Am I a Brat because I want the Bling?

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

My BF and I met is college. We have been together for the last 5 years and for the last three of those years we have been long distance (I was in Law School. I graduated in May and took the Bar in July).

Several months ago we had a big discussion about figuring out where to live. We decided to relocate to the East Coast from the West Coast. He got a job first and moved there two months ago. I am moving there after I get bar results next month. We are going to live together for the first time...

We have talked about marriage often. I have made it clear that I don't just want to move into together that I expect that he will be proposing in the next 6 months.

One of the our biggest fights is over the ring. My BF doesn't understand my obsession with bling. Since I was a little girl I have always cared more about my ring than planning a wedding. My thought is I would rather focus on the things that should last the marriage and the ring not just one day (the wedding day).

My BF thinks that I am unrealistic about a ring. I want a 2 carat+ Round Brilliant or Cushion with a simple thin prong or pave band in platinum or rose gold. I want several bands to stack to bling it up or down depending on the occasion.
I have done lots of research and talked with several vendors. I understand to get the ring I want it will cost at a minimum $6,000k.

He thinks that my focus on the ring is troubling. He says that he should be able to buy a band and I should be happy with it.

I obviously love him and want to marry him but I don't understand why he is so adamantly buying the ring of my dreams. I am frustrated and sad...

I am wondering if I am being a brat or am I justified in my Bling Dreams?

 

[MissGotRocks]

There is nothing wrong with wanting a large ring - the problem lies with whether or not he can afford it or whether the two of you will agree to spend a lot of money on a stone. $6000 most likely won't get you an extremely well cut one carat stone so if that is a price threshold, you might well have to downsize your expectations. It is, however, a great budget for a ring. At the top of the page, put in a two carat size stone with varying colors and clarities and see what dollar range you are in. You might be shocked.

I will say though that most people did not start out with a two carat stone as it is a large outlay of cash. You could look for a stone from one of the vendors that offer a great trade up policy and let the diamond grow as the years go by.

I would also recommend going to try on different stone sizes. Sometimes people are drawn in by what something sounds like - a two carat stone - as opposed to what a say 1.3 size stone actually looks like on your hand. In that vein, you might be pleasantly surprised!

 

[SapphireLover]

The ring you are describing is not a $6000 ring, its at least a $30,000 ring to get a good stone, that's before you have your diamond bands and setting.

 

[zoebartlett]

This has GOT to be fake. Right?

 

[MissGotRocks]

http://www.whiteflash.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut-loose-diamond-2564443.htm This is a nice color and clarity stone with very nice cut. You can see from this how costly a two carat stone can be.

Best of luck with your shopping - be sure and post whatever you and your boyfriend decide upon!

 

[Lottie]

If you push and push your boyfriends comfort zone to the limit on the first ring he buys you, and then hit him with a list of stacker bands to add to your ring is he going to feel resentful that you fought so hard to get what you want and is it really worth the fight? I am assuming that if money was very tight you would be happy with just a band?

You will be married for the rest of your life - could you not compromise and buy something you are both comfortable with from someone with an upgrade policy. Perhaps the stacker bands could be an anniversary present a few years along the line, or something you collect yourself along the way?

Sometimes its better to relax and wait a while. The beginning of your engagement should be a really special time for both of you.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Thanks for the Post with Information
Post by SapphireLover » 02 Oct 2011 13:50
The ring you are describing is not a $6000 ring, its at least a $30,000 ring to get a good stone, that's before you have your diamond bands and setting.

http://www.whiteflash.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut-loose-diamond-2564443.htm This is a nice color and clarity stone with very nice cut. You can see from this how costly a two carat stone can be.


I understand that at $6,000k minimum that I won't be getting the perfect diamond. I assume that I will be getting a warmer colored stone (M or lower color grade) with a SI2 clarity. I have found a few rings on IDNID and DBL that are under $10k.

I thought about this stone not sure of what it will be like....
http://www.solomonbrothers.com/DiamondComparison.aspx?cookieCheck=true

 

[Circe]

This has GOT to be fake. Right?

Sounds plausible to me, especially if she talked to mall vendors, people who listed total carat weight, or people a couple of years ago before prices went through the roof ....

So, Tiff: no, I don't think you're a brat, but I do think that, a) it can be hard to explain a bling obsession to somebody who doesn't share it, and, b) it can be especially hard when it comes to engagement rings, as they're so closely intertwined with notions about love and acceptance and "for better and worse" and all that jazz.

I think you need to explain to your boyfriend that your wanting to marry him and your wanting a nice ring are two different things that just happen to intersect on this social signifier. You would marry him no matter what: but you happen to want a nice ring. And since you also want to marry somebody who wants to make you happy ... Gordian knot.

BTW, as SapphireLover and MissGotRocks have already said, as much as we all wish it were possible to get a decent two carat for 6K ... not these days. One carat, maybe. Alternately, if you want a blingtastic look, perhaps it might be worth considering getting engaged with a really gorgeous 5 stone or eternity band (which you can then stack with anniversary rings), and save the Big Rock (TM) for a day when he's acclimated to your hobby, and you have the cash to indulge it?

 

[Amys Bling]

The ring you are describing is not a $6000 ring, its at least a $30,000 ring to get a good stone, that's before you have your diamond bands and setting.

My thoughts exactly. I think OP may need to do a lot more research on stones and rings- and then come to terms with budget and size constraints.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Lottie UK Thanks I know you are right...
I don't want to push him beyond his limits. I would happily take a band if that is all he could afford. I love him and love the life that we will share together. At the end of the day that is the most important thing.
However, I do feel resentful because I feel that this isn't a new conversation. We have been talking about marriage for the last 3 years and If he had been more prepared he would have been saving money for the ring.

 

[zoebartlett]

Circe -- fair enough. It just seemed so unrealistic.

PPT -- I hope you're able to find something that you love, something that fits into your boyfriend's budget.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Post by Circe » 02 Oct 2011 14:14

Written by Zoe » 02 Oct 2011 13:53:This has GOT to be fake. Right?



Sounds plausible to me, especially if she talked to mall vendors, people who listed total carat weight, or people a couple of years ago before prices went through the roof ....

So, Tiff: no, I don't think you're a brat, but I do think that, a) it can be hard to explain a bling obsession to somebody who doesn't share it, and, b) it can be especially hard when it comes to engagement rings, as they're so closely intertwined with notions about love and acceptance and "for better and worse" and all that jazz.

I think you need to explain to your boyfriend that your wanting to marry him and your wanting a nice ring are two different things that just happen to intersect on this social signifier. You would marry him no matter what: but you happen to want a nice ring. And since you also want to marry somebody who wants to make you happy ... Gordian knot.

BTW, as SapphireLover and MissGotRocks have already said, as much as we all wish it were possible to get a decent two carat for 6K ... not these days. One carat, maybe. Alternately, if you want a blingtastic look, perhaps it might be worth considering getting engaged with a really gorgeous 5 stone or eternity band (which you can then stack with anniversary rings), and save the Big Rock (TM) for a day when he's acclimated to your hobby, and you have the cash to indulge it?

This is exactly how I feel. I am torn because of my expectations. But I love my guy and can't imagine not marrying him. I suppose the next best thing is to have some yummy eternity band.

 

[kenny]

Be a brat.
Embrace it.

Each of us is a combination of lots of stuff.
It's okay.

 

[Lula]

Lottie UK Thanks I know you are right...
I don't want to push him beyond his limits. I would happily take a band if that is all he could afford. I love him and love the life that we will share together. At the end of the day that is the most important thing.
However, I do feel resentful because I feel that this isn't a new conversation. We have been talking about marriage for the last 3 years and If he had been more prepared he would have been saving money for the ring.

I'm wondering if this might be what's really bugging you?

 

[slg47]

I don't think you're a brat for wanting a ring...that is perfectly normal. However, you have to find a solution that makes you and your BF happy. Maybe explain why the ring is so important to you, and come up with a plan for getting one that meets both of your needs? one idea is to look for a vendor with a good upgrade policy, if you want to upgrade the ring in the future?

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Lottie UK Thanks I know you are right...
I don't want to push him beyond his limits. I would happily take a band if that is all he could afford. I love him and love the life that we will share together. At the end of the day that is the most important thing.
However, I do feel resentful because I feel that this isn't a new conversation. We have been talking about marriage for the last 3 years and If he had been more prepared he would have been saving money for the ring.

I'm wondering if this might be what's really bugging you?

You may be right. It feels a bit of a slap in the face that he is digging in his feet about the ring. I have never hid what I wanted (he has known for 5+years). But at the end of the day I would rather have him than a ring.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

I don't think you're a brat for wanting a ring...that is perfectly normal. However, you have to find a solution that makes you and your BF happy. Maybe explain why the ring is so important to you, and come up with a plan for getting one that meets both of your needs? one idea is to look for a vendor with a good upgrade policy, if you want to upgrade the ring in the future?

That is a great point. That is why I liked DBL. Has anyone bought from DBL and traded in items? How was the process?

 

[swingirl]

I think what your bf doesn't like is you demanding a certain size when he isn't even be ready to propose.

 

[Gypsy]

I think what your bf doesn't like is you demanding a certain size when he isn't even be ready to propose.

This.

Also how about compromising on a stone you can upgrade? WHEN he's ready to propose that is. These days you can't even get a decent one carat for 6,000. Well unless all you care about is size and not about quality and sparkle.

 

[Aerix]

I just want to add, that if you are looking for an older cut diamond and you look hard on eBay or a few places, you can sometimes find one for around 6k. Granted, it will not be ideal cut, but it is still possible to find one around that price range. JBEG (Jewels by Erica Grace if you haven't heard of them) has this one up for $6250: http://www.jewelsbyericagrace.com/antique_vintage_and_reproduction_rings_page_2
http://jewelsbyericagrace.smugmug.c...n-Cut-Diamond/15736805_7Bm73#1183072892_RL6zx

I can sympathize with you about wanting to get married with a big ring. As others have said, you will have to come to some sort of compromise between you and your future fiance. I don't think you're being a brat for wanting a certain size diamond, however I don't think it should be an expectation (especially if he doesn't have the money) or requirement in order to get engaged.

 

[Imdanny]

Be a brat.
Embrace it.

Each of us is a combination of lots of stuff.
It's okay.

Yes, embrace your inner brat-ness. It's so true that each of us is a combination of lots of stuff. I love this Walt Whitman quote: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then. I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes."

OK, having said that, first, I don't think a $6,000 2 ct diamond is going to look good, there is nothing I could put together for a 2 ct. diamond ring for $6,000 that would remotely meet my personal "mind clean" standards.

Second, I think wanting him to buy "several" diamond band rings is probably not something he has an interest in doing, at least right now, because there isn't (leaving aside the expense for a moment) a cultural category like "engagement ring" or "wedding band" or even "anniversary ring" that these could be fit into.

Finally, I would, and again, just going from what little I can read in these few posts, humbly submit that if you are upset, as you said, that he didn't save money for this, I think... I'm just not sure what to say about that. I don't know the facts of his and your financial life enough to comment, but in general, saving up for a 2 ct diamond, a wedding ring, and "several" diamond band rings is, actually, more than what a person might expect to have to do, and on the other hand not buying any engagement ring would seem unusual to me.

 

[Imdanny]

the Big Rock (TM)

LOL!

 

[iheartscience]

What does he think is an appropriate amount to spend? Has he actually proposed an alternate budget? If he hasn't he may just be using the $6k amount to stall the engagement. If he proposed an alternate budget of say, $3k, why don't you just make up the difference? Problem solved. When you move in/get married his money will be your money and vice versa.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

What does he think is an appropriate amount to spend? Has he actually proposed an alternate budget? If he hasn't he may just be using the $6k amount to stall the engagement. If he proposed an alternate budget of say, $3k, why don't you just make up the difference? Problem solved. When you move in/get married his money will be your money and vice-versa.

Most of our friends (about 6 couples) that are married or engaged the guys have spent from $900-3200. The ladies have received rings between .5-1 carat rings in a variety of clarity and color ranges. He thinks that he should spend around the same as his friends and has stated an alternative budget around $4000. I would happily personally make up the difference but he would take that as the ultimate insult. I think to keep the peace I will have to settle and get a eternity ring as suggested by other members.

 

[slg47]

What does he think is an appropriate amount to spend? Has he actually proposed an alternate budget? If he hasn't he may just be using the $6k amount to stall the engagement. If he proposed an alternate budget of say, $3k, why don't you just make up the difference? Problem solved. When you move in/get married his money will be your money and vice-versa.

Most of our friends (about 6 couples) that are married or engaged the guys have spent from $900-3200. The ladies have received rings between .5-1 carat rings in a variety of clarity and color ranges. He thinks that he should spend around the same as his friends and has stated an alternative budget around $4000. I would happily personally make up the difference but he would take that as the ultimate insult. I think to keep the peace I will have to settle and get a eternity ring as suggested by other members.

$4000 is definitely a sizable amount of $$. Is he open to the idea of upgrading later? If so I would go with someone who has a great upgrade policy. If not...then just enjoy what you get and maybe later on get an anniversary ring or RHR.

 

[Circe]

What does he think is an appropriate amount to spend? Has he actually proposed an alternate budget? If he hasn't he may just be using the $6k amount to stall the engagement. If he proposed an alternate budget of say, $3k, why don't you just make up the difference? Problem solved. When you move in/get married his money will be your money and vice-versa.

Most of our friends (about 6 couples) that are married or engaged the guys have spent from $900-3200. The ladies have received rings between .5-1 carat rings in a variety of clarity and color ranges. He thinks that he should spend around the same as his friends and has stated an alternative budget around $4000. I would happily personally make up the difference but he would take that as the ultimate insult. I think to keep the peace I will have to settle and get a eternity ring as suggested by other members.

If it's any consolation, I'd probably be a bit miffed, too, if what my social circle had dictated what I could get. I mean ... I'm the most bling-loving of anybody I know! Sort of stands to reason that I/we allocate more of the budget to bling - certainly, less of it goes to decorating, clothing, etc. BUT it does at least sound like he's trying to acknowledge that by raising the established bar. You can get a really awesome eternity band for 4K. And, in the future, if you decide to buy a nice solitaire for yourself? Perhaps then he will rethink this position that there's something wrong with your desires qua your relationship and realize that you do really just like shiny things ....

 

[iheartscience]

What does he think is an appropriate amount to spend? Has he actually proposed an alternate budget? If he hasn't he may just be using the $6k amount to stall the engagement. If he proposed an alternate budget of say, $3k, why don't you just make up the difference? Problem solved. When you move in/get married his money will be your money and vice-versa.

Most of our friends (about 6 couples) that are married or engaged the guys have spent from $900-3200. The ladies have received rings between .5-1 carat rings in a variety of clarity and color ranges. He thinks that he should spend around the same as his friends and has stated an alternative budget around $4000. I would happily personally make up the difference but he would take that as the ultimate insult. I think to keep the peace I will have to settle and get a eternity ring as suggested by other members.

Okay well that's just ridiculous on his part. If this is important to you AND you're willing to pay the difference, I don't see his problem. I wouldn't be too excited about moving in with someone so unwilling to compromise.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Be a brat.
Embrace it.

Each of us is a combination of lots of stuff.
It's okay.

Yes, embrace your inner brat-ness. It's so true that each of us is a combination of lots of stuff. I love this Walt Whitman quote: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then. I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes."

OK, having said that, first, I don't think a $6,000 2 ct diamond is going to look good, there is nothing I could put together for a 2 ct. diamond ring for $6,000 that would remotely meet my personal "mind clean" standards.

Second, I think wanting him to buy "several" diamond band rings is probably not something he has an interest in doing, at least right now, because there isn't (leaving aside the expense for a moment) a cultural category like "engagement ring" or "wedding band" or even "anniversary ring" that these could be fit into.

Finally, I would, and again, just going from what little I can read in these few posts, humbly submit that if you are upset, as you said, that he didn't save money for this, I think... I'm just not sure what to say about that. I don't know the facts of his and your financial life enough to comment, but in general, saving up for a 2 ct diamond, a wedding ring, and "several" diamond band rings is, actually, more than what a person might expect to have to do, and on the other hand not buying any engagement ring would seem unusual to me.

Love the Walt Whitman Quote I know for a ring under $10k I am not going to get perfection. But I just want something sparkly and pretty. I also didn't expect the various bands right away (hoped to get a collection over time). I guess the thing about this post has really highlighted to me is that I am bitter that he hasn't saved for the ring. We have talked about rings for years. I assumed that he would have at least $4000k saved by this time (the budget he told me he wanted to keep the ring at two years ago)...instead he has nothing saved and is making me feel bad about what I want because he hasn't prepared. I think this is the root of the argument. I appreciate the comments.

 

[yennyfire]

If the real issue is that you're upset that he didn't save the $$ required to get you the ring you've been telling him you want for 5 years, then I'd be more concerned about the obvious lack of communication. It's one thing to have a conversation saying "this is what I want" and him saying "I hear you, but I am not able to do that right now, but I hope to be able to do so at some time in the future" or "I hear you, but I think that's ridiculous and I'm not prepared to spend $15K on a ring". The fact that it sounds like you have different expectations about the way to spend/save $$ makes me nervous. Money (whether you have a lot or a little) can be a tricky issue in a marriage if you're not on the same page. I'd want to make sure that you are on the same page before you move across the country.

 

[Verdy]

I think what your bf doesn't like is you demanding a certain size when he isn't even be ready to propose.

Definitely this. You simply can't expect him agree to something he might not even be close to having. Remember, you're both young and if you do marry each other, you will have the rest of your lives to save up and upgrade if you wish to do so. Have you thought about going out and window shopping with him to get an idea of what you two could combine? Try on a couple of sizes, different types of bands, etc. Just be sure that you will both be happy and that this ring wont' be a symbol of resentment between you two. Best of luck!