Am I overreacting??? (sorry, long)

[Bliss]

Ugh, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Guys do this as well. They misinterpret "nice" for "I have a shot at dating this person." She is probably clueless and also has some major self-esteem issues. Poor girl. And poor you and SO! I'm usually the nice one who can't bear to be abrupt and rude when clueless guys do this. It's just hard because you don't understand why the person doesn't get the hint or keeps contacting you when you are dropping all communication. But sometimes you do have to be very firm, unfortunately. And sadly, it does take a, "Look, I have a SO I am in love with and your continued lack of respect for our relationship has to stop...Now. Thank you." That usually does it.

No need to be cruel, but you do have to be super clear. And she will probably be hurt, but it will also help her learn to respect others' boundaries and relationships. That wouldn't be cool in any scenario and it's beneficial to everyone involved the sooner she learns that. So sorry about the frustration!

Can't wait until you're engaged and then at events you can be like -- YO. SEE THE BLING? THAT MEANS BACK OFF. FOREVER. THANKS.

For you, it'll be instant man repellent! Too bad guys can't wear a ring like girls do.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2008 1:01:24 PM
Author: Bliss
Ugh, I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

Guys do this as well. They misinterpret ''nice'' for ''I have a shot at dating this person.'' She is probably clueless and also has some major self-esteem issues. Poor girl. And poor you and SO! I''m usually the nice one who can''t bear to be abrupt and rude when clueless guys do this. It''s just hard because you don''t understand why the person doesn''t get the hint or keeps contacting you when you are dropping all communication. But sometimes you do have to be very firm, unfortunately. And sadly, it does take a, ''Look, I have a SO I am in love with and your continued lack of respect for our relationship has to stop...Now. Thank you.'' That usually does it.

No need to be cruel, but you do have to be super clear. And she will probably be hurt, but it will also help her learn to respect others'' boundaries and relationships. That wouldn''t be cool in any scenario and it''s beneficial to everyone involved the sooner she learns that. So sorry about the frustration!

hi bliss!

SO and I are both the type to be super nice to people, and usually longer than is really warranted, so while I understand his position, I have had to be not-so-nice, but very stern with guys on a number of occassions, because I don''t like to feel that other men think they can disrespect my SO or our relationship. I guess in my experience, guys that say that they want to be friends with me rarely do... and many people don''t respect relationships because so many people don''t respect their own

. It''s really sad. It''s hard too, to try to establish hard and fast rules about what is appropriate and what is not, because every situation is a little bit different, and what feels comfortable for one acquaintance might feel very uncomfortable for another.

Maybe I should just act jealous... aren''t guys supposed to like that? lol

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/17/2008 12:38:46 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 6/17/2008 12:04:43 PM

Author: gwendolyn


I can understand not wanting to feel disrespected, obviously, but if your boyfriend is being nicey-nice to her, then isn''t it really him who''s being disrespectful? If she doesn''t know there''s a problem, how can she be the one to blame? If she is just trying to be his friend (and that''s a big ''if'' since no one seems to know her deal but I say innocent until proven guilty), and he''s always been nice to her, then (in my opinion) she hasn''t done anything wrong and hasn''t acted crazy like some others have said. Some women (not saying you are one but just in general) get uncomfortable whenever a woman wants to befriend their man, even if there''s nothing to it but friendship--I know I''ve been given the cold shoulder by women before because they don''t want their men to have ANY women but them, and I just wanted to hang out like one of the guys!


Anyway, I don''t think it''s fair to lay the blame on her if your boyfriend hasn''t made any attempt at all to let her know that her behaviour is unwanted. She can''t be expected to read his mind and know that if all he''s ever been is nice and friendly to her.

All very well taken. He has let her know that hanging out one-on-one is not appropriate, but she continues to invite him out (to ride motorcycles) together. And the girl doesn''t seem to be dense... SO''s sparse responses seem to communicate to her that something is wrong, but that just makes her ask him more, if something is wrong. Either way, you can believe that I didn''t let SO off the hook. I was really casual about it for a while, but the recent motorcycle license and picture bit really made me annoyed, and SO and I had a long conversation about it. IF she just wanted to be friends and meant no disrespect to me, I would have been nice for her to speak to me or acknowledge me when I was at their event. 75% of the people in the class spoke to me, and I have been going to their events for more than a year. (I also got fussy with him for not introducing us formally, since I felt like we were avoiding the elephant in the room) I didn''t tell him what to do, but I did tell him the desired outcome (ending the texting). A few days later, he let me know that he was going to address the situation. He gets in a real tizzy if he thinks I am upset about something! (and he is incredible at meeting expectations when he knows what they are!)

That''s good, then. If he is absolutely clear and says ''No, this makes me feel weird, quit it'' and she keeps doing it, then clearly she will be totally to blame. But if she does that, he can just block her texts and ignore her! Right? (I''ve never actually done that but I''m guessing--at the very least he could list her number under the name "IGNORE" and just never pick up/respond to her.) Anyone who wouldn''t respect my personal boundaries like that (if I told them to quit it and they didn''t) isn''t going to make a great friend anyway, so it won''t be like he''s lost anything! I just hope it turns out to be more of a socially awkward/misunderstanding type thing, rather than a purposefully devised plan, so he isn''t having to deal with some weirdo stalker chick.