Am I overreacting??? (sorry, long)

[trillionaire]

Short version:

Girl from SO''s class invites herself over, and keeps texting him about hanging out. SO is NOT interested in her, but doesn''t want to be mean and cut things off with her. I told him that I don''t mind them interacting in class contexts, but he should ask her to stop texting him.

Long version:


Okay, let me see if I can explain this clearly...

SO does capoeira (brazilian martial arts), and plays with a group where he lives. There is a girl (I will call her Z) in the group that is flirty with him, but that middle school kind of flirty, where you are mean to each other and kick and hit one another

. (this is a contact sport) He told me about her a while ago, and described their interaction, and I called him out about being flirty with her. He''s conceded the point, but didn''t think it mattered because he doesn''t find Z attractive. I didn''t really care, no harm, no foul, and I''m really not a jealous person. SO is very trustworthy.

Maybe a month later, Z contacts SO (via text, since they don''t talk on the phone at all) and says that her internet is down, and she needs to take a test online, and wants to know if she can come over and use his internet. It is 8pm. He calls me to clear this, and he doesn''t want to be mean and say no, but doesn''t want me to be uncomfortable either. I told him that I was fine with it if he was, but that it was pretty unusual for someone that you aren''t close to at ask to come over to your house to take a test. You would call a close friend for a favor like that, so it seemed pretty clear to me that she is probably interested in him. Anyway, she comes over, takes the test, leaves. SO routed his internet into the living room so that she wouldn''t be in or near his room. Pretty uneventful, except that she was there for several hours.

Fast forward a few weeks, and she is sending him text messages saying that she is bored, and that she liked hanging out (?) with him and that they should hang out sometime, and shoot pool. (he is relaying all of this to me) He says that they could maybe go as a group of people from the capoeira class sometime. Z replies that is was pretty clear from his response that he didn''t want to go with her one-on-one, and did she do something wrong? SO tells her that he has a girlfriend, and hanging out with her one-on-one was probably not the best idea. Z gets weirdly apologetic.

A few weeks later, SO is out of state on business, and Z is texting him again, saying that she is bored, that she misses their friendship, and feels bad about their last interaction. SO is kind of like, yeah, no big deal, but doesn''t really engage in convo. Once again, Z is asking if she did anything wrong, and she will stop texting him if wants. (at this point, SO hasn''t been to class in weeks)

memorial day weekend comes, and I am in town, and I go with SO to a capoeira event. Z is there, but makes no attempt to say anything to me. Two weeks later, Z is texting SO because she got her motorcycle license. (he rides) He says congrats, and once again, she goes into the whole "did I do something wrong spiel..." A week after that, she is sending SO picture mail photos of her bike, and suggesting that they go riding together sometime.

Now, I am not the jealous type, but I asked SO to ask her to stop texting. I don''t mind if they are friends in class, even if she is interested. But it seems like she has created a relationship that does not exist in her head, and it seems downright disrespectful to be contacting someone''s boyfriend like this.

Am I overreacting? How are WE supposed to handle this. I am not the jealous type, but I don''t respond well to feeling disrespected, even by people that pose not threat...

And for skeptics, SO is NOT seeing this girl, and is not at all interested. I am 100% certain, and at the risk of sounding snarky, she is several inches taller and outweighs him by 60+lbs... which is NOT his type.

 

[ladypirate]

I don''t think you''re overreacting--you have handled it fine. It would be different if this girl would take the hint, but even if she just likes your SO in a friendly way, she''s being way too aggressive, imho.

One thing your SO could try is saying "yeah, we could hang out as long as my girlfriend is invited too". Then it doesn''t sound like he''s avoiding her, but it makes his stance very clear.

 

[Sha]

No, you absolutely didn''t too anything wrong. But your SO should have asked her to stop texting him after she kept on hounding him. By continuing to converse with her, he gave her openings to continue flirting with him.

I guess he didn''t want to be mean and break off the friendship, but you have to draw a line somewhere. It sounds like this girl is the persistent type who would only back off if he told her so directly - in a very straightforward way.

 

[Izzy03]

First of all, I don''t think you are over-reacting, the whole situation is a little strange and I think I would feel the same way.

There is always the chance that she is not interested in anything more than a friendship. Maybe she is one of those people that has a hard time making friends and reaches out to anyone who is nice to her. But the point is it makes you uncomfortable so it should be dealt with.

How to deal with it....... that all depends on what type of person your SO is. If he is a blunt person who has no problem doing so, then he should tell her to back off. If he is not very confrontational then he should probably ignore ALL texts, and keep there conversations while in class to a minimum.

Good luck!

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

style="WIDTH: 99.15%; HEIGHT: 796px">Date: 6/16/2008 6:38:18 PM
Author:trillionaire
Short version:

Girl from SO''s class invites herself over, and keeps texting him about hanging out. SO is NOT interested in her, but doesn''t want to be mean and cut things off with her. I told him that I don''t mind them interacting in class contexts, but he should ask her to stop texting him.

Long version:


Okay, let me see if I can explain this clearly...

SO does capoeira (brazilian martial arts), and plays with a group where he lives. There is a girl (I will call her Z) in the group that is flirty with him, but that middle school kind of flirty, where you are mean to each other and kick and hit one another

. (this is a contact sport) He told me about her a while ago, and described their interaction, and I called him out about being flirty with her. He''s conceded the point, but didn''t think it mattered because he doesn''t find Z attractive. I didn''t really care, no harm, no foul, and I''m really not a jealous person. SO is very trustworthy.

Maybe a month later, Z contacts SO (via text, since they don''t talk on the phone at all) and says that her internet is down, and she needs to take a test online, and wants to know if she can come over and use his internet. It is 8pm. He calls me to clear this, and he doesn''t want to be mean and say no, but doesn''t want me to be uncomfortable either. I told him that I was fine with it if he was, but that it was pretty unusual for someone that you aren''t close to at ask to come over to your house to take a test. You would call a close friend for a favor like that, so it seemed pretty clear to me that she is probably interested in him. Anyway, she comes over, takes the test, leaves. SO routed his internet into the living room so that she wouldn''t be in or near his room. Pretty uneventful, except that she was there for several hours.

Fast forward a few weeks, and she is sending him text messages saying that she is bored, and that she liked hanging out (?) with him and that they should hang out sometime, and shoot pool. (he is relaying all of this to me) He says that they could maybe go as a group of people from the capoeira class sometime. Z replies that is was pretty clear from his response that he didn''t want to go with her one-on-one, and did she do something wrong? SO tells her that he has a girlfriend, and hanging out with her one-on-one was probably not the best idea. Z gets weirdly apologetic.

A few weeks later, SO is out of state on business, and Z is texting him again, saying that she is bored, that she misses their friendship, and feels bad about their last interaction. SO is kind of like, yeah, no big deal, but doesn''t really engage in convo. Once again, Z is asking if she did anything wrong, and she will stop texting him if wants. (at this point, SO hasn''t been to class in weeks)

memorial day weekend comes, and I am in town, and I go with SO to a capoeira event. Z is there, but makes no attempt to say anything to me. Two weeks later, Z is texting SO because she got her motorcycle license. (he rides) He says congrats, and once again, she goes into the whole ''did I do something wrong spiel...'' A week after that, she is sending SO picture mail photos of her bike, and suggesting that they go riding together sometime.

Now, I am not the jealous type, but I asked SO to ask her to stop texting. I don''t mind if they are friends in class, even if she is interested. But it seems like she has created a relationship that does not exist in her head, and it seems downright disrespectful to be contacting someone''s boyfriend like this.

Am I overreacting? How are WE supposed to handle this. I am not the jealous type, but I don''t respond well to feeling disrespected, even by people that pose not threat...

And for skeptics, SO is NOT seeing this girl, and is not at all interested. I am 100% certain, and at the risk of sounding snarky, she is several inches taller and outweighs him by 60+lbs... which is NOT his type.

I agree with this and for me, it sets of psycho bells in my head. If I were in your BF''s shoes, I''d be telling her to stop texting and to stay away. Rude or not, some things are best nipped in the bud.

 

[LostSapphire]

Put her on the "blocked" senders list and be done with it.

 

[Lexie]

Wow.. "Z" seems to be a wee bit obsessed with your SO, eh?

Regardless of the fact that he really has no vested interest in cultivating a meaningful friendship with her, he needs to provide her with a reality check. As much as it would be nice of him to let her down gently, I think it would be best for him to cut off all communication with her ASAP. Undoubtedly, she''s not a threat, but she is being somewhat disrespectful towards you, and it seems like she might have some issues

You definitely have a right to be livid, because it definitely seems that boundaries need to be made!

 

[trillionaire]

Lexie, lostsapphire, modpoorstudent, izzy, sha, ladypirate...

Thanks for all of the replies so far!

I did tell SO that he could completely make me look like the bad jealous GF and tell her I didn't want them texting, but he didn't want to do that, thought it would seem mean. I even offered to talk to her myself

Aren't I nice?

He kept telling me that he didn't want to hurt her feelings (yes, he IS that sensitive), and I let him know that he needed to consider the fact that he was more concerned about HER feelings than the feelings of the person who he is in the relationship with. I let him know that it was not at all about jealousy or insecurity, but the fact that this girl seems to have no respect for our relationship, or any kind of boundaries.

Some people....

He did say that she has a hard time making friends, and that she is former-military, so an older student and possibly had few friends, but it's not HIS job to be her friend. There are plenty of girls she can befriend and hang out with.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/16/2008 6:47:45 PM
Author: ladypirate

One thing your SO could try is saying ''yeah, we could hang out as long as my girlfriend is invited too''. Then it doesn''t sound like he''s avoiding her, but it makes his stance very clear.

LOL! He offered that we could do this, but I REALLY have no reason to want to hang out with this girl. If it is in the context of a GROUP event for his class, then no problems, but I am not going out of my way to hang out with her, with her being so inappropriate. I have TONS of family and friends in SO''s area that I don''t see regularly, because I choose to spend my time with him. (yes, my decision) BUT, if we are going to spend more time hanging out with other people, THIS chick would not even be on my radar. (SO knows my family and the friends are mostly mutual ones, since we went to college together

)

 

[Tuckins1]

Ummm... She sounds a little weird if you ask me. He should definitely cut contact with her. Ever seen fatal attraction?!?

 

[princesss]

I think he needs to make it clear to her that HE finds her advances unacceptable, or that the two of you do. I wouldn''t have him "blame" it on you, because then that gives her the idea that he doesn''t feel the same way and might try to get "sneaky".

I don''t think you overreacted at all, FWIW.

 

[purrfectpear]

Forgive me for falling into stereotypes but since you mentioned she''s ex military, 60 lbs. bigger than he is, bought a motorbike, is into contact martial arts, is it possible she might be gay and actually just want his friendship? I mean if that''s the case and you''re OK with him having a female friend (there is such a thing

) then you would be 100% not concerned right?

I just don''t see a girl that much bigger "hitting" on him after she knows he has a GF

Just throwing out the possibility.

 

[fieryred33143]

Trill...

I adore your posts and the advice you have given me on mine has been invaluable.

That being said, I can tell just by what I have read, that you are a very intelligent person with a good head on your shoulders and you can analyze things very well. If you believe this is inapproriate and he needs to stop texting then I agree he should too.

I also strongly believe that it isn''t about what''s going on...it''s not that she''s texting, it''s not that he''s answering, what it is about is that you feel that it is inapproriate. If that is how it makes you feel then it needs to either stop or a happy compromise made.

 

[Circe]

You know, it really doesn''t matter? Whether she''s pursuing him in a friendly-type way, or a more-than-friendly-type way, she''s displaying a level of neediness that''s kind of disturbing: I don''t see it going well in either scenario if you (as a unit) don''t click with her. You know the line about being cruel to be kind? This seems like one of those scenarios ... your BF''s to be commended for being a nice person, and you as well for being understanding about the whole situation, but unless there''s an honest push towards friendship, it''s just kind of ... leading her on. People who fixate (even in the nicest ways) can feel deeply rejected when the situation that they''ve created is cut off: the sooner your BF (nicely! very nicely!) tells her that he thinks she''s great, but his plate''s just too full for new friends, the better ....

ETA: She could, also, be one of those weirdly polite people who goes too far to make up for potential slights: she could be overcompensating for having Been Seen as Hitting on Him by trying to found a purely platonic friendship. Even if that''s the case, if it''s not mutual ... the sooner the misunderstanding''s out of the way, the better.

 

[absolut_blonde]

You know, SO and I went through something very similar when we first started dating! Only with him, it was a girl who worked at his regular coffee joint where he gets coffee each morning.

Eventually, she went away. But it took a long time! I was surprised at how... not stubborn, even but almost delusional she was. It was really quite peculiar. Like the girl in your situation, she knew about me but she went about things in a very strange, semi-platonic yet needy way in spite of that.


While I''m sure this girl isn''t a threat, I agree that she is being disrespectful. I think the best course of action at this point would be direct and firm. Wait til she intiates contact again (if she does) and then have him reiterate that he feels hanging out would be inappropriate because he''s in a relationship with you. And then no further contact or replies from him beyond that.

 

[trillionaire]

Tuckins: I didn''t see Fatal Attraction, but unfortunately, I have ones of those SO''s that think they are invincible! *smh*

Princess: Re: blaming it on me encouraging sneaking... Hadn''t thought about it that way, very good point! *scribbles notes*

Purrfectpear: hehe, I hadn''t put those things together, but I think he has described her having a hard time with guys, so I think she is actually into guys. SO is very nice to everyone, so it would not hard be for her to see that he is a nice guy and WANT to be buddies with him, but he''s really not that close to anyone but myself and his family. I have remind him to keep up with his guy friends from college... actually reminded him yesterday

And if she was gay, it seems like she would have said something to one of us, so we could understand the situation clearly and not feel uncomfortable. I don''t care if you are gay, I doubt that he would either... she could be bi? lol

Fiery: Thank you for the kind words! You are absolutely right that he should acting on my feeling uncomfortable with the situation.
I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned? I have a hard time believing that he would be even as nonchalant as I have been!
Circe: Completely agree that Z''s neediness and desire to foster this "friendship" seems very much out of proportion to the actual reality
of their relationship, which is, two people who are friendly in class. On top of this, he had only been to two or three classes in the past
3 months! It seems very strange to me that Z has not been around SO, yet he never seems to be far from her mind! She could be overcompensating,
but I wish she would find someone else to latch onto...

Absolut: Glad someone can relate!!! I think I have talked SO into cutting things off, in terms of texting. She might be uncomfortable and decided that she doesn''t want to bother, but I really can''t imagine being in touch with someone''s boyfriend like she has. It really just looks all wrong! I''ve really tried to be nice about everything, but at some point, I do agree, someone does need to draw the line...

and look, here''s a nifty marker...

 

[Anna0499]

I don't want to sound rude but the girl sounds a bit OBSESSED with your man! I know the type you are talking about though, they just don't seem to get the hint and instead of dropping the issue and being cool with everything they start in with the apologies just to maintain contact. I think you and your man have handled things VERY well, my SO probably would have told her to straight up stop texting him awhile ago. I think short of just telling her to stop, the next time she suggests something maybe your SO can say something about a double date with her date or something...or maybe plainly say he's busy with his girl. I don't know if these things will work (she seems VERY dense) but sometimes you just have to be a little "mean" and blunt to get through to someone. I had this issue with my ex-BF who had female acquaintences (associates for those of you who watch Real World haha) who thought it was funny to drunk dial him at all hours of the night and do that whole "I'm-so-drunk-come-over" bit that we girls do haha I let him know that he had exactly one weekend to put an end to it because it is just disrespectful to call someone's SO late at night for no legitimate reason. It sounds like your SO is very sensitive and trying to handle things in the most tactful way but at some point it's your feelings or her feelings. Anyway, good luck!

 

[that_someone_special]

I think you''ve done quite well so far. I wouldve already flipped out and called her the W word...

Just be frank with him- again. Tell him please no texting, and ask him to please stick to it. She''ll get the hint after he stops responding to them... And don''t let her pull that "did I do something wrong" bullshit. She doesn''t need validation in YOUR boyfriend or from him.

It worse comes to worse, gimmie her number and I''ll set her straight

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 6/16/2008 8:32:05 PM
Author: Tuckins1
Ummm... She sounds a little weird if you ask me. He should definitely cut contact with her. Ever seen fatal attraction?!?

Exactly!

Also, I had been dating a guy for quite a while when this one girl WOULD NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE. He was too nice to tell her to back the eff off. Eventually we hit a rough patch- took a MILD break and where was she???????? RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are NOW MARRIED!!!! This was quite a few years ago, but it still ticks me off none the less-- I hardly trust women that don''t know those kind of limits!!!

Cut her off!

 

[gwendolyn]

There are a couple of things that I find odd with this scenario. Maybe it''s odd that this chick doesn''t know boundaries, but maybe she''s just not very socially cognizant to the fact that her texts might be construed as romantic advances. I know LOTS of people who somehow missed all the social skills lessons from childhood. Or maybe she honestly thinks your guy is a nice person and just wants to be friends, which is why she has continued to text him after he mentioned having a girlfriend. I tend to have more guy friends than chick friends and it becomes a lot harder to meet new people the older you get, so if this is the deal with this chick, I kind of feel for her. She''s not done anything wrong since your boyfriend hasn''t told her to stop trying to be friends--from her perspective, she''s possibly just pursuing a friendship with a nice guy--so I don''t necessarily think she''s way out of order.

I also find it odd that it''s this woman''s height and weight that make you dismiss her as not being your boyfriend''s type--so, if she was skinnier or shorter, you''d be even more worried than you are now, because then she would be his type, and possibly more likely to mess around behind your back? I doubt that''s what you meant, but that''s how it''s coming across to me. If your boyfriend is as trustworthy and dedicated to you as you say, how she looks shouldn''t factor into things.

 

[goodfun7580]

One thing that bothers me about your post is that your boyfriend continues to perpetuate the cycle of communication by answering her texts. I understand he doesn''t want to be "mean" but if this is making you and him uncomfortable, he should just stop answering her texts, and be nice to her when he sees her in class. To me it seems inappropriate for him to have given out his phone number, without any mention of you. I understand that everyone is focusing on this crazy girl, but the only reason she continues is because she is still receiving attention from him. I would suggest you advise your boyfriend to stop responding ASAP!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/17/2008 7:18:31 AM
Author: goodfun7580
One thing that bothers me about your post is that your boyfriend continues to perpetuate the cycle of communication by answering her texts. I understand he doesn''t want to be ''mean'' but if this is making you and him uncomfortable, he should just stop answering her texts, and be nice to her when he sees her in class. To me it seems inappropriate for him to have given out his phone number, without any mention of you. I understand that everyone is focusing on this crazy girl, but the only reason she continues is because she is still receiving attention from him. I would suggest you advise your boyfriend to stop responding ASAP!

It''s quite possible that due to him not wanting to appear ''mean'' that he is making it look to this girl like he really DOES want to hang out with her, which is why she keeps texting him in the first place. If he genuinely doesn''t want to have anything to do with her, then he should stop playing nice because in essence he''s leading her on--not in a romantic fashion, but in a platonic way. How is she expected to just ''know'' he doesn''t want her to keep texting if she''s receiving friendly signals from him? She shouldn''t be expected to read your (trillian''s) boyfriend''s mind. He needs to tell her that she texts too much and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/17/2008 7:18:31 AM
Author: goodfun7580
One thing that bothers me about your post is that your boyfriend continues to perpetuate the cycle of communication by answering her texts. I understand he doesn''t want to be ''mean'' but if this is making you and him uncomfortable, he should just stop answering her texts, and be nice to her when he sees her in class. To me it seems inappropriate for him to have given out his phone number, without any mention of you. I understand that everyone is focusing on this crazy girl, but the only reason she continues is because she is still receiving attention from him. I would suggest you advise your boyfriend to stop responding ASAP!

Yeah, I definitely agree...how did she get his number in the first place?

 

[PostIt]

I''ve found through over five years of dating a guy who hates to ever "be mean" to anyone, that it is best to treat these kinds of girls (no matter what body type) overly friendly when I see them. and SO of course will not do anything that would hurt our relationship.

This strategy 1) doesn''t make me seem like a jealous girlfriend, 2) allows SO to keep friendly relationships with people, and 3) it willl (in my experience) have them back off SO a little bit.

HOWEVER, this girl seems destructive, so sometimes it is best to just cut off contact with that type of person.

 

[Bia]

Tell your man to axe this chick and be done with it. Why the hell hasn''t he done that already? Sometimes you have to be harsh with people who just dont "get it," especially after so many attempts.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2008 5:29:25 AM
Author: gwendolyn

I also find it odd that it's this woman's height and weight that make you dismiss her as not being your boyfriend's type--so, if she was skinnier or shorter, you'd be even more worried than you are now, because then she would be his type, and possibly more likely to mess around behind your back? I doubt that's what you meant, but that's how it's coming across to me. If your boyfriend is as trustworthy and dedicated to you as you say, how she looks shouldn't factor into things.

SO is not a big guy, I outweigh him by a couple of hairs, and for whatever reason, size (height and weight) are a big deal to him (and his family). It really just isn't HIS type. I don't know the girl well enough to know other reasons that she might not be his type, but that initial difference would be a deal breaker for him. I didn't say that she is unattractive, or mean to imply that she was (I don't think your size determines that, I have some of the most FABULOUS friends of all sizes). I'm sure the comment came off all wrong, but it was really about HIS preference rather than MY judgment.

He did ask if I would have more of a problem with the situation if the person was someone who HE thought was attractive, and I'd like to think I would treat it the same. I am not worried about him cheating, nor am I easily intimidated

. I just hate feeling disrespected, I don't care WHAT you look like.

Also, I think SO finally realized that he needs to say something to her.

*crosses fingers*

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2008 9:20:54 AM
Author: Anna0499

Date: 6/17/2008 7:18:31 AM
Author: goodfun7580
One thing that bothers me about your post is that your boyfriend continues to perpetuate the cycle of communication by answering her texts. I understand he doesn''t want to be ''mean'' but if this is making you and him uncomfortable, he should just stop answering her texts, and be nice to her when he sees her in class. To me it seems inappropriate for him to have given out his phone number, without any mention of you. I understand that everyone is focusing on this crazy girl, but the only reason she continues is because she is still receiving attention from him. I would suggest you advise your boyfriend to stop responding ASAP!

Yeah, I definitely agree...how did she get his number in the first place?

There is a listserv for their Capoeira group, so they are always exchange information for their events. They do a lot of travelling, carpooling, and even socializing together, so it''s not really unusual for anyone involved to have anyone else''s number... but everyone else from the class only seems to contact SO regarding class related activities.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/17/2008 11:56:40 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 6/17/2008 5:29:25 AM

Author: gwendolyn


I also find it odd that it''s this woman''s height and weight that make you dismiss her as not being your boyfriend''s type--so, if she was skinnier or shorter, you''d be even more worried than you are now, because then she would be his type, and possibly more likely to mess around behind your back? I doubt that''s what you meant, but that''s how it''s coming across to me. If your boyfriend is as trustworthy and dedicated to you as you say, how she looks shouldn''t factor into things.

SO is not a big guy, I outweigh him by a couple of hairs, and for whatever reason, size (height and weight) are a big deal to him (and his family). It really just isn''t HIS type. I don''t know the girl well enough to know other reasons that she might not be his type, but that initial difference would be a deal breaker for him. I didn''t say that she is unattractive, or mean to imply that she was (I don''t think your size determines that, I have some of the most FABULOUS friends of all sizes). I''m sure the comment came off all wrong, but it was really about HIS preference rather than MY judgment.


He did ask if I would have more of a problem with the situation if the person was someone who HE thought was attractive, and I''d like to think I would treat it the same. I am not worried about him cheating, nor am I easily intimidated

. I just hate feeling disrespected, I don''t care WHAT you look like.

I can understand not wanting to feel disrespected, obviously, but if your boyfriend is being nicey-nice to her, then isn''t it really him who''s being disrespectful? If she doesn''t know there''s a problem, how can she be the one to blame? If she is just trying to be his friend (and that''s a big ''if'' since no one seems to know her deal but I say innocent until proven guilty), and he''s always been nice to her, then (in my opinion) she hasn''t done anything wrong and hasn''t acted crazy like some others have said. Some women (not saying you are one but just in general) get uncomfortable whenever a woman wants to befriend their man, even if there''s nothing to it but friendship--I know I''ve been given the cold shoulder by women before because they don''t want their men to have ANY women but them, and I just wanted to hang out like one of the guys!

Anyway, I don''t think it''s fair to lay the blame on her if your boyfriend hasn''t made any attempt at all to let her know that her behaviour is unwanted. She can''t be expected to read his mind and know that if all he''s ever been is nice and friendly to her.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/17/2008 12:03:23 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 6/17/2008 9:20:54 AM
Author: Anna0499

Date: 6/17/2008 7:18:31 AM
Author: goodfun7580
One thing that bothers me about your post is that your boyfriend continues to perpetuate the cycle of communication by answering her texts. I understand he doesn''t want to be ''mean'' but if this is making you and him uncomfortable, he should just stop answering her texts, and be nice to her when he sees her in class. To me it seems inappropriate for him to have given out his phone number, without any mention of you. I understand that everyone is focusing on this crazy girl, but the only reason she continues is because she is still receiving attention from him. I would suggest you advise your boyfriend to stop responding ASAP!

Yeah, I definitely agree...how did she get his number in the first place?

There is a listserv for their Capoeira group, so they are always exchange information for their events. They do a lot of travelling, carpooling, and even socializing together, so it''s not really unusual for anyone involved to have anyone else''s number... but everyone else from the class only seems to contact SO regarding class related activities.

Oh okay, that makes sense...and makes it all the more weird that she would have contacted him in the first place about taking a test at his place. I agree that it is kind of suspect that she wouldn''t ask one of her other actual friends (because, I take from your post, at that point in time they were more like acquaintences) before turning to your SO. I don''t think it would''ve been that big of a deal if he gave her his number, but, as you said, for class-related activities.

I totally understand what you were saying about the girl''s height/weight and not being his type. You know your SO and you know his type, I didn''t take it as you saying she was unattractive or anything. But let''s face it, regardless of if your SO would ever cheat, I think most girls would feel at least a little bit better if their SO was being pursued (either romantically or otherwise) by Barbara Bush rather than Adriana Lima!

As for how she would know that her behavior is inappropriate...has she ever had a SO? It seems pretty basic to me that unless she is totally clueless, she would recognize that it''s not okay to constantly text someone else''s SO who clearly shows no interest in "hanging out." From what you''ve told us, I think she is desperate...maybe for a friend, maybe for more, and maybe I''m being harsh, but she needs to be texting her own friends/SO/etc. Your SO has never actually taken her up on these offers or even shown interest in doing so in the future, so common sense would tell the average person to cease and desist. I know I would. He might have not straight up told her to leave him alone, but being in a class with her would make that uncomfortable and I understand why he would not want to jump to that extreme right away. If he replies to her saying that he wanted to double date or bring you along or whatever he wouldn''t have to actually do it, just kind of talk about it hypothetically in a futuristic kind of way to pound it in her head that he''s not willing to meet up with her one-on-one.

Anyways, sorry for the long reply...I just know how something like can bother someone, not enough to ruin your day but just enough to get your heartbeat up a bit and be annoying.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2008 12:04:43 PM
Author: gwendolyn

I can understand not wanting to feel disrespected, obviously, but if your boyfriend is being nicey-nice to her, then isn''t it really him who''s being disrespectful? If she doesn''t know there''s a problem, how can she be the one to blame? If she is just trying to be his friend (and that''s a big ''if'' since no one seems to know her deal but I say innocent until proven guilty), and he''s always been nice to her, then (in my opinion) she hasn''t done anything wrong and hasn''t acted crazy like some others have said. Some women (not saying you are one but just in general) get uncomfortable whenever a woman wants to befriend their man, even if there''s nothing to it but friendship--I know I''ve been given the cold shoulder by women before because they don''t want their men to have ANY women but them, and I just wanted to hang out like one of the guys!

Anyway, I don''t think it''s fair to lay the blame on her if your boyfriend hasn''t made any attempt at all to let her know that her behaviour is unwanted. She can''t be expected to read his mind and know that if all he''s ever been is nice and friendly to her.

All very well taken. He has let her know that hanging out one-on-one is not appropriate, but she continues to invite him out (to ride motorcycles) together. And the girl doesn''t seem to be dense... SO''s sparse responses seem to communicate to her that something is wrong, but that just makes her ask him more, if something is wrong. Either way, you can believe that I didn''t let SO off the hook. I was really casual about it for a while, but the recent motorcycle license and picture bit really made me annoyed, and SO and I had a long conversation about it. IF she just wanted to be friends and meant no disrespect to me, I would have been nice for her to speak to me or acknowledge me when I was at their event. 75% of the people in the class spoke to me, and I have been going to their events for more than a year. (I also got fussy with him for not introducing us formally, since I felt like we were avoiding the elephant in the room) I didn''t tell him what to do, but I did tell him the desired outcome (ending the texting). A few days later, he let me know that he was going to address the situation. He gets in a real tizzy if he thinks I am upset about something! (and he is incredible at meeting expectations when he knows what they are!)