Am I being selfish? Please help!

[Maria D]

Date: 7/3/2007 7:00:29 PM
Author: Phoenyx
Ok... put yourself in my shoes... Look at it from a bride''s perspective. Would you have wanted a wedding that things fell apart? The only loving moment in my wedding is when my father and I danced and he told me he was proud of me. My husband even admitted to me that he thought that because this was his second marriage, he didn''t want a wedding and was happy that I thought it was a disaster.

NEATFREAK: The signature at the end of my post is correlated with my name Phoenyx. I feel like you are wrong. A bride shouldn''t have to be running around worried about people who didn''t have their acts together on her wedding day.

Why shouldn''t I be upset?

Also, EBREE, I have been diagnosed with a rare disease and do not know if I will be around in 5 or 10 years. My grandmother is 80 years of age and I have no pictures of us on my wedding day.

I never expected for my day to be perfect but somethings were uncalled for.

Putting myself in your shoes, with a rare disease that could cut my life short in a mere 5 to 10 years and a new husband who is *HAPPY* (?!) about my bitter disappointment, I would get an annulment post haste. How can you concentrate on the marriage instead of the wedding when you are married to someone who is happy that you thought the wedding was a disaster? How is having *another* wedding going to fix the fact that your husband didn''t want a wedding in the first place?

 

[littlelysser]

Just wanted to pop in and say that I understand that you may be upset by the way things turned out, BUT it is over. You are married. No one's wedding is perfect. Every wedding I've been to has had some MAJOR disaster at some point...but that isn't what anyone remembers.

I guess I've never understood the "dream wedding" concept. I'm marrying the love of my life and my dearest friends and family will be there. I guess that is what really matters...you know? We are getting married in my friend's back yards...and I HOPE it doesn't rain...but if it does, we'll make that work too.

The fact that your hubby is happy you think the wedding was a disaster is pretty awful. Perhaps some of your bitterness about what happened relates to his reaction to all of this?

And finally...don't get angry about people's responses. You asked for opinions and you received them...

And if you have your heart set on a party, have a killer first wedding anniversary party.

 

[cara]

First thought:
Are you transfering some of your anger or frustration with your husband or family members onto the wedding? Cause all these complaints related to your husband are about him not taking the wedding seriously: leaving the rehearsal to deal with his mother, not thinking its important cause its his second wedding, thinking its fine that the wedding was a disaster. Which really amounts to him not valuing YOU appropriately, if he doesn''t respect things that are important to you.

Second thought:
Not to pile it on, but some of the things that went wrong were really related to poor planning. A day of coordinator would have helped. Did you screen your vendors appropriately? One vender having a freaky screw-up is one thing, but it seems like you had serious problems with several vendors. And if you are going to DIY (makeup, etc) you need to really have a generous timeline, stuff prepared well in advance, and know yourself and the people around you will be up to being calm and organized in the thick of things.

Third thought:
some of the stuff you are complaining about is really petty. stickers on the rings still? who cares! Dress gets a bit dirty? Comes with the territory.

Bottom line:
Even if all your complaints were legitimate, I don''t think that a second wedding solves anything. For one, your guests came and celebrated your wedding. What on earth would your second invitation say? "Thanks for coming to our first wedding, but since a bunch of logistics went wrong, please come to our second wedding where we will try to get the logistics right even though we are legally married and you came to our initial celebration."

You need to address the extent to which your husband was unsupportive of something important to you (the wedding) but otherwise let it go and focus your energies on something else. Yes it sucks that you might not make it to having a fabulous vow renewal at your 30th anniversary, but there are many other things to focus on in life in the meantime. best of luck.

 

[Pandora II]

I run events as part of my job. The largest is a Ball for 350+ people in a top London venue each year with entertainers, bands etc etc

I have a committee, an assistant and an entire hotel team to help me, not too mention a big budget and 3-4 months to plan it down to the last detail. Every person working in any capacity on the night gets a ten page running order that spells out what happens when, where and by who.

Every year something goes wrong and every year I swear this will be the year that a) it''s perfect and b) I will actually have fun.

I doubt it will ever happen.

How can you expect that a event that you are running for the first time, with a team of people who are friends and not professionals will be perfect in every way. You probably didn''t even anticipate some of what went wrong.

You deserve an explaination from those vendors who failed to provide the product that you had paid for - ie clean floors, proper tablecloths etc; but I think you have to move on from the situation.

I think it would be very odd to redo a wedding - and would kind of take away from the actual point which is after all the vows and not the party.

My main worry though is that you are with a man who doesn''t make your happiness a priority - and by that I don''t mean saying lets have another wedding. but by hearing your sadness and reassuring you, making you feel validated and loved.

My FI has had to put up with my breaking down and crying for 2 hours after every major event (my way of letting off steam) and going nuts over placecards where the writing isn''t centred properly

; he would never make out that I am over-reacting or that he''s happy I''m upset.

My advice - stop beating yourself up over it and focus on the good bits.

 

[Maisie]

Can I just offer a different perspective here?

I was married 2 years ago. My wedding day went perfectly. Nothing went wrong. Yet my husband and I are renewing our vows next year. I shall explain why.

I gave birth to twins in 2004 (11 months before the wedding). My daughter was still-born. We decided to get married and I went headlong into arranging a perfect wedding. This took my mind away from the excruciating pain I felt every time I thought about my baby.

A month after the wedding was over I had a break down. I couldn''t think speak, eat, sleep or function properly. The wedding planning had just prolonged the grief process. I couldn''t remember the wedding day or anything we did. My husband and I separated because it was just too hard. We were apart for 6 months.

We got back together and decided to get ''engaged'' again. We wanted to have memories not connected with the loss of Madison. We will be flying out to Jamaica next year in October to renew our vows. Just the two of us because thats what its about. Us two re-commiting our lives to each other. I know this might sound weird to you but to us it makes perfect sense.

We won''t celebrate the original wedding anniversary. We wanted a new start. As I said it won''t be a wedding celebration. It will just be two people in love who have healed somewhat since the last wedding.

If you really feel that you don''t have special memories then the two of you should go away and do it in private somewhere. Have a special holiday and incorporate the ceremony.

Good luck

 

[surfgirl]

I think Maisie''s solution is perfect!

 

[zdrastvootya]

Well, I''m speculating (I don''t know what went on during the planning), but it sounds like husband is harbouring some resentment to what he might have viewed as "bridezilla" behaviour.

It''s no fun realizing that the wedding is more important than you (the husband) are. I think brides sometime lose sight of things, getting caught up in the desire for a "perfect" wedding and all the stresses of planning such an event.

I wish you the best for your health issues.

Z.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/4/2007 1:14:18 PM
Author: littlelysser

The fact that your hubby is happy you think the wedding was a disaster is pretty awful.

I just thought about that too.

Phoenyx, I hope we didn''t run you off. People are just hoping to give you some different view points to help you out. If venting about wedding things helps, vent away by all means. And seriously, is your husband actually HAPPY that you are upset or are you sort of just reading into things/ blowing his emotions out of proportion a little? Because if he IS actually getting any form of joy as a result of your unhappiness, then I am terribly sorry because you definitely do NOT deserve that sort of treatment. A second wedding is a little unrealistic, but kindness and compassion from your husband is something you ought to be able to just expect.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I am sorry that so many things went awry on your special day.

I get your quote . . . the phoenix rises from the ashes . . . I think it''s quite fitting and inspirational.

Well, it sounds to me like you''re more upset with your husband''s not validating your feelings than the actual day itself. If it''s just that you''re upset about how it didn''t go as planned, then decide what you can do to make yourself happy . . . anniversary celebration, "Wedding Take Two" party on Labor Day, etc.

If it''s that your husband doesn''t understand your perspective, then that''s something for both of you to work on now that you''re married.

I''m at my sister''s right now after the birth of her second child. When her first was born, I expected my husband to drive the 90min/2 hours to see her. It was the Thursday night at the beginning of a three day weekend for him. He wanted to play golf. I thought he was being horribly selfish and was embarrassed to tell my family that my new husband was playing golf instead of being with us. He did come, but our argument about it was horrible.

This time around, we''ve learned how to worry more about the other person than ourselves. He assumed he was coming and made plans to do so, and I assumed he wasn''t and told him he didn''t have to. We had to learn that lesson the hard way the first time around. It''s much better to look out for each other than ourselves. But it takes time to figure that out. And sometimes you need your spouse to say, "I love you, and I''m sorry you''re disappointed, but you''re overreacting." That''s love too.

My personal opinion is that you just need a romantic night with your husband. You said that you felt the only loving moment was with your dad. You also seem to have some tension with your husband''s family. I think you two need to get away from everything and go somewhere special to reaffirm your love for each other. That''s what''s important, as I''m sure you know, especially since your time may be limited.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I agree that a second "big" wedding (with guests, etc.) is probably a bit unrealistic, particularly if your husband didn''t want a wedding in the first place. I also second the concerns expressed about his reaction. If he''s really rubbing this in, I would be concerned about spending the rest of my life with him. I will, however, assume that he is just engaging in a little immature "I told you so" and isn''t actually a mean person. You absolutely have a right to be disappointed in both the way things turned out and in his reaction. That said, being someone who clearly has had difficulties come up, such as your illness, you already know all too well that life doesn''t always go as planned. I do understand that you feel you can''t just "get over" it, but I don''t think that trying to have another full-fledged wedding is the solution. If what you really want is to put on the perfect "show" for friends and family, I think you might find a lot of resistance from both friends and strangers to the idea of a wedding do-over. Nor do I think that your friends who were slackers the first time are going to get any better about taking care of wedding things -- they are only going to get annoyed. On the other hand, if what you really missed out on was the "magic" and romance that should have been there (rather than stress and anxiety) as you and your husband were married, what might help both you and your husband move past your disappointment and his distaste for the whole proceeding is to plan something for just the two of you. I think if you present the idea to him that you didn''t get to share your vows in the way you wanted, and would like to renew/re-do your vows with just him, no big production, in a romantic and stress-free setting (whatever is romatic for you two -- beach, cruise, mountaintop, country club, sailboat, vegas, horseback, lakefront...), he would be way more receptive and might even understand your disappointment a little better. This would also mean that your "do-over" wouldn''t include any interfereing/distracting parents or in-laws. This is the best way I can think of to ease your disappointment and get your marriage off to a less dischordant start. Good luck.

 

[Kit]

Maisie, your story is quite touching and I don''t think it''s weird at all!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Apologies for hijacking the thread, but I''m so sorry you went through such grief Maisie. You seem like such a happy person - sorry to hear of such sorrow. I hope you have a perfect day when you renew your vows.

Jen

 

[omieluv]

Phoenyx - Not sure if you are still reviewing responses to your thread, but I just wanted to say that you are entitled to your feelings, we all are, even if others agree or disagree. Everyone reacts to situations differently, it is part of makes us who we are. I agree, I think the place that held your event should be held responsibile for not meeting agreed terms in the contract. I also agree that what your husband said to you was wrong. The photographer would have irritated me as well. As for the other stuff, yes, that stinks too!

You mentioned your wedding took place in April, right? It has been over 3 months since this occured and it is evident you still feel negatively toward the situation. As I said before, we are all entitled to our feelings, however, if our negative reactions overshadow the good in life, that is when things start getting unhealthy. What steps have you taken to resolve these feelings? I ask because sometimes when we are upset, one thing you can do is to take action. Have you talked with the people at your venue, perhaps you could get your services discounted? Have you had a conversation with your photographer to come up with a creative solution? Granted, taking action will not make it all better, but by doing something, you can start to heal from this experience, which is crucial, given your physical health problems. What I think is most important is to speak with your husband and talk about the comment he made to you, as I am speculating you are harboring much resentment toward him for this, which as you know is not healthy for your relationship, which again is not healthy for you!

I am guilty of this behavior, just as many people are, so I am not pointing a finger at you. Had I been in your situation, I would have been furious and probably would have let the negative shadow the positive. This is a learned behavior and something I need to work on for my own sanity!

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Maisie]

Thankyou Kit and Mrs Mitchell for your kind words

I was wondering where Phoenyx has gone. If you are there will you let us know how you are feeling?