Am I being unreasonable? Please help...

[Demelza]

Hi all,

I have a family/wedding related situation on which I need some unbiased feedback. Here''s the situation:

I am from Los Angeles, but currently live near Seattle. My wedding, however, will be in LA in June. My parents and sister still live in LA. On May 7, my friends are throwing me a shower in Los Angeles. I''m very excited and more than happy to make the trip down to celebrate with my friends. The problem is, a friend of my mother''s wants to throw me a shower as well. This is a woman I haven''t seen or spoken to for at least 10-12 years. I was never close to her as a teenager (saw her maybe 3 times a year) nor do I like her very much. She told my mom that she would like to throw a party for the "grown-ups" (i.e. my mother''s friends). I will know only 2-3 women at the shower. The rest are complete strangers. Moreover, the woman throwing the shower has never once contacted me personally; all communication has been through my mom. Needless to say, I am not very excited about this. The worst part is that the shower is a week before the shower with my friends. That means I have to travel to LA much earlier than I normally would and spend about 10 days there. This is longer than I can afford to be away from home for several different reasons, not the least of which is the fact that staying with my parents that long will be emotionally trying. I''ve suggested moving the shower to May 8, the day after the shower with my friends, but my mom thinks that is unreasonable because it''s Mother''s Day. I''ve also suggested moving it to June, right before my wedding. My dad said that it would be "insulting" to ask my mom''s friend to move the shower to accomodate my schedule. If I still lived in LA, I would simply grin and bear it. But I don''t. Every time I talk to my parents about this, I hang up the phone feeling like a bad, ungrateful little brat. When I talk to my friends or fiance about it, I feel like my feelings are legitimate. I know I would feel better if my parents would at least understand where I''m coming from, but I feel like they are so worried about hurting this woman''s feelings, that my feelings become irrelevant.

What do you all think? At this point, I''m not sure I have a choice in the matter, but I''d love to hear how you might handle a similar situation. Thanks!!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/22/2005 5:40

1 PM
Author:Demelza

I''ve suggested moving the shower to May 8, the day after the shower with my friends, but my mom thinks that is unreasonable because it''s Mother''s Day. I''ve also suggested moving it to June, right before my wedding. My dad said that it would be ''insulting'' to ask my mom''s friend to move the shower to accomodate my schedule.

As an adult, it is up to you to exercise your discretion and judgment on your scheduling abilities, and to nicely but firmly convey those to your family.

Since you''re parents opened the door on what''s "reasonable" and not, I personally feel it''s "unreasonable" to think it''s ok to throw a shower for you more than 1100+ miles from where you live and expect you to be available at their whim. Being that far away means you have to commit to an entire weekend away from home, not just a few hours.

It''s also incredibly rude and "unreasonable" to expect you to incur additional expense to travel on a separate weekend for this shower. Nor is it reasonable or terribly practical for them to expect you to spend more than a week away from home just to avoid that cost.

Her wanting to throw you a shower is a very gracious gesture, but if it''s done on an "only-on-my-terms" basis, I''d politely decline. Regarding your parents, I''d tell them: "I think it''s more insulting to simply decline than it is to try suggesting alternatives that would make it possible for me to attend.....because that''s what''s gonna happen otherwise.

If your father is that concerned with insulting the friend, then he can pony up the cost of the airfare for you to fly to LA and back the weekend before.

 

[movie zombie]

My dad said that it would be "insulting" to ask my mom''s friend to move the shower to accomodate my schedule

excuse me?! you didn''t ask this woman to throw you a shower/party...did your mother? sounds more like an excuse for the older women of the family and family friends to get together for a party. if everyone was really serious about this, you would have been asked 1-if you''d like such a party and 2-what would be convenient for you. and even if your dad paid for the trip down and back, you may not have the time, energy, or inclination to attend.

often times older family friends do want to do something special. but this doesn''t sound special, it sounds like an intrusion.

perhaps just a brief thank you note to the woman in questions ''thanking'' her for thinking of you at this special time but, unfortunately, you won''t be able to attend due to other commitments at home, that you''re sure she will understand that this is a very hectic and emotional time in your life and that you look forward to seeing her at the wedding. short, simple, and sweet. re mom and dad: ignore what they say...could just be a control issue to see if they still have your loyalty or if you''ve really become an adult.

peace, movie zombie

 

[sjz]

This idea of your mother''s friend does seem to be an imposition on you. Especially in light of the fact that you live so far away, and your own friends are already throwing you a shower at a different date and time. If I were in your position, I''d ask your mother''s friend to conduct the shower for you in abstentia. I suspect the real reason for the shower is an excuse for your mother''s friend to have a party with HER friends (which include your mother). Your impending wedding just gave her a good excuse for doing so. Be very gracious and thank her for the lovely gesture, but explain that it is simply impossible for you to travel to LA on that date, but you''d hate to spoil her plans if she and your mother want to go ahead with the shower.

I actually didn''t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move the date of her shower to be closer to that of the shower your friends are giving you. If she is unwilling or unable to do that, or conduct the shower without you, then that''s her problem...not yours. I think your parents are being unreasonable in their attitude about this, btw. This is YOUR wedding, and YOUR shower. Why should you have to accomodate someone else?

 

[diane5006]

That bummer...and in my opinion rude of the women to plan something without consulting you/your mother re logistics...

If she hasn''t already planned it...have your mom (it her friend) call her and explain that you won''t be able to make that weekend...but wouldn''t it be nice if we could get together for a fun brunch...

Or if it is already planned

Is there some polite way for you to still get out of it..."oh no something came up at work and I can''t leave"...

If you absolutely have to go...try to make it fun fo ryourself...if stating wiht your folks is stressful (I feel your pain) then perhaps you can spend some time wiht friends...or treat yourself to a hotel...even the cheaper ones...are pretty nice...ahhh the privacy

 

[tanuki]

You shouldn''t have to stay 10 days in LA just for a baby shower.

Your mother, who failed to ask you when it would be convenient for you to be there (knowing that you live in a different city) and communicate that information to her friend before the friend planned the date for the shower should pay to fly you in for the shower and fly you back out to Seattle the next day.

 

[sparklish]

Do you work? Can you just tell her that there's no way you can take that much time off? Or perhaps you can say that you have something in Seattle that week? Personally, I think it's unreasonable that she won't change the date, and it's inconsiderate of your parents. Is there a law against having a shower on a weekday?

Then again, if your parents are making a major financial contribution to your wedding, maybe you should just deal with it. (I DON'T think you're being unreasonable. But unfortunately, being reasonable doesn't mean everyone else will be.)

I guess it all comes down to whether you think the fall out will be worse from you refusing now, or having to spend 10 days in LA later. Is this a battle you want to fight? Is there anyway you can break up your trip? Say take a trip to Vegas with some old friends during the week?

 

[Christy42]

Just like any shower the guest of honor needs to be there so the scheduling is something you should have been privy to. You have every right to say, "I''m sorry, that won''t work, lets try ____."

The only showers I''ve ever seen thrown without the guest of honor''s input were a surprise......

 

[Demelza]

Thank you all SO MUCH!! I can't tell you how much it means to hear that I'm not being the bratty child my parents seem to think I am. I do have to clarify one point, however, which may or may not change your opinions: when my mom initially told me that this woman wanted to throw me a shower, I clearly said that this was not something I wanted to do and would there be a way out. My mom did not think it would be possible without hurting her feelings. After talking to lots of other people about it, however, I realize that there would have been a gracious way to bow out, but I suppose my mom didn't want to or didn't feel she was able to decline (I suspect the former). My mother did ask me what day would work and, at the time, the 1st of May was okay. But as many of you know, it is sometimes difficult to coordinate the schedules of everyone involved in the wedding. Everything got pushed forward a week (my shower with my friends, meeting with the officiant, the tasting, hair/makeup trial run, etc.). These are things that HAVE to happen and so the original date of my mother's shower became extremely inconvenient. Now, my fiance and I can't even travel together because he absolutely CAN'T be away from home for that long. So, now here we are.

Truly, it is so helpful for me to hear that I'm not being unreasonable or a brat. I think my perception of myself gets so skewed through my parents that it's hard to remember that there are other perspectives out there. Like it is okay to say no sometimes. Like you don't always have to accomodate to other people's wants and needs at the expense of your own.

I'll let you all know what happens over the next few days as travel plans must be made. Thanks again!!!!!!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/23/2005 12:35:48 AM
Author: Demelza
Thank you all SO MUCH!! I can't tell you how much it means to hear that I'm not being the bratty child my parents seem to think I am. I do have to clarify one point, however, which may or may not change your opinions: when my mom initially told me that this woman wanted to throw me a shower, I clearly said that this was not something I wanted to do and would there be a way out. My mom did not think it would be possible without hurting her feelings. After talking to lots of other people about it, however, I realize that there would have been a gracious way to bow out, but I suppose my mom didn't want to or didn't feel she was able to decline (I suspect the former). My mother did ask me what day would work and, at the time, the 1st of May was okay. But as many of you know, it is sometimes difficult to coordinate the schedules of everyone involved in the wedding. Everything got pushed forward a week (my shower with my friends, meeting with the officiant, the tasting, hair/makeup trial run, etc.). These are things that HAVE to happen and so the original date of my mother's shower became extremely inconvenient. Now, my fiance and I can't even travel together because he absolutely CAN'T be away from home for that long. So, now here we are.

I'm sorry to say this, but this full accounting does change my viewpoint a bit.

The time for you to politely decline was THEN....when the topic first arose. That was the time to say "What a nice gesture; I really appreciate her thoughtfulness, but my time here in LA is limited and I need to prioritize getting these weddings tasks accomplished in that time. Perhaps we could have a get-together after the wedding." Instead, you succumbed to pressure from your folks then and subsequently agreed to the attending the shower and agreeing to that date - the first weekend in May.

Plans were put into motion based on your agreement. That's a different scenario than originally presented.

I think the key lies in why the plans were changed to the following weekend. If it largely was because your friends' decided to move up the date of their shower, then I can see why your parents are feeling upset. I might have tried to move the friends shower to June in that case.

If it was because your appointments for tasting/officiant couldn't be scheduled on that first weekend in may, then Il think it's reasonable to say to your parents, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience I know this is causing, but it's really beyond my control. When I agreed to this date, I anticipated that my meeting with the officiant, tasting, etc would be occurring on that weekend. Because they weren't able to accommodate me, I had no choice but to move those up to the following weekend and those are tasks that HAVE to happen for the wedding. I'm trying to be respectful of her feelings which is why I'm suggesting June, and that's the best I can do."

Tough spot - good luck.

 

[KittenKat]

Truly, it is so helpful for me to hear that I'm not being unreasonable or a brat. I think my perception of myself gets so skewed through my parents that it's hard to remember that there are other perspectives out there. Like it is okay to say no sometimes. Like you don't always have to accomodate to other people's wants and needs at the expense of your own.

I have had to deal with simlar situations this year, as well.

The thing I have learned in this time of wedding planning and (parental) control issues is that as a grown woman - I can say no!

I actually had to change my entire wedding plan since my family was being so incredibly controlling.

We said no to the wedding my mom was planning since it was a reflection of her taste - not mine or my fiance's.

Just stay strong and understand that people might be disappointed when you say no, but they'll get over it.

My parents played the guilt game with me for many months... and after the last 3 months of 'no!' from me, they are finally coming around to see that my opnion counts too.

Good luck to you!

PS - I am in LA too! It must be the mother's out here. Many of my friends as also going through similar things.

 

[fire&ice]

The shower is being thrown out of respect for your mother. It is to honor her. Here in the South it is quite popular to throw parties for the future bride and groom. It's really not for them; but, just a way of getting together & a way of showing your place in society. Dopey - maybe - but just the way it is. So, while a reluctant guest of honor - that's precisely what you are.

That being said, I'm not sure there is a way of bowing out now. Look into airfare NOW, find out how much extra it's going to cost to fly both weekends. If I recall correctly, LA to Seatle is a main shuttle route. Perhaps if you can not swing it, ask your parents for help. It's not bratty for you to not want to go; but, weddings are like this. Sometimes you just have to suck stuff up because.

Is there ANY way to have the two showers the same day? Showers aren't day long affairs.

 

[solange]

How elaborate are the plans your mother''s friend made for your shower? If it involves having rented a space and giving a deposit for catering, then perhaps you might be under some obligation to go through with it, although I still feel the plans should have been made through you and not through your mother since the element of "surprise" usually involving a shower is absent. An arrangement was made for you and it really does not fit in with your plans and desires. It may be too late to back out if this person has gone to considerable trouble and expense but it really is unfair to put this extra pressure on you at this time, especially since it involves travel.

If it is something more casual, it seems to me that you can say that at the time, you did not realize all the other commitments prior to a wedding and that, since you are already traveling to one shower, you simply cannot find the time or funds to travel to another.

It is obvious that this was an opportunity for your mother''s friends to get together. If it did not involve elaborate preparations, perhaps your mother and her friends can just get together to celebrate your forthcoming marriage without your presence and you can make it clear that you expect no gifts from them since you are already having one shower.

If you find you do have to go through with this, perhaps it will serve as a learning experience in how to say no when someone proposes something like this. We have all had these experiences and it often takes a long time before we learn to be firm and avoid situations that complicate our lives unnecessarily in order to accommodate the wishes of others.

 

[Demelza]

Alj -- yes, I think you're right that I should have said 'no' from the start. This is another one of those growing-up, separating from parents learning experiences -- it simply didn't occur to me that it might be okay to say 'no.' My parents seemed so adamant that declining, however politely, would be extremely rude and hurtful. It was only after talking to people outside my family that I have come to realize that it is okay to decline, that disappointing someone isn't the absolute worst thing in the world.

Kitten Kat -- Sorry to hear about the difficulty you're having with your parents re: wedding planning. What are your current plans? Where in LA are you getting married? I'm glad you were able to wrestle control away from your parents and plan a wedding that suits your needs and desires.

It's really amazing how planning a wedding stirs up old feelings and behaviors. I thought that, after much hard work, I had come to a place in my life where I knew how to interact with my parents in such a way that I didn't lose myself in the process. It's been years since I've felt so young and so powerless in the face of their needs. Thanks again for all the great feedback!!

Edited to add: Solange, your response popped up just as I posted mine. No, the plans certainly are not elaborate. It will be at the woman's house and I don't believe any invitations are even being sent. I think my mom is just going to call around and see who's available. It's going to be a brunch and likely very casual. At least this is my understanding. I still haven't had any contact with my mom's friend. The whole thing seems so odd to me -- why not throw my mom a mother of the bride brunch (which is what this really is)? That would make me happiest because it would be more authentic and honest -- and I think my mom would absolutely love it! She loves attention!!! If I can make it great, if not, she can still have a blast with her friends!

 

[aljdewey]

Trust me.....weddings can be a bitch.

Everyone has their own very FIRM ideas about what the wedding and events leading up to it should entail, and it can be really tricky to navigate the waters.

What you come to learn quickly is that you can NEVER please everyone, and trying to put yourself through placating all sides ends up making YOU the one "unpleased". It''s inevitable that *someone* is going to feel a bit displaced.

In my family, it was one aunt...one of my mom''s sisters. FI & I opted for EXTREMELY small wedding.....immediately family (parents, sibs, grandparents) and a few friends we are extremely close with....that''s it. 30 people. No aunts/uncles/cousins/other distant relatives. All of my relatives were completely understanding about it.....except for one aunt. An aunt who I never see, who never phones, who I have virtually no ongoing relationship with. Her nose is bent out of joint simply because *she* feels weddings are a family protocol event. She''s received an invitation to every other niece/nephew''s wedding (some extended sheerly out of perceived obligation), and she has chosen to take it as a personal slight that I chose not to extend invitations to extended family.

She is close to my mom, and yet my mom couldn''t share her joy in the events with my aunt because she refuses to acknowledge me or the wedding. In fact, she''s so adamant about "boycotting" me...even after the fact.....that she actually refused to attend a 40th birthday being held for my cousin when she learned (on the day of the party) that I would attending.

My take on it: her problem. It''s been nine months since the wedding, and she''s still not over it. She may never get over it, and if not, that''s her choice and her axe to grind. If I had it to do over again, I''d do precisely the same thing.

You cannot please everyone.

 

[solange]

If, as you say, it is a casual brunch at this woman's house and no invitations have been sent, I do not see why it would be rude to ask her to change the date to accommodate you since no elaborate plans have been made.

I think it is an imposition to ask you to make plans at great inconvenience and expense under these circumstances. For some reason, your parents feel it is necessary to protect this woman's feelings even if it is an imposition on you.

Since it is really more an opportunity for your mother and her friends to get together, your mother can be guest of honor or they can find some other reason to get together for brunch. If the date can be changed to accommodate you at a time when you are there, it is one thing. But to ask you to go to the trouble and expense of attending a casual brunch at an inconvenient time for you is really an imposition at a hectic time in your life.

I do not think it would be uneasonable or rude for you to say that you are sorry to disappoint this woman but that you find it impossible to be in L.A. at that date. To travel 1,000 miles to attend a casual brunch is really too much to expect unless it can be arranged at a time when you are in L.A.

 

[icelady]

Edited to add: Solange, your response popped up just as I posted mine. No, the plans certainly are not elaborate. It will be at the woman''s house and I don''t believe any invitations are even being sent. I think my mom is just going to call around and see who''s available. It''s going to be a brunch and likely very casual. At least this is my understanding. I still haven''t had any contact with my mom''s friend. The whole thing seems so odd to me -- why not throw my mom a mother of the bride brunch (which is what this really is)? That would make me happiest because it would be more authentic and honest -- and I think my mom would absolutely love it! She loves attention!!! If I can make it great, if not, she can still have a blast with her friends!

Demelza,

I think it may be time for you to phone this women yourself. I look at it as being incredibly rude on her behalf for not having contacted you directly to make these plans in the first place. You have the opportunity to have the upper hand by assuming the lead here. I would call her and very sweetly explain the situation, and make a request to move the date (especially since it is completely informal) to either the next weekend or just before the wedding. She may understand completely and comply, or she may say it is impossible to change now. You haven''t lost anything, and you may make the process easier on yourself depending on the outcome. You could let her know (nicely, of course!) that it would have been nice for her to have contacted you personally. Everyone should understand that with all that surrounds a wedding, they should be making things as easy for you as possible and not imposing.

As for your Mom! If she is anything like my Mom, then I would say that she simply was in favor of this party (knowing it really is for her and not for you) and once SHE decided on it, YOU are going to be the royal BRAT for messing with her plan. I know this sounds harsh, and I love my Mom dearly, but if I am not on my toes right from the get go, she will guilt me in to something even to my family''s (my husband and daughter) and my detriment. It can even start that I didn''t commit yet and she takes that as her YES, and proceeds. She doesn''t do it to me anymore as I always start by saying NO first and then thinking about it!LOL!! If it becomes yes later, then it will be in line with what I am able to do!!

Good Luck Demelza, and try to enjoy this time! You really deserve to enjoy it!

 

[codex57]

Date: 3/23/2005 1:11:33 PM
Author: icelady

As for your Mom! If she is anything like my Mom, then I would say that she simply was in favor of this party (knowing it really is for her and not for you) and once SHE decided on it, YOU are going to be the royal BRAT for messing with her plan. I know this sounds harsh, and I love my Mom dearly, but if I am not on my toes right from the get go, she will guilt me in to something even to my family''s (my husband and daughter) and my detriment. It can even start that I didn''t commit yet and she takes that as her YES, and proceeds. She doesn''t do it to me anymore as I always start by saying NO first and then thinking about it!LOL!! If it becomes yes later, then it will be in line with what I am able to do!!

Sounds like my mom and grandpa too. Made plans without me. I put up with my mom and try and work on her mainly cuz she did give birth to me. My grandpa, well, he was never all that nice to me while my grandma was and he doesn''t treat her right IMO so I just generally ignore his plans, even tho he''s super excited that a grandchild is finally getting married. Yeah, it''s kinda cold, but if you don''t draw the line somewhere, the wedding will basically be taken away from you.

 

[windy1365]

I wouldn''t care if this woman you never speak to gets mad or not. It''s not like you will ever speak to her again anyway. It sounds like you mama is just wanting a get together with her friends and is using your wedding as the reason. I would tell my mama that I can only go if the date is moved, or if your mama will pay for the additional plane ticket.

 

[Demelza]

Thanks everyone for the great feedback and understanding. I'm still trying to work this one out with my mom. It's definitely taken on a life of its own. My mom told me today that the reason she accepted this woman's offer without conferring with me is that it never occured to her that I might object. This is the first time she's actually admitted that she sort of bullied me into this. The issue now, of course, is less about whether I attend the shower and more about my parents not seeing me as an autonomous individual with legitimate wants and needs. The likelihood is, I will go to the shower as planned and, to avoid these types of conflict in the future, remember that it is okay to assert myself from the start without any guilt or shame. Easier said than done, but that's what I'm aiming for.

 

[Demelza]

UPDATE: Hooray!!! My mom finally agreed to talk to her friend. She thanked her for the lovely gesture, but said that due to scheduling difficulties and the fact that I live 1200 miles away, I simply could not make it to the shower. Her friend's respose? No problem. In fact, she said she was actually a bit relieved because she's scheduled for a minor skin surgery the week before. She also said that it leaves her more money to get me an "extra nice" gift and mentioned something about Tiffany's. No hurt feelings, no terrible consequences, and a much happier bride! I am so relieved!!! This was a completely unexpected ending, but one for which I am extremely grateful.

 

[aljdewey]

WOO-HOO! YAY! Happy to see a peaceful and calm resolution for you.

It sounds like this is a much saner plan. I''m delighted for you.

 

[fire&ice]

Always glad to hear a win-win situation!

 

[solange]

What a wonderful ending to an extremely stressful situation! Had you obediently gone through with the plan, you would have been inconvenienced for no reason. It seems that your mother's friend may be as relieved as you are since her plans obviously changed as well after the offer was made.

I guess there is a great lesson here. It is better to be open and forceful in expressing your feelings when you are being imposed upon. It is fortunate that your mother finally agreed to speak with her friend instead of causing all this anguish for you. Obviously your parents' fear that this woman would be offended was unfounded and it all ended well for you and probably for her as well.

Best of luck.

 

[Patty]

I''m glad that it''s working out for the best!

 

[icelady]

Date: 3/25/2005 3:45:10 PM
Author: Demelza
UPDATE: Hooray!!! My mom finally agreed to talk to her friend. She thanked her for the lovely gesture, but said that due to scheduling difficulties and the fact that I live 1200 miles away, I simply could not make it to the shower. Her friend''s respose? No problem. In fact, she said she was actually a bit relieved because she''s scheduled for a minor skin surgery the week before. She also said that it leaves her more money to get me an ''extra nice'' gift and mentioned something about Tiffany''s. No hurt feelings, no terrible consequences, and a much happier bride! I am so relieved!!! This was a completely unexpected ending, but one for which I am extremely grateful.

How perfect is this?!?!? I am so glad that it all worked out and your Mom did the right thing. Sounds like everyone is relieved. Now JUST ENJOY YOUR WEDDING AND FESTIVITIES!!!!