Am I a Brat because I want the Bling?

[zoebartlett]

PPT, I owe you an apology. My first post was rude and maybe I read it the wrong way. I'm sorry.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

PPT, I owe you an apology. My first post was rude and maybe I read it the wrong way. I'm sorry.

Thanks for the apology

 

[Kaleigh]

I wouldn't say you are a brat, you want a nice ring. That may come with time. My DH knew I wanted a nice ring, and waited a long time for it. I was like you, had it all planned out, ring and all...

I would just try to get him to understand this isn't what you need now... Hopefully he will get that...Or understand it. nd once you have the ability to get it he will be happy to do so...

To many it's all about the ring. That's a big mistake.

 

[AnneinGA]

PPT,

We have been talking about marriage for the last 3 years and If he had been more prepared he would have been saving money for the ring.

So I have a few questions. *We* have been talking about marriage or *you* have talked about it and he has listened.

What else are you resentful that he is not doing to your standards?

I don't mean to be harsh. This situation, and what you are saying screams issues far greater than the size of a ring. Control, control control. He doesn't understand why you want a larger stone. You want what you want. Where is the compromise? One one hand, is the stone more important than the commitment, and on the other hand, if it's what you want why doesn't he want you to have it?

I urge you to look at the bigger picture. This comes from personal experience.
hugs to you.

 

[MissStepcut]

It sounds like your expectations are outsized relative to your financial realities. Why don't you both start saving as of today, and both provide half? This would reduce his sticker shock, and help you understand how hard it really is to save a 4-figure sum.

ETA: maybe agree on a budget proportional to each of your income. Then when it's all said and done, it might make sense for him to buy the setting and you the diamond or vice versa.

 

[JewelFreak]

Nothing wrong at all with wanting a gorgeous ring. Wanting it when you want it isn't always the most realistic of expectations, though. The ring issue could really be another issue -- for you, "if you love me you'll prove it by buying it for me;" for him, "it's a big chunk of a budget with a lot of other calls on it, I want a say too in how we spend our money." Talking calmly about where to allocate cash will give him a feeling of better control & you a chance to explain your desire. (Hint from MUCH experience : Don't Cry! You lose the argument the minute you do. Stay reasonable & calm even if he disagrees -- men cope much more easily that way.)

He's a guy, for Pete's sake -- they rarely understand a passion for sparkly things. (Our fantastic PS men excepted!) Flying halfway across the country for a football game is a good use of money; a ring? Nawww. If he's anything like my DH, he heard you the past 5 yrs but didn't really listen. It was all far in the future.

Finishing law school, a transcontinental move, setting up a residence together, new jobs, all involves heavy spending. He could be a bit nervous about that & about living together for the first time: he's been on his own for xxx years, how to compromise on big issues & how much to compromise. Maybe that is in your mind too. Natural. It takes time to wear down the rough edges.

Get what you both feel comfortable with, then upgrade later as the others advise. You dreamed of a certain kind of ring -- it will be FAR more pleasing to you if acquiring it doesn't require a battle. Each additional piece of it will be a chance for him to show his love -- in the time to come. Let him get there.

--- Laurie

 

[MissStepcut]

My BF and I met is college. We have been together for the last 5 years and for the last three of those years we have been long distance (I was in Law School. I graduated in May and took the Bar in July).

Several months ago we had a big discussion about figuring out where to live. We decided to relocate to the East Coast from the West Coast. He got a job first and moved there two months ago. I am moving there after I get bar results next month. We are going to live together for the first time...

We have talked about marriage often. I have made it clear that I don't just want to move into together that I expect that he will be proposing in the next 6 months.

One of the our biggest fights is over the ring. My BF doesn't understand my obsession with bling. Since I was a little girl I have always cared more about my ring than planning a wedding. My thought is I would rather focus on the things that should last the marriage and the ring not just one day (the wedding day).

My BF thinks that I am unrealistic about a ring. I want a 2 carat+ Round Brilliant or Cushion with a simple thin prong or pave band in platinum or rose gold. I want several bands to stack to bling it up or down depending on the occasion.
I have done lots of research and talked with several vendors. I understand to get the ring I want it will cost at a minimum $6,000k.

He thinks that my focus on the ring is troubling. He says that he should be able to buy a band and I should be happy with it.

I obviously love him and want to marry him but I don't understand why he is so adamantly buying the ring of my dreams. I am frustrated and sad...

I am wondering if I am being a brat or am I justified in my Bling Dreams?

You say he has had his first job for 2 months and that you want a proposal in another 6... how realistic is your expectation that he would have the money saved by then?

Do you have a job lined up, or are you expecting him to support you both until you do? Do you have student loan debt? Maybe he's just nervous that you're not being responsible with money generally. It's okay to be bratty about bling as long as you can afford it, e.g., have an emergency fund, the rent is paid, you're both employed, etc.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

I wouldn't say you are a brat, you want a nice ring. That may come with time. My DH knew I wanted a nice ring, and waited a long time for it. I was like you, had it all planned out, ring and all...

I would just try to get him to understand this isn't what you need now... Hopefully he will get that...Or understand it. nd once you have the ability to get it he will be happy to do so...

To many it's all about the ring. That's a big mistake.

I think is the compromise we will have to make...but you understand I am girl I want what I want. lol. But Honestly I want him and the marriage more.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

It sounds like your expectations are outsized relative to your financial realities. Why don't you both start saving as of today, and both provide half? This would reduce his sticker shock, and help you understand how hard it really is to save a 4-figure sum.

ETA: maybe agree on a budget proportional to each of your income. Then when it's all said and done, it might make sense for him to buy the setting and you the diamond or vice versa.

Thanks for the great idea Not sure if the guy will got for it but it may be worth a shot.

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Nothing wrong at all with wanting a gorgeous ring. Wanting it when you want it isn't always the most realistic of expectations, though. The ring issue could really be another issue -- for you, "if you love me you'll prove it by buying it for me;" for him, "it's a big chunk of a budget with a lot of other calls on it, I want a say too in how we spend our money." Talking calmly about where to allocate cash will give him a feeling of better control & you a chance to explain your desire. (Hint from MUCH experience : Don't Cry! You lose the argument the minute you do. Stay reasonable & calm even if he disagrees -- men cope much more easily that way.)

He's a guy, for Pete's sake -- they rarely understand a passion for sparkly things. (Our fantastic PS men excepted!) Flying halfway across the country for a football game is a good use of money; a ring? Nawww. If he's anything like my DH, he heard you the past 5 yrs but didn't really listen. It was all far in the future.

Finishing law school, a transcontinental move, setting up a residence together, new jobs, all involves heavy spending. He could be a bit nervous about that & about living together for the first time: he's been on his own for xxx years, how to compromise on big issues & how much to compromise. Maybe that is in your mind too. Natural. It takes time to wear down the rough edges.

Get what you both feel comfortable with, then upgrade later as the others advise. You dreamed of a certain kind of ring -- it will be FAR more pleasing to you if acquiring it doesn't require a battle. Each additional piece of it will be a chance for him to show his love -- in the time to come. Let him get there.

--- Laurie

I L-O-V-E your post. This is exactly what is going on! He has flown across the country for football games or footed lots of bills for nights out with the guys. I have have cried and lost out on the argument...I can argue in court but when it comes to him I start crying like a baby.
The reality of my finishing law school lit a fire under him and that is why he got a better job and moved across that country. I guess I assumed that with big changes...he was prepared to buy the ring. I think getting something we both are comfortable with maybe the best way to keep the peace Thanks for the intuitive post!

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

My BF and I met is college. We have been together for the last 5 years and for the last three of those years we have been long distance (I was in Law School. I graduated in May and took the Bar in July).

Several months ago we had a big discussion about figuring out where to live. We decided to relocate to the East Coast from the West Coast. He got a job first and moved there two months ago. I am moving there after I get bar results next month. We are going to live together for the first time...

We have talked about marriage often. I have made it clear that I don't just want to move into together that I expect that he will be proposing in the next 6 months.

One of the our biggest fights is over the ring. My BF doesn't understand my obsession with bling. Since I was a little girl I have always cared more about my ring than planning a wedding. My thought is I would rather focus on the things that should last the marriage and the ring not just one day (the wedding day).

My BF thinks that I am unrealistic about a ring. I want a 2 carat+ Round Brilliant or Cushion with a simple thin prong or pave band in platinum or rose gold. I want several bands to stack to bling it up or down depending on the occasion.
I have done lots of research and talked with several vendors. I understand to get the ring I want it will cost at a minimum $6,000k.

He thinks that my focus on the ring is troubling. He says that he should be able to buy a band and I should be happy with it.

I obviously love him and want to marry him but I don't understand why he is so adamantly buying the ring of my dreams. I am frustrated and sad...

I am wondering if I am being a brat or am I justified in my Bling Dreams?

You say he has had his first job for 2 months and that you want a proposal in another 6... how realistic is your expectation that he would have the money saved by then?

Do you have a job lined up, or are you expecting him to support you both until you do? Do you have student loan debt? Maybe he's just nervous that you're not being responsible with money generally. It's okay to be bratty about bling as long as you can afford it, e.g., have an emergency fund, the rent is paid, you're both employed, etc.

I want to clarify that my BF had a job at the same company for 4 years when he lived on the West Coast in Finance. He now has a better position/job on the East Coast also in finance...As for the financials we are both able to pay our own bills. I don't have a job on the East Coast but I expect to within a short time.

 

[MissStepcut]

I want to clarify that my BF had a job at the same company for 4 years when he lived on the West Coast in Finance. He now has a better position/job on the East Coast also in finance...As for the financials we are both able to pay our own bills. I don't have a job on the East Coast but I expect to within a short time.

Ah, okay. I didn't understand that he has been working a while. I am a 2L so I am pretty familiar with the state of the legal economy, and if I don't have a summer associate position that has turned into a permanent offer by the time I graduate, there's just no way I would want to have my future husband shelling out for luxury goods. It's rough out there if you don't have an offer in hand at graduation.

 

[cookies]

Your boyfriend sounds like my DH. When we were e-ring shopping, he made it clear that he wouldn't want to spend over $1k on a ring. But luckily, we found a pretty ring in a local store that was going out of business. It has halo and pave, and cost only $600 (after 80% off the original price). We both love the ring AND the price.

Big blings are hard to resist, I know. I have been there. But try not to push him too hard on the ring matter. Perhaps you could get an upgrade for the 2-year anniversary, or something like that. Also, since it is your first time living together, you might soon find yourself disagreeing with him on other matters too. It would be a good idea to work on those matters first, than worry about the ring.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think you need to separate the ring issue from becoming engaged. If you are a bling lover, it is unfortunate for that love and desire to be tied up in all the other emotions that come with getting engaged. Get engaged with whatever the heck he wants to buy, perhaps, but let him know you will want a large diamond *oen day* to wear, and then buy it when you can afford it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

no,your not being a brat...nowadays 2ct are the norm...

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Your boyfriend sounds like my DH. When we were e-ring shopping, he made it clear that he wouldn't want to spend over $1k on a ring. But luckily, we found a pretty ring in a local store that was going out of business. It has halo and pave, and cost only $600 (after 80% off the original price). We both love the ring AND the price.

Big blings are hard to resist, I know. I have been there. But try not to push him too hard on the ring matter. Perhaps you could get an upgrade for the 2-year anniversary, or something like that. Also, since it is your first time living together, you might soon find yourself disagreeing with him on other matters too. It would be a good idea to work on those matters first, than worry about the ring.

You understand my pain. lol. This thread made me understand what I was really upset about (he hadn't saved the money for the last two years). But at the end of the day I still love the guy and want to be with him

I literally just off the phone with my bf. He told me that he is concerned about all the things we need to do in the next few months (new apt and furniture) and he doesn't want to disappoint me

He basically said the he doesn't to spend the money right now. He wants to wait until we are more settled. He came up with the plan of buying my wedding band first and giving me the engagement ring at our wedding (likely in late 2012 or 2013).

The longer we are in a relationship the more I understand that men are more complicated than women Instead of being more up front about his financial concerns he kept them to himself. At the end of the day he does want to make me happy and that is the most important thing. Thanks again everyone

 

[Fly Girl]

We went ring shopping together when we decided to get engaged, and ended up with a tiny diamond, because that is what he could afford. The big bling came many years later, but it did come. That is true of a lot of the rings here...first e-rings are often modest in size.

Good luck to the two of you. The key to a lasting relationship is compromise, and this is a good start.

 

[yssie]

Your boyfriend sounds like my DH. When we were e-ring shopping, he made it clear that he wouldn't want to spend over $1k on a ring. But luckily, we found a pretty ring in a local store that was going out of business. It has halo and pave, and cost only $600 (after 80% off the original price). We both love the ring AND the price.

Big blings are hard to resist, I know. I have been there. But try not to push him too hard on the ring matter. Perhaps you could get an upgrade for the 2-year anniversary, or something like that. Also, since it is your first time living together, you might soon find yourself disagreeing with him on other matters too. It would be a good idea to work on those matters first, than worry about the ring.

You understand my pain. lol. This thread made me understand what I was really upset about (he hadn't saved the money for the last two years). But at the end of the day I still love the guy and want to be with him

I literally just off the phone with my bf. He told me that he is concerned about all the things we need to do in the next few months (new apt and furniture) and he doesn't want to disappoint me

He basically said the he doesn't to spend the money right now. He wants to wait until we are more settled. He came up with the plan of buying my wedding band first and giving me the engagement ring at our wedding (likely in late 2012 or 2013).

The longer we are in a relationship the more I understand that men are more complicated than women Instead of being more up front about his financial concerns he kept them to himself. At the end of the day he does want to make me happy and that is the most important thing. Thanks again everyone

That is a great idea! That way you get the surprise proposal (if you want one), you get the sentimental engagement piece, and you get a beautiful, equally meaningful wedding piece that you can choose/design together without all the 'it must all be a surprise!!' drama of the engagement You get some time to save for the big bling, and after living together you'll have a better idea of how your combined finances will play out, what your goals and priorities are as a couple...

I'm glad to hear you guys talked and better understand where the other is coming from

 

[Imdanny]

Laurie, I love your post too. You say it takes time to smooth the rough edges. After almost 20 years I'm here to tell you this is so true!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Maybe you two can start a savings account for the ring. That way, you can quietly make some deposits without having to talk to him about it! I totally understand your desire to get a ring you love. But sadly, diamonds have gone up incredibly in the past year. You DO want a well cut stone (excellent or ideal cut), trust me. Poorly cut stones often look smaller than their weight, so you really get what you pay for. And in reality, if you are going for something like a round brilliant, you probably won't want to go below I-J SI1.

Here is an example of a really incredible deal, because this diamond weighs a minute amount below 1.5 cts. which avoids a price jump at 1.5:

http://www.whiteflash.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut-loose-diamond-2673407.htm

But as you can see, even at I SI1, you are talking about $11,761 (pricescope wire price) just for the diamond. A one carat well cut J SI1 will run around the $6000+ range just for the stone. I highly recommend vendors such as Good Old Gold, WhiteFlash, and Brian Gavin who have excellent trade in policies so that perhaps for a later anniversary you could trade up to a larger stone. Prices are high right now, and I would not buy without a trade in policy because you could really lose money trading later otherwise if prices dropped.

Would you consider a halo setting? That is the way many people choose to get the look of a larger e-ring.

http://www.whiteflash.com/engagement-rings/diamond-settings/grace-diamond-engagement-ring-by-vatche-256.htm

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

We went ring shopping together when we decided to get engaged, and ended up with a tiny diamond, because that is what he could afford. The big bling came many years later, but it did come. That is true of a lot of the rings here...first e-rings are often modest in size.

Good luck to the two of you. The key to a lasting relationship is compromise, and this is a good start.

Thanks for the sweet post. I guess its nice to hear that the big bling will come later

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Your boyfriend sounds like my DH. When we were e-ring shopping, he made it clear that he wouldn't want to spend over $1k on a ring. But luckily, we found a pretty ring in a local store that was going out of business. It has halo and pave, and cost only $600 (after 80% off the original price). We both love the ring AND the price.

Big blings are hard to resist, I know. I have been there. But try not to push him too hard on the ring matter. Perhaps you could get an upgrade for the 2-year anniversary, or something like that. Also, since it is your first time living together, you might soon find yourself disagreeing with him on other matters too. It would be a good idea to work on those matters first, than worry about the ring.

You understand my pain. lol. This thread made me understand what I was really upset about (he hadn't saved the money for the last two years). But at the end of the day I still love the guy and want to be with him

I literally just off the phone with my bf. He told me that he is concerned about all the things we need to do in the next few months (new apt and furniture) and he doesn't want to disappoint me

He basically said the he doesn't to spend the money right now. He wants to wait until we are more settled. He came up with the plan of buying my wedding band first and giving me the engagement ring at our wedding (likely in late 2012 or 2013).

The longer we are in a relationship the more I understand that men are more complicated than women Instead of being more up front about his financial concerns he kept them to himself. At the end of the day he does want to make me happy and that is the most important thing. Thanks again everyone

That is a great idea! That way you get the surprise proposal (if you want one), you get the sentimental engagement piece, and you get a beautiful, equally meaningful wedding piece that you can choose/design together without all the 'it must all be a surprise!!' drama of the engagement You get some time to save for the big bling, and after living together you'll have a better idea of how your combined finances will play out, what your goals and priorities are as a couple...

I'm glad to hear you guys talked and better understand where the other is coming from

Thanks for the comment. This had been heavy on my mind for the last couple of days that is why I posted the thread. I have been overwhelmed by the thoughtful word of PS members and the great conversation with the BF. My frown was turned upside down.
I love that this is the best allows me to get the proposal without and eventually the bling without giving up what we both want I am really excited!!!

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Maybe you two can start a savings account for the ring. That way, you can quietly make some deposits without having to talk to him about it! I totally understand your desire to get a ring you love. But sadly, diamonds have gone up incredibly in the past year. You DO want a well cut stone (excellent or ideal cut), trust me. Poorly cut stones often look smaller than their weight, so you really get what you pay for. And in reality, if you are going for something like a round brilliant, you probably won't want to go below I-J SI1.

Here is an example of a really incredible deal, because this diamond weighs a minute amount below 1.5 cts. which avoids a price jump at 1.5:

http://www.whiteflash.com/loose-diamonds/round-cut-loose-diamond-2673407.htm

But as you can see, even at I SI1, you are talking about $11,761 (pricescope wire price) just for the diamond. A one carat well cut J SI1 will run around the $6000+ range just for the stone. I highly recommend vendors such as Good Old Gold, WhiteFlash, and Brian Gavin who have excellent trade in policies so that perhaps for a later anniversary you could trade up to a larger stone. Prices are high right now, and I would not buy without a trade in policy because you could really lose money trading later otherwise if prices dropped.

Would you consider a halo setting? That is the way many people choose to get the look of a larger e-ring.

http://www.whiteflash.com/engagement-rings/diamond-settings/grace-diamond-engagement-ring-by-vatche-256.htm

I have noticed that diamond prices have shot through the roof. I would be interested in getting a 1.5 carat ring if it was right. I really like GOG, WF and BG but with our limited budget I thought I could really get what I wanted. I guess now it doesn't matter and I should look at those vendors for bands Thanks!

 

[Gypsy]

Keep checking this site... here's an example of the deals to be found: http://www.diamondbistro.com/category/216/Natural-Diamond-Center/listings/18005/16-Ct-Diamond-Ring-from-the-Facets-Collection.html

 

[PreppyPeppyTiff]

Keep checking this site... here's an example of the deals to be found: http://www.diamondbistro.com/category/216/Natural-Diamond-Center/listings/18005/16-Ct-Diamond-Ring-from-the-Facets-Collection.html

Thanks for the heads up

 

[phoenixgirl]

I understand why you would be upset that he hasn't been saving, or that he feels that $6k is too much to spend on something that is important to you. However, I personally find the idea that you have to have a 2 carat diamond when you are young and don't sound like you have a lot of savings or are dating somebody with lots of savings or a high income (totally assuming here - you just didn't mention being able to contribute to the e-ring) to be a bit unrealistic. I think the suggestion of getting an affordable and high quality stone from a vendor where you can trade up sounds like a good fit for you.

At the end of the day, relationships are about compromise. I would do my best to see it from his point of view (the golden rule, ya know) and the hope he does the same. You definitely want to be with someone who wants to make you happy.

And maybe this isn't about the ring at all? Maybe it's more about his readiness (or lack thereof) to take that next step right now?

I think your options are either to ask him what he feels an appropriate budget is and change your expectations accordingly, or to say, it's the $6k ring or bust and be OK with waiting until he has saved up that amount. Or you could say you'll contribute half and both start saving.

Certainly we all understand wanting the bling, and you shouldn't feel bad about that, but I guess my main point is that you need to operate within the reality of your current situation. And personally I would rather have a well cut diamond that I could upgrade rather than a clarity-enhanced or mediocre diamond. My husband's aunt bought herself a giant diamond at a mall store that must not have been very expensive, and it wasn't attractive at all. But you and your boyfriend being happy is really the most important thing.

 

[Imdanny]

And personally I would rather have a well cut diamond that I could upgrade rather than a clarity-enhanced or mediocre diamond. My husband's aunt bought herself a giant diamond at a mall store that must not have been very expensive, and it wasn't attractive at all.

This.

Some people will buy a visibly included, cloudy, dead diamond, just to get the size.

And sometimes it's so obvious that's what they've done.

I'd rather have quality over quantity, and especially for jewelry. The point of jewelry to me is that it's supposed to be fine, not big at all costs.

I still remember a teacher I had in elementary school who used to show off her big, visibly included diamond, and brag about how it was "real."

 

[Scorpioanne]

Lottie UK Thanks I know you are right...
I don't want to push him beyond his limits. I would happily take a band if that is all he could afford. I love him and love the life that we will share together. At the end of the day that is the most important thing.
However, I do feel resentful because I feel that this isn't a new conversation. We have been talking about marriage for the last 3 years and If he had been more prepared he would have been saving money for the ring.

You say you don't want to push him beyond his limits and you love him and the life you have together and you realise that at the end of the day that is the most important thing. This is completely true and I am going to say that if you truly wanted to get the ring you have set your heart on you should have been saving as well to contribute towards the ring you want. I think it is totally unrealistic to have expectations of getting such an expensive ring but to expect that you partner will pay for it completely. There is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful ring but you should put your money where your mouth is, after all you will be wearing it not him.

 

[luv2sparkle]

If he really can't afford it, and doesn't want to go in debt for it,(a good plan), then you really have no right to expect it. Just like you would have no right to expect a 4000 sqft. house if you both couldn't afford it. Pushing it is a bad way to start out a life together.

If you are really not happy with what he has to give you then find a new guy. Otherwise, you will be struggling with these kind of issues
your whole life. He will feel nothing he does for you is good enough. Better to talk/negotiate these things now and struggle with it later.

I do think demanding a 2 ct. ring is a bit bratty.

Most people start out with a much smaller stone, and a bigger stone comes later. I consider mine my years of service award

 

[partgypsy]

I think pricescope is a great place to both confess (of our bling longing) and also to get some real world reflection. Some girls dream about their wedding dress or their wedding, and others about what kind of engagement ring they will have. In all these cases, the fantasy of what one wants, has to merge with the reality of the person you are with, what they want, and what is affordable. It sounds like your guy is willing to move a little (saying that most people you know had smaller budgets, and he was willing to up it a little). Very very few people off the bat can afford a 2 carat ring. Many of the big rings you see on here are upgrades or anniversary gifts which came years later. If I was in your position, I would again, just buy the nicest diamond you can for that price, and get a simple setting for the amount the budget is. Maybe if you wait a year he will be able to up it a little. Then at a 5 year or 10 year anniversary maybe you can upgrade, when there is not all this pressure of moving and other expenses. The other option is to again wait a year, save the pennies and try to find a good deal on a resale ring at that time. If you do that, you can get more bling for your buck, but it won't be upgradable.

Most people don't understand the obsession and you shouldn't expect them to. You just need to make it work out between you and your future husband.