Ahhh! The ring is back! What do I do??

[firebirdgold]

Ok, so there was this original antique ring on aer.com a while back that I just loved. It''s flowery and romantic, with lovely openwork on the sides. But it was sold before I could point it out to my bf. And Now It''s Back on aer!! I know it''s the same ring since it''s identical to the original pics, which of course I have on my hard drive.
So I need your opinons on this ring! Is it worth what they are asking for it? Why do you think it was returned? Is it good enough to pester my bf about?

As you may know, my bf is currently pulling his hair out over his phd. I expect to see twitching and frothing any minute now. Just trying to plan on when to have dinner, let alone going out on the weekend, can cause stress overload. Although he is making me a valentine''s day dinner and actually went shopping for it Sunday night, which is really impressive! And he has told me very firmly that he wants to do his own research when he has time (i.e. after the defense in April), and pick the ring himself.

So I really just do not know if I should mention this to him, or let it go. Part of me is saying that it''s fate, the ring is supposed to be mine! Although if it really was destiny, wouldn''t it be my size? (I have a dim memory that it might have been the first time it was for sale, but that could just be wishful thinking).

For those of you who want the stats:
$2650 -18k white gold, original 1920''s ring
old european cut
.66 carats
5.50 -5.60 x 3.45 mm
62.2% depth
57% table
thin to medium girdle
small cutlet
Good polish
Good symmetry

SI-1
F
Faint Flouresence

UGL cert (WTF??)

 

[Jelly]

Here are some questions to consider:

What are you looking for in an engagement ring? Wow factor? Sparkliness? Antique Charm?

Have you been to the jewelry stores to try on rings and settings?

Do you have a budget set?

Have you seen an Old European Cut before?

Have you compared it to an ideal/superideal cut round stone before?

When I first went ring shopping I was set on a Jean Francois Albert ring. That was my dream ring and thought I didn''t need to look any further. After being to countless stores/websites/pricescope, my dream ring changed quite a bit. This is a big decision and it may not be best to jump at the first ring you fall in love with. JMHO

 

[firebirdgold]

Def. not wow factor. Um, I like sparkle, but the setting is as important if not more. Particularly if it's a diamond not a sapphire ring, I like both but I'm far more critical of sapphire quality. I like both sleek, modern styles and antique styles.. particularly arts n' crafts and art deco. A brief re-survey of my jewelry box shows that I don't actually own anything modern. It's all either antique style or granulated gold.
My absolutely favorite piece of jewelry was my antique snake ring with ruby eyes and a huge (1 c) pear shaped rose cut diamond in it's forehead. I loved that ring so much, it had so much sparkle and personality. And I loved getting compliments on my unique ring. Unfortunately I started to take it off during the winter because of the amount of lotion I use, and it was stolen or lost.

I haven't done too much ring shopping as I feel a bit gulity doing so. I've tried on an antique ring with a .4 carat? j vs2 oec in a ring with pierced open work and just loved it. I couldn't bear to take it off. That was, mmm, 5 months ago and was $3000 at the super-snobby store in town. My bf's reaction was '$3k for a ring???' which was highly upsetting. He has since told me to totally ignore him when he talks (complains) about money.

But I am still assuming that his budget is $2,500 - $3,000. My family isn't into super blingy stuff. My sister just got engaged and will have no e-ring

, and my mother still has her original .5 carat even though they could afford, well, an eye-popping upgrade!

I went to a normal jewelry store while I was in LA recently to try on Vatche settings. Was un-moved by pretty much everything other than the x-prong, and I really liked the channel set x-prong but thought it was too much diamond with a center diamond.
I saw some Hearts on Fire several years ago when I worked in a B&M. Wasn't totally blown away. But I haven't seen a live ideal since, and certainly have not compared the two looks. Perhaps I should look into who has ideals in this town?

ETA: I didn't put this in RockyTalky becasue a) part of the question involves the tricky subject of a liw's communication about rings with her bf, and b) because I didn't want too much exposure in case someone else snatches this ring up again!

ETA: While I haven't really seen them in person, in the pics I don't particularly care for the promenient 'arrows' of ideal cuts. I worry that I'd be looking at the arrows and not the sparkle. Please don't flame me for it!

 

[sunkist]

Wren, I think that ring is beautiful!! I love the antique look. It seems like a reasonable price to me, but I don''t know anything about Old European cuts. Maybe you should do more research on them and see what good measurements are?

 

[E B]

Hey Wren!

First of all, it's a gorgeous ring. I can see why you've fallen in love with it.

Second of all, it's an OEC, which is a cut I think you have to see to know if you adore it. I've never seen one in person, but I hear they're a different kind of sparkle than the ideal RBs accessible. This one's an SI, with a good/good cut (though all OECs might have G/G, I'm not sure) which definitely ups the "need to see it" factor, IMO.

If you can't stop thinking about it, see what their return policy is. Show it to your boyfriend. See if he likes it. If he does, order it! If it isn't everything you thought it'd be, send it back.

Honestly, though, I think your safest bet to happiness would be to put an ideal cut RB into a white gold, engraved, antique setting. This way, you get maximum sparkle with the gorgeous, older look you're going for. Faycullen.com has TONS of them (as does this site, but I'm not sure if I've read much good about them on PS).

Is your boyfriend frustrated because you keep changing your mind, because he has to put the ring together, or because you two keep talking about it? Been there for two of 'em. If in your heart, this is really what you want (a diamond in an antique setting vs. whatever else you've been considering), I'd find your ideal stone and your antique setting. Put them on his desk, forget about it, and see what he does.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide!

 

[E B]

I completely missed that you said you''d tried an antique setting on before! Was it an OEC, or was it an antique "style" ring?

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/13/2006 3:52:31 PM
Author: EBree
I completely missed that you said you'd tried an antique setting on before! Was it an OEC, or was it an antique 'style' ring?

It was an original OEC in a late 1920's ring. And truthfully I loved it far more than the channel set x-prong. Although that may have partly due to the diamond. I can't remember all of the specs, but for a $4k .75 carat diamond, you'd think I'd like it more. (That's the price after I subtract the cost of the setting and side diamonds at 1,600.)
At least on this site (aer.com I mean, not ps), I don't think I've seen an OEC with a v.good cut. (I'm a bit obssesive and check the site daily.)

 

[E B]

From antiqueengagementrings.com:

What is the return policy?
All items shipped have a 30 day 100% money back guarantee. If you receive item and don''t like for any reason, call or email for return shipping instructions. There is no fee or penalty for returning any item. Item must be returned in same condition as received. If any sizing, setting, or alterations are done on the ring by anyone other than myself, ring cannot be returned.

If you truly loved the OEC and think that this ring might be the one, see what BF thinks about ordering it! He might be relieved.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/13/2006 4:14:17 PM
Author: EBree

If you truly loved the OEC and think that this ring might be the one, see what BF thinks about ordering it! He might be relieved.

Hmmmm. Maybe I should bring it up. We''ve got a hot tub booked for tonight at the Japanese spa, so I could always wait until he''s super relaxed and mellow.

There is nothing on this planet better for melting away stress than a secluded wooden hot tub outdoors in the cold clear mountain air with a view of the stars framed by fragrent pine trees. heh heh heh *evil chortle*.

Part of the problem is that he has this idea fixed in his head that he''s going to pick out the perfect ring and surprise me with it. What is it with men?

So you guys think that this ring is worth, ah, leaning on him a little?

 

[E B]

Date: 2/13/2006 4:49:46 PM
Author: Wren

So you guys think that this ring is worth, ah, leaning on him a little?

Definitely. If I were you, I'd tell him you'll still love anything he chooses, but you found a ring that's perfect in almost every regard (and it's in your size!). It's a great price for what it is, and if you BOTH decided it was for you, it'd make you so, so happy. Print out the online page (with all contact info listed), put it on his desk and don't speak of it again. If he knows he could get you a ring you loved without question, I bet he'd do it.

Keep us updated!

 

[firebirdgold]

Ooooh! Excellent phrasing. Hope you don''t mind if I use it word for word!

I''m not terribly articulate.

I love this ring sooooo much. I hope the fact that it was returned once already doesn''t mean that there is anything wrong with it, just that it was meant for me!

 

[JDgirl]

I'd talk to him about it. An F (or even G) color in an OEC or transitional cut (which this one leans toward IMO) is so rare and wonderful! Don't worry about the good/good, most OECs seem to be good/good at the most (and can still be rated the equivalent of a class 1 with good/good). I think it's a stunning ring, and it would be sad to not at least mention it to him. He wants to get you something you love, so at least this would allow him to see what you love. Good luck!

 

[MelissaSue]

The ring is BEAUTIFUL.. my .95 carat OEC with lower color (Mines an I-J) appraised for about the cost of that whole ring, I''m not sure what the difference in size/color does to value on OECs.. but it certainly doesn''t seem like a BAD price! I LOVE my OEC. They are definitely different than RBs.. but I wouldn''t say any less impressive!!!

 

[MelissaSue]

P.S. You are lucky I don''t have $3K laying around.. becuase that ring is really tempting me!

 

[FireGoddess]

If the ring was there, then gone, then there again, then it had to be returned, which means there is a return policy in place. I''d see what it is, and if you love the ring, talk to your BF about it and see if getting it and checking it out in person is a possibility. If it''s not truly what you love, it can be sent back.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/13/2006 5:29:40 PM
Author: MelissaSue
P.S. You are lucky I don''t have $3K laying around.. becuase that ring is really tempting me!

BAD MELISSASUE!!! Don''t you Dare!!

I snapped and called Leigh. He said that the diamond is eye-clean and it is a very secure setting. (I was worried the prongs might be worn down). And Apparently some guy had put a deposit on it and eventually changed his mind. But they do have a good return policy.

So tonight''s plan of attack is: A salad Nicoise with lightly grilled Yellowtail Tuna followed by a long soak in a hot tub under the stars.
Keep your fingers crossed!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 2/13/2006 7:20:26 PM
Author: Wren

So tonight''s plan of attack is: A salad Nicoise with lightly grilled Yellowtail Tuna followed by a long soak in a hot tub under the stars.
Keep your fingers crossed!

I''m sorry, but where in this plan is the mention of the hypnotism when you tell your boyfriend to call AER and get your ring??!?!?!!?!?

 

[firebirdgold]

About half way through our tub time.

Some good fish + hot tub = mellow and hopefully agreeable bf!

 

[firebirdgold]

Uh OH! He just found out his mortgage went up even more than it was supposed to!

How can I bring it up now?

I want to hunt down that stupid motgage broker and set fire to her! While he was pages into signing his mortgage they said "oh by the way, you can''t sell your house for three years without a huge penalty and in two years your mortgage might go up a point or so". Might? Excuse me while I break into hysterical laughter. This was, of course, just 6 months before we met. Argh!!!

 

[anchor31]

Oh, I''m sorry to hear that!

I felt the same when my dear boyfriend lost his job two days after he gave me his 2006 timeframe... Thankfully things are back on track now.

My advice would be to let the mortgage thing die down a little before talking rings, but I understand you''re anxious about the ring getting bought by someone else...

I''m not quite sure what you should do!

 

[firebirdgold]

He's not ready to get married. That's the only possible translation.
I brought the ring up while we were relaxing in the tub and he asked how much it was. After I told him it was $2650, he said that he hadn't saved near that much. In fact he's only up $500 since I last heard about it in August!

It's now the same as one month's mortgage payment (the new version). I'm obviously not a very high priority, somewhere far below a new grateful dead boxset or a new ipod or a new video game!
I know that there have been some unexpected expenses like a new frig and all, but still! And I know he still has debts, but what I'm asking for is a quarter of the 'industry recommendation'.
So mentally projecting out this rate of saving for what I have presumed was our rough wedding date next year, I suggested again that we just get really nice wedding rings. His response was a) No, I want to get you an engagement ring, and b) 'What's the hurry?'????? WTF??!? Well I guess there goes getting married next January when he's free from his mortgage and can sell his house. If he thinks he's moving in with me without us being very very very close to being married, he is very much mistaken.

I know he loves me and wants to marry me someday.... But he clearly is not ready to do so now. This is hurtful. I wish he wouldn't say stuff about getting married if he's not ready to actually do it!

 

[rainbowtrout]

I think maybe men think "soon" means "sometimes in the next few years when I get around to it," in general. I don''t know, but it seems rare that guys really have a fire under their but to get the whole thing done in a few months.

Do you know his timeline for major purchases? I''m lucky in that DB is very predictable with them; 3 months almost to the week with all his major items. So I''m thinking he will *start* the buying process 3 mos after his PS thread.

Maybe his timeline for major items is more like a year?

Or, maybe he''s just being an insensitive jerk...although if you haven''t told him it pisses you off, I dunno if you can be angry about it. Men REALLY don''t have ESP.

 

[Jelly]

Wren, I''m so sorry!!!

You should let him know how you feel. Such as, don''t bother to get my hopes up by talking of marriage and then asking me "what''s the hurry?!!!"

 

[firebirdgold]

When it came to his house and his car, I think his timeline was more like a week than three months.

Telling him I'm upset won't improve matters, it'll just make him feel resentful, and make me feel like I'm being a materialistic b$$$h. And why have an argument on valentines day when he's making my favorite dish that takes an hour and a half? And maybe I'll stop being so upset in a couple of days and regain my perspective.

I'm such a hypocrite. I told him that he could dip into the savings if he needed to, yet I'm horribly hurt that's all he has saved. A ring doesn't show how much he loves me, yet I feel under-valued. What is wrong with me?

If he's not ready, he's not ready. The only thing I can do is drop the subject. Of course due to a severe lack of self control, that will entail a total boycott of the entire marital subject around him. Who knows, maybe he'll eventually notice that I'm no longer asking about his sister's wedding, or talking about my sister's wedding, or his best friend's wedding. *sigh*

Probably not.

I'm trying to tell myself that the ring is not the only lovely ring in the world, and that it just means that it's not the ring for me. And that he'll get me something even nicer. Somehow this is not working.

Speaking of a severe lack of self control, my new year's resolution is taking a freaking hiatus. I'm finding myself a pack of ciggs and some ice cream!

Then I'm going to re-read the super sweet email he sent me the other day telling me how lucky he is to have me in his life. I absolutely will not fantasize about hitting him repeatedly with a nerf baseball bat.

 

[E B]

Wren,

I'm so sorry. Things like this happen to everyone. We're in a bit of a dry period ourselves, so I know how you and your boyfriend are feeling. Is money the issue regarding the engagement ring, or would he just rather wait until ____? If money IS indeed the only issue, perhaps you could show him some low cost e-ring options that could become RHRs (or even a wedding band). Does this sound like something you'd want to do?

Maybe if you told him an engagement ring is important, but being his fiance is SO much more important, he'd start to feel a little better about the money situation and together, you could find alternatives. Just a thought. Men are weird about money.

 

[firebirdgold]

I have said repeatedly that I do not need an engagement ring. And that there are distinct benifits to not having one like getting really nice matching bands. He''s not biting.

I am really trying so hard to respect his privacy, but can I just say that I am not talking two months worth of take home pay here. He''s a research-level computer programmer, for G''s sake. Even though we (he) were not planning on getting engaged until he finishes his phd in a couple of months, I thought that was only because he has too much on his plate to look for rings let alone think about planning for a wedding! Now it just feels like an excuse!

Being upset about this makes me feel so shallow. It''s not the dollar amount, it''s that it makes me feel like I''m a low priority for him right now. Talk about shallow, he''s getting a couple k tax refund back and is planning on using it to wipe out some debt, and I had this little voice inside me saying ... well, you know what it was saying.

But OTOH I really should be more patient. Tomorrow.... er... today is only our 1.5 year anniversery. That''s not very long all things considered. Even if I do have more grey hair every time I look in the mirror. Come to think of it, the best protest I could do would be a temporary hair die. He hates the idea and loves my hair the way it is. He also occasionally leans over and says ''Wow look at all that grey hair!" with an evil grin. Have I ever mentioned that his favorite pasttime is teasing me?

So what do you think, a month of auburn hair?

 

[E B]

Date: 2/14/2006 1:49:46 AM
Author: Wren
I have said repeatedly that I do not need an engagement ring. And that there are distinct benifits to not having one like getting really nice matching bands. He's not biting.

Not biting, eh? I don't know your boyfriend, and I feel I might be throwing out suggestions you've already addressed, but I will anyway because it's late and I'm chatty

. Do you think he's against the idea of "matching bands" because he doesn't feel that one would be good enough as an engagement ring? If almost anything you love would do, perhaps you could show him something affordable and not refer to it as a band, but rather as an engagement ring you were eyeing as an alternative to the antique choice? Do you think he'd bite then? Maybe if you showed him an e-ring AND the actual wedding band you'd get to go along with the e-ring (a plain, WG band or something similar), he'd understand that an e-ring doesn't always have to be a big honkin' solitaire.

Or...a month of auburn hair just might do the trick.

ETA: If i'm at all reaching, ignore me! I just know how you're feeling and want to help in any way I, a stranger, can. Sometimes offering a perspective outside of the situation can help.

 

[firebirdgold]

Oh, he seems fine on the matching w-band concept. It's the w-band only thing he's not going for. He's just firm on getting me an e-ring. I guess he knows how much I love jewelry, and it's important to him to surprise me with a lovely e-ring. Although my sister just got engaged this weekend and she doesn't want an e-ring at all, wants to marry barefoot with no fuss, no dress, and no flowers! He overheard me and made a comment about "no ring and no flowers? I'm marrying the wrong sister!" (Mind you, she does want a special outfit and she's going to get married in Tuscany this summer!)

I just don't know what to think anymore.
Ok, a comprehensive over-view:
Fors: 'I want to marry you, I'm looking forward to marrying you, I can't wait to call you my wife, I'm upset my sister's boyfriend proposed first, I'm upset she's getting married before us and all the family will go to her wedding, Don't worry about money, I make good money I can buy you a nice ring, Don't listen to me when I complain about money, If only I could sell my house sooner so we could get married sooner, Please tell me what you like in rings, Oh great now your sister is getting married before us too!"

Previous Againsts: "I want to wait until my parents get back from vacation so I can tell them as soon as it's official (June), I'm really stressed right now why do I have three students? (July) I'm going to be finishing my phd next fall and I don't want to be getting married and preparing my defense at the same time (Augest), My sister will have a fit if we tell people now (September), I want to ask your father in person first... opps he's left town again (September-October), We can't get married until I can sell my house (November on), $3000 for a ring??? (November), I want to talk to both of our parents in person at the same time first (December)"

Current Againsts: "I have to finish my phd first and I don't want to squeeze something as important as ring shopping in while I'm so stressed and distracted (January), I can't handle planning a wedding until this is over (so far big improvements) (January), Opps I've only saved $550 more since August but I'm sure I'll be able to start saving again in a few months when my gas bills go down, What's the rush?".


I give up. I have a wonderful guy who makes me happy (excepting this subject), and I'm very lucky. I do believe that he does want to marry me sometime in the future. I'm just going to enjoy the wonderful relationship we have now and forget about the whole thing.
Although if he ever again mentions anything about wanting to marry me without having either a ring in hand or a knee on the floor, one of us is sleeping on the couch that night! I just can't take it!
And I'll be kind and wait until after valentine's to die my hair.

 

[Jelly]

ARGH!! How frustrating! I wish I could give you some advice. Seems like this guy is full of excuses and is a big talker.

Is he like this in other parts of his life? Does he make empty promises and talk big but never follow through?

I don''t know you two as a couple, but he sounds like he''s not making you very happy with all these empty promises.

 

[firebirdgold]

Not at all, He''s usually the complete opposite! I have so much respect for him, as does everyone who knows him. Professionally he never ever promises more than he can deliver, and usually goes much farther! There''s a good reason that he''s at the top of his field and extremly sought after even before he''s finished his phd which is practically a technicality! And he is so ethical and honorable that it can be imtimidating to some people. He''s also generally sweet, thoughtful and sincerly wants me to be happy. That''s why this is totally baffling.

All I can figure is that he really does want to get married, but just isn''t ready. So he subconciously comes up with delays. I get the feeling that he''s totally unaware he''s doing this. I don''t even think he understands why I''m upset. After all we are going to get married (eventually), and he is saving for a ring, so why am I upset?

I swear it''s like trying to explain flying to a mole. And he probably thinks it''s like trying to explain digging in the ground to a fish!
I''m actually starting to suspect that he''s more scared of planning the wedding than actually being married!

But the important part is him, not a ring or anything else. Other than this issue we have a wonderful relationship, and it''ll work out eventually. Worst case, the rash of weddings this summer and fall will give him a nudge. As will having a few months to adjust to the freedom from grad school stress.