with age at all. I mean, I wouldn''t encourage my middle schoolers to rush out and get married of course. One does need to be at least beyond high school these days (plus I think it''s illegal here to marry before 17), but I think the timing of marriage is more closely related to the issue of whether or not you have established your own life more so than it is to the issue of age. The way I see it: until you have your life figured out, you have no business trying to bring anyone else into it permanently. I don''t mean that people shouldn''t get married if they haven''t achieved all of their goals. All I mean is that you should at least know what your goals are for life and be well on your way towards reaching them. And you should have your life together enough to know whether another person can fit into it.

I also think it is a matter of finding happiness. I really don''t think people ought to be getting married unless they are already happy with themselves. A lot of people say, "Oh, I''d be happy if only I were married." Sigh...

Anyway, I think it''s ridiculous for people to feel there is some sort of magical age at which they must achieve certain steps in life. I mean aside from being potty trained before entering school, I think that the imaginary age limits on reaching certain plateaus in life are a bit silly. (law enforced age limits of course are another matter)

 

[oddoneout]

I just want to thank everyone for being so honest and polite. I think the age of marriage depends on maturity. As for the upper age...you can be as old as you want to marry.

 

[anchor31]

oddoneout - I''m Canadian too, and in Qc the average age of the bride on her first marriage is 30-31 years old (and I think only 30-ish% of Qcers marry at all). I was 21 when I got engaged and will be married right after I finish my bachelor''s degree at 23. I''ve had only two classmates (age 22-23) getting married after their bachelor''s as well, and one of them was last year. So in this regard, I seem to be the "odd one out"...

There are so many factors that influence the decision to marry and when... In my case, because of our personal values and beliefs we decided to wait until we were married to truly live as husband and wife (we started cohabiting after we were engaged, but we live as roommates, not as spouses). But by no means did it make us "rush down the aisle"... We were 17/21 when we met, and we''ll have been dating for 5 years when we''ll be married (partly because I wanted to be done with my B.Sc. first).

So am I too young? Some people would say so, I know some people certainly think so. But I truly believe that there are things other than age which are much more indicative and significant for a successful marriage...

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 3/28/2008 8:48:56 PM
Author: anchor31
oddoneout - I''m Canadian too, and in Qc the average age of the bride on her first marriage is 30-31 years old (and I think only 30-ish% of Qcers marry at all). I was 21 when I got engaged and will be married right after I finish my bachelor''s degree at 23. I''ve had only two classmates (age 22-23) getting married after their bachelor''s as well, and one of them was last year. So in this regard, I seem to be the ''odd one out''...

There are so many factors that influence the decision to marry and when... In my case, because of our personal values and beliefs we decided to wait until we were married to truly live as husband and wife (we started cohabiting after we were engaged, but we live as roommates, not as spouses). But by no means did it make us ''rush down the aisle''... We were 17/21 when we met, and we''ll have been dating for 5 years when we''ll be married (partly because I wanted to be done with my B.Sc. first).


So am I too young? Some people would say so, I know some people certainly think so. But I truly believe that there are things other than age which are much more indicative and significant for a successful marriage...

You know, our situations are somewhat similar. DH and I started dating at 19 and 21 and dated 5 years before marrying. When we first started dating, it was, "Oh you''re too young to be so serious." Then, when we were engaged, it wasn''t so much "You''re too young" as "This is the only significant relationship you''ve had in your adult life; he''s your first love; don''t you think there''s more out there?" Do you ever get that? That''s generally the one I end up with more so than the "too young thing."

 

[beau13]

Hello fellow Canadian (Anchor). There is NO magic number (age). Life experience, and maturity (mental age) I think are determining factors that help a person decide whether or not they are ready for marriage. I got married at 24 (hubby was 23), and we have been married for 14 years almost...dated for 6.5 yrs before marrying. The "right one" comes along at any age. We struggled financially for the first few years, being married right out of University (grad school), but when two people love each other and are committed to a relationship, there are no barriers!! Now, he is VERY successful, a fabulous husband and father, and I couldn''t ask for more!

 

[diamondfan]

Linda, not to threadjack but I am so glad you got out of an abusive marriage and found someone great! It takes a lot of courage to take those steps and you were strong to do so.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/29/2008 11:09:57 AM
Author: Fancy605


You know, our situations are somewhat similar. DH and I started dating at 19 and 21 and dated 5 years before marrying. When we first started dating, it was, ''Oh you''re too young to be so serious.'' Then, when we were engaged, it wasn''t so much ''You''re too young'' as ''This is the only significant relationship you''ve had in your adult life; he''s your first love; don''t you think there''s more out there?'' Do you ever get that? That''s generally the one I end up with more so than the ''too young thing.''

I hear you 100%. It''s very strange the kind of comments we get and how perspectives can change... We dated casually for 8 months before getting serious, and my peers would ask me why we''re "waiting so long". When I moved away for college, many would try to discourage me and say it wouldn''t work out. When I came back (because I was very unhappy with said college, it sucked

), my peers assumed that we would move in together. We''d been dating for 3 years by then, which is, apparently, "a very long time before moving in". But we didn''t move in together, and we got engaged. Funny how people changed their tune... Suddenly we were "too young" and "rushing", we "didn''t know each other well enough", because he is my first love I should "look around some more to learn what kind of person I want to spend my life with", we "had to move in together first", and why in the world would we want to get married? It''s just a piece of paper, right?

Thing is, since Qc is the only area under the civil code instead of the common law in North America (except maybe Louisiana??), a LOT of people are unaware that common-law marriages do NOT exist here, and marriage is, in fact, a LOT more than just a piece of paper. No matter how long you live with a person, you will never be "married" in the eyes of the law unless you do get married. If a couple doesn''t wish to officially marry but choose to cohabit and have children, they should at the very least sign papers for a civil union if they want the legal protections and benefits. So might as well get married, right?

Anyway, the kind of people who make these kinds of comments are usually the kind of people who believe that their way is the only way. They rushed to move in together (and possibly to sleep together too) and have no plans to commit, and they see me not doing the same as me saying "your way is wrong", and it rubs them the wrong way. Personally, I couldn''t care less what they do and I''m not going around telling them what I think they "should" do... I don''t even think it''s "wrong". It''s just not right for ME. I suppose some of them are just trying to help, in their own way, but they simply don''t know enough about me and my values to make that kind of judgement.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/29/2008 11:10:40 AM
Author: beau13
Hello fellow Canadian (Anchor). There is NO magic number (age). Life experience, and maturity (mental age) I think are determining factors that help a person decide whether or not they are ready for marriage. I got married at 24 (hubby was 23), and we have been married for 14 years almost...dated for 6.5 yrs before marrying. The ''right one'' comes along at any age. We struggled financially for the first few years, being married right out of University (grad school), but when two people love each other and are committed to a relationship, there are no barriers!! Now, he is VERY successful, a fabulous husband and father, and I couldn''t ask for more!

Hey!

Congrats on almost 14 years!

I guess J and I are lucky, because he''s a bit older than me and has had a steady job for 3 years. It''s going to make things easier for us even if I don''t find a steady job right out of school.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I met my hubby when I was 20, got engaged at 24 and married at 25 (right after graduating from law school). We were then married for 5 years before we had our son when I was 30.

I think an important consideration is children. If you plan to have kids and you want to be married when you do it, most docs will try to encourage you to have your family before you at 35. As I understand, there is a greater risk after that age.

I wouldn''t have changed when we got married. I think we were more than mature enough to make that sort of commitment.

 

[Octavia]

My FI and I started dating when I was 23 and he was 26. At our wedding, we''ll have been together for four years, so I''ll be 27 and he''ll be 30. Before, I always imagined that I''d be a little older when I got married, and certainly that it wouldn''t happen before I was done with law school, but now this feels exactly right. I want to have kids when I''m about 30 and 32, so this will give us some time being married, and give me some time to establish my career before we take that next-next step. Of course, plans can change, but it''s always good to have one, IMO!

I definitely wouldn''t have been ready to get married straight out of college. Two friends of mine got married the summer after college; one is still happily married and the other is divorced. It doesn''t surprise me in either case, and it really is because of the relative maturity levels of my friends and their guys. A couple of my other friends are getting married later this year and the rest are still dating. I don''t think any of us really saw marrying young as an option, for whatever reason.

 

[Clio]

The way I see it: until you have your life figured out, you have no business trying to bring anyone else into it permanently. I don''t mean that people shouldn''t get married if they haven''t achieved all of their goals. All I mean is that you should at least know what your goals are for life and be well on your way towards reaching them. And you should have your life together enough to know whether another person can fit into it.

Fancy, this is quite true. I''ve always been the kind of person who knows my own mind and where I''m going, and I think that''s one reason marrying fairly young has worked out for us.

When we got engaged, my grandparents were initially a little worried that once we married I let my plans for graduate school fall by the wayside. Then, they realized that it was me they were dealing with and of course I''ll still go to grad school (and I did!).

(And Anchor, Louisiana is a weird mix of civil code/common law)