Am I being unreasonable with my Guest List?

[EricaR]

I can''t believe that my wedding is a year away and there is already this much drama. Ugh…!

When my FI and I first got engaged we sat down to discuss our dream wedding. We both had the same ideas – we wanted something small, intimate, and we only wanted to invite those people we are closest to. Luckily we also shared the same definition of “small” and together we set a limit of eight guests. Those guests are my parents and sister, his dad and sister, and another couple that we are very good friends with.

The drama comes from my sister and her boyfriend. To be blunt, neither FI nor I want him to come. We have met him one time at my parents’ house where we got to watch him throw a hissy fit that the dinner I had cooked for my parents was soup and how dare I not know that he hates soup.

He then proceeded to stomp out of the house not to reappear the whole night. Nice, huh? On top of that it isn’t like my sister and I are close at all. We see each other maybe once every two years and have no communication between those visits. I only even see her when I am visiting my parents as she still lives with them.

The limited guest list has not presented a problem for FI’s side of the family. We asked his sister if she minded leaving her boyfriend (who we have never met) at home and she didn’t have a problem with that. We aren’t even inviting any of FI’s half and step siblings, not because we don’t like them but because we want to keep things small. This is why we decided to have a destination wedding in the first place – overall it has made it a lot easier to explain why we are inviting so few people.

I don’t think we are being unreasonable but my parents do. They told us that if we don’t invite him that my sister won’t come and that they probably won’t contribute financially. This isn’t such a big deal, and I really don’t want to cave to what amounts to financial blackmail…

Any thoughts? Opinions? If I am out of line feel free to bash my head with a frying pan – I have thick skin and can take it.

 

[bee*]

I don''t think that your parents are being fair saying that they won''t contribute if your sister''s BF isn''t invited. I would explain to them that you only want close immediate family and that your FI''s sister isn''t bringing her bf to the wedding. I can''t believe he threw a hissy fit like that-he sounds really unreasonable. I would also tell them that you''ll pay for your own wedding so that you don''t have to invite him.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

If your parents are being this difficult already, you don''t want their money. Everytime you conflict with them, they will hold it over you and make everything more stressful. You should try to talk to them, but be very wary of accepting financial help.

 

[neatfreak]

While I DO think that it is unfair of your parents to blackmail you...I also think that it would be a nice peace offering to at least invite the guy. If they have been together a long time I personally find it as a jab to your sister indirectly as well...

Are they in a LTR? Or is he the flavor of the month? If they are in a LTR I think you should invite him, if not, then just set a rule that the only SO's that get invited are those that are engaged or living together. Done.

Unfortunately parents seem to think that $ dictates control. Hugs to you!

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't understand the connection between your sister's boyfriend not coming and your parents not contributing financially to the wedding. Is it because if her boyfriend doesn't come, your sister won't either, therefore, it's not a true family affair? Are your sister and her boyfriend planning on getting engaged soon (that you know of) or is it more of a casual thing? I don't mean to butt in but I'm just trying to understand and figure out what could be running through your parents' minds.

If it were me, I'd probably try talking to my family alone (without my FI or anyone else present) and figure this out calmly (not that you're not...). I'd explain my reasons for wanting the type of wedding I want and try to get them once again to understand. If that STILL doesn't work, I'd be inclined to invite my sister's boyfriend, simply because my sister IS family. If family is very important to you, maybe it might be best to have him come, provided he be on his best behavior. If not inviting him truly means your sister won't come, would you be okay with that? Really okay?

 

[Sabine]

I also don''t get why your parents would threaten to pull funding if they don''t get their way, and think if you CAN afford to do it without them, be ready to because if they threaten to now, they might continue to do so.

I think the issue of inviting the bf really depends on how long he has been with your sister and how serious she is about him. If it is serious, I think you should invite him even if you don''t like him, because it''s not fair to expect her to come without him. But if it''s casual (or likely to end before the wedding), stand your ground.

 

[julabean]

We were in a very similar situation with my FI''s step-siblings. At the time we invited them, we were under the impression that his step-sister was separated from her husband and his step-brother had broken up with his long-term girlfriend. So we didn''t invite their SO''s. (We also were dealing with the fact that we''ve only met their significant others a handful of times.) Well, lo and behold, when we got their RSVPs back, there were 2 names. So...we didn''t invite them and they''re coming anyway.

This was a battle we weren''t willing to fight, so we''re not. They''re coming and I''m done being frustrated about their non-invited RSVPing persons.

And in your case, too, this may also be a battle that''s just. not. worth. fighting. Especially if your parents are starting to bring money into it, I''m not sure if I''d want to have a go. It''s giving the insult-giving boyfriend too much credit or attention for your special day. Perhaps the compromise could be your FI''s sister''s boyfriend being invited to, bringing your guest list to 10 instead of 8.

And not that I agree with your parents, but if you ARE having a destination wedding, I''m not sure how much enjoyment your sister or your FI''s sister would get out of going somewhere far away (I''m assuming?) with just their parents and being expected to pay for a trip that they are, effectively, taking with themselves. To be courteous to them, I''d include their significant others.

 

[cara]

Yes your parents holding money over your head is uncool. But... the number 8 is a little arbitrary. If your sister's boyfriend is a long-term guy, which if he's not now he will be by the time of the wedding if he's still around, whether or not you are especially close with him or your sister, whether or not he is a mature adult, you should rethink not inviting him. Long-term couples function as social units, and should be invited together to social events such as weddings, especially those that require travel.

You should also rethink whether the right way to deal with your sister's choice of an immature child as a boyfriend is to exclude him and force her (and your parents!!) into defending him and attacking the appropriateness of your guest list. It would have been best to bring up the soup incident in the vicinity when it happened, but you could directly address the issue with your sister now by saying, "I was so hurt and insulted by your boyfriend's behavior when I cooked dinner for him that I couldn't imagine he would actually want to come to my wedding. Are you saying he is actually happy for us and wants to come celebrate our marriage?" Her answer may be revealing.

Note I am not saying that you should invite him. But you should think about what you are forcing your sister to do - choose between you and her boyfriend - and if your relationship with your sister is one you care about. And clearly, continuing on a path of estrangement with your sister will strain your relationship with your parents. You may even be right on the merits on this one, but that doesn't mean that your family relationships will benefit from you being right on this one issue.

 

[tberube]

While I think it's preposterous that your parents would black mail you, I dunno...I've sorta been schooled on the fact that most of your guests will want to bring dates, and as much as you (and myself, as well) want to limit your wedding to people you REALLY want there, it's best to compromise and let the date come. Just my two cents.

 

[iheartscience]

Hm...that''s pretty weak of your parents. If you don''t need their money, I would stick to your guns and tell them that you only want your immediate family and best friends there and those are the only people you''ll be inviting. It''s very strange to me that they would essentially blackmail you over this, considering the way the boyfriend has acted towards you the one time you met him. Not to mention that you''ve only met him ONCE and this is your tiny destination wedding.

I think that if you''re having a very small wedding, the presence of someone you dislike (and who is apparently a giant baby who is apt to throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat) will be very noticeable. I would just seriously hate it if someone I didn''t like was at my tiny destination wedding. Inviting him isn''t really a compromise/peace-offering at all because he''ll be there and you don''t want him there.

Yikes...good luck...that''s a tough situation to be in.

 

[diamondfan]

I hate that blackmail with money.

And just be prepared that your sister may boycott if you do not invite him. If you really do not care, then stick to your guns.

I am sorry you have drama to go through.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/3/2008 9:23:45 PM
Author: diamondfan
I hate that blackmail with money.


And just be prepared that your sister may boycott if you do not invite him. If you really do not care, then stick to your guns.


I am sorry you have drama to go through.

DITTO! If you really dont want this prima dona there, and he sounds like he''ll do something to make your wedding all about him, then stick to your guns, as long as you can accept that your wedding might be only your FI''s side. YOU have to be okay with that. If so, move on. I wouldn''t stand for the blackmail. Dont your parents think this guy''s behavior was over the top?

 

[EricaR]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. FI and I read all of them this evening and it lead to a long conversation. I think part of the problem is that my parents see this guy at least once a week whereas I have only had that one encounter with him. He is a big part of their lives but he barely shows up on my radar.

bee*: I agree that he is as unreasonable as I am being! At least I can say “because I’m the bride, that’s why!” Luckily our wedding will be very inexpensive and it won’t be a problem to pay for it ourselves.

brazen_irish_hussy: I knew that this was a possibility so we hadn’t actually asked them for any money. Last week they offered and I told them that I would let them know how much things will cost. Looks like I just won’t do that…

neatfreak: I guess you could say that they are in a LTR. They’ve been together for about a year now. I don’t think they are serious in that I don’t think they will be engaged any time soon. Both of them are still living with their respective parents and I think they just see each other on the weekends.

ZoeBartlett: I think my mom just said “Fine, then we aren’t helping with money” as a way to try and get me to give in. With my sister, who is 25, still living at home they mostly treat her as if she was still a teenager and in a lot of ways I think they still sort of see me in that way, too. I don’t think my mom considers me an adult who can make up her own mind. And to be honest, I actually think I would be OK without my sister there. When we first started talking about the guest list we said parents only. My mom threw a fit then and insisted that we invite my sister, and then FI’s stepmother passed away so we decided to invite our sisters as well. My sister and I usually actively dislike each other. She hates that I am able to live on my own (she could too, she would just much rather not work and have my parents pay all the bills) so being around her is uncomfortable at best.

Sabine: To be totally honest, as mean as this sounds I will say that there is every chance they won’t be together by the time the wedding rolls around. And I totally understand her point of view and why she would want him there, I just wish they would at least be willing to try and see things from my point of view.

julabean: I’m starting to agree that it might not be worth fighting. I’m sure there will be many more battles to come that will be much more important.

cara: I know the number 8 seems a bit arbitrary, but we started out only wanting parents and the other couple. Out of respect for my parents we increased that to include my sister and I just feel like if I give in on her boyfriend who will be next? My insanely religious aunt who feels free to tell me I am going to “burn in hell for all eternity” because I happen to live with my boyfriend? My mom’s other sister who is always either drinking or smoking crack? I just worry that things will quickly spiral out of control and I’m having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line.

tberube: I know that inviting him would really be the “polite” thing to do, but at the same time its not like it is going to be a huge event where my sister won’t have anyone else to talk to…

thing2of2: You said EXACTLY what I was thinking!! I really do hate that someone I don’t like will be there. Since it is such a tiny wedding its not like he will fade into the crowd! I have several friends who go through their wedding photos and say “who is that guy?!” That is exactly what I don’t want. I read your post aloud to FI and he nodded vigorously through the whole thing.

diamondfan: I’m at the point where if she said she wouldn’t come if he wasn’t invited I would say “Have fun at home!” I know that she will add so much drama to the whole event that her boycott would almost be welcome!

surfgirl: My parents are OK with his behavior, mostly because they turn a blind eye to anything associated with my sister. After his hissy fit over the soup FI and I stood there just staring with disbelief and my mom’s comment was that I really should have asked about his food preferences prior to cooking… I mean, to put this into perspective my sister is 25, still lives at home, never went to college, doesn’t work so my parents pay all of her bills, etc. She sits around the house all day long doing absolutely nothing. She doesn’t even do housework! I know that this isn’t directly related to the issue here, I just thought I’d throw it out in an attempt to further define why my relationship with my sister isn’t that great.

Thank you again everyone for the responses. I just left a voicemail for FI’s sister asking her to call me back. I want to talk with her about the issue and get her take. I’m really thinking that is battle probably isn’t worth fighting. If FI’s sister wants to bring her boyfriend I might just cave and allow my sister to bring hers. I just worry that if I don’t stay firm on this that my parents won’t listen to anything else I try and say and that everything will fly out of my control. I thought that having a small, mostly family destination wedding would be almost as easy as eloping. Guess I was wrong.

 

[diamondfan]

I think that there will always be jerky people around. He sounds like a child, but it also sounds like your sis gets to do whatever she wants. They are unlikely to tell him or her to shape up. If you are not close to her anyway and know that she is likely to misbehave, I would just not respond to the financial and emotional blackmail. Be stronger and show you are not kowtowing.

You can always just say it simply..."We are sorry that our wishes for our wedding are less important than what you want, and that you would be willing to miss celebrating with us or use money as a weapon. But this is how we want things, and we hope that you will be able to attend and share our happiness."

And you can thank them but tell them their money is not necessary.

I have big issues with my sister and we no longer speak, my choice. But really, I know it is a dilemma, because she is your sister, but you say you are not close and do not really have a relationship. If you were very close, and really wanted him there, I might say suck it up, and enlist your parents to help keep him in check. However, she is allowed to run them, it seems, and he was raised in a barn, which your parents have failed to realize. You sort of have to put your foot down and deal with what comes, otherwise, you allow the blackmail, have them there, and hold your breath that they both behave.

 

[swingirl]

You haven't said how significant the boyfriend is to your sister. Apparently everyone thinks he'll still be around in a year. It sounds like they are serious and your parents like him. I think your exclusion of him is making them feel uncomfortable about seeing him and talking about the up coming event for the next year. Awkward.

I would be extremely offended if I was invited to a sibling's destination wedding and expected to come alone. But it'll be your choice on whom to invite and everyone else's choice whether they choose to come. This might be a smaller event then you planned.

 

[monarch64]

I thought I only counted 7 guests anyway...gah, just do what you and your FI feel like doing. Go to a tropical locale, go to a nordic locale, just go somewhere where you will not be bothered by anyone''s crazy family. Sooooooooo wish we had done so. Hell, sooo wish I had not married the man I did, there I said it.

 

[Haven]

Date: 3/4/2008 5:26:31 AM
Author: monarch64
Hell, sooo wish I had not married the man I did, there I said it.

Anyway, while I disagree with your parents using money to persuade you, I do think you''re being unreasonable if this boyfriend is significant to your sister. We do not get to choose our siblings or their significant others, (and while it would be nice if they heeded our well-intentioned warnings about the bad ones) it would be, in my opinion, unkind and uncouth for you to exclude your sister''s BF if he is a significant one.

Perhaps this would be an opportunity to bond with your sister, or at least to establish a more sisterly relationship. I have three sisters, and growing up my mother would always say "friends may come and go but you''ll always have your sisters." She was so right.

 

[EricaR]

Well, after many discussions last night and this morning we decided to tell my parents that my sister could bring him.

Of course, an hour after telling my mom she called me back to say that he was going but that he and my sister won''t be attending the group event we are doing the day before the wedding (we wanted to do a group event instead of a rehersal dinner) and that they won''t be coming to the reception dinner. Ugh. I guess that is OK because I won''t have to deal with them much but since my parents are paying for their plane tickets, hotel and food I am quite annoyed. If my sister and her boyfriend want to use the wedding as an excuse for a vacation that is fine, but don''t throw a fit saying how much you guys want to attend the wedding and then completely ditch it.

I shouldn''t worry about it becasue it isn''t my money that is being wasted, I''m just annoyed.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/4/2008 2:14:35 PM
Author: EricaR
Well, after many discussions last night and this morning we decided to tell my parents that my sister could bring him.


Of course, an hour after telling my mom she called me back to say that he was going but that he and my sister won''t be attending the group event we are doing the day before the wedding (we wanted to do a group event instead of a rehersal dinner) and that they won''t be coming to the reception dinner. Ugh. I guess that is OK because I won''t have to deal with them much but since my parents are paying for their plane tickets, hotel and food I am quite annoyed. If my sister and her boyfriend want to use the wedding as an excuse for a vacation that is fine, but don''t throw a fit saying how much you guys want to attend the wedding and then completely ditch it.

I shouldn''t worry about it becasue it isn''t my money that is being wasted, I''m just annoyed.

Okay, now they''re coming but not to the RD or RECEPTION? Are you kidding me. Erica, for godssake, just elope, or just move the wedding elsewhere and invite only the FI''s family and your friends. This is ridiculous! If they want to ATTEND YOUR WEDDING than they come to all the wedding events or dont come at all. I''m so pissed off I could spit tacks and I dont even know you. Seriously, I''d just uninvite them if that''s how they feel. I now get a clearer picture of your sister and I say "move on", she sounds like a selfish child. And your parents sound like they enable her to never grow up. Why would you want that sort of vibe at your wedding?

 

[diamondfan]

It does sound like she is using it as an excuse for a vacation.

And, not gonna lie, I would rescind the invite at this point. I think that is gross and rude and just unacceptable and I do not believe your parents are not sitting her down and telling her so.

 

[gtn]

Date: 3/4/2008 3:23:43 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 3/4/2008 2:14:35 PM

Author: EricaR

Well, after many discussions last night and this morning we decided to tell my parents that my sister could bring him.



Of course, an hour after telling my mom she called me back to say that he was going but that he and my sister won''t be attending the group event we are doing the day before the wedding (we wanted to do a group event instead of a rehersal dinner) and that they won''t be coming to the reception dinner. Ugh. I guess that is OK because I won''t have to deal with them much but since my parents are paying for their plane tickets, hotel and food I am quite annoyed. If my sister and her boyfriend want to use the wedding as an excuse for a vacation that is fine, but don''t throw a fit saying how much you guys want to attend the wedding and then completely ditch it.

I shouldn''t worry about it becasue it isn''t my money that is being wasted, I''m just annoyed.

Okay, now they''re coming but not to the RD or RECEPTION? Are you kidding me. Erica, for godssake, just elope, or just move the wedding elsewhere and invite only the FI''s family and your friends. This is ridiculous! If they want to ATTEND YOUR WEDDING than they come to all the wedding events or dont come at all. I''m so pissed off I could spit tacks and I dont even know you. Seriously, I''d just uninvite them if that''s how they feel. I now get a clearer picture of your sister and I say ''move on'', she sounds like a selfish child. And your parents sound like they enable her to never grow up. Why would you want that sort of vibe at your wedding?

I feel the same way. If they really wanted to be there, what could be so important?

I remember missing out on lots of things that I wanted to do when traveling
OOT for people''s celebrations. Shame on them and shame on your parents for enabling her to be that way.

I''m sorry you have to deal with all this mess. Just be grateful that your sister and her BF have less opportunity to make your wedding about them

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/4/2008 4:05:30 PM
Author: diamondfan
It does sound like she is using it as an excuse for a vacation.


And, not gonna lie, I would rescind the invite at this point. I think that is gross and rude and just unacceptable and I do not believe your parents are not sitting her down and telling her so.

Me too! I think their actions are despicable And I wouldn''t stand for it (I don''t think my parents would either to be honest). A wedding is a celebration of your relationship and the joining of two families! He''s not part of the family and she''s being a spoiled brat. They are totally using this for a free-ish vacation and that''s horrible of them toa take advantage of your parents like that.

I''d take back their invite immediately. And I''d tell you parents something about why you''re doing it and how they are enabling her too!

Oooo...this got my blood boiling!!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

That''s truely shocking. I agree you should recind the invitation and maybe even invite FSIL''s boyfriend since she is being such a good sport she should be rewarded and you will have less people. You have to nip this in the bud because clearly, things arwe already snowballing out of control and you are still a year from the wedding.

 

[cara]

Meaning they are only coming for the ceremony? This is absurd!!! Just absurd.

Stop going through your parents at this point and talk to your sister directly. It is remotely possible that they are thinking they are doing you a favor since you have been reluctant to invite both of them, and this way they will be out of your hair. But come on! Either they are coming to celebrate your wedding or they are wheedling a free vacation by manipulating everyone involved.

 

[iheartscience]

Well, they just proved why you probably shouldn't have invited EITHER of them to begin with. Yikes. At least you won't have to deal with them much.

Man, your parents make me so mad! I can't believe they put up with your sister's crap like that! Ugh. We're all on your side!

Okay, sorry, I'll stop talking smack on your parents-that's not nice. At least you can take comfort in the fact that you are the bigger person here.

 

[Gwyn]

I know you want to keep things small, i am in the same boat. But I would be SERIOUSLY offended if I was invited to a wedding of someone as close as my sister and I was not allowed to bring a date!

ESPECIALLY, this being a desitination wedding. Many people that go to destination weddings use the time as a dual vacation (to offset costs of travel and such). To have to go to one alone...no offense but I think thats a little cruel to ask of someone.

You met the guy one time, maybe he was having a rough night or something, who knows. But you chose to judge and ostersize him for it. Not to mention cause a rift with your family.

He may have been the one out of line before but you are the one acting childish now.

Also, in your first post you state "we only wanted to invite those people we are closest to." then underneath you write "On top of that it isn’t like my sister and I are close at all. We see each other maybe once every two years and have no communication between those visits. I only even see her when I am visiting my parents as she still lives with them."

If you are not even close with her, then just dont invite her at all. But if you are going to invite her, i think you really ought to allow her a "date" as well. Then again, I am also under the impression that it is outright rude to invite any adult to a wedding without a guest.

 

[surfgirl]

Gwyn, perhaps you didn''t read Erica''s latest update but maybe you should before you say she''s out of line. I think the latest info makes clear that her sister and her BF are outrageously rude.

Also, there is NO rule that an invitation to a single person needs to come with "and guest"...

 

[diamondfan]

I am not sure of wedding etiquette, but I do not think one is ever obligated to invite people who are not married to come with someone. Now, to me, a very significant boyfriend, makes sense. However, in this case, it sounds like there are a lot of issues.

 

[Gwyn]

everyone is entitled to their own opinion... but i would not think of inviting my sister to my wedding without allowing her to bring a guest.

Perhaps the reason they people are not attending the pre wedding events is because they know how not wanted they are and not to be rude. Who knows. Maybe they are just selfish and petty, but since when did two wrongs ever make a right? half of life is about being the bigger person.

I apologize if what i said before sounded harsh but i have been in a situation before when my own FI was invited to a wedding without allowing for a date (about a month before we were engaged) the couple had nothing against me, in fact we only met once briefly at a party since FI and I lived across the country at the time). FI and I were both very put off and offended. Sure, everyone wants to save money and keep guest counts reigned in, we both feel it is important for the guest at a wedding to be happy as well. And I think that allowing them to bring a date (especially when it may be a small wedding or one where there are not alot of peers there that they know to hang out with) is something hosts should accomadate.

 

[FrekeChild]

Gwyn-they are ONLY attending the ceremony. Not the rehearsal dinner, or the reception. I find that to be incredibly rude, especially since they are making such a fuss about the BF coming.

For goodness sake, its free dinner two nights in a row-take 5 hours out of your free vacation! Is that really so much to ask?

I wouldn''t be offended if I received an invite and BF wasn''t mentioned on it. Especially if they had only met him once. And the same goes if the situation were reversed. I''d totally understand if they wanted to keep a wedding small. I think it''s the same if you''re related, except even more so. No one else''s BFs are invited. This isn''t a small-medium wedding, this is one step past elopement, with the people the couple loves the most and them only. We''re talking single digits. In my opinion her sister''s BF does not count and shouldn''t be invited.

I don''t think it''s that big of a deal to take a final family vacation and ask for ONLY family and one couple who are very close friends. I was invited to my brother''s wedding and even though I had been with my ex for almost 4 years and bro had met him several times, he wasn''t invited, and I didn''t think twice about it. And their wedding was over 200.

And how long is everything supposed to be anyway? 3-5 days?

I think the rule I would go by is whether they live together or are engaged. Neither of which is true in this case.