Am I being unreasonable?

[nicoleben]

Personally, I do not think it is crass for the brides family to host the shower. In all honesty, I have never heard this before. It is traditional for the brides family to pay for the wedding, however, in my case that is definately not possible. I am also sure that it how it is on my friends wedding as well. My mother is paying for my bridal shower, and helping with the wedding as well. I actually have to convince my mother to have my bridesmaid deal with my shower, and shift her money over to my actual wedding. I love the fact that she wants to help everyone out but.... there are more important things to focus on. I am not saying that you are wrong for saying this, but ladies we dont have to be sarcastic towards each other either. I didn't mean for this to get out of hand! :/

I understand it is not over the top for what they are asking, but like i said above, this should have been a group discussion. We are young, im 25, paying student loans, bills, etc. The other is a brand new mother and wife paying on her mortgage.. Times are tough. This is A LOT to ask for in our social group. That is why I could not wrap my head around this.

 

[Prana]

Huh. My parents funded my shower and my wedding. Because they wanted to, and because they can. Wasn't poor etiquette, was enjoyed by all of my guests, and definitely wasn't crass. Or greedy. Just part of what all brides do, and my parents didn't feel it was necessary to put a financial strain on my bridesmaids when they wanted so badly to host it. Why is that greedy or crass?

Different strokes for different folks.

No need to express yourself so rudely, Stonie.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I don't think you are being unreasonable Nicole, I would just tell the MOH that you can't afford to attend the spa and contribute to the shower.

And as far as family hosting a shower being considered crass... Where did you come from stonie? The dark ages? Yes it may be in the etiquette book from yesteryear but there are many things that were 'not done' that are now considered normal and acceptable. Times change, no need to call us all greedy biatches who are out for anything we can get.

 

[pinki]

I'd just go with the flow. I was in a wedding 2 weeks after my own wedding, hers was out of state so my hubby and I had to cancel our honeymoon to pay to go to Vail for her wedding, she also had an out of town weekend bachelorette party which required donation for all the food/booze/hotel AND a spa day. A lot of us chose to just get a mani or pedi and sit around the rest of the day reading and sipping mimosa's to watch our budget.

When it was all said and done her wedding cost me over $5K and I still had to give a bridal shower gift, bachelorette gift and wedding gift. It sucks, it really really sucks...but your friend only gets married once and it's a HUGE event in her life so you suck it up and make it happen, you give Kudos to the girl taking charge and planning everything which is a huge responsibility and then you just enjoy every second. I'm sure there are people in your wedding who are struggling with the budgeting expenses as well but they would never say anything to you because they know it's your big day and it is what it is. There were 3 NFL players and wives in this wedding and even they were complaining about the costs...and they each make about $6M a year!!!! No one will ever be happy with the costs regardless of how much money they have or don't have but in the end we all had a freaking blast.

I'm not saying this to be negative, I just really think it's nothing to be upset about...yes, it sucks...yes, it's expensive...but it's just once and in the end everything will be lovely.

 

[nicoleben]

Pinki,

I understand and totally agreed with what you said. I am just going to suck it up, but if I cannot attend the spa, I will meet them afterwards for dinner. I really feel like my own wedding expenses is stressing me out, then all of this on top of it.

 

[pinki]

Pinki,

I understand and totally agreed with what you said. I am just going to suck it up, but if I cannot attend the spa, I will meet them afterwards for dinner. I really feel like my own wedding expenses is stressing me out, then all of this on top of it.

Tell me about it...until the day of our wedding I was crunching, re-crunching and triple crunching numbers! Just enjoy the moments - that's all we have!

 

[Prana]

Pinki,

I understand and totally agreed with what you said. I am just going to suck it up, but if I cannot attend the spa, I will meet them afterwards for dinner. I really feel like my own wedding expenses is stressing me out, then all of this on top of it.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your original post Nicole. I think that you should do what you are financially comfortable doing. I think meeting them for dinner afterward is just fine. She should understand. But I would definitely call her MOH and let her know your predicament and that you will only be attending certain events. Maybe you won't be the only bridesmaid to do so and plans will change!

 

[monarch64]

1. It is not correct for the bride's family to host the shower. Period the end. And please, tell me how they are hosting the shower when they are charging the 'guests?' Tsk tsk. Crass.

2. Among my friends/relatives, it is considered the height of poor form and rudeness to ask a wedding attendant to financially encumber themselves to attend you. I bought everything for my attendants---dress, shoes, hair/makeup, etc---and I would never have even thought that someone else should have to pay for that other than myself. They certainly did not have to pony up for all kinds of ancillary stuff either.

I think its terrible to 'require' attendants (who are most likely young and not all that well set financially and may not possess the social skill necessary to suitably repel the dubious 'invitation') to attend things like a spa day, etc. Puts them in a terrible spot---pay the rent or show up to some ridiculous event you'd never voluntarily attend much less spend your hardearned cash/go into debt for.

But that's just me.

It's not just you, StonieGrl...I agree with your entire post, and couldn't have said it better.

ETA: if so called "yesteryear" etiquette is just out the window now, then I suppose no one would have a problem with the bride and groom hosting their own shower? I mean, where does one draw the line?

Also: NicoleBen, am I understanding that the bride's family is not only hosting the shower, but requiring you attendants (8 of you) to assist with the shower expenses? Does that not make the 8 of you co-hostesses? Or are you considered a guest? If so, then shouldn't every guest be contributing their share of the shower expenses plus bring a gift? Maybe I have a few more screws loose than I thought, but this situation seems FUBAR to me.

As for the spa day, it sounds very nice but if spending that $150 will stress you financially then I think it is perfectly acceptable to just bow out.

 

[FrekeChild]

I was asked to be a BM in a wedding. It was across the country. I was in college at the time and being completely supported by my parents.

The MOH, bride and the BMs that were there planned a trip to some expensive spa in a town in their state for the bachelorette party. I told them I couldn't do it.

A. I'm not a spa person.
B. The spa itself would have cost $300 after paying for my stuff as well as the bride's stuff.
C. Plane tickets were $400, then there would have been hotel costs, renting a car and food costs.

The spa trip itself would have been awfully close to $1k, and I was already strapped for cash as it was.

Then there was the wedding...

1. Plane ticket. My grad student BF couldn't and wouldn't afford to make the trip. $400.
2. Dress, hair, shoes, makeup, accoutrement - $300.
3. Car rental- $200
4. Hotel for 4 nights (rehearsal was on a thursday night, friday night (nothing), saturday night (wedding), sunday afternoon (brunch), fly back monday) $300
5. Food. Who knows!

Total: $1,200+
Grand total (including spa): $2,200 (+/-)

So I dropped out of the wedding. I couldn't afford that! I couldn't even afford a gift really. So now...we don't talk anymore...so be it. She knew I had no money, but she also knew that my parents were well off. She assumed that they would pay for pretty much whatever she wanted me to do and it really pissed all three of us off (mom, dad, myself) and this was even with my mom being BFFs with the brides' mom. In the end, I didn't even end up going.

Yes being a BM can be expensive. But at the same time, if you can't afford it, be honest about what you can afford, lay it out there and if it's over that...well the writing is on the wall.

Honestly, to afford it NOW, would still be a stretch for us and we're making ok money to live off of.

But really, all this over the top crap that people want nowadays...it's getting out of control.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

ETA: if so called "yesteryear" etiquette is just out the window now, then I suppose no one would have a problem with the bride and groom hosting their own shower? I mean, where does one draw

Oh well you will be absolutely MORTIFIED to hear that my husband and I organized our respective hens and bucks days because our wedding party couldn't. My bridesmaid who was my 15 year old step daughter who lives 2 hours away wasn't going to organize it for obvious reasons and my husbands best man works away in Eqypt and flew back the night before the wedding so it wasn't possible for him either.

We must be absolutely retched people to have done this! Oh my what was I thinking? I completely forgot all my guests would have their etiquette books out at the table whilst enjoying their high tea that I invited them to!

See to me, holding an event, no matter who hosts it, that is designed as a gift grab is completely crass anyway. (They're not as common here in AU) so I really don't understand what difference you or stonie are perceiving between being hosted by one person over the other and when that difference is dictated by a little book that was once held as gospel many years ago? Why is one perfectly acceptable and the other is not? Either way it is still a gift grab.

FYI, I requested no presents at my own hens day because the point of the day for me was to celebrate with friends and family that I was getting married, not to get as many presents as I could.

ETA: no offense intended to those that have showers, just trying to reiterate my point that it shouldn't matter who hosts because the outcome is the same.

 

[monarch64]

ETA: if so called "yesteryear" etiquette is just out the window now, then I suppose no one would have a problem with the bride and groom hosting their own shower? I mean, where does one draw

Oh well you will be absolutely MORTIFIED to hear that my husband and I organized our respective hens and bucks days because our wedding party couldn't. My bridesmaid who was my 15 year old step daughter who lives 2 hours away wasn't going to organize it for obvious reasons and my husbands best man works away in Eqypt and flew back the night before the wedding so it wasn't possible for him either.

We must be absolutely retched people to have done this! Oh my what was I thinking? I completely forgot all my guests would have their etiquette books out at the table whilst enjoying their high tea that I invited them to!

See to me, holding an event, no matter who hosts it, that is designed as a gift grab is completely crass anyway. (They're not as common here in AU) so I really don't understand what difference you or stonie are perceiving between being hosted by one person over the other and when that difference is dictated by a little book that was once held as gospel many years ago? Why is one perfectly acceptable and the other is not? Either way it is still a gift grab.

FYI, I requested no presents at my own hens day because the point of the day for me was to celebrate with friends and family that I was getting married, not to get as many presents as I could.

ETA: no offense intended to those that have showers, just trying to reiterate my point that it shouldn't matter who hosts because the outcome is the same.

HOT: my opinions have nothing to do with you personally or how you handled your wedding/showers/etcetera. I didn't post my opinions or agreeance with StonieGrl here to ruffle anyone's feathers or cause any grief, seriously. I happen to appreciate "classic" etiquette, I guess, and in my own life and personal experiences, as well as social circles and even my job, I use those rules on a daily basis. I suppose I expect the same from others and that is my issue, no one else's. My sincere apologies for unintentionally touching a nerve with you, HOT.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

.

HOT: my opinions have nothing to do with you personally or how you handled your wedding/showers/etcetera. I didn't post my opinions or agreeance with StonieGrl here to ruffle anyone's feathers or cause any grief, seriously. I happen to appreciate "classic" etiquette, I guess, and in my own life and personal experiences, as well as social circles and even my job, I use those rules on a daily basis. I suppose I expect the same from others and that is my issue, no one else's. My sincere apologies for unintentionally touching a nerve with you, HOT.

Thanks Monarch, sorry for the outburst. I need to learn not to post before I have had my morning cup of tea.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I guess I come from the stone age as well.. I'd be shocked to receive a shower invitation from a family member of the bride or groom. It indeed seems "gift grabby." I think if you don't have someone to throw a shower or bachelorette party for you... it means you don't have one! Sorry, but I also don't throw myself birthday parties for the exact same reasons. Even if you aren't asking friends to bring you gifts, you are asking them to buy you dinner, drinks, etc.

As for your situation, Nicoleben, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to skip the spa day. I had to skip my best friend's bachelorette party because of the expense, and she didn't bat an eye! She knew it was a lot for her friends to spend, and had no hard feelings for those that didn't show.

What happened to gathering your girlfriends, some wine, and talking at someone's house? I don't understand why everyone expects blowout parties!

 

[blueberrydot]

mini threadjack - I'm confused by the whole "family doesn't host the shower" thing - I've been to lots of showers, both wedding and baby, and unless the guest of honor was an only child (or only female child) I don't think I've ever seen a shower that wasn't hosted by the sister, who is almost always the maid of honor. Is the etiquette different for a baby shower vs. a bridal shower? Can family members host baby showers? I attended a baby shower a few weeks ago that was held at the expectant mother's home, but was "hosted" by her friends - is that "ok"? Not trying to stir anything up, I'm genuinely curious. I'm second generation American, so a lot of the less obvious etiquette breaches completely go over my head. Incidentally, most of the wedding and bridal showers I've been to are also for and hosted by second generation Americans so maybe we all just have no idea of what is and isn't "done."

 

[blacksand]

I am also old-fashioned, I suppose. I don't believe the bride's immediate family should host the shower, either. I did throw a shower for my first cousin when she got married. I was her MoH. She had two friends as bridesmaids who participated in every decision that was made, agreed to cohost from day one, had their needs and preferences catered to for the food, location, etc. of the shower as well as the costs they said they could afford, and two days before the shower, I received an e-mail from them saying they believed it was the bride's family responsibility to host the shower and they would not be helping with any of the costs. I was a college student at thas time. I certainly wasn't going to ask the bride's family for money. I was forced to charge everything and suck it up. Neither the bride nor her family know anything about this, and they never will. Talk about crass. I was livid, but I would never cause drama with the bride's family over money (they would be devastated to know that her closest friends would behave that way), so I had to keep it to myself and remain cordial to these girls all throughout the wedding festivities.

I agree with pinki. Skip the spa is you need to (and let everyone know well in advance), but basically, go with the flow. It's a one-time event. You don't want to ruin your relationship with the bride over it, and you don't want to leave the MoH in debt if she's planning this expecting your contribution. Believe me, I understand financial hardship, and I think it's lovely when the bridesmaids' financial situations are taken into account, but I also think the focus should be on doing everything you can to make a dear friend happy on her special day. When it's over, you go back to clipping coupons!

 

[amc80]

I certainly wasn't going to ask the bride's family for money. I was forced to charge everything and suck it up. Neither the bride nor her family know anything about this, and they never will. Talk about crass. I was livid, but I would never cause drama with the bride's family over money (they would be devastated to know that her closest friends would behave that way), so I had to keep it to myself and remain cordial to these girls all throughout the wedding festivities.

Wow, awesome job at handling this situation with such grace and tact. Many others would have handled it differently.

 

[lucyandroger]

mini threadjack - I'm confused by the whole "family doesn't host the shower" thing - I've been to lots of showers, both wedding and baby, and unless the guest of honor was an only child (or only female child) I don't think I've ever seen a shower that wasn't hosted by the sister, who is almost always the maid of honor. Is the etiquette different for a baby shower vs. a bridal shower? Can family members host baby showers? I attended a baby shower a few weeks ago that was held at the expectant mother's home, but was "hosted" by her friends - is that "ok"? Not trying to stir anything up, I'm genuinely curious. I'm second generation American, so a lot of the less obvious etiquette breaches completely go over my head. Incidentally, most of the wedding and bridal showers I've been to are also for and hosted by second generation Americans so maybe we all just have no idea of what is and isn't "done."

Typically, the family does not host a shower of any kind because when you invite someone to a shower, you are basically asking them to help "shower" the guest of honor with gifts. It's seen as rude or greedy to ask for gifts for your own immediate family and certainly for yourself.

ETA - According to Ask Carly on the knot, it's now okay for the bride's family to host a shower. http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/bridal-shower-questions/qa/can-mom-or-sis-host-bridal-shower.aspx

 

[mrscushion]

I don't really understand the rule that family isn't allowed to host showers because it's gift-grabby. Showers are all about gifts, that's why they are called showers. If I wanted to avoid seeming like I wanted gifts, I'd avoid a shower all together, no matter who throws it.

But I come from a different cultural background, so I never understood this tradition of making guests give gifts twice for the same event.

ETA: Sorry, nicoleben, I forgot to answer your original post. I think you can only do what you can afford.

 

[jaylex]

Just want to throw this out there... Nicole has made it very clear that the BRIDE is not the one asking her to shell out money for the shower/spa day. It is the bride's SISTER (who is also her moh). She hasn't said this, but I'm assuming the bride doesn't know anything about the whole money sister/moh drama situation.

Nicole, I think that maybe you should call the MOH and tell her what everyone else has been saying... that you just can't afford the spa day but would still like to spend time with them afterward. I do think that the shower price isn't bad.


Now, my fiance and I may be un-civilized hooligans.. after all, we designed my ering together, he didn't drop to one knee when proposing, our mothers and one of my bridesmaids are hosting my bridal shower, I'm not including an "inner" envelope with my invitations AND my family didn't set aside a dowry that I may present to my husband after our nuptials...

But, in my opinion, this is WAY more crass than any etiquette offense I have committed thus far:
quoted from the "Ask Carly" that Lucy posted (comment towards the bottom)

"My MOH freaked out when I told her that traditionally it is her job to do the shower, but I told her I will ask my officiant (Auntie) to do it with her. I also reminded her that I don't need a huge shower. A nice at home shower is just fine... especially if it's at Auntie's big home. What do I need? a little wine, food and some cheezy party games maybe? I still think it is NOT okay for a mom to host it. Anybody who might be paying for the wedding shouldn't be asking for gifts. Not that she is, but if someone thinks she is, isn't it tacky for someone to want a gift in that case-- it's like being paid back for the invite. "

Telling someone it is their "responsibility" to throw her shower? Telling her what she "needs" for her idea of the perfect shower? All for the sake of not having her mother host it?
Classy.

 

[blacksand]

I think the idea is exactly that. The bride shouldn't be asking for a shower at all. It's rude for the bride to ask for gifts. By extension, it is [or was, depending on your personal take on etiquette] rude for the bride's immediate family to ask for gifts. It can look like the bride asked her family to ask for gifts on her behalf. The idea is that the bride's close friends, bridesmaids, whatever throw her a shower because they want to give her something, not because she expects it or asks for it. I agree it's extremely rude for the bride to ask for a shower. It isn't something that should be expected. I just feel that, personally, if I am someone's bridesmaid, I want to do everything in my power to make that person happy! No, it shouldn't be expected of me, but I adore my friends and want them to have the best of everything.

 

[nicoleben]

You have it very clear. The bride has NOOOO idea that this spa day is hurting others pockets. As for the shower, I have no problem with bringing my mimosas, getting a gift, and giving 60$. I am sure she would do the same thing for me. She deserves it. I know she would be very understanding of me if I could not attend this spa day..

 

[DearBuddha]

And at least 75% of readers here aren't going to 'like' this at all, because when it really comes down to it, you're going to use your wedding to control other people and to get every little material thing you can and God help anyone who gets in your way and you don't anyone to shine a light on that behavior.

Whoa, now. What's with the shade? Many brides go beyond their wedding budgets to thank the people standing up for them - it's not just "take, take, take", as you so eloquently put it. We certainly give back to our bridesmaids in thanks for their help. Also, lots and lots of brides are very conscious of the financial means of all wedding participants. What bride would have the balls to tell her bridesmaids what they could or couldn't afford??

Although you got some balls for calling out a bunch of ladies on the Internet, so who knows...

 

[Autumnovember]

And at least 75% of readers here aren't going to 'like' this at all, because when it really comes down to it, you're going to use your wedding to control other people and to get every little material thing you can and God help anyone who gets in your way and you don't anyone to shine a light on that behavior.

Whoa, now. What's with the shade? Many brides go beyond their wedding budgets to thank the people standing up for them - it's not just "take, take, take", as you so eloquently put it. We certainly give back to our bridesmaids in thanks for their help. Also, lots and lots of brides are very conscious of the financial means of all wedding participants. What bride would have the balls to tell her bridesmaids what they could or couldn't afford??

Although you got some balls for calling out a bunch of ladies on the Internet, so who knows...

Thank you for this post! +1.

 

[UnderBlue]

I think it's a problem that most brides think making their bridesmaids pay so much is acceptable behavior. Brides are being told they must have matching bridesmaids with x, y and z and in order to not feel inadequate or like they're breaking the "bridal rules" they treat their supposedly best friends this way.

We'd be paying airfare and hotels already just as guests. But then add on $160 (more than her wedding dress!), finding obscure shoes, dinner and spa day, it's doubling the cost of our trip. Other brides in other countries don't mandate what their bridesmaids do and they have weddings just fine.

That's one of the reasons I didn't have bridesmaids: Who am I to dictate what people wear and make them spend money?

Also, if you budget to give your bridesmaids gifts, why don't you just pay for some part of the crap you're making them do instead? I'd much prefer that!

 

[Dreamer_D]

My understanding of the etiquette is this: The bride and/or grooms family is classically considered to be hosting the wedding (whether or not they pay for it is another matter). As hosts of the wedding, they are essentially asking for gifts from the guests. Therefore, if the parents of the bride/groom host a shower, then they are asking guets for gifts twice and that is a faux pas. So someone other than the parents of the bride/groom should host the shower if they so desire. So I do not think this extends to siblings of the bride/groom, since they are not hosting the wedding.

As for costs, if you cannot afford it then opt out of certain events. But I think if you agree to be in the wedding party you sort of suck it up. I have been in only one bridal party, thankfully, and it cost me close to $3500 (destination wedding plus all the hosting duties). I would actually bow out of any other requests to be in a wedding party after that, unless I knew it was a friend who would keep costs low, as I did at my wedding for my bridal party. Heck, even attending a wedding can be expensive. It is costing us close to $3000 to go to my husband's brother's wedding.

 

[nicoleben]

Ouch, 3000? For a wedding your not even in. Thats a lot! Yea, I definately sat down and thought about it by putting myself in her shoes. She would do anything for me, I am going to do it for her. Even if this means Im taking away from my wedding savings account to do so.

 

[rosetta]

You're a good friend Nicole!

 

[nkarma]

I don't really understand the rule that family isn't allowed to host showers because it's gift-grabby. Showers are all about gifts, that's why they are called showers. If I wanted to avoid seeming like I wanted gifts, I'd avoid a shower all together, no matter who throws it.

But I come from a different cultural background, so I never understood this tradition of making guests give gifts twice for the same event.

ETA: Sorry, nicoleben, I forgot to answer your original post. I think you can only do what you can afford.

I completely agree with this and don't come from a different cultural background. I decided not to have a shower because of this. You give people a gift off their registry at the shower and at the wedding a few months later??? It doesn't make sense to me.